My heart is broken...
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Now, there could be a day like that where I've worked hard for a week or two to create the right situation (getting the kids to bed early, washing the dishes maybe, folding the clothes, mowing the grass, telling her she looks nice and meaning it, fixing the washing machine, having long convesations about yoga and kale chips, bringing home dinner, building a temple to her beauty and virtue, buying her a new car, etc.).
hahaha! i always know when my husband is asking me questions about my yoga practice or if i want him to make me a green drink or add chia seeds to my salad that he's looking to get some!0 -
I was torturing myself. I wanted to have sex with him too, something just stopped me. He never pressured me, and yes, he always wanted to go further, but he stopped whenever I said to. That being said, we've done everything BUT the actual act, so it's not like it was completely innocent. Gah, I love him so much.
Always..and I mean ALWAYS...listen to your gut. Most of the time, it's right on. It sounds like you trusted your instincts and now you don't have to regret losing your virginity to someone who doesn't deserve it. That's awesome.
Breakups are the worst, especially when you are blindsided. It's hard to rationalize how someone can love you one day and leave you the next. It's not logical, its hurts immensely and it makes it harder to trust people. Sadly, it happens all the time.
If your internal warnings were going off with this guy, it's better this way in the end. It hurts now, but you'll bounce back and find someone better. You're young, pretty and you have a good head on your shoulders. His loss, your gain. :flowerforyou:0 -
Whatever you do though, don't let him string you along, it's not fair to you. If he decides he doesn't think you guys should be together right now, don't let him call you up next week and say he's so sorry, he changed his mind etc, only to break up with you again and start the process all over... you deserve better than that. You have a say in this relationship just as much as he does. If he isn't solid on it, it might be best for you guys to spend some time apart.
Exactly what she said above. Don't let him think he can come back whenever he wants and all is ok, because he might keep doing it. Emotional roller coasters are NO fun. He needs to figure out what he wants and then act on it. Otherwise, he will only end up hurting you further. It is hard, but you will get through it. In time you may realize that the qualities he did have aren't even what you really want.0 -
First, I'm so very sorry, someone you love leaving you is just a horrible horrible soul crushing thing. I want to point out some things in your posts...Cynical but realistic head on....
Been together a year.
Not had sex.
Got hotel room.
Just cuddled.
Distant in the morning.
Left on road trip without you.
Needed to talk on return.
Cried and said he's stringing you along.
He's not an emotional cripple, he's just got fed up with waiting and shagged someone else and now has remorse.
Harsh but he's a man end of.
But also, note all the things he ACTUALLY said to you:he says that he feels like he's stringing me along
He even mentioned that it's not fair to me, and that he thinks he wants to have his cake and eat it too.
he had sent me a message saying that I'm beautiful, always smile, that he loves me and cares for me so much as a friend, he's so hurt seeing me so hurt, that he should have told me sooner
Guys are pretty straightforward. He is telling you WHY. When he is with you, he likes how he feels, and he does care for you. These are his emotions and frankly a lot of hormones driving his actions. When he is away from you, i.e. the road trip he thinks more with his head and realizes that although he cares for you, he really wants something/someone else. There may not be a specific other person, but he knows he doesn't see a long term future with you. But when he is around you he falls into the trap of showing affection, and living the fantasy with you. He didn't want to hurt you, and probably tried to convince himself how perfect you were for him. But it's just not there. I'm so sorry. Given the circumstance he would have sex with you, he will tell you he loves you, and then he will feel guilty after for having misled you. He doesn't intend it, but it's the part of him that wants you and fools him into the fantasy that it will be ok to go ahead and do it. If you don't control how this plays out, you will be hurt worse than you are now.
Sorry. this is how I see it.0 -
He's 21 and a guy. 'nuff said.
At 21 he wants to party, have fun, play around and well, spread his seed.
Guys at this age do not have the mental maturity to settle down and be with one person. They just aren't wired that way. Ok, SOME are, but the majority aren't. You can't change that in him.
I am sorry you are hurting so badly. I have been there. Take this time to heal and move on. He's not the one. I can promise you that!
LISTEN TO THIS! Madam, is correct. Men under a certain age are not emotionally stable enough to have a serious relationship. I know, I was one of them. I think that men are not ready to settle down before their 30's. Especially these days... It sucks but it the truth. Very few exceptions. Its not that they are bad guys but most are just not 'ready'. More and more, same can be said for women.
And on another note, virgins at 21?!?!??!? Good for you but I didnt know that such a thing existed in this day and age.
Geesh, I write this and god did my GF saved my life...0 -
ok I am a bit older than 21. I have a daughter your age and I will tell you what I have told her
1) taking a break and breaking up are basically the same thing
2) on and off again relations don't typically work long term,
maybe he is gay and trying to convince himself otherwise, Maybe he is emotionally immature. The list could go on and on. I know it hurts. Nothing but time will make this easier. do both o you a favor stay broken up. Move past this.
Hugs from a mom0 -
And always remember that no mater what, you'll be fine.0
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dump the idiot and go on a patron binge, works for me every time...0
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hahaha! i always know when my husband is asking me questions about my yoga practice or if i want him to make me a green drink or add chia seeds to my salad that he's looking to get some!
Man, if I had known this wasn't common knowledge to you ladies, I would've written this weeks ago. <sigh> If I've helped just one of my brothers out there, it was all worth it!
Wait a minute, I misread your post...you were well aware all along. Yeah, I thought it was pretty obvious when we bring up yoga, where we're trying to steer the conversation.
In a related note, I have somehow agreed to go to one (ONE) yoga class when I hit my goal weight of 220. I might be at 221 for a while...0 -
I am also 21 years old. So I feel like I can relate with you a lot on this issue, based on our ages alone. My boyfriend is also 21 years old. And we've almost been together for a year. A few months back, we broke up for a months time. This was because he felt he was missing out on things by being in a committed and long term relationship. He's young. He wasn't at the level I was at in terms of what I wanted. And so I left. And in time, he came crawling back. And now we are stronger than ever. He needed that month to figure out what he really wanted. Get a bit of stuff out of his system and truly buckle down and think what is most important to him. And in the end, it was me. It always was me. He just needed his last "hoo-rah" as a 21 year old guy with freedom.
Give him time and give him his space. You are very young and have a lot of time to figure things out. I have been in two other serious relationships so I don't necessarily need to see what else or who else is out there. But maybe you two do. What I can say is don't settle for less than what you know you're worth. At the end of the day, your happiness should absolutely be the most important thing to you. And I feel like you either need to give him time to figure things out or just move on and do your own thing and do things that make you happy. Be young while you can, because we won't be forever.0 -
Great advice
Why did he kiss you and say all those things felt nice? Because they do feel nice. And he probably does love you and doesn't want to hurt you. But.....
Just because you love someone doesn't mean you are meant to spend the rest of your lives together. I have many ex-boyfriends I still love, but they are also still exes.
He may be trying to let you down gently, but that never works. It's either on or it's off. Being distant and seeing you less will just make you feel desperate and needy for him. If it's over, you can get on with your life. He made need a few days to sort out in his head whether he wants to be with you or not. Give him that time and space. After that time, then if it's over:
Take comfort in the fact that you had a fabulous first boyfriend and although the memories will make you sad now, eventually you will remember them happily. Take comfort in the fact that you are young and there is plenty of living to do still. By yourself and with someone else eventually too.0 -
It seems he is confused about what he really wants, and most likely doesn't want to hurt your feelings. It isn't easy to do but it would be best for both of you to back away and give him some space to figure out what is best for him, and you should do the same thing. You deserve to be happy.0
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Also, I can't speak on behalf of other posters in this thread, but in my experience and in the experiences of people I know, None of them are with their first loves. Don't settle.0
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Is there any chance he's a latent homosexual?0
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Is there any chance he's a latent homosexual?
was the giveaway the night in the hotel room with no sexual move/attempt made...???0 -
just be patient right one will come your way0
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Why did he kiss you and say all those things felt nice? Because they do feel nice. And he probably does love you and doesn't want to hurt you. But.....
Just because you love someone doesn't mean you are meant to spend the rest of your lives together. I have many ex-boyfriends I still love, but they are also still exes.
He may be trying to let you down gently, but that never works. It's either on or it's off. Being distant and seeing you less will just make you feel desperate and needy for him. If it's over, you can get on with your life. He made need a few days to sort out in his head whether he wants to be with you or not. Give him that time and space. After that time, then if it's over:
Take comfort in the fact that you had a fabulous first boyfriend and although the memories will make you sad now, eventually you will remember them happily. Take comfort in the fact that you are young and there is plenty of living to do still. By yourself and with someone else eventually too.
I agree. 0 -
all I will say in addition is that you are young, welcome to the real world where disappoint rains and fairy tales never turn out like the some movie or lifetime special ....sad but true...
be prepared to be disappointed...regularly0 -
Is there any chance he's a latent homosexual?
I wondered this too, and not at all in a mean way. Maybe there is some underlying issue that he is dealing with that is causing him to pull away. It sounds to me like he really does love and care about you, and is just trying to keep you from being hurt for some reason. I would take some time for both of you to breathe and calm down then, try to talk to him and get some answers.0 -
Is there any chance he's a latent homosexual?
was the giveaway the night in the hotel room with no sexual move/attempt made...???
Read some more posts from OP above - sounds like there were many and varied attempts made in the hotel -
(this is a fairly ridiculous sounding comment (from me)! Think maybe my time in this thread is done..lol)0 -
I was there with my ex boyfriend... It sucks but I gave him space for about a week and now he wanting try and he is wanting work on things. But I cried like you I couldnt move or functio I hurt so much. But you WILL get through this I promise and maybe he will get his head on and come back for you. I know this is hard to hear I didnt like it either I was petrified he wouldnt call or come over that week was the worse not knowing. I am hear if you want to talk.0
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^^ This.And you know what? I deleted his number, donated everything he gave me, and as much as I wanted to beg him to stay with me, I knew I wouldn't respect myself if I did. It totally sucked and I cried for months, but he didn't get to see any of it. And now I am free! It takes a LONG time to get over someone you love, but it's not going to happen anytime soon if you're in this middle ground.
And as far as the mixed signals? Sounds like he wants physical intimacy and emotional closeness without the commitment. You deserve better.
^^ And these right here, are the reasons that it is so damned hard.We're both 21.
This is the first time we've broken up.
my first love.
And I'm his first love
I'm not saying that being in love or breaking up gets any easier when you're older, but you do have a lot more life experience behind you to help get you through.0 -
He does not want to be with you. He wants his freedom. And he may already be seeing someone else. He has told you that he is done with you and this is the truth. When a guy tells you the truth, you should listen and not try to rationalize any of it. Take it for what it truly is. It does not really matter what else he tells you. Let him go. Why waste your precious time trying to get someone back who does not want that? Let him go and move on. There are plenty of fish in the sea, bigger and better. You are young and you will meet so many guys. You have your whole life ahead of you and you are such a pretty girl. You are going to be just fine! I have been in your place (more than once) and it really hurts, but the bottom line is that you need to move on and have a great life without this guy. I am so serious. You probably won't listen to me. I never listened to anyone. Sigh. Good luck!0
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he's everything to me
Whatever happens to this relationship or any you may have in the future, don't do this again. Please don't read this as snarky or sarcastic, because I'm being completely serious. When you make someone else your everything, when they leave, you're left with nothing, barely equipped to get through the breakup like a normal person.
You're both young and he sounds like he's about to drag you through the ringer while he sorts himself out. I hope that you learn from what you have and are about to experience. It is draining. I would offer you advice to not do this with him, but I know you will do it anyway. So I stress that in the meantime, please focus on building yourself up. You are every bit as special as he is.
The best way to handle this situation is to not call at all, and don't answer his calls if he does call you. He needs to know what life is like without you.0 -
Also, I can't speak on behalf of other posters in this thread, but in my experience and in the experiences of people I know, None of them are with their first loves. Don't settle.
I married my first love. 30 years later.
There was a lot of in between in between all of that.0 -
youre not a victim. he's just an idiot.
move on.0 -
You're young and pretty and haven't gotten knocked up by him so there are no ties. Dump his *kitten*, play the field, have fun with your girl friends and by yourself and find someone who'll treat you the way you want to be treated. Life is too short to put up with some bozo's issues.
What he said...0 -
Eh. Why be with someone who doesn't want you?
A lot of women try to hold onto men who don't want them. That's a recipe for insecurity.0 -
I tell you what my dad tells me, if he is not completely crazy about you then say goodbye! He is not worth your time! Lifes too short to be with someone who does not totally care! Bye the looks of you, there will be others who are.0
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YEP, AGREED!!0
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