Problems with future brother-in-law
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ThisSpeSHul_SnoflEHk wrote: »Oh. My first thought is why does your hubs give a crap what the weasel thinks? So, they have different tastes in cars. meh.
Even if it never gets better, chances are pretty good with divorce rates what they are these days that one of your two marriages will fail, and the relationship between the two of them will only be temporary.
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Sounds like you and hubby are gathering a lot of ammunition to hate this guy. You two are so touchy and in desperate need for his approval. Give it up. Who care if he says the wood isn't solid. Get past it. Don't act like a child victim and try not to roll your eyes. These attacks are out of ignorance or stupidity but you and hubby aren't acting better. Darn, sounds like you are gunning for your sister and trying to ruin it for her. Maybe you should stay out of the way.0
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sillygoosie wrote: »He has no tact or filter. It doesn't mean he's a bad guy. All you need to worry about is whether or not your sister is happy.
Yes0 -
thTheRoadDog wrote: »If I were your husband, I would not force you to choose. I would, however, have a heartfelt and frank conversation with the future Brother-in law. I'd tell him I'd appreciate it if he'd keep his opinions to himself. He and I could still attend family functions, but we are not going to be best friends. What happens beyond that is up to the future brother-in-law, but if he reacted adversely, I'd put a dent in his forward, and, if you are a good wife, you will back your husband.
exactly- THIS
and i am exasperated at the whole story ( i've read every page ). Neither me nor my husband of 34 years would tolerate this kind of person in our midst more than once and fortunately we dont have any family members like this idiot. I cant fathom how this guy has friends at all- and i suspect that Eventually he will- NOT treat your sister like a princess; probably just after the I DO'S.0 -
You feel this way because you don't care about cars (and neither do I) but imagine if it was something that you had a real PASSION about, and he was basically putting it down. He is in a band, and I know if we ever said anything negative about his band, he would be hurt.Hubby sounds over sensitive about his car. It's a hunk of metal that gets you from point A to point B. Christ.
There are car brands and models I HATE, I don't care how much some one tells me it's awesome and ZOMG I have to see how great it is. I don't like it. If you ask or talk about it I will tell you I don't like it and xyz why. It's an opinion.
You imagine incorrectly. People who snub my passions (lifting, pottery, 80's metal, Harry Potter etc) get laughed at and blown off. Zero Fs given, here.
And if he's so sensitive about his little band, why not a little dishing back of what he's serving? Make a few snide comments about his music, and see if that shuts him up about your husband's car.
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It looks like a lot of people didn't see/read my latest update about the things he has done and said to both of us, not just my husband, since I originally posted this.
They are now married, and we're stuck with him, but it hasn't gotten any better. If anything it is worse now, since it does it to me all the time too. It is no longer about my husband not liking him. I can't stand him now either, and I am seeing my sister less and less because of it - because I don't want to be around him.0 -
There have been a lot of posts and advice since my original post, and I've posted an update since then.He is going to let it go for now and if it happens again, he will have to say SOMETHING to him, because I refuse to get in the middle of it, or let it become a bigger problem than it should.
He already tried talking to the guy and it didn't work.
And hanging around with your sister and her soon-to-be husband is your idea. Not your husband's. He spends time with them to please you. You are aware of that, aren't you?
And yes, your husband was spoken to in a blatantly insulting manner. And he said so when it happened without causing a fight or a huge thing. He did everything right.
You've put yourself in the middle of it when you didn't validate and agree with your husband when he clearly expressed his desire to minimize contact with this guy. You could have said, Okay Dear. I get where you're coming from. I can visit with sis on my own without dragging you along, since this guy snubbed your efforts toward friendliness and insulted you a number of times.
And hopefully he'd do the same for you if the tables were turned.
Your loyalty should be to your husband first.
However, I wanted to reply to some of these suggestions.
I see my sister mostly when there are family functions - I can't, and don't expect or want my husband to not attend family functions because BIL is going to be there. Its just not realistic and wouldn't be right. As far as them having parties, I can't attend their party and not have my husband come. It just isn't normal for us or our family and what am I supposed to say? he didn't feel like coming, they would know something was wrong - again, just normal for our family. Sure, I hang out with just girlfriends, without my husband, but when it comes to something with my sister having a party for example, I consider that family, my husband is invited, and if I go, he goes. However, since my original post, BIL has done and said a lot more towards BOTH of us, this is no longer just about what he has said to my husband (it never really was just about that - he's insulted both of us now).
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SuninVirgo wrote: »Sounds like you and hubby are gathering a lot of ammunition to hate this guy. You two are so touchy and in desperate need for his approval. Give it up. Who care if he says the wood isn't solid. Get past it. Don't act like a child victim and try not to roll your eyes. These attacks are out of ignorance or stupidity but you and hubby aren't acting better. Darn, sounds like you are gunning for your sister and trying to ruin it for her. Maybe you should stay out of the way.
What exactly are we doing? The ONLY thing my husband and I have done about this, is spoken to each other. We haven't made it a big deal (or even mentioned it to my sister), and we haven't said anything to him. I've posted about it here for advice. So please tell me exactly how we are seeing his approval?? Because it pisses me off that someone constantly says rude things to us for no reason??0 -
He's a bully. Someone needs to teach him a lesson. That's all.0
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Meh. This is small stuff, really. If this is the only drama that your family has to deal with, consider yourself lucky.
If it really bothers you, then you both need to talk to him. That would be the mature thing to do - otherwise, you're just going to let it fester and get worse.0 -
Meh. This is small stuff, really. If this is the only drama that your family has to deal with, consider yourself lucky.
If it really bothers you, then you both need to talk to him. That would be the mature thing to do - otherwise, you're just going to let it fester and get worse.
It has actually become a running joke between my husband and I and our friends. We bet on what things he is going to insult when we see him and then joke about it afterwards. We've realized that he's never going to stop doing it - I honestly think he just has no social skills.
My husband is actually really funny and always has my parents and aunts and uncles cracking up hysterically at family functions. BIL will try to make a joke, which ends up being awkward and not funny at all, and nobody laughs except my sister! Maybe he feels like he needs to compete with us?? I definitely don't feel like I need his approval of ANYTHING and I certainly don't feel like we need to compete with HIM.
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Meh. This is small stuff, really. If this is the only drama that your family has to deal with, consider yourself lucky.
If it really bothers you, then you both need to talk to him. That would be the mature thing to do - otherwise, you're just going to let it fester and get worse.
It has actually become a running joke between my husband and I and our friends. We bet on what things he is going to insult when we see him and then joke about it afterwards. We've realized that he's never going to stop doing it - I honestly think he just has no social skills.
My husband is actually really funny and always has my parents and aunts and uncles cracking up hysterically at family functions. BIL will try to make a joke, which ends up being awkward and not funny at all, and nobody laughs except my sister! Maybe he feels like he needs to compete with us?? I definitely don't feel like I need his approval of ANYTHING and I certainly don't feel like we need to compete with HIM.
I never said anything about you needing to compete with him...or you needing his approval.
But, the reality is, there are far worse things in life that some families need to overcome. This really is small stuff. If your sister is happy, then that is what matters. If he continues to get under your skin, then say something to him. I don't understand all this hand wringing when you haven't even addressed it with him. That's just bizarre to me.
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I didn't say that you said anything about us needing approval. I was just saying it myself.Meh. This is small stuff, really. If this is the only drama that your family has to deal with, consider yourself lucky.
If it really bothers you, then you both need to talk to him. That would be the mature thing to do - otherwise, you're just going to let it fester and get worse.
It has actually become a running joke between my husband and I and our friends. We bet on what things he is going to insult when we see him and then joke about it afterwards. We've realized that he's never going to stop doing it - I honestly think he just has no social skills.
My husband is actually really funny and always has my parents and aunts and uncles cracking up hysterically at family functions. BIL will try to make a joke, which ends up being awkward and not funny at all, and nobody laughs except my sister! Maybe he feels like he needs to compete with us?? I definitely don't feel like I need his approval of ANYTHING and I certainly don't feel like we need to compete with HIM.
I never said anything about you needing to compete with him...or you needing his approval.
But, the reality is, there are far worse things in life that some families need to overcome. This really is small stuff. If your sister is happy, then that is what matters. If he continues to get under your skin, then say something to him. I don't understand all this hand wringing when you haven't even addressed it with him. That's just bizarre to me.
Addressing it with him really isn't an option. My sister would get very upset and it would cause a huge issue between us and the family, which isn't neccessary, because, as you said, there are bigger things to worry about and this isn't one of them. That's why I said we've moved on to laughing about it, but that doesn't mean he still doesn't get under our skin.0 -
I have idiot in-laws. My husband has permission to attend or not depending on his tolerance that day. It's put up, shut up, and get through the holidays. We have a good laugh afterwards.0
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I didn't say that you said anything about us needing approval. I was just saying it myself.Meh. This is small stuff, really. If this is the only drama that your family has to deal with, consider yourself lucky.
If it really bothers you, then you both need to talk to him. That would be the mature thing to do - otherwise, you're just going to let it fester and get worse.
It has actually become a running joke between my husband and I and our friends. We bet on what things he is going to insult when we see him and then joke about it afterwards. We've realized that he's never going to stop doing it - I honestly think he just has no social skills.
My husband is actually really funny and always has my parents and aunts and uncles cracking up hysterically at family functions. BIL will try to make a joke, which ends up being awkward and not funny at all, and nobody laughs except my sister! Maybe he feels like he needs to compete with us?? I definitely don't feel like I need his approval of ANYTHING and I certainly don't feel like we need to compete with HIM.
I never said anything about you needing to compete with him...or you needing his approval.
But, the reality is, there are far worse things in life that some families need to overcome. This really is small stuff. If your sister is happy, then that is what matters. If he continues to get under your skin, then say something to him. I don't understand all this hand wringing when you haven't even addressed it with him. That's just bizarre to me.
Addressing it with him really isn't an option. My sister would get very upset and it would cause a huge issue between us and the family, which isn't neccessary, because, as you said, there are bigger things to worry about and this isn't one of them. That's why I said we've moved on to laughing about it, but that doesn't mean he still doesn't get under our skin.
SMH.
So many problems can be fixed by just talking, but so many people write the narrative in their head before it even happens.
Addressing it with him doesn't have to be combative. I still don't understand why you wouldn't give it a try to make life more pleasant for everyone. This is child's play.0 -
I have idiot in-laws. My husband has permission to attend or not depending on his tolerance that day. It's put up, shut up, and get through the holidays. We have a good laugh afterwards.
I have an uncle who is unbearable. He drinks his weight in booze, gets stupid drunk and says really inappropriate, sexist things that would make a porn star blush. It has been addressed. It does not change. But, hey, at least we gave it a shot. Now, we grin and bear it every few years and move on.0 -
Your husband doesn't have to give this turd bag more than a "hello" and "goodbye" when they see each other. You don't have to choose. And hang out with your sister separately as well.
And I agree with eric_sg61 that it sounds like this guy's either trying to start a fight, or is a constant one-upper. He's probably really insecure (if he has to put people down) and really insensitive.0 -
SoDamnHungry wrote: »Your husband doesn't have to give this turd bag more than a "hello" and "goodbye" when they see each other. You don't have to choose. And hang out with your sister separately as well.
And I agree with eric_sg61 that it sounds like this guy's either trying to start a fight, or is a constant one-upper. He's probably really insecure (if he has to put people down) and really insensitive.
Except she doesn't know that because they haven't had a conversation about it. There's just so many assumptions being made. They may be right. They may be wrong. No one will ever know if they don't lay it out on the table.0 -
He sounds like he's on the autism spectrum.
Why does his comments matter to you so much? You don't control how other people behave. If you don't like it, limit your interaction and do things with your sister outside of him.0 -
Ok after reading your update - Asperger's is definitely the first thing that comes to mind. I'd say it might not be the guy's fault that he behaves like this.
However, you don't have to put it with it. I'd probably focus on seeing your sister alone more than with her husband after the wedding, and explain to her why - that you understand that it's just how he is and you applaud her for overlooking those faults, but that the comments are toxic to you and you just can't deal with them on a frequent basis. I know I couldn't... even knowing it's not the guy's fault, it would just totally drag me down.
I wouldn't wait until they're married to say something. Say something now before she makes a big mistake.
Meh- they can be trained.
OP"S douchey future brother in law sounds a lot like my BF.
Zero filter.
He can be real REAL *kitten* sometimes- but he treats me extremely well- and I've gotten him over his "review-itus"
you know- when he reads something and that's his opinion for forever- and it's never a discussion about the subject- it's just this is what I think and you're wrong if you don't agree. Its' not a debate/discussion- it's him telling you what it is.
I've FINALLY gotten him a little bit past it- and into real research and R/D stuff- like yes we are going to go try it. I HATE when he says- oh the reviews are horrible. Shut up- we're trying it you *kitten*.
They can be trained. LOL But you have to be clear about what's going on. SPEAK UP.
we aren't 5 here any more- there is no Mrs Smith to mediate like there was in kindergarten.
As for what YOU need to do OP- you have to stand with your husband. Not your sister.
And if they can't play nice- then the two of you need to schedule time together.
I can't stand my BF's sister's fiance- he's a grade A tool (personal "trainer" who told me all the bad health hype over smoking is a conspiracy- and that a man with one nut- or no nut's isn't a man at all- seriously- grade.A.douchetool).
I go to family functions.
And I leave.
I stand my ground on subjects as they happen- but I don't go out of my way to pick a fight.
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Addressing it with him really isn't an option.
so you answered your own question.
do nothing and keep being miserable.
good to know.0 -
I'm from Glasgow and people with a big mouth like that get the *kitten* well and trully kicked out of them, changes them for the better, makes them humble in a way. All he needs is a headbutt to the face and a few stomps on the floor and he'll be a changed man!
by the way i dont condon violence in anyway but sometimes with some people... thers just no other way0 -
My advice - it's not your problem. It's your husband's and your FBIL. So if your sister wants to hang out and YOU want to hang out you say yes and let those babies suck it up. Sounds like both are being rude to each other (FBIL is saying rude things meanwhile your hubs made a snap judgment about him immediately upon meeting him - people can sense that you know). Over cars. That's like getting offended over jeans or something. So material and inconsequential (regardless of passion).
It's not choosing between your husband and your sister. You're just requiring people to act like adults. Your husband can stay home if he wants to. It's not like you won't return to him at the end of the night.
And I wouldn't bother your sister with your husband's problems. Again, that's for him and FBIL to sort out. Why would you want to cause her stress she doesn't need and isn't responsible for dealing with? If you insist on talking to someone, it's the FBIL you need to talk to.
Honestly - it's also not your husband and your sister you're choosing between. You're choosing between your FBIL and your sister - so is your sister worth enough to have to spend time with the FBIL to you? If it were me, if it meant never seeing my sister again if I didn't accept that it is HER choice to have your FBIL around (not yours), there is no question. I have to see my sister.0 -
the solution for us, has been to laugh it off. Trust me, we are not miserable by any means. We now treat him like the joke that he is, and don't take anything he says seriously whatsoever. Sure, it still irks me when he says something rude, but not to the point where I feel the need to make it a bigger issue with anybody by having this big "discussion" about it. It isn't worth the effort. Its not like my life happiness depends on whether or not this idiot is nice to me.
I also forgot to mention, while at his bachelor party weekend, my husband discussed it a bit with BIL's best friend - and that friend told him he does the same thing to him ALL THE TIME. So clearly, if that's his best friend he is talking to that way, then he has no filter and doesn't think he's being a jerk. He wouldn't be purposely talking that way to someone who he considered his best friend.0 -
I'm from Glasgow and people with a big mouth like that get the *kitten* well and trully kicked out of them, changes them for the better, makes them humble in a way. All he needs is a headbutt to the face and a few stomps on the floor and he'll be a changed man!
by the way i dont condon violence in anyway but sometimes with some people... thers just no other way
Wut?
Seriously? A few stomps on the floor? WTF?
This is what's wrong with the world today. Everyone wants to make assumptions, be passive aggressive, b&tch and moan on the internet....but no one actually wants to put the work in to fix anything. This isn't even a big thing to fix if you have even the smallest amount of maturity.
Wow. Just wow.
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the solution for us, has been to laugh it off. Trust me, we are not miserable by any means. We now treat him like the joke that he is, and don't take anything he says seriously whatsoever. Sure, it still irks me when he says something rude, but not to the point where I feel the need to make it a bigger issue with anybody by having this big "discussion" about it. It isn't worth the effort. Its not like my life happiness depends on whether or not this idiot is nice to me.
I also forgot to mention, while at his bachelor party weekend, my husband discussed it a bit with BIL's best friend - and that friend told him he does the same thing to him ALL THE TIME. So clearly, if that's his best friend he is talking to that way, then he has no filter and doesn't think he's being a jerk. He wouldn't be purposely talking that way to someone who he considered his best friend.
Yet you keep posting here. You have two options, either take it up with someone (sister and/or douche, preferable douche) in an adult way (calmly and eloquently presented negative feedback with a solution offered at the end) or you accept the situation as it is now, make peace with it and shut up about it.
At this point it doesn't matter WHY the douche is behaving the way he is. Question is what you will do after you have pondered cost/benefits and consequences, then chosen one of two options. Currently you are in neither yesland nor noland, but in bitchinglandwherenoprogressisbeingmade.0 -
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I like you, I think we could curb stomp someone together.I'm from Glasgow and people with a big mouth like that get the *kitten* well and trully kicked out of them, changes them for the better, makes them humble in a way. All he needs is a headbutt to the face and a few stomps on the floor and he'll be a changed man!
by the way i dont condon violence in anyway but sometimes with some people... thers just no other way
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Several people have said that he sounds like he has aspergers syndrome. I think you and your husband should read up on it to understand his behavior and learn how to handle him. There are ways to respond to him, and if that's the problem it means he doesn't have it in for you---he just can't help it. Ask your sister if he has it. Confronting this is better than sweeping it under the rug, or laughing at someone who might have a handicap. Also, their children could have it and it's better all around to have some coping skills. Best of luck.
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