Problems with future brother-in-law
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He sounds like a knob.
But good news! You don't have to hang out with your family.
Basically this.
BUT...I do understand that you will most likely have to be around this guy since he's going to be part of your family. I think it would be best to A) limit the amount of time that you have to spend with HIM...either just being around for a shorter period at get-togethers, or hanging out with your sister separately in the guise of "girl time" and
you and your husband can take the high road and laugh later at your future BIL's immaturity and total lack of social skills, which is what it sounds like to me.
I have kinda been there...although it is not as serious for me because the sister is 'just' a stepsister and she's 9 yrs older so we were never that close anyway. She and her husband are both religious and conservative, while my husband and I are non-religious and pretty liberal (especially my husband). Every time we attend a family gathering with my step BIL present he manages to annoy and/or offend my husband. Some of it rolls off my back, like when he says something ignorant and ethnocentric, but it is definitely obnoxious. I'm sure we would hang out more with that part of my family if my stepsister's husband was more similar to my stepsister, dad, and stepmom...they are all pretty similar, and quite different from my husband and I...but at least they know how to stay on neutral topics and be polite.
Maybe someday your brother-in-law will "get it"...or maybe your sister will change her mind and pick someone better ;-) Good luck!0 -
My sisters husband comes off as a know it all at times. And he is CONSTANTLY picking fun of me. I'm a red head and he constantly is making "ginger" jokes, it gets SO old! I make fun of him right back, and get sassy. He and I have a strange relationship. Kind of like real brother and sister in the sense that he bothers the hell out of me sometimes! But he treats my sister VERY VERY well. He adores her. And that's all that really matters to me. If anything, it's what makes me tolerate his annoying self, lol. If it was any difference I probably wouldn't get a long with him or have anything in common. What really matters to me is that my sister is happy and is treated well.
Just tell hubby to brush it off his shoulders like I do, got to have thicker skin. Not everyone you meet is going to be compatible with you.0 -
I want to help you because I had a similar situation with my wife and my sister, and I handled it poorly and it made things a lot worse. It hurt my wife because she felt like I was taking my family's side and it ended up being worse because there were years of bottled up feelings let go at once. Basically same situation, clash of personalities they were never going to get along and my sister always wants to be the center of attention and would make this little comments that I (unfortunately) asked my wife to brush off. Years later it ended up blowing up, my sister said some horrible things, and we haven't spoken to her in almost 2 years.
Maybe this guy comes from a family that trades insults as jokes and so he thinks this is funny. Maybe he is trying to be "one of the guys" with your husband by busting his chops. But, the important thing here is your husband feels disrespected and insulted and he needs to know you are on his side.
So my advice:
1) Talk to your husband openly about what he wants to see happen and what the likely outcome is. He may say I want to curse this guy out, but he probably won't change his ways. Maybe you ask him to take a gentler approach. Maybe you want to approach your sister beforehand, maybe he wants to settle it man to man, etc. You also need to understand if it is something he wants to handle, or if he would like you to handle it because its your family. If he wants you to handle it, you need to discuss how that goes down and he needs to have realistic expectations that it won't be exactly how he would do it.
2) Don't ask him to just brush this stuff off. It will build up over time. And annoyance will turn into resentment. And resentment will turn into he can't even stand to be in the same room as the guy. Better to say "Hey if you are just going to be negative, I don't want to talk to you" and then it's on BIL to change his ways. Being in the open might seem uncomfortable now but it will be so much worse if you let it build up.
3) If your sister gets mad, point out that if you and her relationship is important to her future husband, a simple request like "Don't be so negative all the time" should be something he is happy to do to make things comfortable with her future family.
You may have the situation that even if you bluntly point out he's being a **** he won't care and won't change. Your sister may rather than seeing it for what it is may defend him, or get defensive, or attack your husband (it's hard to know how people will react). And then you have an uncomfortable decision, but limiting time with them might be the only way.0 -
Is his name Sheldon Cooper by any chance?0
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He honestly sounds like the kind of guy who wouldn't get a second invite. If your sister wants to marry him that's her problem, but I'd fully support your husband's decision to kick him out of your house if it comes to that. You and your sister can have a relationship away from your husbands.0
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He honestly sounds like the kind of guy who wouldn't get a second invite. If your sister wants to marry him that's her problem, but I'd fully support your husband's decision to kick him out of your house if it comes to that. You and your sister can have a relationship away from your husbands.
what he said!!
This guy sounds like a tool. and if he doesnt get it when no one wants him around, just let your husband have a go at him. a black eye and shattered ego might do the trick.0 -
''that's really rude. we don't insult your taste so please don't insult ours. now, would you like another beer?''
Yep. Going with this answer. Good luck!0 -
Good news is that there's about a 50% chance they will get divorced and about a 15% chance they won't even end up married. Maybe you won't have to deal with him much longer. :flowerforyou:0
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He has no tact or filter. It doesn't mean he's a bad guy. All you need to worry about is whether or not your sister is happy.0
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Awww man that's tough.0
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I wanted to come back here and update this because it has been awhile now, and their wedding is actually now in a few weeks - and all this time, he has still continued making all of these rude comments to both of us.
- We had redone our kitchen before we knew him, and the cabinets are from Ikea. One random day, he was in our kitchen, opened a cabinet door, knocked on it, and said "ohh these aren't solid wood? My dad would never want me getting cabinets that aren't solid wood". He then proceeded to point out cracked tiles in our kitchen floor.
- We've been remodeling a bathroom in our house for the last 6 months and finally got one wall of tile up in the shower.. It is really nice stone tile, with a row of glass tile going around the middle. It looks good, nothing crazy. I had posted pics of it online. He was recently over (I wasn't there) and asked my husband to see the bathroom. So he opens the door and says "oooh , when I saw the pics online I told (my sister) that I thought what you did with the glass tile was ugly. That stripe is going to go all the way around??" My husband said yes, and he said "yeah, i would never have done that, i think it looks ugly". My husband responded that most people do something like that, and it is normal and again he said he thought it was ugly.
- My husband and I both got new cars a few months ago (both are Fords). Before I got mine, we were talking about what I might get, and when I mentioned I wanted a Ford Fusion, he said "why would you want one of those? they are ugly and Fords are pieces of crap". I was really offended. When I was over my parents' house with the car and they were all looking at it, he refused to come outside to see it and I over heard him say to my sister "what do I need to look at that for?"
- The first time he was in my husband's new car (a Ford Edge - used but LOADED and AWESOME) was when my husband was DRIVING HIM 3 1/2 hrs to upstate new york for his bachelor party. He said "oh this car drives pretty good for a Ford, usually Fords drive like crap". This was after he had already asked if he could borrow it in a few weeks, to which of course my husband said yes.
There are probably a ton more comments that were made over the last year but I can't possibly think of all of them right now.
My husband recently talked to this guy's best friend about it briefly and asked what is up with him constantly insulting everything and the friend said that he is like that to everyone, and does it to him all the time too - that he just has no filter.
But I'm sorry, that's just not an excuse. GET A FILTER, because you are Insulting and upsetting everybody that you come in contact with.
Just wanted to update this is STILL going on, not getting any better.0 -
I wanted to come back here and update this because it has been awhile now, and their wedding is actually now in a few weeks - and all this time, he has still continued making all of these rude comments to both of us.
- We had redone our kitchen before we knew him, and the cabinets are from Ikea. One random day, he was in our kitchen, opened a cabinet door, knocked on it, and said "ohh these aren't solid wood? My dad would never want me getting cabinets that aren't solid wood". He then proceeded to point out cracked tiles in our kitchen floor.
- We've been remodeling a bathroom in our house for the last 6 months and finally got one wall of tile up in the shower.. It is really nice stone tile, with a row of glass tile going around the middle. It looks good, nothing crazy. I had posted pics of it online. He was recently over (I wasn't there) and asked my husband to see the bathroom. So he opens the door and says "oooh , when I saw the pics online I told (my sister) that I thought what you did with the glass tile was ugly. That stripe is going to go all the way around??" My husband said yes, and he said "yeah, i would never have done that, i think it looks ugly". My husband responded that most people do something like that, and it is normal and again he said he thought it was ugly.
- My husband and I both got new cars a few months ago (both are Fords). Before I got mine, we were talking about what I might get, and when I mentioned I wanted a Ford Fusion, he said "why would you want one of those? they are ugly and Fords are pieces of crap". I was really offended. When I was over my parents' house with the car and they were all looking at it, he refused to come outside to see it and I over heard him say to my sister "what do I need to look at that for?"
- The first time he was in my husband's new car (a Ford Edge - used but LOADED and AWESOME) was when my husband was DRIVING HIM 3 1/2 hrs to upstate new york for his bachelor party. He said "oh this car drives pretty good for a Ford, usually Fords drive like crap". This was after he had already asked if he could borrow it in a few weeks, to which of course my husband said yes.
There are probably a ton more comments that were made over the last year but I can't possibly think of all of them right now.
My husband recently talked to this guy's best friend about it briefly and asked what is up with him constantly insulting everything and the friend said that he is like that to everyone, and does it to him all the time too - that he just has no filter.
But I'm sorry, that's just not an excuse. GET A FILTER, because you are Insulting and upsetting everybody that you come in contact with.
Just wanted to update this is STILL going on, not getting any better.
Sometimes people are very insecure with their own lives.
Because of this, they feel the need to insult others to make themselves "look better". Most of the time they are not even aware that they are doing it.
Personally, I have found the best reply to be something like this:
...blah blah blah it's ugly
(reply) "Well, my wife and I both like it and in the end, that's really all that matters. Hopefully when you get married, you will mature enough to understand this."
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He's a d--chebag. Plain and simple.0
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The brother in law sounds like an *kitten* hat. The guy thinks he is right and funny. He doesn't know that he is so abrasive. Maybe take your sister aside and explain the situation and she can maybe bring it up with her guy. There may be a time when you husband shares a piece of his mind with your sisters beau and puts him in his place and that may be a good thing.0
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dakotababy wrote: »Eww. I have a "brother-in-law" who sounds a lot like this...very critical of EVERYTHING. Has an opinion on EVERYTHING. I was sharing how I was buying a new Jeep and I just knew this guy was going to say something negative about the jeep wrangler...and sure enough, he spoke up right away about how "small" they are.
The guy is a total jerk, newly divorced (not surprised)...i was actually shocked that someone would even marry the guy and put up with his crap. I see guys like this to be totally insecure. You and your husband should start talking to him about HIS car...does he even have one?
I have an ex-brother in law that is like that, his family (my ex-husband's) put up with his crap, I always stood up to him, and I would get called on the carpet for it by my ex. Once he said "he won't talk to us if you talk to him like that" and I said "tell me how that is a bad thing?". Family gatherings where he was in attendance usually had at least one or two arguments going on.
I'm so glad to be rid of that dysfunctional lot. My life is much more peaceful.
Sorry that I don't have any advice, but I don't see this changing for the better, even if you do speak up and try to put him in his place. He lacks social skills, including empathy, and I feel badly for your sister that she is willing to put up with it.
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Actually your sister's SO seems to be lacking in sicial skills. Maybe he thinks that he is trying to hold a conversation in an area that YOUR husband is interested in, but he does not understand. The point is, your sister is marrying him, not your husband. At most gatherings there will be people that not all of us get along with. I ignor them and give little to no credit to their input.0
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Oh. My first thought is why does your hubs give a crap what the weasel thinks? So, they have different tastes in cars. meh.
Even if it never gets better, chances are pretty good with divorce rates what they are these days that one of your two marriages will fail, and the relationship between the two of them will only be temporary.0 -
Well, since we are only hearing it from one side of the story - I'd say your husband needs to nut-up and tell the brother-in-law to shove it or....... you could take this conversation from the 'online family-social experts here' and take it to your family and see what they have they.0
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If I were your husband, I would not force you to choose. I would, however, have a heartfelt and frank conversation with the future Brother-in law. I'd tell him I'd appreciate it if he'd keep his opinions to himself. He and I could still attend family functions, but we are not going to be best friends. What happens beyond that is up to the future brother-in-law, but if he reacted adversely, I'd put a dent in his forward, and, if you are a good wife, you will back your husband.0
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Inferiority complex.
The fiancée should quit whilst she's ahead as it won't last. Do you really think that guy will her any differently than he does with other people? Seen it happen too many times!!!
I love nissan a, have one myself!!0
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