Problems with future brother-in-law
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He didn't say it in a joking or mean way, just kinda said it. But it was awkward afterwards.I agree that the part about the restaurant was definitely uncalled for, especially when he was receiving a free meal from your parents; a kind gesture that they did NOT have to do. As far as the car, however, is it possible that he was joking around? Did he say it in a condescending manner? Oftentimes,its not WHAT you say, it's how you say it.0 -
I wanted to respond to some of the comments and questions here:
-- He drives a RAV4, lol
-- We've known him for over a year now, and it seems like he started saying some of these things more recently for some reason. Maybe he is nervous about joining the family. I definitely do think he is immature as well as insecure. He is going on 29 years old and so is my sister.
-- I also think he is somewhat jealous of my husband. This guy is very unhappy with his job (he drives a city bus), doesn't have much money, still lives in an apartment, drives a crappy car, etc. My husband has a very good job for the last 12 years, we own a house, he has a nice car, etc. So I definitely think some of this comes from jealousy and insecurity.
-- I absolutely do not want my sister to break up with him and I want the best for them. He makes her very happy and treats her like a princess. Whether or not we like him should have absolutely nothing to do with their relationship.
-- We did not judge him from Day 1. From when we met him, we always thought he was a little odd and different, and we knew that he had nothing in common with my husband, so that made things a little weird when we hung out with them. But my husband never had a problem with him (other than thinking he was weird), until very recently - since he has been saying these rude things more and more.
--I agree that my husband is being over sensitive about the car thing. Like I said, there have been some comments that this guy has made to me, which I just let roll off my back - because I just don't care what he says or thinks about me or anything. I don't let his comments bother me at all - and to me - I'd rather just deal with it and let it go rather than cause a big issue.
My husband and I had a huge discussion about this today now that he had some time to cool off about things.
He said he doesn't think he should have to deal with the rude comments, and that if it was up to him he would just never talk to or see this guy again. He said if it was one of his friends that said these things to him, he would tell them off. But he obviously can't do that, because of who this guy is and what problems that would cause for everyone.
He said this bothered him the most because he had truly been trying to make an attempt at being friendly with him and have a conversation about something.
I told my husband that he should just let things go - and not listen to anything he says.
I said it isn't fair to me to say he won't go anywhere he is going to be or invite him to our house, because it is still my sister (we are pretty close), and that would mean that I could never invite her over for a party or BBQ or whatever. We usually spend New year's eve with them too, and that would be out as well.
I've thought about talking to my sister and I'm still not sure if I will. I was thinking I might just ask her what is up with him saying these comments lately, and explain what I mean by that.. and then maybe tell her that he should really try to stop making comments about my husband's car, because it really bothers him. Then leave it up to her to talk to him about it and fix it, and hopefully it will stop. My other idea, was for me to just talk to this guy and ask him to please stop saying stuff about that car because I know it bother's my husband. I think not saying something might make things worse if it happens again (and it probably will), but saying something could be bad as well. Still torn about that!
*Edit* I wanted to mention the other things he said to me that kinda bugged me. He had called me when planning their engagement, to ask me what limo company I had used for my bachelorette party, because he wanted to rent a limo for the night he proposed. So I told him the company. Then, he ended up telling me that he booked a different company, because he looked up reviews of the company I had used, and they were all bad reviews, and the company he found was much better. I was thinking "so he trusts stranger's opinions over me? Then why ask me at all??"
When he was getting ready to buy her ring, he was talking to me about it, about what size, clarity, etc that he should get. I told him the size of my ring, and I told him that when we picked it out, we chose a little bit bigger, with slightly less clarity, because to me personally, I'd rather have a little bit bigger ring, when you can't see the difference in clarity anyway. Then, he looked at my ring, and then says "No, I don't care if it is smaller, I want it to be as clear as it can be. I'd rather get a nicer diamond". So again, basically he was saying that my ring wasn't nice, in a roundabout way.
Recently, we refinished our hardwood floor in one room, all by ourselves. When he came to our house and looked at it, he asked things like "why did you do it so dark a color? It makes the room so dark and dreary". And also "why did you make it so shiny"? Like instead of just saying, wow it looks really nice!0 -
He didn't say it in a joking or mean way, just kinda said it. But it was awkward afterwards.I agree that the part about the restaurant was definitely uncalled for, especially when he was receiving a free meal from your parents; a kind gesture that they did NOT have to do. As far as the car, however, is it possible that he was joking around? Did he say it in a condescending manner? Oftentimes,its not WHAT you say, it's how you say it.
I know people like this....got a relative that is kinda this way. They find fault with just about everything. Once we had a cookout, where we bought all the food, they only had to show up and eat....she says "can I see the package these burgers came in"...they were a box from sams club (cause there were 30 people there)....she says "you couldn't have bought better burgers"...not in an overly snotty way, but "matter-of-factly"....so I said "you don't have to eat it", and put the burger I had on the spatula that was aimed for her plate back on the grill. Her husband just looked at me, he was behind her and smiled. She never saw him smile. And she walked away from me. Some people you just have to let know they are being @sshats.0 -
*Edit* I wanted to mention the other things he said to me that kinda bugged me. He had called me when planning their engagement, to ask me what limo company I had used for my bachelorette party, because he wanted to rent a limo for the night he proposed. So I told him the company. Then, he ended up telling me that he booked a different company, because he looked up reviews of the company I had used, and they were all bad reviews, and the company he found was much better. I was thinking "so he trusts stranger's opinions over me? Then why ask me at all??"
When he was getting ready to buy her ring, he was talking to me about it, about what size, clarity, etc that he should get. I told him the size of my ring, and I told him that when we picked it out, we chose a little bit bigger, with slightly less clarity, because to me personally, I'd rather have a little bit bigger ring, when you can't see the difference in clarity anyway. Then, he looked at my ring, and then says "No, I don't care if it is smaller, I want it to be as clear as it can be. I'd rather get a nicer diamond". So again, basically he was saying that my ring wasn't nice, in a roundabout way.
Recently, we refinished our hardwood floor in one room, all by ourselves. When he came to our house and looked at it, he asked things like "why did you do it so dark a color? It makes the room so dark and dreary". And also "why did you make it so shiny"? Like instead of just saying, wow it looks really nice!
Ok, so you know what this guy is all about. You've got many different examples to show you that this guy is going to continue to find fault and proclaim superiority at every available opportunity. If I were you, I'd draw some clear lines. You guys WILL get tired of it, and it WILL end up an ugly situation at some point. It may not be now, you may be able to "hold it together" until after they are married, but unless he understands that it is not okay with you to act in this fashion, it will not stop, and will probably get worse. It would be best in my view if you address it sooner rather than later, as it will stew, and then when it finally does come to a head, it will cause alot of issues.
Tell your husband I applaud his patience, I would have already had words with him by now.0 -
I wanted to respond to some of the comments and questions here:
-- He drives a RAV4, lol
-- We've known him for over a year now, and it seems like he started saying some of these things more recently for some reason. Maybe he is nervous about joining the family. I definitely do think he is immature as well as insecure. He is going on 29 years old
OK, this is helpful. The way I see it, there are probably 3 possibilities here.
He has had the time to get to know you guys a little and is starting to relax in your company, but is just so completely socially inept that the rubbish keeps coming out. Given more time, he could improve.
The wedding is getting closer, and he is starting to get uptight about it. Get past the big day, and hopefully he will relax a little and go back to the way he was.
He has a serious chip on his shoulder and wants to constantly make himself look better than everyone, and feels threatened because his extended family to be clearly is successful, and he clearly is not. He cannot see that his reactions are just alienating him from everyone. To find out what it is all about will take time and probably frank conversation, and he won't open up easily.
I sounds like your husband has been really patient with him, and deserves a meddle (I would tend to snap back I'm afraid!). Having a game plan to deal with these get-togethers would be a good idea so that you know when the other has had enough. Personally, I still wouldn't let it lie because it just stores up resentment. I would bide my time, and pick an appropriate moment to talk about this with your sister. Maybe she knows why (I presume she is not blind, even if she doesn't want to acknowledge it) and can help you deal with him. Good luck!0 -
Everyone is going to have opinions.Thanks to everyone for all of the advice!
Usually, my husband and I do laugh off the things that this guy says and does, I guess this just got under his skin. He is going to let it go for now and if it happens again, he will have to say SOMETHING to him, because I refuse to get in the middle of it, or let it become a bigger problem than it should.
I drive probably the most wussy car made. a 1973 Beetle.
Anyway, every once in a while, someone will say something. (you should buy a MAN truck).
My typical reply is normally something about the size of my "junk" and not needing to prove myself.
Your husbands conversation should go something like this.
Husband:...And I love my 350
BIL: Yeah, that car kinda sucks. I like the Mustang and Camaro
Husband: I can understand that. Not many people are talent enough to drive a high horsepower V6 so they have to compensate with a V8. I understand that. Plus, most people who prefer the bigger motors are normally lacking between the legs. My sympathies to your fiancee.
And SCENE.0 -
I personally would have said something...but that's just me being the jerk I am. But I would have said something like "oh nothing compares to your sweet Rav 4." People like this don't need to be ignored or sugar coat stuff.0
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I think that your husband should call him out when he makes a rude comment. Let them handle it between themselves.0
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It's a tough situation, but bottom line...husband first, everyone else second.
I would probably just limit interaction between the two to family events and leave it at that. If you want to hang out with your sister it will have to be 1 on 1.0 -
I can't believe this has gotten so many replies!
My husband really doesn't want to cause any family conflict, which is why he's been biting his tongue and hasn't said anything to this guy. He'd rather try to ignore him completely and just not be friends with him, instead of talking to him about it - because really - he has no desire to be friends with him anyway. Yes, if he stopped making these comments to us, my husband wouldn't have to deal with them - but - talking to him or my sister about it COULD make things worse than they already are, you know?
I do however, have a knack at making a joke out of things, and I think I could probably say something back - in front of everyone - the next time it happens. I have to remember that this guy is going to be my family - so I should be able to speak to him the same way I'd speak to my sister. If it had been my sister that had made these comments, I would've called her out on them - probably in a joking way, and that would've been the end of it. The problem so far has been he caught us completely off guard at the time and nobody had any idea how to even react to what he said. In the future, I will be better prepared for any comments he might make - and I won't be afraid to say something back - in the nicest way that I can without causing a problem or a scene.
The next time we will see them is Memorial Day weekend - we are going to their place for a BBQ with a bunch of his friends (and ironically, my husband actually really gets along with this guy's best friend and really likes him).
If anything is said at that BBQ, I will have to say something. I'll be sure to post an update back here afterwards!0 -
It really isn't possible. We have bbq's and parties all the time that don't involve other family members, and it is out of the question to NOT invite the two of them for those parties. They have to be invited - she is my sister - they are a couple.It's a tough situation, but bottom line...husband first, everyone else second.
I would probably just limit interaction between the two to family events and leave it at that. If you want to hang out with your sister it will have to be 1 on 1.0 -
I wanted to respond to some of the comments and questions here:
-- He drives a RAV4, lol
-- We've known him for over a year now, and it seems like he started saying some of these things more recently for some reason. Maybe he is nervous about joining the family. I definitely do think he is immature as well as insecure. He is going on 29 years old
OK, this is helpful. The way I see it, there are probably 3 possibilities here.
He has had the time to get to know you guys a little and is starting to relax in your company, but is just so completely socially inept that the rubbish keeps coming out. Given more time, he could improve.
The wedding is getting closer, and he is starting to get uptight about it. Get past the big day, and hopefully he will relax a little and go back to the way he was.
He has a serious chip on his shoulder and wants to constantly make himself look better than everyone, and feels threatened because his extended family to be clearly is successful, and he clearly is not. He cannot see that his reactions are just alienating him from everyone. To find out what it is all about will take time and probably frank conversation, and he won't open up easily.
I sounds like your husband has been really patient with him, and deserves a meddle (I would tend to snap back I'm afraid!). Having a game plan to deal with these get-togethers would be a good idea so that you know when the other has had enough. Personally, I still wouldn't let it lie because it just stores up resentment. I would bide my time, and pick an appropriate moment to talk about this with your sister. Maybe she knows why (I presume she is not blind, even if she doesn't want to acknowledge it) and can help you deal with him. Good luck!
I don't think this guy has a chip on his shoulder..but I think it may be a combination of getting to know us better, as well as the stress of the wedding (they only got engaged two weeks ago).0 -
I wish I had better advice for you, but I'm in a similar situation. My boyfriend's mother is extremely rude to me for no reason, and he doesn't see it even when I've tried to explain it to him. At this point, I've come to the decision to just avoid her when I can, and when I can't, just be civil. :ohwell:0
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I wish I had better advice for you, but I'm in a similar situation. My boyfriend's mother is extremely rude to me for no reason, and he doesn't see it even when I've tried to explain it to him. At this point, I've come to the decision to just avoid her when I can, and when I can't, just be civil. :ohwell:
Yeah, I'm wondering if my sister doesn't seem to see it because she knows him better, and maybe this is "just how he is", so it doesn't bother her? It might be the same situation for you- your boyfriend obviously knows his mother, and is probably used to how she is that he doesn't even see the problem with it, you know? I guess it just takes getting used to - and trying not to take it too personally.
I've told my husband to try not to take it too personally, because it is obvious that this guy says comments like this to everybody, not just him.0 -
Sometimes awkward silence says more than words.0
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Tough situation.0
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Tough situation.
yeah from a YEAR ago...0 -
Just be ready to jump to your sister's aid when he starts abusing her, if he hasn't already.0
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I would tell your Sister and him he is out of order with your hubby! Stand up for your man! I would be raging if someone did that to me!0
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If your husband gets along well with his best friend maybe your husband can ask the guy what is up with your soon to be brother in law...if the guy is his best friend he should have some insight you know? And myabe the best friend will have some helpful advice as to how to deal with him too.0
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He sounds like a knob.
But good news! You don't have to hang out with your family.
Basically this.
BUT...I do understand that you will most likely have to be around this guy since he's going to be part of your family. I think it would be best to A) limit the amount of time that you have to spend with HIM...either just being around for a shorter period at get-togethers, or hanging out with your sister separately in the guise of "girl time" and
you and your husband can take the high road and laugh later at your future BIL's immaturity and total lack of social skills, which is what it sounds like to me.
I have kinda been there...although it is not as serious for me because the sister is 'just' a stepsister and she's 9 yrs older so we were never that close anyway. She and her husband are both religious and conservative, while my husband and I are non-religious and pretty liberal (especially my husband). Every time we attend a family gathering with my step BIL present he manages to annoy and/or offend my husband. Some of it rolls off my back, like when he says something ignorant and ethnocentric, but it is definitely obnoxious. I'm sure we would hang out more with that part of my family if my stepsister's husband was more similar to my stepsister, dad, and stepmom...they are all pretty similar, and quite different from my husband and I...but at least they know how to stay on neutral topics and be polite.
Maybe someday your brother-in-law will "get it"...or maybe your sister will change her mind and pick someone better ;-) Good luck!0 -
My sisters husband comes off as a know it all at times. And he is CONSTANTLY picking fun of me. I'm a red head and he constantly is making "ginger" jokes, it gets SO old! I make fun of him right back, and get sassy. He and I have a strange relationship. Kind of like real brother and sister in the sense that he bothers the hell out of me sometimes! But he treats my sister VERY VERY well. He adores her. And that's all that really matters to me. If anything, it's what makes me tolerate his annoying self, lol. If it was any difference I probably wouldn't get a long with him or have anything in common. What really matters to me is that my sister is happy and is treated well.
Just tell hubby to brush it off his shoulders like I do, got to have thicker skin. Not everyone you meet is going to be compatible with you.0 -
I want to help you because I had a similar situation with my wife and my sister, and I handled it poorly and it made things a lot worse. It hurt my wife because she felt like I was taking my family's side and it ended up being worse because there were years of bottled up feelings let go at once. Basically same situation, clash of personalities they were never going to get along and my sister always wants to be the center of attention and would make this little comments that I (unfortunately) asked my wife to brush off. Years later it ended up blowing up, my sister said some horrible things, and we haven't spoken to her in almost 2 years.
Maybe this guy comes from a family that trades insults as jokes and so he thinks this is funny. Maybe he is trying to be "one of the guys" with your husband by busting his chops. But, the important thing here is your husband feels disrespected and insulted and he needs to know you are on his side.
So my advice:
1) Talk to your husband openly about what he wants to see happen and what the likely outcome is. He may say I want to curse this guy out, but he probably won't change his ways. Maybe you ask him to take a gentler approach. Maybe you want to approach your sister beforehand, maybe he wants to settle it man to man, etc. You also need to understand if it is something he wants to handle, or if he would like you to handle it because its your family. If he wants you to handle it, you need to discuss how that goes down and he needs to have realistic expectations that it won't be exactly how he would do it.
2) Don't ask him to just brush this stuff off. It will build up over time. And annoyance will turn into resentment. And resentment will turn into he can't even stand to be in the same room as the guy. Better to say "Hey if you are just going to be negative, I don't want to talk to you" and then it's on BIL to change his ways. Being in the open might seem uncomfortable now but it will be so much worse if you let it build up.
3) If your sister gets mad, point out that if you and her relationship is important to her future husband, a simple request like "Don't be so negative all the time" should be something he is happy to do to make things comfortable with her future family.
You may have the situation that even if you bluntly point out he's being a **** he won't care and won't change. Your sister may rather than seeing it for what it is may defend him, or get defensive, or attack your husband (it's hard to know how people will react). And then you have an uncomfortable decision, but limiting time with them might be the only way.0 -
Is his name Sheldon Cooper by any chance?0
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He honestly sounds like the kind of guy who wouldn't get a second invite. If your sister wants to marry him that's her problem, but I'd fully support your husband's decision to kick him out of your house if it comes to that. You and your sister can have a relationship away from your husbands.0
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He honestly sounds like the kind of guy who wouldn't get a second invite. If your sister wants to marry him that's her problem, but I'd fully support your husband's decision to kick him out of your house if it comes to that. You and your sister can have a relationship away from your husbands.
what he said!!
This guy sounds like a tool. and if he doesnt get it when no one wants him around, just let your husband have a go at him. a black eye and shattered ego might do the trick.0 -
''that's really rude. we don't insult your taste so please don't insult ours. now, would you like another beer?''
Yep. Going with this answer. Good luck!0 -
Good news is that there's about a 50% chance they will get divorced and about a 15% chance they won't even end up married. Maybe you won't have to deal with him much longer. :flowerforyou:0
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He has no tact or filter. It doesn't mean he's a bad guy. All you need to worry about is whether or not your sister is happy.0
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Awww man that's tough.0
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