My heart is broken...

sdfkjsadglkj11

This is long, but I need to say this. My boyfriend and I just saw each other last week. We've been together a year, and last week we got a hotel just to hang out. We haven't had sex. We didn't want the hotel for the sex. We just wanted to be alone. So we went out and bought some taco bell and he just looked at me and smiled and said he loved me, that he loved this, that I'm so amazing. It was the best night. We cuddled and talked and the next day we went home. Well, he didn't talk to me at all after that, not for four days. I called him on the fourth day and he was distant, and I asked why he hadn't called me. I was hurt. He said it wasn't a big deal.

Then two days later, after he went on a road trip with his friends without me, after inviting me two weeks prior, not even telling me the day (I had to find out through one of his friend's fb statuses), then next night he left me a message on FB saying: Hey I'm sorry I haven't called and I've been distant. I need to talk to you."

I instantly knew something was wrong, but he said he had a flat tire and wouldn't be able to see me until tomorrow. So I threw on my pretty new sundress to cheer him up and went down to his house, which I rarely ever do since I'm a terrible driver. He looked surprised to see me, and he took me upstairs into his room and started crying. I cradled his head i n my arms and asked what was wrong, and he asked me why I cared about him so much. Then he basically proceeded to tell me that I loved him more than he loved me, that he didn't want to feel obligated to buy me dinner or take me out, and that he wanted the freedom to do things he wants to do.

I was so upset. I told him I didn't want him to feel obligated, I wanted him to do it because he wanted to. Just two weeks earlier he took me to the mall and bought me two dresses, just because! I don't have many dresses, and he said he wanted to make me happy. I just don't understand. I'm so upset. I started crying and asking him to please not leave me, and I felt so pathetic. I've been crying ever since. And this just happened last night. He drove me home and I hugged him and couldn't let go, then I went to bed and cried myself to sleep. Woke up three hours later. Cried. Went back to sleep. I've been crying on and off all day. I feel so pathetic for begging him, but he's everything to me. And this came up out of the blue.

What's so confusing is that he says that he feels like he's stringing me along, but he still wants to be with me, and he kept trying to hug me and cuddle with me and kiss me. I'm so confused, he acted like he had to break up with me even though he didn't want to...

I'm so sad... I can't eat, I can't think....

nicolecassandra

Give him some space, i think he needs it. It's really hard, trust me, i'm on that kind of situation too. But, guys need some time to think. Upon doing so, you have to think of the possibilities. He probably feels like you're controlling and he can't do what he's supposed to do as your boyfriend.

glovepuppet

he sounds like an emotional cripple.

my advice? you can't save people and you can't fix them.
if you decide to walk away then you'll at least keep your self respect.

after that it hurts, it sucks, then it gets better.

moni_tb_192

Sounds like he's very confused... how old is he? Had you broken up and gotten back together before?

I don't really know what to say because I don't know you, or how things were with your boyfriend... but I do can tell you this: He might seem like he's everything to you, that your world is falling apart and you won't be able to pick up the pieces... but he's not, it won't always be and you will. You're so young, don't make your life about him, make it about you! Take your time to do things you really like and have left behind, or discover some new; keep your mind busy. Things get better, even if you don't think they will.

Now... he might want you back sometime... will you let him? Make sure he's not playing with you, or dragging you into an unhealthy relationship in which you break up, get back together, break up and so on... It's so unhealthy and unstable. Nobody deserves to live like that.

I hope I could help, even if it was just a bit *hug*

Minerva624

Sounds a lot like me and my best guy "friend" but we aren't even dating.

nicolecassandra

he sounds like an emotional cripple.

my advice? you can't save people and you can't fix them.
if you decide to walk away then you'll at least keep your self respect.

after that it hurts, it sucks, then it gets better.

oh girl, thank you so much for this. I can relate. Yeah ^^this is right.

Microfiber

Your heart will heal - eventually (hugs) :flowerforyou:

sdfkjsadglkj11

We're both 21. This is the first time we've broken up. We took a break once because he wanted it, and then the very next day he rushed over to my house apologizing and saying he was stupid and that he couldn't stand to be away and that he loved me....that was all the way back in January. It just hurts so much. How could he want this? I know for a fact he doesn't want anybody else...he said that after me, he doesn't think he'll ever been in another relationship again... After all we've been through together? The memories? We never had big fights, and he was always so kind to me, always holding my hand, hugging me, laughing with me....just a week ago he was doing that, too. I just don't understand how he could want this. I've known him almost two years, he was the first friend I made, the first best friend I made, and my first love. And I'm his first love....how could he want it to end, yet not want it to end? He was hugging me and wouldn't let me go, and I told him it was making it worse, and he told me not to pull away, that hugging me felt nice....what???? And why was he trying to kiss me???

jennifer_417

We're both 21. This is the first time we've broken up. We took a break once because he wanted it, and then the very next day he rushed over to my house apologizing and saying he was stupid and that he couldn't stand to be away and that he loved me....that was all the way back in January. It just hurts so much. How could he want this? I know for a fact he doesn't want anybody else...he said that after me, he doesn't think he'll ever been in another relationship again... After all we've been through together? The memories? We never had big fights, and he was always so kind to me, always holding my hand, hugging me, laughing with me....just a week ago he was doing that, too. I just don't understand how he could want this. I've known him almost two years, he was the first friend I made, the first best friend I made, and my first love. And I'm his first love....how could he want it to end, yet not want it to end? He was hugging me and wouldn't let me go, and I told him it was making it worse, and he told me not to pull away, that hugging me felt nice....what???? And why was he trying to kiss me???

Because he wants to have his cake and eat it, too. He wants the perks of a relationship (hugging and kissing and whatever else feels good) without the commitment (taking you out to dinner, buying you things, not being able to do what he wants when he wants, etc.) He's basically only thinking about himself.

sdfkjsadglkj11

It's just so sad, I wasn't imagining how happy we were, how can he just switch from saying he loves me to this? He even mentioned that it's not fair to me, and that he thinks he wants to have his cake and eat it too. But I know he'd never intentionally hurt me or try to string me along... I don't get it. If he wants me, why would he let me go? To make matter worse, the next day, I went on FB like an idiot and two hours after I had gotten home from him breaking things off, he had sent me a message saying that I'm beautiful, always smile, that he loves me and cares for me so much as a friend, he's so hurt seeing me so hurt, that he should have told me sooner...Him sending me that hurt me so much more. For whatever reason, he still hasn't changed his status to single, or taken down any of our pictures or anything. I don't get it, and I just logged out of FB without changing anything or answering him, and I'm not going to go on that site until I can calm down. I know he wouldn't say he loved me unless he felt it, so he couldn't have been lying...he wouldn't do that to me. And I know he still loves me more than a friend, I just don't understand why he's doing this, then. I know it's not me who's at fault here, it's his issues, but I wanted to help him through whatever he was dealing with, I care about him so much...I keep getting this feeling that he's going to try and call me, or come over, apologizing and asking for me to come back...

glovepuppet

We're both 21. This is the first time we've broken up. We took a break once because he wanted it, and then the very next day he rushed over to my house apologizing and saying he was stupid and that he couldn't stand to be away and that he loved me....that was all the way back in January. It just hurts so much. How could he want this? I know for a fact he doesn't want anybody else...he said that after me, he doesn't think he'll ever been in another relationship again... After all we've been through together? The memories? We never had big fights, and he was always so kind to me, always holding my hand, hugging me, laughing with me....just a week ago he was doing that, too. I just don't understand how he could want this. I've known him almost two years, he was the first friend I made, the first best friend I made, and my first love. And I'm his first love....how could he want it to end, yet not want it to end? He was hugging me and wouldn't let me go, and I told him it was making it worse, and he told me not to pull away, that hugging me felt nice....what???? And why was he trying to kiss me???

loving him, waiting for him and giving him another chance will not change this. it's who he is. it will continue to mangle you emotionally until you decide, for your own good, to walk away.

he may be a better man in ten years. he may not.

mmddwechanged

I can't even imagine how hard that is to take or how badly you are feeling right now. What I do know, though, is that there are millions of amazing men out there, and more than a thousand of them are just perfect for you. That probably isn't what you want to hear right now but I hope that you do believe this when you have healed a little more. ((Hugs))

Showmm

Why did he kiss you and say all those things felt nice? Because they do feel nice. And he probably does love you and doesn't want to hurt you. But.....

Just because you love someone doesn't mean you are meant to spend the rest of your lives together. I have many ex-boyfriends I still love, but they are also still exes.

He may be trying to let you down gently, but that never works. It's either on or it's off. Being distant and seeing you less will just make you feel desperate and needy for him. If it's over, you can get on with your life. He made need a few days to sort out in his head whether he wants to be with you or not. Give him that time and space. After that time, then if it's over:

Take comfort in the fact that you had a fabulous first boyfriend and although the memories will make you sad now, eventually you will remember them happily. Take comfort in the fact that you are young and there is plenty of living to do still. By yourself and with someone else eventually too.

LaurenAOK

It sounds like he's just confused about what he wants. Give him some time. He's young, and you said you're his first real relationship... he probably loves you a lot, but there's also gotta be a part of him wondering what else is out there. He sees all his young guy friends dating around, etc. and a part of him probably wants that. But the other part of him wants to be with you. He may not even realize why he's feeling conflicted, he just knows something about the relationship doesn't feel right to him right now.

At least he was honest and straight up told you he feels like he's stringing you along... most guys wouldn't have the balls to do that. He sees how much you care about him, that he's the most important thing in your world, and that freaks him out a little! Because if he has other things in his world that he values just as much as your relationship, it makes him feel like you guys are on different levels...

I know it hurts so bad but try to just give him time. If you guys are meant to be together you will be together. If not, you WILL be okay. It will take time, but you will be. I know how you feel, my bf and I are having issues in our otherwise perfect relationship right now because I'm moving away and he doesn't know if he can come with me... the thought of losing him hurts me so much I've been physically sick over it for the past week. But I'm trying to keep my head up and you can too.

Whatever you do though, don't let him string you along, it's not fair to you. If he decides he doesn't think you guys should be together right now, don't let him call you up next week and say he's so sorry, he changed his mind etc, only to break up with you again and start the process all over... you deserve better than that. You have a say in this relationship just as much as he does. If he isn't solid on it, it might be best for you guys to spend some time apart.

healthyKYgirl

he sounds like an emotional cripple.

my advice? you can't save people and you can't fix them.
if you decide to walk away then you'll at least keep your self respect.

after that it hurts, it sucks, then it gets better.

oh girl, thank you so much for this. I can relate. Yeah ^^this is right.

^^ This is right. If someone is emotionally ambivalent about you and feels that you like them more and says it to you, please believe them. They aren't lying. It will create an imbalance of power in the relationship where you do more and more for them trying to get them to stay and show them how much you care or control them in some way, and they care less and less about you until they finally do leave. You deserve someone who likes you as much as you like them.

And to answer your question, he does care to a degree and doesn't want to hurt you and does feel guilty about hurting you, but you don't want someone with you out of guilt or only not wanting to hurt you, because eventually they will leave anyway, and it will hurt even worse three years later with more memories. They care about you but not enough not to say they want to leave. And so they will leave eventually. Good luck.

glovepuppet

he sounds like an emotional cripple.

my advice? you can't save people and you can't fix them.
if you decide to walk away then you'll at least keep your self respect.

after that it hurts, it sucks, then it gets better.

oh girl, thank you so much for this. I can relate. Yeah ^^this is right.

it's the advice nobody wants to take.
we're taught that love is enough, that if you don't lose faith it'll all be right.
utter rot.

FiestyIrish

I went through something like this with my husband when we were young and dating. Between 18 and 20, we broke up a couple times just because we were still so young! At that age people are trying to figure out who they are and what they want out of life. He may be in that situation now. Just give him some space and some time. If you guys are truly meant to be together, it will work out. I know it sounds hard and cliche, but it's the truth. Keep your head up and stay strong. :flowerforyou:

sdfkjsadglkj11

It sounds like he's just confused about what he wants. Give him some time. He's young, and you said you're his first real relationship... he probably loves you a lot, but there's also gotta be a part of him wondering what else is out there. He sees all his young guy friends dating around, etc. and a part of him probably wants that. But the other part of him wants to be with you. He may not even realize why he's feeling conflicted, he just knows something about the relationship doesn't feel right to him right now.

At least he was honest and straight up told you he feels like he's stringing you along... most guys wouldn't have the balls to do that. He sees how much you care about him, that he's the most important thing in your world, and that freaks him out a little! Because if he has other things in his world that he values just as much as your relationship, it makes him feel like you guys are on different levels...

I know it hurts so bad but try to just give him time. If you guys are meant to be together you will be together. If not, you WILL be okay. It will take time, but you will be. I know how you feel, my bf and I are having issues in our otherwise perfect relationship right now because I'm moving away and he doesn't know if he can come with me... the thought of losing him hurts me so much I've been physically sick over it for the past week. But I'm trying to keep my head up and you can too.

Whatever you do though, don't let him string you along, it's not fair to you. If he decides he doesn't think you guys should be together right now, don't let him call you up next week and say he's so sorry, he changed his mind etc, only to break up with you again and start the process all over... you deserve better than that. You have a say in this relationship just as much as he does. If he isn't solid on it, it might be best for you guys to spend some time apart.

You just described it to a T....I'll give him a few days, and if I don't hear anything, then I'll know it's what he wants. I haven't talked or tried to contact him at all. But if he does want me back, I'd have to think about it, and he'd have to work a long time for my trust back. This really did help me, reading this. I think he feels like I love him so much, and that maybe what he's feeling for me doesn't compare, even though he shows me all the time that he loves me...You described what's going through his head and what he was trying to tell me. I won't let him jerk me around, no way. I hope your boyfriend can go with you, you both deserve happiness and it'll somehow work out.

Kaylee_law_123

We're both 21. This is the first time we've broken up. We took a break once because he wanted it, and then the very next day he rushed over to my house apologizing and saying he was stupid and that he couldn't stand to be away and that he loved me....that was all the way back in January. It just hurts so much. How could he want this? I know for a fact he doesn't want anybody else...he said that after me, he doesn't think he'll ever been in another relationship again... After all we've been through together? The memories? We never had big fights, and he was always so kind to me, always holding my hand, hugging me, laughing with me....just a week ago he was doing that, too. I just don't understand how he could want this. I've known him almost two years, he was the first friend I made, the first best friend I made, and my first love. And I'm his first love....how could he want it to end, yet not want it to end? He was hugging me and wouldn't let me go, and I told him it was making it worse, and he told me not to pull away, that hugging me felt nice....what???? And why was he trying to kiss me???

Because he wants to have his cake and eat it, too. He wants the perks of a relationship (hugging and kissing and whatever else feels good) without the commitment (taking you out to dinner, buying you things, not being able to do what he wants when he wants, etc.) He's basically only thinking about himself.

^^^^^ YEP!!!!

Had a similar thing, except he cheated and then wanted to be able to put us on hold to figure out whether the grass was greener on the other side.

It took a lot of strength for me to tell him that he'd already made enough steps over to the other side for me to never welcome him back with open arms. Best decision of my life. He realised eventually that it the worst decision he ever made (after she then cheated on him - karma, gotta love it!).

You can't make someone love you, but you can love yourself enough to stand up tall and walk away because you deserve better. It's hard, and you will cry a lot, but least you will see that things will get better eventually, because I don't think they will with him.

Sorry x

pteryndactyl

You deserve someone who knows they want you. My ex and I yo-yo'ed back and forth for a while before we actually started dating because he wasn't sure what he wanted. It was emotional hell. But he was my first love and I thought it was ~meant to be~ and special. No. It was great while it lasted, but I've grown up and can have a real relationship now. Now-a-days I don't have the patience for a half-hearted relationship. If my boyfriend started doubting our relationship I'd be like, "OK, see ya!" -- I want a stable relationship. Someone I can count on to not leave when things aren't perfect. Someone who doesn't feel obligated to be with me but WANTS to be with me...even when life is sh**.

I know you love him dearly and can't imagine life without him, but one day you'll realize that you deserve someone who knows they want you - without a doubt, wants to spend their life with you, wants you. Anything less than that's a waste of time!

Give him space. Ignore his advances. Tell him he has to be all in, or all out. And stick with your decision. You will love again -- believe that much, at least. It's going to suck for a while but it'll be OK eventually...actually, it'll be better than you can fathom right now. Believe it or not -- it's true.

slkehl

my advice? you can't save people and you can't fix them.
if you decide to walk away then you'll at least keep your self respect.

after that it hurts, it sucks, then it gets better.

SO TRUE!!!

I had a very similar situation. My boyfriend and I got really close one night, in a hotel just cuddling like you, and he said he wanted to marry me and all that ****. And afterwards he was really distant and after a month of trying to figure out what happened, he finally said it was getting "too hard" to be in a committed relationship (taking me out, calling, ect.)

And you know what? I deleted his number, donated everything he gave me, and as much as I wanted to beg him to stay with me, I knew I wouldn't respect myself if I did. It totally sucked and I cried for months, but he didn't get to see any of it. And now I am free! It takes a LONG time to get over someone you love, but it's not going to happen anytime soon if you're in this middle ground.

And as far as the mixed signals? Sounds like he wants physical intimacy and emotional closeness without the commitment. You deserve better.

cheyennekl

I am giving you the advice I wish I had given myself when my boyfriend told me he didn't know what he wanted...WALK AWAY!!

I didn't, and we broke up eventually anyway .... after I had sacrificed my dignity and self respect in the hopes that he would realise that he still loved me and we were meant to be.

It took me a very very long time to move on from the bitterness and anger that this sort of situation creates, and I don't wish it on anyone. I hated myself for being so pathetic, and I loathed him for being the cause, and for seeing me at my weakest.

Don't put your life on hold for him. You deserve someone that KNOWS how they feel about you, and is sure that they want you in their life. Right now, he is not that person!

sdfkjsadglkj11

You deserve someone who knows they want you. My ex and I yo-yo'ed back and forth for a while before we actually started dating because he wasn't sure what he wanted. It was emotional hell. But he was my first love and I thought it was ~meant to be~ and special. No. It was great while it lasted, but I've grown up and can have a real relationship now. Now-a-days I don't have the patience for a half-hearted relationship. If my boyfriend started doubting our relationship I'd be like, "OK, see ya!" -- I want a stable relationship. Someone I can count on to not leave when things aren't perfect. Someone who doesn't feel obligated to be with me but WANTS to be with me...even when life is sh**.

I know you love him dearly and can't imagine life without him, but one day you'll realize that you deserve someone who knows they want you - without a doubt, wants to spend their life with you, wants you. Anything less than that's a waste of time!

Give him space. Ignore his advances. Tell him he has to be all in, or all out. And stick with your decision. You will love again -- believe that much, at least. It's going to suck for a while but it'll be OK eventually...actually, it'll be better than you can fathom right now. Believe it or not -- it's true.

But I don't know why he said he felt obligated, because then I asked him about buying me the dresses he bought me, or the hello kitty doll, and he said he wanted me to be happy. That's not obligation at all. That's pure feeling. I'm going to do just that. If he doesn't ask for me to come back and apologize and realize he screwed up, then fine. I'll have my answer, and I'll move on. If he does, then he'll have to earn my trust back and bust his *kitten* for a long time. Thank you.

maisid

We're both 21. This is the first time we've broken up. We took a break once because he wanted it, and then the very next day he rushed over to my house apologizing and saying he was stupid and that he couldn't stand to be away and that he loved me....that was all the way back in January. It just hurts so much. How could he want this? I know for a fact he doesn't want anybody else...he said that after me, he doesn't think he'll ever been in another relationship again... After all we've been through together? The memories? We never had big fights, and he was always so kind to me, always holding my hand, hugging me, laughing with me....just a week ago he was doing that, too. I just don't understand how he could want this. I've known him almost two years, he was the first friend I made, the first best friend I made, and my first love. And I'm his first love....how could he want it to end, yet not want it to end? He was hugging me and wouldn't let me go, and I told him it was making it worse, and he told me not to pull away, that hugging me felt nice....what???? And why was he trying to kiss me???

Because he wants to have his cake and eat it, too. He wants the perks of a relationship (hugging and kissing and whatever else feels good) without the commitment (taking you out to dinner, buying you things, not being able to do what he wants when he wants, etc.) He's basically only thinking about himself.

This^^

I seriously think he is playing you! I don't doubt he has some kind of feelings for you, but he is not being sincere about the relationship! If he wanted to be with you (and let's assume he is not a total dysfunctional emotional cripple) he would do everything in his power to be with you and make you happy. But he is pushing you away and at the same time trying to keep you close (hence the message on facebook, is not changed status, the pictures). I believe he is doing so to have the good deal of the relationship ( you all know what those are) but the hard part of the relationship he is backing off of.

From past experiences I know men will continue behaving like that if you give them the chance to do so. Let him know how you want the relationship to be, with the troubles and with the hard times, and if he is not willing to commit then go find somebody better. If he is not treating you right then somebody else will!!!

glovepuppet

But I don't know why he said he felt obligated.

because he was buying off his conscience.

pteryndactyl

But how many times is he going to have to "break up" with you before you both realize something just isn't right? I'm not trying to be mean, but if this is forming a pattern then you really need to look at what's causing the issue and try to fix that. I'm guessing if he was having these thoughts in January, you found a temporary fix and renewed that puppy love/infatuation of the beginning of the relationship...and it's just now wearing off again. What happens when he feels like this again 3 months from now?

If he wants the freedom to do what he wants to do (ignoring any supposed obligations here), is he really going to WANT to bust his butt trying to earn your trust back? Maybe for a few weeks, when the memory of losing you is fresh, but then -- in most cases -- they fall back into old habits.

Meh, I'm being a downer. Good luck -- I hope it works out. Just realize if it doesn't, you'll still be OK. Hearts are surprisingly resilient.

ShellyAnn1965

Slow down, slow down, slow down! Time to STOP letting him call the shots when it comes to your heart, emotions and esteem! Why is he stringing you along? Because he doesn't know what he wants. He thinks the grass in greener on the other side! He wants a nice girl in the wings, after he goes and samples some of the things that are offered out there in bachelor land.

I sound like I don't like men, but I do! It's just they take a WHILE to catch up sometimes with maturity, and waiting around for them to catch up is dangerous to YOU. Don't allow him to string you along, he probably is NOT a bad person, just not making a decision based on what is healthy for YOU. Let him go, if it's meant to be, you will find each other again when you BOTH are ready and focused on EACH OTHER, not with one eye looking around for what's available elsewhere!

Stopping your life to feel badly about what is not happening with this young man is keeping you from blooming into YOU and you won't see the "Mr. Right" who might be right around the corner!

Feel your feelings. Cry for a while. Give yourself a reasonable time table to wallow. Then dust yourself off, hold your head up and go spend times with friends that have YOUR BEST INTEREST AT HEART. Have fun! Don't dwell! :flowerforyou:

Underworld_Dandy

Cynical but realistic head on....

Been together a year.
Not had sex.
Got hotel room.
Just cuddled.
Distant in the morning.
Left on road trip without you.
Needed to talk on return.
Cried and said he's stringing you along.

He's not an emotional cripple, he's just got fed up with waiting and shagged someone else and now has remorse.

Harsh but he's a man end of.

jenilla1

...What's so confusing is that he says that he feels like he's stringing me along, but he still wants to be with me, and he kept trying to hug me and cuddle with me and kiss me. I'm so confused, he acted like he had to break up with me even though he didn't want to...

He's stringing you along. When you really want someone you know it and you don't do what he's doing. He's just one of those "nice" guys who doesn't want to be the bad guy. He cares about you, and doesn't want to hurt you, but he feels stuck because you're not the one. Do both of you a favor and break it off FOR him. It's gonna hurt at first but in time you'll be glad and when the right one comes along, you will BOTH know it. You deserve better.

ruleof9

Get over him, move on....DO NOT look back...thats my guys take on all this!

mockchoc

I feel he is gay. He loves you but he's confused.