Problems with future brother-in-law

1246

Replies

  • CM9178
    CM9178 Posts: 1,251 Member
    I wanted to come back here and update this because it has been awhile now, and their wedding is actually now in a few weeks - and all this time, he has still continued making all of these rude comments to both of us.
    - We had redone our kitchen before we knew him, and the cabinets are from Ikea. One random day, he was in our kitchen, opened a cabinet door, knocked on it, and said "ohh these aren't solid wood? My dad would never want me getting cabinets that aren't solid wood". He then proceeded to point out cracked tiles in our kitchen floor.

    - We've been remodeling a bathroom in our house for the last 6 months and finally got one wall of tile up in the shower.. It is really nice stone tile, with a row of glass tile going around the middle. It looks good, nothing crazy. I had posted pics of it online. He was recently over (I wasn't there) and asked my husband to see the bathroom. So he opens the door and says "oooh , when I saw the pics online I told (my sister) that I thought what you did with the glass tile was ugly. That stripe is going to go all the way around??" My husband said yes, and he said "yeah, i would never have done that, i think it looks ugly". My husband responded that most people do something like that, and it is normal and again he said he thought it was ugly.

    - My husband and I both got new cars a few months ago (both are Fords). Before I got mine, we were talking about what I might get, and when I mentioned I wanted a Ford Fusion, he said "why would you want one of those? they are ugly and Fords are pieces of crap". I was really offended. When I was over my parents' house with the car and they were all looking at it, he refused to come outside to see it and I over heard him say to my sister "what do I need to look at that for?"

    - The first time he was in my husband's new car (a Ford Edge - used but LOADED and AWESOME) was when my husband was DRIVING HIM 3 1/2 hrs to upstate new york for his bachelor party. He said "oh this car drives pretty good for a Ford, usually Fords drive like crap". This was after he had already asked if he could borrow it in a few weeks, to which of course my husband said yes.

    There are probably a ton more comments that were made over the last year but I can't possibly think of all of them right now.
    My husband recently talked to this guy's best friend about it briefly and asked what is up with him constantly insulting everything and the friend said that he is like that to everyone, and does it to him all the time too - that he just has no filter.
    But I'm sorry, that's just not an excuse. GET A FILTER, because you are Insulting and upsetting everybody that you come in contact with.

    Just wanted to update this is STILL going on, not getting any better.
  • digitalbill
    digitalbill Posts: 1,410 Member
    CM9178 wrote: »
    I wanted to come back here and update this because it has been awhile now, and their wedding is actually now in a few weeks - and all this time, he has still continued making all of these rude comments to both of us.
    - We had redone our kitchen before we knew him, and the cabinets are from Ikea. One random day, he was in our kitchen, opened a cabinet door, knocked on it, and said "ohh these aren't solid wood? My dad would never want me getting cabinets that aren't solid wood". He then proceeded to point out cracked tiles in our kitchen floor.

    - We've been remodeling a bathroom in our house for the last 6 months and finally got one wall of tile up in the shower.. It is really nice stone tile, with a row of glass tile going around the middle. It looks good, nothing crazy. I had posted pics of it online. He was recently over (I wasn't there) and asked my husband to see the bathroom. So he opens the door and says "oooh , when I saw the pics online I told (my sister) that I thought what you did with the glass tile was ugly. That stripe is going to go all the way around??" My husband said yes, and he said "yeah, i would never have done that, i think it looks ugly". My husband responded that most people do something like that, and it is normal and again he said he thought it was ugly.

    - My husband and I both got new cars a few months ago (both are Fords). Before I got mine, we were talking about what I might get, and when I mentioned I wanted a Ford Fusion, he said "why would you want one of those? they are ugly and Fords are pieces of crap". I was really offended. When I was over my parents' house with the car and they were all looking at it, he refused to come outside to see it and I over heard him say to my sister "what do I need to look at that for?"

    - The first time he was in my husband's new car (a Ford Edge - used but LOADED and AWESOME) was when my husband was DRIVING HIM 3 1/2 hrs to upstate new york for his bachelor party. He said "oh this car drives pretty good for a Ford, usually Fords drive like crap". This was after he had already asked if he could borrow it in a few weeks, to which of course my husband said yes.

    There are probably a ton more comments that were made over the last year but I can't possibly think of all of them right now.
    My husband recently talked to this guy's best friend about it briefly and asked what is up with him constantly insulting everything and the friend said that he is like that to everyone, and does it to him all the time too - that he just has no filter.
    But I'm sorry, that's just not an excuse. GET A FILTER, because you are Insulting and upsetting everybody that you come in contact with.

    Just wanted to update this is STILL going on, not getting any better.

    Sometimes people are very insecure with their own lives.
    Because of this, they feel the need to insult others to make themselves "look better". Most of the time they are not even aware that they are doing it.

    Personally, I have found the best reply to be something like this:

    ...blah blah blah it's ugly
    (reply) "Well, my wife and I both like it and in the end, that's really all that matters. Hopefully when you get married, you will mature enough to understand this."

  • mikeshockley
    mikeshockley Posts: 684 Member
    edited October 2014
    He's a d--chebag. Plain and simple.
  • libbydoodle11
    libbydoodle11 Posts: 1,351 Member
    The brother in law sounds like an *kitten* hat. The guy thinks he is right and funny. He doesn't know that he is so abrasive. Maybe take your sister aside and explain the situation and she can maybe bring it up with her guy. There may be a time when you husband shares a piece of his mind with your sisters beau and puts him in his place and that may be a good thing.
  • klkarlen
    klkarlen Posts: 4,366 Member
    dakotababy wrote: »
    Eww. I have a "brother-in-law" who sounds a lot like this...very critical of EVERYTHING. Has an opinion on EVERYTHING. I was sharing how I was buying a new Jeep and I just knew this guy was going to say something negative about the jeep wrangler...and sure enough, he spoke up right away about how "small" they are.

    The guy is a total jerk, newly divorced (not surprised)...i was actually shocked that someone would even marry the guy and put up with his crap. I see guys like this to be totally insecure. You and your husband should start talking to him about HIS car...does he even have one?

    I have an ex-brother in law that is like that, his family (my ex-husband's) put up with his crap, I always stood up to him, and I would get called on the carpet for it by my ex. Once he said "he won't talk to us if you talk to him like that" and I said "tell me how that is a bad thing?". Family gatherings where he was in attendance usually had at least one or two arguments going on.

    I'm so glad to be rid of that dysfunctional lot. My life is much more peaceful.

    Sorry that I don't have any advice, but I don't see this changing for the better, even if you do speak up and try to put him in his place. He lacks social skills, including empathy, and I feel badly for your sister that she is willing to put up with it.

  • Monkey_Business
    Monkey_Business Posts: 1,800 Member
    Actually your sister's SO seems to be lacking in sicial skills. Maybe he thinks that he is trying to hold a conversation in an area that YOUR husband is interested in, but he does not understand. The point is, your sister is marrying him, not your husband. At most gatherings there will be people that not all of us get along with. I ignor them and give little to no credit to their input.
  • SpeSHul_SnoflEHk
    SpeSHul_SnoflEHk Posts: 6,256 Member
    Oh. My first thought is why does your hubs give a crap what the weasel thinks? So, they have different tastes in cars. meh.

    Even if it never gets better, chances are pretty good with divorce rates what they are these days that one of your two marriages will fail, and the relationship between the two of them will only be temporary.
  • TFaustino67
    TFaustino67 Posts: 551 Member
    Well, since we are only hearing it from one side of the story - I'd say your husband needs to nut-up and tell the brother-in-law to shove it or....... you could take this conversation from the 'online family-social experts here' and take it to your family and see what they have they.
  • TheRoadDog
    TheRoadDog Posts: 11,788 Member
    If I were your husband, I would not force you to choose. I would, however, have a heartfelt and frank conversation with the future Brother-in law. I'd tell him I'd appreciate it if he'd keep his opinions to himself. He and I could still attend family functions, but we are not going to be best friends. What happens beyond that is up to the future brother-in-law, but if he reacted adversely, I'd put a dent in his forward, and, if you are a good wife, you will back your husband.
  • SarahJohnson1234
    SarahJohnson1234 Posts: 23 Member
    Inferiority complex.
    The fiancée should quit whilst she's ahead as it won't last. Do you really think that guy will her any differently than he does with other people? Seen it happen too many times!!!

    I love nissan a, have one myself!!
  • 50sFit
    50sFit Posts: 712 Member
    When somebody gets this way with me, I give it right back.
    Usually insensitive people are themselves thin skinned. Guys have learned to either hold their peace with me or keep it civil.
    If not, the viper bites back.
  • SuninVirgo
    SuninVirgo Posts: 255 Member
    Grow up and suck it up and don't say anything to your sister. No one has to love your husbands car - this relationship is about your sister and her happiness.
  • 50sFit
    50sFit Posts: 712 Member
    TheRoadDog wrote: »
    If I were your husband, I would not force you to choose. I would, however, have a heartfelt and frank conversation with the future Brother-in law. I'd tell him I'd appreciate it if he'd keep his opinions to himself. He and I could still attend family functions, but we are not going to be best friends. What happens beyond that is up to the future brother-in-law, but if he reacted adversely, I'd put a dent in his forward, and, if you are a good wife, you will back your husband.
    ^^^^THIS - big time!

  • hortensehildegarde
    hortensehildegarde Posts: 592 Member
    Wow your husband must be some kind of saint, reading that made ME want to punch that guy. Your poor sister! I hope to goshes he doesn't do that to her, because to me that would border on mental abuse.

    I'd have a really hard time trying to believe he is not aware of it at all. But some people are just the types to stir trouble, they think they are being funny or whatever. It comes from them being deficient in their social skills, and they are still annoying, but you can't really stay mad at them for simply being incompetent.

    I hang out with my family without my husband all the time. I don't really see a need to bring him along? Can't you just leave your husband out of it if you hang out with your sister?

    I do think you should share your thoughts and concerns with your sister, though I'd imagine she is already aware of how inappropriate, rude and tactless her fiance is. Apparantly she is ok with it and surely she wouldn't get mad at you for having a different opinion.

    And for those occasions where your husband is stuck interacting with him, would it perhaps help if he acted the same as he would when tolerating a small child that hasn't yet properly developed their social filter? Children say crazy stuff all the time and we don't go around punching them or telling them to get the F out of our house.

  • AglaeaC
    AglaeaC Posts: 1,974 Member
    edited October 2014
    CM9178 wrote: »
    I agree that the part about the restaurant was definitely uncalled for, especially when he was receiving a free meal from your parents; a kind gesture that they did NOT have to do. As far as the car, however, is it possible that he was joking around? Did he say it in a condescending manner? Oftentimes,its not WHAT you say, it's how you say it.
    He didn't say it in a joking or mean way, just kinda said it. But it was awkward afterwards.

    Since he's been rude to both your husband and your parents at this point, I do believe it is the job of whoever feels the most comfortable having an honest response to him next time he makes an *kitten* out of himself, to bring up the traditions of behaviour in your particular family. My dad had to tell my ex once about something, which happened under the parents' roof, and the ex was put in line immediately. If nobody says anything, he will keep talking in his idiotic manner.

    And speaking of manner, I'm from a background where manners are highly valued. People don't wash their dirty laundry in public and usually they behave impeccably, so to educate adults in manners is not something we need to do usually. It makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable letting someone know that a particular behaviour just isn't tolerated, so I've been known to shut up, let it go, and then ignore a person in the future. But in this case it clearly isn't an option.

    So, preferably your dad should man up and set the tone of how he wishes his family to be treated. Maybe that's "authority" enough for this laughable existence of a person. You do want to nip this problem in the bud. Maybe thereafter he will show his best side, the one he seemingly treats your sister to, since she has agreed to marry him.

    ETA
    Since when can't we say 4ss?
  • haildodger
    haildodger Posts: 181 Member
    Sounds like a bunch of bs about nothing. At worst, your sisters guy is socially oblivious, and your guy is insecure; Adjust accordingly.
  • chadya07
    chadya07 Posts: 627 Member
    edited October 2014
    never mind. not my business.

    ok one thing. you can only change your reaction to a person. you can almost never change a person.
  • ChrisM32205
    ChrisM32205 Posts: 218 Member
    I feel sorry the sister. If he's like that just when you and your husband are around him... imagine what he's like to hangout with ALL the time. :'(
  • clb105
    clb105 Posts: 112 Member
    drkatiebug wrote: »
    I think you should start calling him out on his comments, but in a light hearted way. Then you can tell if he is really a jerk or is just clueless. I actually like the "what exactly do you have against my car?" question. For the restaurant situation, I would have said, "well, when you're paying, we'll let you choose" or "I see it hasn't stopped you from enjoying the free food." Otherwise, the situation between him and your husband is just going to get worse. The man needs to know his snarkiness will not be tolerated.

    Another approach would be to get very serious and ask him "why would you bring that up when you know my parents are trying to honor you?" And "why do you continue to insult my car when you know it is my pride and joy?"

    Either way, he needs to be confronted while you remain cool and calm about it.

    ^^THIS!^^

    I speak from experience... I am living the nightmare currently because my sister-in-law and husband don't get along, and has come between my brother and I which we used to be really close. Right now there is no relationship currently between all of us. I would say it's both of them that's causing the problem in my family, but my husband sounds a lot like this guy your sister is to marry ...very outspoken, rude, and knocks down others. If he is that way to others he may even be that way to your sister eventually (it has with myself).

    I would try the above advice as well as talk to your sister privately about it. With my marriage I have realized after 14 years of marriage that I am in a toxic relationship (verbal abuse, negativity, etc) I have tried to bring this to his attention but he has no will to change it and now I am looking to get out. :(
  • AglaeaC
    AglaeaC Posts: 1,974 Member
    chadya07 wrote: »
    never mind. not my business.

    ok one thing. you can only change your reaction to a person. you can almost never change a person.

    I disagree with this to an extent. Behaviours can certainly be changed if there is desire to make it happen. Personality and character usually is what it is, though, but in my humble opinion the BIL is behaving rudely. He must have some qualities to his personality and character, since OP's sister is willing to marry him.
  • chadya07
    chadya07 Posts: 627 Member
    AglaeaC wrote: »
    chadya07 wrote: »
    never mind. not my business.

    ok one thing. you can only change your reaction to a person. you can almost never change a person.

    I disagree with this to an extent. Behaviours can certainly be changed if there is desire to make it happen. Personality and character usually is what it is, though, but in my humble opinion the BIL is behaving rudely. He must have some qualities to his personality and character, since OP's sister is willing to marry him.

    what is someones character if not their behavior?


  • Not to be a total D i c k but seems like its time for hubby to grow a pair and tell your brother in law to shut his mouth or have your hubby stop whining to you about him.
  • zacksnana
    zacksnana Posts: 3,230 Member
    CM9178 wrote: »
    Thanks to everyone for all of the advice!

    Usually, my husband and I do laugh off the things that this guy says and does, I guess this just got under his skin. He is going to let it go for now and if it happens again, he will have to say SOMETHING to him, because I refuse to get in the middle of it, or let it become a bigger problem than it should.

    By refusing to get in the middle of it you are in effect saying you refuse to stand on your husband's side. Your sister is defending her fiancé. Do the same for hubby. I don't think it's the in-laws place to have to handle it. It's your family. I would tell my sister that the guys don't seem to have much in common so it will just be girls night out once in a while. If she argues stand your ground. That's my 2 cents.
  • sweedee1218
    sweedee1218 Posts: 98 Member
    I would have cussed him out a long time ago for being a d**k. You should not have to deal with his rude comments. If you can make an effort to be polite then so can he. If you don't deal with this now you will have to feel awkward and uncomfortable at family functions for the rest of your life. Your sister should have never let him be rude to your mother and other family members. A stranger on the street would give you more respect than he has. Its called common courtesy. He will continue to bully you and your family until you stand up to him. It is a big issue and its only going to build up until your husband snaps on this guy one day. Let your sister know that you love her and want her to be happy but that you won't be disrespected, insulted and talked down to. Some people need to be put in their place one good time before they realize how their actions and words effect the people around them. Support your husband and family I'm sure your not the only ones who feel this way about him. Is he really treating your sister like a princess? If he talks this way to you and your mother then who knows how he treats her when your not around. There needs to be some mutual respect established between him and the rest of the family.
  • AglaeaC
    AglaeaC Posts: 1,974 Member
    chadya07 wrote: »
    AglaeaC wrote: »
    chadya07 wrote: »
    never mind. not my business.

    ok one thing. you can only change your reaction to a person. you can almost never change a person.

    I disagree with this to an extent. Behaviours can certainly be changed if there is desire to make it happen. Personality and character usually is what it is, though, but in my humble opinion the BIL is behaving rudely. He must have some qualities to his personality and character, since OP's sister is willing to marry him.

    what is someones character if not their behavior?


    I have a solid character, but I'm not perfect. I have the rare, really bad day and in those moments I'm far from perfect. I assume every other human being is imperfect as well.

    OP sounds like a good person and logically one can assume that her sister is quite similar, considering their shared background, so perhaps the sister sees something in her fiancé that isn't quite coming through when he's meeting her family. He might have bad social skills to begin with, since nobody taught him any better, and perhaps he's nervous or something, but his heart may be in the right place.

    We don't know and we don't get to judge. We can, however, try to give advice that would not cause any further splits in the family, but rather something that would leave these unfortunate events as a bit of a rocky start on his road as a full member of the family.

    I'm a realistic optimist and there's nothing in OP's scenario that hasn't left me thinking something can still be done to steer the development in a positive direction.
  • AglaeaC
    AglaeaC Posts: 1,974 Member
    edited October 2014
    Double post.
  • I didn't read the other answers. Two scenarios: this guy is a jerk and is doing it on purpose and enjoying it. Nothing to do here except avoidance.

    Or this guy has no social skills whatsoever and doesn't understand what he is doing. I actually have a friend like that, who has said things to me like: While eating "You eat a lot for a girl" (I am struggling with my weight, thank you for making me self-conscious). "I'll pay for our drinks" And when I said no : "Well, you're broke anyways, you should let me pay". I've known him for 8 years, he is not a bad guy, he can be rude to everyone without realizing it and has very little friends. If this is the case you should tell him he is being rude and he should learn... in time.

    Anyways you should have a talk your sister so she can call him on his behavior.
  • moya_bleh
    moya_bleh Posts: 1,375 Member
    Have your hubby say to him: "We're thinking of going on holiday to Tenerife - oh don't tell me, you've already been to Elevenerife, I'll bet." smile sarcastically at him, then walk away.
  • Francl27
    Francl27 Posts: 26,371 Member
    Ok after reading your update - Asperger's is definitely the first thing that comes to mind. I'd say it might not be the guy's fault that he behaves like this.

    However, you don't have to put it with it. I'd probably focus on seeing your sister alone more than with her husband after the wedding, and explain to her why - that you understand that it's just how he is and you applaud her for overlooking those faults, but that the comments are toxic to you and you just can't deal with them on a frequent basis. I know I couldn't... even knowing it's not the guy's fault, it would just totally drag me down.
  • Francl27 wrote: »
    Ok after reading your update - Asperger's is definitely the first thing that comes to mind. I'd say it might not be the guy's fault that he behaves like this.

    However, you don't have to put it with it. I'd probably focus on seeing your sister alone more than with her husband after the wedding, and explain to her why - that you understand that it's just how he is and you applaud her for overlooking those faults, but that the comments are toxic to you and you just can't deal with them on a frequent basis. I know I couldn't... even knowing it's not the guy's fault, it would just totally drag me down.

    I wouldn't wait until they're married to say something. Say something now before she makes a big mistake.

This discussion has been closed.