My heart is broken...

sdfkjsadglkj11

I am also 21 years old. So I feel like I can relate with you a lot on this issue, based on our ages alone. My boyfriend is also 21 years old. And we've almost been together for a year. A few months back, we broke up for a months time. This was because he felt he was missing out on things by being in a committed and long term relationship. He's young. He wasn't at the level I was at in terms of what I wanted. And so I left. And in time, he came crawling back. And now we are stronger than ever. He needed that month to figure out what he really wanted. Get a bit of stuff out of his system and truly buckle down and think what is most important to him. And in the end, it was me. It always was me. He just needed his last "hoo-rah" as a 21 year old guy with freedom.
Give him time and give him his space. You are very young and have a lot of time to figure things out. I have been in two other serious relationships so I don't necessarily need to see what else or who else is out there. But maybe you two do. What I can say is don't settle for less than what you know you're worth. At the end of the day, your happiness should absolutely be the most important thing to you. And I feel like you either need to give him time to figure things out or just move on and do your own thing and do things that make you happy. Be young while you can, because we won't be forever.

I haven't contacted him yet, it's been two days. Should I just not have contact with him for a month? To me, if he wants me back and wants things to work, he'd come back to me in at least a week or two. He sent me a message two hours after dropping me off two days ago saying something along the lines of him loving me, but as a friend, I'm beautiful, I should smile, he hated seeing me so hurt, and I'll find someone to love me even more than I loved him....

But I know he still loves me, I could tell he was conflicted the whole time and he didn't want to let me go. So I'm going to give him his space, I just don't know how to go about doing it.

coe28

And kudos for you for being with him for that long and not sleeping with him yet. That's pretty rare these days.

saxmaniac

You both sound very, very, confused at what a relationship is. One year of sporadic intimacy, and no sex? This is an honest question - are you religious and working towards marriage? It seems you're sort of in dating limbo and it is just confusing.

sdfkjsadglkj11

You both sound very, very, confused at what a relationship is. One year of sporadic intimacy, and no sex? This is an honest question - are you religious and working towards marriage? It seems you're sort of in dating limbo and it is just confusing.

We've done a lot of physical things, just not the actual deed. I'm not religious, and neither is he. I'm going to give him some space.

BeinAwesome247

Eh. Why be with someone who doesn't want you?

A lot of women try to hold onto men who don't want them. That's a recipe for insecurity.

And read the book "He's Just NOT That Into You"

Pretty sure there was an example similar to this - walk. NO actually, RUN away
NEVER make a man the center of your world

iulia_maddie

.....but he still wants to be with me, and he kept trying to hug me and cuddle with me and kiss me. I'm so confused, he acted like he had to break up with me even though he didn't want to...

I'm so sad... I can't eat, I can't think....

Don't fool yourself. Sure, thinking that he actually wants to be with you but for some reason he can't, might bring you some comfort now. This will only make it tougher for you to move on.
It's simple, he doesn't want you anymore.
He might've been trying to kiss you and hug you because he felt bad seeing you cry (does not mean he wants you back).

Madmadz77

Eh. Why be with someone who doesn't want you?

A lot of women try to hold onto men who don't want them. That's a recipe for insecurity.

And read the book "He's Just NOT That Into You"

Pretty sure there was an example similar to this - walk. NO actually, RUN away
NEVER make a man the center of your world

Not sure I agree. My GF is the center of my world. I do everything I can to make her as happy as I can. I think the idea is more to make the other person your entire world.

saxmaniac

We've done a lot of physical things, just not the actual deed. I'm not religious, and neither is he. I'm going to give him some space.

I'm not sure what "lots of physical things" means, but if it involves an orgasm or genitals, then you've already done the deed.

Waiting a year seems just seems off. While everyone has their own timetable to become comfortable, a year seems too much. In my experience, people who wait that long are either religiously principled, or have some deeper problem interfering with the entirely normal and healthy sex, that can't be diagnosed over the internet. I hope I'm wrong though.

DavidC1857

I've told him that I do want to have sex, just when I'm ready. I wanted to be able to trust him before I give him my everything. He's a virgin, too. We both wanted to be eachothers' first. He did expect to have sex at the hotel, and I told him I wanted to, as well. But I said I wanted to wait, but that doesn't mean we didn't mess around at all. I'm going to give him some space and time to think. I'm not going to contact him for a while. If he wants to be with me, then he'll really have to earn my trust back.

I was torturing myself. I wanted to have sex with him too, something just stopped me. He never pressured me, and yes, he always wanted to go further, but he stopped whenever I said to. That being said, we've done everything BUT the actual act, so it's not like it was completely innocent. Gah, I love him so much.

I'm probably gonna get reamed for this, but here goes. Let me see if I have this straight.

You went to a hotel room with him wanting to have sex. He's 21, so we can be pretty sure he wanted to have sex also. You wanted to have sex, you say that. He expected sex, you said that. You told him you did, why would he expect anything else? So you messed around (again you said that), got him good and ready, and then turned off the switch, expecting him to just turn off the switch as well.

And now you wonder why he is confused and distant? He has a girlfriend who doesn't really know what she wants. First she wants it, then she doesn't. She gets him hot and bothered and just expects him to shut it off (21 y/o guys don't do that well.) Of course he's confused. He's trying to figure out what the hell is going on.

I don't imagine you really even understand this but he's not playing you, you're playing him. Probably without even realizing it, because you're confused about the sex yourself.

You need to decide that you either are or are not going to have sex. Then tell him that. If it's not, tell him. If he loves you he will wait, hopefully, because he's pretty confused right now. When you feel it's time to have sex then tell him, and do it. Don't play him.

To clarify. I don't really think you are intentionally playing him. I think you're are confused and it's happening unintentionally. But from his point of view, he has no clue what you want, because you don't know what you want. And he's probably feeling pretty played right now.

Personally, I hold the "wait until you're married" point of view. But that is just me.

caterpillardreams

I have not read any other comments, but I have been in a few breaks ups before, I am 31. Its gonna hurt especially if you truly love eachother. I am not saying you do not belong together but right now might not be the time.
Cliché but Time will heal the wounds, you wont forget but it will not hurt as bad.
Go do things you love to do, and love yourself, if you have some great girlfriends or family, go out and have a good time.

danasings

We're both 21. This is the first time we've broken up. We took a break once because he wanted it, and then the very next day he rushed over to my house apologizing and saying he was stupid and that he couldn't stand to be away and that he loved me....that was all the way back in January. It just hurts so much. How could he want this? I know for a fact he doesn't want anybody else...he said that after me, he doesn't think he'll ever been in another relationship again... After all we've been through together? The memories? We never had big fights, and he was always so kind to me, always holding my hand, hugging me, laughing with me....just a week ago he was doing that, too. I just don't understand how he could want this. I've known him almost two years, he was the first friend I made, the first best friend I made, and my first love. And I'm his first love....how could he want it to end, yet not want it to end? He was hugging me and wouldn't let me go, and I told him it was making it worse, and he told me not to pull away, that hugging me felt nice....what???? And why was he trying to kiss me???

Because he wants to have his cake and eat it, too. He wants the perks of a relationship (hugging and kissing and whatever else feels good) without the commitment (taking you out to dinner, buying you things, not being able to do what he wants when he wants, etc.) He's basically only thinking about himself.

^^^THIS!!

Gah. He sounds like my first boyfriend (now ex-husband). After ten years of emotional manipulation and abuse, it was the greatest blessing in my life when he finally left me for another woman...then, four months later, was "confused" and "missed me" and "wasn't sure he wanted a divorce." I told him that if he wanted to stay married to me, he had to 1) break up with his girlfriend, and 2) get marriage counseling. Well, that was too much work for him. Fast forward 13 years later...He is now divorced from the woman he left me for, unemployed, and living with a psycho. I am now happily married (seven years this month) to an amazing, caring man that has ALWAYS put me and our two sons first.

You deserve better, honey. I know he seems great, but...if he were really into you, he wouldn't avoid you. Ever.

sdfkjsadglkj11

I've told him that I do want to have sex, just when I'm ready. I wanted to be able to trust him before I give him my everything. He's a virgin, too. We both wanted to be eachothers' first. He did expect to have sex at the hotel, and I told him I wanted to, as well. But I said I wanted to wait, but that doesn't mean we didn't mess around at all. I'm going to give him some space and time to think. I'm not going to contact him for a while. If he wants to be with me, then he'll really have to earn my trust back.

I was torturing myself. I wanted to have sex with him too, something just stopped me. He never pressured me, and yes, he always wanted to go further, but he stopped whenever I said to. That being said, we've done everything BUT the actual act, so it's not like it was completely innocent. Gah, I love him so much.

I'm probably gonna get reamed for this, but here goes. Let me see if I have this straight.

You went to a hotel room with him wanting to have sex. He's 21, so we can be pretty sure he wanted to have sex also. You wanted to have sex, you say that. He expected sex, you said that. You told him you did, why would he expect anything else? So you messed around (again you said that), got him good and ready, and then turned off the switch, expecting him to just turn off the switch as well.

And now you wonder why he is confused and distant? He has a girlfriend who doesn't really know what she wants. First she wants it, then she doesn't. She gets him hot and bothered and just expects him to shut it off (21 y/o guys don't do that well.) Of course he's confused. He's trying to figure out what the hell is going on.

I don't imagine you really even understand this but he's not playing you, you're playing him. Probably without even realizing it, because you're confused about the sex yourself.

You need to decide that you either are or are not going to have sex. Then tell him that. If it's not, tell him. If he loves you he will wait, hopefully, because he's pretty confused right now. When you feel it's time to have sex then tell him, and do it. Don't play him.

To clarify. I don't really think you are intentionally playing him. I think you're are confused and it's happening unintentionally. But from his point of view, he has no clue what you want, because you don't know what you want. And he's probably feeling pretty played right now.

Personally, I hold the "wait until you're married" point of view. But that is just me.

It's not like I left him with blue balls. But I never said we were going to the hotel to have sex. We BOTH said we wanted to go just to be alone and spend time together without someone knocking on his door or bugging us.

BamaBreezeNSaltAire

If you were my daughter (and yes I have one), I'd to say the real love of your life won't make you cry. Once you meet the right one, you'll never understand why you let all the others make you cry because one look at the right one and you'll realize that the others weren't worth the tears.

Hang in there sweet girl, you have so much life ahead of you!

DavidC1857

I've told him that I do want to have sex, just when I'm ready. I wanted to be able to trust him before I give him my everything. He's a virgin, too. We both wanted to be eachothers' first. He did expect to have sex at the hotel, and I told him I wanted to, as well. But I said I wanted to wait, but that doesn't mean we didn't mess around at all. I'm going to give him some space and time to think. I'm not going to contact him for a while. If he wants to be with me, then he'll really have to earn my trust back.

I was torturing myself. I wanted to have sex with him too, something just stopped me. He never pressured me, and yes, he always wanted to go further, but he stopped whenever I said to. That being said, we've done everything BUT the actual act, so it's not like it was completely innocent. Gah, I love him so much.

I'm probably gonna get reamed for this, but here goes. Let me see if I have this straight.

You went to a hotel room with him wanting to have sex. He's 21, so we can be pretty sure he wanted to have sex also. You wanted to have sex, you say that. He expected sex, you said that. You told him you did, why would he expect anything else? So you messed around (again you said that), got him good and ready, and then turned off the switch, expecting him to just turn off the switch as well.

And now you wonder why he is confused and distant? He has a girlfriend who doesn't really know what she wants. First she wants it, then she doesn't. She gets him hot and bothered and just expects him to shut it off (21 y/o guys don't do that well.) Of course he's confused. He's trying to figure out what the hell is going on.

I don't imagine you really even understand this but he's not playing you, you're playing him. Probably without even realizing it, because you're confused about the sex yourself.

You need to decide that you either are or are not going to have sex. Then tell him that. If it's not, tell him. If he loves you he will wait, hopefully, because he's pretty confused right now. When you feel it's time to have sex then tell him, and do it. Don't play him.

To clarify. I don't really think you are intentionally playing him. I think you're are confused and it's happening unintentionally. But from his point of view, he has no clue what you want, because you don't know what you want. And he's probably feeling pretty played right now.

Personally, I hold the "wait until you're married" point of view. But that is just me.

It's not like I left him with blue balls. But I never said we were going to the hotel to have sex. We BOTH said we wanted to go just to be alone and spend time together without someone knocking on his door or bugging us.

He did expect to have sex at the hotel, and I told him I wanted to, as well.

Which one is it? You say he expected sex. But then you said you went knowing you just wanted to be alone. You need to be a lot more clear with him about what you do and don't want. Because what I'm reading is a lot of mixed signals.

AnJulNZ

So let me get this straight. Here are some things you have said:

"I know he loves me"
Do you? How do you know this? He's not acting like it. Just because he said it doesn't mean it's true. You want to believe that he loves you, because you love him and you're hurt and trying to console yourself.

"He's 21 too" ... "he's a virgin"
Really? A 21 year old guy still a virgin? That's really not ... common. And again, how do you know this?

I do feel sympathetic because you're hurting right now, but please - get off the internet and go for a walk in the fresh air, or have a hot drink, or read a book, or watch a movie - or just do something else to take your mind off him for a little while. The more you type about it, and the more advice people give you (no matter how well intentioned) - the more confused you are going to be.

Turn the internet off and give yourself at least a chance to clear your head :flowerforyou:

silvergurl518

breakups are hard. really hard. but you will be so much better off without him. allow yourself to grieve. it feels big right now and it is...but won't be for long. please know that so many of us have felt the way you feel right now. it will get better and you will have a wonderful love story someday in the future!

HardcoreP0rk

Is there any chance he's a latent homosexual?

I wondered this too, and not at all in a mean way. Maybe there is some underlying issue that he is dealing with that is causing him to pull away. It sounds to me like he really does love and care about you, and is just trying to keep you from being hurt for some reason. I would take some time for both of you to breathe and calm down then, try to talk to him and get some answers.

Thats where my head would be at. Young, confused, no fully developed sexual identity, a full year with no sex...

dare2love81

Move on with your life. I don't mean to be harsh, but that's the only thing that will help you through this. Learn who you are, and what makes you happy. Go learn a new hobby, or pick up a new class of some sort. Great guys are drawn to confident girls who know who they are and what they want. Most guys worth having get incredibly nervous and uncomfortable knowing that their girlfriend (or any girl for that matter) let their whole life revolve around the guy. They feel trapped and don't want to feel responsible for the girl's happiness, or lack thereof.

So forget about him and as the saying goes "go do you". The rest will fall into place.

Underworld_Dandy

Cynical but realistic head on....

Been together a year.
Not had sex.
Got hotel room.
Just cuddled.
Distant in the morning.
Left on road trip without you.
Needed to talk on return.
Cried and said he's stringing you along.

He's not an emotional cripple, he's just got fed up with waiting and shagged someone else and now has remorse.

Hmmm..


Did you guys have conversations about sex?

Yes, all the time. We both wanted to wait for a special time, and I told him I wasn't ready, and he was perfectly okay with that and said we'd do it when I was ready, then he cuddled me and went to sleep. He'd never cheat on me. He actually told me that if we had had sex he would have felt even worse, and he's glad we didn't.

I'm sorry in advance because this is going to come across as really harsh but.....

Hahhahahaahahahahahhahahahaahahahahhaah on what planet???????

kennethmgreen

So I threw on my pretty new sundress to cheer him up and went down to his house, which I rarely ever do since I'm a terrible driver. He looked surprised to see me
...
And this just happened last night. He drove me home and I hugged him and couldn't let go, then I went to bed and cried myself to sleep.

Where is your car? And if boyfriend drove you home in your car, where is he now? How did he get home?

I know - probably not relevant. But I read your original post, and I couldn't make it work in my head so had to ask.

he's everything to me

Whatever happens to this relationship or any you may have in the future, don't do this again. Please don't read this as snarky or sarcastic, because I'm being completely serious. When you make someone else your everything, when they leave, you're left with nothing, barely equipped to get through the breakup like a normal person.

You're both young and he sounds like he's about to drag you through the ringer while he sorts himself out. I hope that you learn from what you have and are about to experience. It is draining. I would offer you advice to not do this with him, but I know you will do it anyway. So I stress that in the meantime, please focus on building yourself up. You are every bit as special as he is.

Good stuff, there. From someone who knows what she's talking about.

I'm not sure how this story is going to turn, and what good will become of the crowd-sourcing relationship therapy (though MFP has been exceptionally supportive in this thread). But I do feel for you. It's been awhile, but I remember the desperate, suffocating, head-rush feelings of being in love at 21. I won't belittle your feelings or perspective, because I know they are important and very real.

We are getting your perspective of a situation without a lot of factual detail. We can speculate on your boyfriend's intentions, his character, even his sexuality. But he's not part of this discussion. I suggest paying attention to the feedback that focuses on you. Ultimately, that's the only part of the equation you have control over anyway. The only person that matters in this conversation is you.

I admire your resolve to wait until having sex. But it bothers me that you've phrased this way:

I wanted to be able to trust him before I give him my everything.

Re-read theCarlton's post above.

I don't want to destroy your dream of something special, but I think you may have some unrealistic ideas. Your "everything" cannot be given away. Who you are, what you mean to the world, the things that make you who you are - these aren't given away. They're not encapsulated in your sexuality.

Your "first time" may be special, it may be pedestrian, it may be filled with lots of awkward tears. But it will still be one event in your life. One you may remember fondly. But one event nonetheless.

Focus on you. Focus on what you want, who you want to be. Rather than spending time and energy concentrating on what you want the relationship to look like, or how you want your boyfriend to act, focus on how you want to show up in the relationship. What kind of girlfriend do you want to be?