Problems with future brother-in-law
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When somebody gets this way with me, I give it right back.
Usually insensitive people are themselves thin skinned. Guys have learned to either hold their peace with me or keep it civil.
If not, the viper bites back.0 -
Grow up and suck it up and don't say anything to your sister. No one has to love your husbands car - this relationship is about your sister and her happiness.0
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^^^^THIS - big time!TheRoadDog wrote: »If I were your husband, I would not force you to choose. I would, however, have a heartfelt and frank conversation with the future Brother-in law. I'd tell him I'd appreciate it if he'd keep his opinions to himself. He and I could still attend family functions, but we are not going to be best friends. What happens beyond that is up to the future brother-in-law, but if he reacted adversely, I'd put a dent in his forward, and, if you are a good wife, you will back your husband.
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Wow your husband must be some kind of saint, reading that made ME want to punch that guy. Your poor sister! I hope to goshes he doesn't do that to her, because to me that would border on mental abuse.
I'd have a really hard time trying to believe he is not aware of it at all. But some people are just the types to stir trouble, they think they are being funny or whatever. It comes from them being deficient in their social skills, and they are still annoying, but you can't really stay mad at them for simply being incompetent.
I hang out with my family without my husband all the time. I don't really see a need to bring him along? Can't you just leave your husband out of it if you hang out with your sister?
I do think you should share your thoughts and concerns with your sister, though I'd imagine she is already aware of how inappropriate, rude and tactless her fiance is. Apparantly she is ok with it and surely she wouldn't get mad at you for having a different opinion.
And for those occasions where your husband is stuck interacting with him, would it perhaps help if he acted the same as he would when tolerating a small child that hasn't yet properly developed their social filter? Children say crazy stuff all the time and we don't go around punching them or telling them to get the F out of our house.
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He didn't say it in a joking or mean way, just kinda said it. But it was awkward afterwards.I agree that the part about the restaurant was definitely uncalled for, especially when he was receiving a free meal from your parents; a kind gesture that they did NOT have to do. As far as the car, however, is it possible that he was joking around? Did he say it in a condescending manner? Oftentimes,its not WHAT you say, it's how you say it.
Since he's been rude to both your husband and your parents at this point, I do believe it is the job of whoever feels the most comfortable having an honest response to him next time he makes an *kitten* out of himself, to bring up the traditions of behaviour in your particular family. My dad had to tell my ex once about something, which happened under the parents' roof, and the ex was put in line immediately. If nobody says anything, he will keep talking in his idiotic manner.
And speaking of manner, I'm from a background where manners are highly valued. People don't wash their dirty laundry in public and usually they behave impeccably, so to educate adults in manners is not something we need to do usually. It makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable letting someone know that a particular behaviour just isn't tolerated, so I've been known to shut up, let it go, and then ignore a person in the future. But in this case it clearly isn't an option.
So, preferably your dad should man up and set the tone of how he wishes his family to be treated. Maybe that's "authority" enough for this laughable existence of a person. You do want to nip this problem in the bud. Maybe thereafter he will show his best side, the one he seemingly treats your sister to, since she has agreed to marry him.
ETA
Since when can't we say 4ss?0 -
Sounds like a bunch of bs about nothing. At worst, your sisters guy is socially oblivious, and your guy is insecure; Adjust accordingly.0
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never mind. not my business.
ok one thing. you can only change your reaction to a person. you can almost never change a person.0 -
I feel sorry the sister. If he's like that just when you and your husband are around him... imagine what he's like to hangout with ALL the time.
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drkatiebug wrote: »I think you should start calling him out on his comments, but in a light hearted way. Then you can tell if he is really a jerk or is just clueless. I actually like the "what exactly do you have against my car?" question. For the restaurant situation, I would have said, "well, when you're paying, we'll let you choose" or "I see it hasn't stopped you from enjoying the free food." Otherwise, the situation between him and your husband is just going to get worse. The man needs to know his snarkiness will not be tolerated.
Another approach would be to get very serious and ask him "why would you bring that up when you know my parents are trying to honor you?" And "why do you continue to insult my car when you know it is my pride and joy?"
Either way, he needs to be confronted while you remain cool and calm about it.
^^THIS!^^
I speak from experience... I am living the nightmare currently because my sister-in-law and husband don't get along, and has come between my brother and I which we used to be really close. Right now there is no relationship currently between all of us. I would say it's both of them that's causing the problem in my family, but my husband sounds a lot like this guy your sister is to marry ...very outspoken, rude, and knocks down others. If he is that way to others he may even be that way to your sister eventually (it has with myself).
I would try the above advice as well as talk to your sister privately about it. With my marriage I have realized after 14 years of marriage that I am in a toxic relationship (verbal abuse, negativity, etc) I have tried to bring this to his attention but he has no will to change it and now I am looking to get out.
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never mind. not my business.
ok one thing. you can only change your reaction to a person. you can almost never change a person.
I disagree with this to an extent. Behaviours can certainly be changed if there is desire to make it happen. Personality and character usually is what it is, though, but in my humble opinion the BIL is behaving rudely. He must have some qualities to his personality and character, since OP's sister is willing to marry him.0 -
never mind. not my business.
ok one thing. you can only change your reaction to a person. you can almost never change a person.
I disagree with this to an extent. Behaviours can certainly be changed if there is desire to make it happen. Personality and character usually is what it is, though, but in my humble opinion the BIL is behaving rudely. He must have some qualities to his personality and character, since OP's sister is willing to marry him.
what is someones character if not their behavior?
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Not to be a total D i c k but seems like its time for hubby to grow a pair and tell your brother in law to shut his mouth or have your hubby stop whining to you about him.0
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Thanks to everyone for all of the advice!
Usually, my husband and I do laugh off the things that this guy says and does, I guess this just got under his skin. He is going to let it go for now and if it happens again, he will have to say SOMETHING to him, because I refuse to get in the middle of it, or let it become a bigger problem than it should.
By refusing to get in the middle of it you are in effect saying you refuse to stand on your husband's side. Your sister is defending her fiancé. Do the same for hubby. I don't think it's the in-laws place to have to handle it. It's your family. I would tell my sister that the guys don't seem to have much in common so it will just be girls night out once in a while. If she argues stand your ground. That's my 2 cents.0 -
I would have cussed him out a long time ago for being a d**k. You should not have to deal with his rude comments. If you can make an effort to be polite then so can he. If you don't deal with this now you will have to feel awkward and uncomfortable at family functions for the rest of your life. Your sister should have never let him be rude to your mother and other family members. A stranger on the street would give you more respect than he has. Its called common courtesy. He will continue to bully you and your family until you stand up to him. It is a big issue and its only going to build up until your husband snaps on this guy one day. Let your sister know that you love her and want her to be happy but that you won't be disrespected, insulted and talked down to. Some people need to be put in their place one good time before they realize how their actions and words effect the people around them. Support your husband and family I'm sure your not the only ones who feel this way about him. Is he really treating your sister like a princess? If he talks this way to you and your mother then who knows how he treats her when your not around. There needs to be some mutual respect established between him and the rest of the family.0
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never mind. not my business.
ok one thing. you can only change your reaction to a person. you can almost never change a person.
I disagree with this to an extent. Behaviours can certainly be changed if there is desire to make it happen. Personality and character usually is what it is, though, but in my humble opinion the BIL is behaving rudely. He must have some qualities to his personality and character, since OP's sister is willing to marry him.
what is someones character if not their behavior?
I have a solid character, but I'm not perfect. I have the rare, really bad day and in those moments I'm far from perfect. I assume every other human being is imperfect as well.
OP sounds like a good person and logically one can assume that her sister is quite similar, considering their shared background, so perhaps the sister sees something in her fiancé that isn't quite coming through when he's meeting her family. He might have bad social skills to begin with, since nobody taught him any better, and perhaps he's nervous or something, but his heart may be in the right place.
We don't know and we don't get to judge. We can, however, try to give advice that would not cause any further splits in the family, but rather something that would leave these unfortunate events as a bit of a rocky start on his road as a full member of the family.
I'm a realistic optimist and there's nothing in OP's scenario that hasn't left me thinking something can still be done to steer the development in a positive direction.0 -
Double post.
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I didn't read the other answers. Two scenarios: this guy is a jerk and is doing it on purpose and enjoying it. Nothing to do here except avoidance.
Or this guy has no social skills whatsoever and doesn't understand what he is doing. I actually have a friend like that, who has said things to me like: While eating "You eat a lot for a girl" (I am struggling with my weight, thank you for making me self-conscious). "I'll pay for our drinks" And when I said no : "Well, you're broke anyways, you should let me pay". I've known him for 8 years, he is not a bad guy, he can be rude to everyone without realizing it and has very little friends. If this is the case you should tell him he is being rude and he should learn... in time.
Anyways you should have a talk your sister so she can call him on his behavior.0 -
Have your hubby say to him: "We're thinking of going on holiday to Tenerife - oh don't tell me, you've already been to Elevenerife, I'll bet." smile sarcastically at him, then walk away.0
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Ok after reading your update - Asperger's is definitely the first thing that comes to mind. I'd say it might not be the guy's fault that he behaves like this.
However, you don't have to put it with it. I'd probably focus on seeing your sister alone more than with her husband after the wedding, and explain to her why - that you understand that it's just how he is and you applaud her for overlooking those faults, but that the comments are toxic to you and you just can't deal with them on a frequent basis. I know I couldn't... even knowing it's not the guy's fault, it would just totally drag me down.0 -
Ok after reading your update - Asperger's is definitely the first thing that comes to mind. I'd say it might not be the guy's fault that he behaves like this.
However, you don't have to put it with it. I'd probably focus on seeing your sister alone more than with her husband after the wedding, and explain to her why - that you understand that it's just how he is and you applaud her for overlooking those faults, but that the comments are toxic to you and you just can't deal with them on a frequent basis. I know I couldn't... even knowing it's not the guy's fault, it would just totally drag me down.
I wouldn't wait until they're married to say something. Say something now before she makes a big mistake.
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