My heart is broken...

valey1234

You dont say how old you or your boy friend are I really think you both need some time alone to figure out what kind of relationship you have their is more to life than being totaly dependant on someone else for your happiness and self esteem .Take care of yourself first what do you want to do with your life? If he cares for you maybe he just needs some time to figure it all out. this is a weight loss and fitness program so just focus on you for awhile and you have friends here. good luck valey1234

sdfkjsadglkj11

I feel he is gay. He loves you but he's confused.

If every girl were to listen to you, there'd be no hope.

I was considered 'gay' by my girlfriend's friends and ensured that I was gay, well, you couldn't be more wrong.. It'd just be your loss.

Exactly, he's not gay. At all.

sdfkjsadglkj11

He's too young to be really serious in a relationship, and you're freaking him out! You're obviously very in love with him, and he's not sure he feels so committed. He loves you, but he feels like you love him a lot more than he does you, so he feels bad, cause he ants to be with you, but he's not ready for that kind of commitment.

Take a break for a month, and don't see him or talk to him (no facebook) until the whole month is up (explain this beforehand so he knows you're not punishing him, just giving him some time to discover what he really wants). He'll know then if he really wants you, or if he wants his freedom to be a 21-year-old.

I guess I am scaring him. I never thought I was, since he is the one who brought up living together someday. I'm going to do just that. Thank you.

glovepuppet

He'd never cheat on me.

i don't think this is about him cheating.
BUT...
you've been with him just a year, you are utterly confused about his thoughts and motivations, yet you think you know for absolute certain that he would never cheat? there are people who have been happily married 20 years who are surprised to find out their partner cheated. you do NOT know he would never cheat.

you also assume everything he says about how he feels, about sex and about the relationship, is true.

you seem really sweet but you're a bit naive.

Lyby

Cynical but realistic head on....

Been together a year.
Not had sex.
Got hotel room.
Just cuddled.
Distant in the morning.
Left on road trip without you.
Needed to talk on return.
Cried and said he's stringing you along.

He's not an emotional cripple, he's just got fed up with waiting and shagged someone else and now has remorse.

Harsh but he's a man end of.

Close, He's gay.

The road trip with the guys without telling you was the dead give away to me ---- he needs to come out of the closet.

Go watch "Will & Grace" episodes --- they handled the whole "in a relationship, out of the closet, transition to best friends" very well. This is such a common experience that they've based two different sitcoms no the premise.

Crying over a man (or a woman) has a beginning, a middle, and an end. You are in the middle but don't know how close you are to the end. This Too Shall Pass!

Be grateful that this came to a head at this point and not 3 years down the line when you are unintentionally pregnant and tethered to an emotionally unavailable man.

Time to get on Youtube and dance around the house with "I Will Survive" cranked to full volume. I have also relied on Garth Brooke's "She's Gonna Make it, He Never Will". You're too young to know Helen Reddy's "I Am Woman" but it works too!
I can't quite pull off Beyoncé lol

TorrizzleWillSizzle

he sounds like an emotional cripple.

my advice? you can't save people and you can't fix them.
if you decide to walk away then you'll at least keep your self respect.

after that it hurts, it sucks, then it gets better.

^^ this!! "it hurts, it sucks, then it gets better"

red8424

I know you are hurting but you must live your life- you will never get these days, minutes, years back. You are young and beautiful and there is so much life out there left to see. Waiting for someone to change or feel differently will only lead to disappointment and missed opportunities. Gather up your girlfriends, take a trip, go out, whatever. A relationship is non-existent unless it is mutual and you will NEVER change someone- ever. You must trust the fact that there is someone out there who will not break your heart and who will love you with the selfless attention you deserve. Wipe your tears and count your blessings.

kateauch

Everyone's two cents is adding up to a couple dollars here so I figured I'd throw my change in the till-

I went through something similar relationship saga a couple years ago and right after that, my parents ended a 25 year marriage. Not saying that this relationship has that kind of gravity but there were definitely a few things I learned in both of those processes-

1. If it's not right from day 1, it's not going to happen on day X. I'm not saying that you won't be challenged from time to time in your relationship but a healthy long term relationship doesn't have these kinds of breaks or peaks/valleys.

2. That guy you think stole your heart? He just borrowed it for a while. Your heart is a big infinite thing. Love is never lost. What you put out in the world comes back to you.

3. There is someone out there PERFECT for you. You just have to find them. I'm 23 and where I was at when I was 21 is so completely different from where I was at then or even where I THOUGHT I would be. Meet new people, try new things.

4. On the age note, even the most secure and worldly 21 year old out there doesn't know who they are or what they want from life yet. There's nothing wrong with this. Just find yourself first before you start adding other people to the picture. Or at least find someone you can grow with. Life is a journey. Make sure your travelling buddy wants to wind up at the same destination you do.

My sincerest condolences to you. It's never fun to be on either end of a break up. I'm sorry you have to go through it. But like everyone is saying, it will get better. Live, love and learn.

Love and blessings sent your way.

winchestervol63

Cynical but realistic head on....

Been together a year.
Not had sex.
Got hotel room.
Just cuddled.
Distant in the morning.
Left on road trip without you.
Needed to talk on return.
Cried and said he's stringing you along.

He's not an emotional cripple, he's just got fed up with waiting and shagged someone else and now has remorse.

Harsh but he's a man end of.

I have to say as a female, this didn't occur to me at all. Just goes to show how differently men and women think about things doesn't it.

He just sounds like a guy who wants to either be with someone else or wants to be single. He obviously cares for you but doesn't want to be in a relationship with you anymore for whatever reason. Sucky I know, but you can't fight it. It achieves nothing at all believe me. You are young, you'll move on and he'll just be a memory in time.

I think the first story is likely correct (don't know about the shagging someone else part, but he definitely wants to shag SOMEONE.) The big clue is the getting the hotel room, only cuddling, and then him being distant in the morning. She may have never imagined any sex, but I'll assure you that a 21 y/o guy who gets a hotel room with his 21 y/o girl has not categorically ruled such a thing out (to say the least).

He probably feels like he's close to a saint for waiting so long and then was supremely disapointed when it didn't happen. Makes him imagine he just can't wait another year or two or ten. Loves the girl, but just can't face an indefinitely longer wait.

I'll bet dollars to donuts the problem is their differing views of when is the right time for some sex. Personally, I won't throw rocks at either one of them - may just be that this sticking point is too much for them to overcome.

glovepuppet

The big clue is the getting the hotel room, only cuddling, and then him being distant in the morning.

getting a room is a pretty big clue that he's hoping something will happen.

i wouldn't suggest she loses her virginity to him though. he's not being straight with her and he can't be relied upon.

gonnamakeanewaccount

Cynical but realistic head on....

Been together a year.
Not had sex.
Got hotel room.
Just cuddled.
Distant in the morning.
Left on road trip without you.
Needed to talk on return.
Cried and said he's stringing you along.

He's not an emotional cripple, he's just got fed up with waiting and shagged someone else and now has remorse.

Harsh but he's a man end of.

This makes complete sense. Couldn't have said it better myself.

Briko3

Don't beg. Have some self respect and no matter what you feel like doing, don't say it to him. Guys say crap like that when they want to guiltlessly look for someone else while still leading you along enough in case they don't find someone new.

My advice is to make a pact with yourself to not talk to him for a set period of time. If it were me, that would be 1 week minimum, but I would strive for at least 2. Then try to put it out of your mind for that week or two. Tough to do, but believe me, you'll be glad you did.

gonnamakeanewaccount

It seems as if you two have different views. I'm sure he expected sex at that hotel room, just like any average twenty-one year old would.

Starfish1125

He's 21 and a guy. 'nuff said.

At 21 he wants to party, have fun, play around and well, spread his seed.

Guys at this age do not have the mental maturity to settle down and be with one person. They just aren't wired that way. Ok, SOME are, but the majority aren't. You can't change that in him.

I am sorry you are hurting so badly. I have been there. Take this time to heal and move on. He's not the one. I can promise you that!

Starfish1125

You're young and pretty and haven't gotten knocked up by him so there are no ties. Dump his *kitten*, play the field, have fun with your girl friends and by yourself and find someone who'll treat you the way you want to be treated. Life is too short to put up with with some bozo's issues.

^^^^^ This x 1,000!!!

Jackson4590

I'll disagree with some posters on here saying he won't change, or your situation won't change.

My wife and I broke up twice in college (first time sounded very similar to you) and now we're nearing our 5th wedding anniversary. People change, hearts change, plans change. I'm not saying you'll get back together but don't say "never welcome him back". No one knows what will happen tonight, let alone next month.

bergpa

While it may have been unintentional, by going to a hotel room together you gave him good reason to hope you would have sex with him. He may have said he was ok with not, but really what else could he say at that point without seeming like a jerk?

semarsh12

I know you love him a lot right now but you two are not in the same place. He probably is a little freaked out and by doing/saying things NOT to hurt he is hurting you more. Girl I have been in the same place you are, BELIEVE ME, and I thought my world was coming to an end. It didn't, and I moved on. I had a guy that sounds a lot like yours, did/said the same stuff. I finally realized that he was a selfish butt head and I didn't need to take his crap anymore. Guess what, he started sniffing around again, acting like he cared and he wanted me, blah, blah. It took a lot of strength not to give in and it was hard but after he finally got it through his thick skull that I'm over him, he left me alone and moved on. To a guy. Yup, he's totally gay. It happens, especially when you're young and confused. I got over it, found a wonderful, amazing man and am very happily married. It will get better. I know you are confused right now and want him more than anything, but it's time to explore your other options.

UrbanLotus

I'm sorry sweetie . He sounds really young...listen to what he said - cut him off and move on with your life. I know that will be hard but it will get easier in time.

babynun

There's some great advice here!

Being a couple is never easy that's why you have to work at it to make the relationship last. I've been with my husband since we were both 17 yo and still going strong 16 years later. There will be plenty of ups and downs. He has to truly want the relationship to work and quit giving you mixed responses and gestures. I think he loves you...but, it may be moving too fast and too serious for him. Some guys or girls just aren't ready for that level of commitment and maybe that's his problem.

You just have to break it off and see where it goes for the both of you. I know it hurts and here’s the cliché quote:

“If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were.”

sunnyhlw77

You're young. If he wants some freedom then let him have his freedom. I'm not saying play hard to get but make your own life and make your own plans. Don't always be available for him. Also don't be one of those women who waits for him by the phone. Maybe he'll see what he's missing if you make new friends and hang out with different people. Who knows, maybe you'll meet the person you were really destined to be with. Keep your options open. No one wants to be used or bought or discarded like yesterday's trash. Use this opportunity to find yourself as an individual. Have fun. You're only going to be 21 once. Good luck with whatever you decide.

LjD1067

To justify his reactions! Walk away if its meant to be it will happen. Don't stop living because of any guy or gal! Trust me life is to short to let your world revolve around 1 person. Live girl! Its your only chance to do it! You don't get any do overs!

tennileb

Why wait for him to figure out what he wants. What do you want?

if you want a boy who will play mind games, tell you it's over but I love you and want to hug and kiss you, a boy who will break your heart and maybe come running back maybe not ...then hell yeah wait for him

or if you want MAN who will be open and honest and not turn on a dime and do the on again off again, a man who will really be there for you.... then, you need to take care of you, let your broken heart heal. get your health and life where you want it and then you will be ready for love. and if he magically reappears and has grown up then you can reconsider him at that time but remember he has chosen to loose you. you deserve happiness and you deserve some one who will stick it out when things are not perfect.

winchestervol63

i wouldn't suggest she loses her virginity to him though. he's not being straight with her and he can't be relied upon.

I understand that point of view entirely, but I wouldn't be so hard on him without knowing a lot more. Especially considering their age, I don't think this is a very uncommon situation.

At the risk of getting figuratively stoned in here, I'll say this - I'm more than twice their age and my wife and I have been married 13 years, together for a lot more - yet we still have little mini-verisons of this situation from time to time. There's just a big difference in sex drives between men and women (Typically, that is. Your results may vary!).

So, if we haven't had any in three weeks, let alone a year, the situation is becomes fraught with danger! In that situation, on any given day I might been imagining er, um, changing our status in this regard all day. Now, there could be a day like that where I've worked hard for a week or two to create the right situation (getting the kids to bed early, washing the dishes maybe, folding the clothes, mowing the grass, telling her she looks nice and meaning it, fixing the washing machine, having long convesations about yoga and kale chips, bringing home dinner, building a temple to her beauty and virtue, buying her a new car, etc.). Now, if on a day like that, she spends an hour before bed on her iPhone, then jumps into bed pulling on socks while saying, 'Wow, I'm really tired today', rolls over and kills the light, I am sometimes guilty of being a little distant in the morning myself. Also might spend some extra time away from the house to avoid more torture, if nothing else. Might spend an extra hour at the gym the next few days and might even wind up on a roadtrip to a ballgame on Saturday or something.

There it is, I said it. LOL.

If he really does love her, but understands she doesn't want to have sex, he's sort of trapped in a tough situation. He doesn't want to twist her arm, but every time he's close to her, he's being tortured. He doesn't think he can talk to her about it because a) he's young, b) he's a guy, and c) in his mind, bringing it up at all sort of smacks of coercion to some extent.

So, the closer he is to her, both emotionally and physically, the more he suffers under this scenario (obviously I don't know that it's right, just a theory based on my perspective and the limited info I've got). In his mind, there are only two ways to eliminate that suffering and neither of them involve the status quo.

sdfkjsadglkj11

I've told him that I do want to have sex, just when I'm ready. I wanted to be able to trust him before I give him my everything. He's a virgin, too. We both wanted to be eachothers' first. He did expect to have sex at the hotel, and I told him I wanted to, as well. But I said I wanted to wait, but that doesn't mean we didn't mess around at all. I'm going to give him some space and time to think. I'm not going to contact him for a while. If he wants to be with me, then he'll really have to earn my trust back.

winchestervol63

I've told him that I do want to have sex, just when I'm ready. I wanted to be able to trust him before I give him my everything. He's a virgin, too. We both wanted to be eachothers' first. He did expect to have sex at the hotel, and I told him I wanted to, as well. But I said I wanted to wait, but that doesn't mean we didn't mess around at all. I'm going to give him some space and time to think. I'm not going to contact him for a while. If he wants to be with me, then he'll really have to earn my trust back.

Please know that I only offered my comments in the hope that they might in some way be of a help to you and the situation - hope things work out great for you. Relationships are tough!

Good luck to you -

5ftnFun

i wouldn't suggest she loses her virginity to him though. he's not being straight with her and he can't be relied upon.

I understand that point of view entirely, but I wouldn't be so hard on him without knowing a lot more. Especially considering their age, I don't think this is a very uncommon situation.

At the risk of getting figuratively stoned in here, I'll say this - I'm more than twice their age and my wife and I have been married 13 years, together for a lot more - yet we still have little mini-verisons of this situation from time to time. There's just a big difference in sex drives between men and women (Typically, that is. Your results may vary!).

So, if we haven't had any in three weeks, let alone a year, the situation is becomes fraught with danger! In that situation, on any given day I might been imagining er, um, changing our status in this regard all day. Now, there could be a day like that where I've worked hard for a week or two to create the right situation (getting the kids to bed early, washing the dishes maybe, folding the clothes, mowing the grass, telling her she looks nice and meaning it, fixing the washing machine, having long convesations about yoga and kale chips, bringing home dinner, building a temple to her beauty and virtue, buying her a new car, etc.). Now, if on a day like that, she spends an hour before bed on her iPhone, then jumps into bed pulling on socks while saying, 'Wow, I'm really tired today', rolls over and kills the light, I am sometimes guilty of being a little distant in the morning myself. Also might spend some extra time away from the house to avoid more torture, if nothing else. Might spend an extra hour at the gym the next few days and might even wind up on a roadtrip to a ballgame on Saturday or something.

There it is, I said it. LOL.

If he really does love her, but understands she doesn't want to have sex, he's sort of trapped in a tough situation. He doesn't want to twist her arm, but every time he's close to her, he's being tortured. He doesn't think he can talk to her about it because a) he's young, b) he's a guy, and c) in his mind, bringing it up at all sort of smacks of coercion to some extent.

So, the closer he is to her, both emotionally and physically, the more he suffers under this scenario (obviously I don't know that it's right, just a theory based on my perspective and the limited info I've got). In his mind, there are only two ways to eliminate that suffering and neither of them involve the status quo.

I must have the mind of a guy because I understand this. Uneven sex drives in marriages is quite common & I am glad you admit to behaviors that are less than flattering. I think it's a little brave actually. Sex, money, children, in-laws-tough issues for many marriages. That's another topic though.

Thing is, the OP and the boyfriend may or may not be on the same page re: a sexual relationship. That's tough one for sure. But I think if I were a young woman trying to remain a virgin or hold off on sex, the LAST thing I'd do is go to a hotel room with my boyfriend. Why would you torture him like that?

I've read thru the responses & agree that he may not be ready for a commitment, may not be mature, may not be the one. But my first reaction was clearly "Wow, that guy has a lot of willpower!!".

raegan1215

oh man. i do NOT miss the drama of first loves. the going over it and over in your head and trying to understand they whys...not fun! cry and be sad for a few days. wallow and be miserable. and then pick yourself up and live your life again with all the lessons you've learned from your first relationship. apply those to your next relationship. grow. become stronger and wiser. broken hearts are awful but they're part of the human experience and as you've seen in the responses on here, we can all relate to you and feel your pain. it won't hurt forever and you will find love again. appreciate that he was a part of your life and that you got to experience the depths of human emotion - good and bad. that's what gives you character. be kind to yourself as you go through this.

sdfkjsadglkj11

i wouldn't suggest she loses her virginity to him though. he's not being straight with her and he can't be relied upon.

I understand that point of view entirely, but I wouldn't be so hard on him without knowing a lot more. Especially considering their age, I don't think this is a very uncommon situation.

At the risk of getting figuratively stoned in here, I'll say this - I'm more than twice their age and my wife and I have been married 13 years, together for a lot more - yet we still have little mini-verisons of this situation from time to time. There's just a big difference in sex drives between men and women (Typically, that is. Your results may vary!).

So, if we haven't had any in three weeks, let alone a year, the situation is becomes fraught with danger! In that situation, on any given day I might been imagining er, um, changing our status in this regard all day. Now, there could be a day like that where I've worked hard for a week or two to create the right situation (getting the kids to bed early, washing the dishes maybe, folding the clothes, mowing the grass, telling her she looks nice and meaning it, fixing the washing machine, having long convesations about yoga and kale chips, bringing home dinner, building a temple to her beauty and virtue, buying her a new car, etc.). Now, if on a day like that, she spends an hour before bed on her iPhone, then jumps into bed pulling on socks while saying, 'Wow, I'm really tired today', rolls over and kills the light, I am sometimes guilty of being a little distant in the morning myself. Also might spend some extra time away from the house to avoid more torture, if nothing else. Might spend an extra hour at the gym the next few days and might even wind up on a roadtrip to a ballgame on Saturday or something.

There it is, I said it. LOL.

If he really does love her, but understands she doesn't want to have sex, he's sort of trapped in a tough situation. He doesn't want to twist her arm, but every time he's close to her, he's being tortured. He doesn't think he can talk to her about it because a) he's young, b) he's a guy, and c) in his mind, bringing it up at all sort of smacks of coercion to some extent.

So, the closer he is to her, both emotionally and physically, the more he suffers under this scenario (obviously I don't know that it's right, just a theory based on my perspective and the limited info I've got). In his mind, there are only two ways to eliminate that suffering and neither of them involve the status quo.

I must have the mind of a guy because I understand this. Uneven sex drives in marriages is quite common & I am glad you admit to behaviors that are less than flattering. I think it's a little brave actually. Sex, money, children, in-laws-tough issues for many marriages. That's another topic though.

Thing is, the OP and the boyfriend may or may not be on the same page re: a sexual relationship. That's tough one for sure. But I think if I were a young woman trying to remain a virgin or hold off on sex, the LAST thing I'd do is go to a hotel room with my boyfriend. Why would you torture him like that?

I've read thru the responses & agree that he may not be ready for a commitment, may not be mature, may not be the one. But my first reaction was clearly "Wow, that guy has a lot of willpower!!".

I was torturing myself. I wanted to have sex with him too, something just stopped me. He never pressured me, and yes, he always wanted to go further, but he stopped whenever I said to. That being said, we've done everything BUT the actual act, so it's not like it was completely innocent. Gah, I love him so much.

Hoosier96

I know you love him dearly and can't imagine life without him, but one day you'll realize that you deserve someone who knows they want you - without a doubt, wants to spend their life with you, wants you. Anything less than that's a waste of time!

THIS, a thousand times. And it will take time for you to understand this, but one day you will. I promise! I've been in your shoes. This is the nature of getting your heart broken...it SUCKS, but it makes you stronger in the end. You'll see. Walk away from this guy and when you are tempted to check in with him, DON'T. You need distance to get stronger, so give yourself that GIFT.