HELP! Should I date three more??
Replies
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I say concentrate on your thigh gap while hitting 1200 calories....you know, the more important things in life \m/ :flowerforyou:0
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I say concentrate on your thigh gap while hitting 1200 calories....you know, the more important things in life \m/ :flowerforyou:
Thigh gap is so 2012. We're going for box gap now.0 -
You need to quit thinking about guys and start worrying about how you are ever going to be able to eat 1200 calories a day.
Oops, snarky. Sorry.
haha, I have no trouble eating 2500 calories a day. The trouble is staying in my healthy calorie range of around 1500-1600.0 -
You still didn't answer the question.
Your family, you said you had pressure to have grandkids for your grandparents, thus the biological clock ticking. And yet they hate the guy you are with. What are your family members saying about Chris as to why they do not like him?0 -
I say concentrate on your thigh gap while hitting 1200 calories....you know, the more important things in life \m/ :flowerforyou:
Jerry FTW
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I'm ignoring the rude people and talking to people who are giving real information and advice. Pretty sure that's how you exchange ideas effectively in polite society.
I gave you real information and advice, as did many others in this thread that you didn't respond to. Those of us telling you that this relationship sounds seriously dangerous and wrong are not being rude, we are genuinely concerned. Many people here speak from personal experience, others from research. What most of us seem to agree on is that this relationship is NOT healthy, you could be in danger, and even if you weren't you're not mature enough to get married right now anyway.
But as you stated before, you're basically just looking for people to agree with you that you should stay with Chris... maybe next time don't post a topic asking for advice if you're just going to ignore the advice you don't want to hear.
First, I've gotten lots of advice from LOTS of people. Forgive me for not answering absolutely everything, but this thread is moving really fast, and I'm just trying to keep up. I never said those who offer negative opinions were rude. There were plenty of rude responses and I know the difference between straight up rudeness and just a difference of opinion.
Second, I appreciate everyone's advice and I'm planning to come back and pick through everything again later with a pro-con list.
Last, I never said I think I should stay with Chris. That's the reason I made this thread. So maybe outsiders could give me some perspective.
Strong decision. Pro-con lists are the gold standard way to choose a mate.
Just be sure to spell names right. You don't want Chris to end up seeing "He's not Christ" under "con" on the other guy.0 -
Is this real... :-/0
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I say concentrate on your thigh gap while hitting 1200 calories....you know, the more important things in life \m/ :flowerforyou:
Thigh gap is so 2012. We're going for box gap now.
QFT!0 -
so technically you're not with anyone totally serious right now?
Why not go have some fun, hook up with 3 randoms, meet your quota and go from there. You might accidentally find what you're looking for while you're having fun.
^This.
The 12 thing is @#$%ing stupid.
Obviously you should let Chris leave, because if you thought there was anything there, you wouldn't have posted this.0 -
I say concentrate on your thigh gap while hitting 1200 calories....you know, the more important things in life \m/ :flowerforyou:
Thigh gap is so 2012. We're going for box gap now.
QFT!
DAMMIT! I got a thigh gap when I lost weight. I wasn't trying for one, it just happened. And now I'm out of style again. :sad:0 -
"Okay so, genuine question: where do you draw the line? If someone is interested in all the details about your life, how do you know if that's good or bad? Obviously if someone shows no interest, that's not good, but where's that divider?"
That divider is in how he asks and how far he pushes for information. When he calls you randomly during the day does he say "hey babe how are you doing today?" or "Hey babe, What are you doing?" Does he act like he needs to know who you are talking to? Like I asked earlier, if you said "just a friend" would that answer be okay with him or would he push it. Does he care if you hang out with your friends alone or does he even jokingly complain about it? The difference is making conversation vs demanding information. It's still early in the relationship so it may be hard to tell how it will end up being, but there are a log of red flags and I think you know it.0 -
Doll ... if you have to ask then the answer is a blatant no
No, don't stay with Chris
No, don't move
No, don't date anyone else until you can realise YOU state you are bad at relationships because you are a scientific person (go back and read what you first wrote) so need to STOP basing your decisions on what other people study, write or say (including Chris!)0 -
When you find the right person, you know it. Doesn't matter if you've dated 1 or 20.
^
That. You wouldn't need to ask strangers on the internet if #2 is the guy. Whose behavior is creepy. 2 months in, and he's your keeper... yeah...0 -
You still didn't answer the question.
Your family, you said you had pressure to have grandkids for your grandparents, thus the biological clock ticking. And yet they hate the guy you are with. What are your family members saying about Chris as to why they do not like him?
My grandparents don't like him because he's Korean. It doesn't matter to me, AT ALL, race makes no difference, but I guess the older generation doesn't see it that way. My parents try not to be, but I know it kind of affects their opinion also. :ohwell:
That is why I said they are kind of biased. Because Simon is white and they only want me to be with a white man or a Mexican man. Obviously I can't ask for advice from someone who is racially biased and it sucks, but it's the truth.0 -
NO0
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You still didn't answer the question.
Your family, you said you had pressure to have grandkids for your grandparents, thus the biological clock ticking. And yet they hate the guy you are with. What are your family members saying about Chris as to why they do not like him?
My grandparents don't like him because he's Korean. It doesn't matter to me, AT ALL, race makes no difference, but I guess the older generation doesn't see it that way. My parents try not to be, but I know it kind of affects their opinion also. :ohwell:
That is why I said they are kind of biased. Because Simon is white and they only want me to be with a white man or a Mexican man. Obviously I can't ask for advice from someone who is racially biased and it sucks, but it's the truth.
You can't be with a Korean man! They all take orders from that Kim guy. He's terrible. He has a girl's name!0 -
That depends on a few things."That's not your clock ticking, that's just your stomach growling" made me laugh!! Haha, thank you for this, and for your positive contribution to my situation!:flowerforyou:
Maybe I should move with Chris and still live separately. Anyone want to weigh in on that idea?
Is the relationship at a point where you feel that this might be 'the one', and moving will allow you to be near him?
If you don't move, will you be able to trust him?
Is it worth moving because of a relationship and leaving your current family/friends/work/social life/city?
Can you afford to move to another city and stay independant (i.e. you won't have to move in with him because of finances).
I'm still saying he has red flags (and while I know you may be potentially brushing off all our comments, please take a further look into controlling and/or abusive relationships, if anything so that you're armed with more knowledge for the future), and it's a serious commitment to YOURSELF to pick up and move to a different city, let alone the relationship.
If you're serious about this, then there's another pro/con list you're going to have to make up for moving, but if you're determined to stay with him, then at least living on your own is a good thing. While I didn't move for a relationship (but for a job), it's hard not being far away from friends/family/familiar territory.
At this point I am not really worried about trusting Chris, I think we're good in that department. Yes, the controlling stuff I am thinking about, not just brushing off, but honestly, he doesn't do it in a creepy way, but more in an interested way.
Doesn't someone who cares about another person naturally want to know the things they're doing and what is happening in their lives?
YES they do...my husband always ask me how my day was at work...not who all did I text or PM on MFP while I was at work :noway:0 -
This is just my two cents, but I wouldn't believe a magazine so much. I mean, instead of dating three more men, who you may/may not like more than your current boyfriend, why would you not evaluate where you see yourself with him in the next few years? Do you really think you could see yourself having a family with him? Would he be able to support you through all walks of life, can he be your closest friend, can you trust him with all your heart? Sometimes, I know this is cheesy, it's not about the numbers, it's really about that feeling you get when you're with someone. If I were in your place, I'd reevaluate my position instead of jumping out on a limb (and thereby, in the process, risking your relationship with Chris- he seems to be really protective of you) and dating three more guys just because some magazine said it (and yes, I tend to think more with my brain than my heart like you
) Do what makes YOU happy, and what is good for you, not for anyone else (well except your future children duh xD).
Thank you for your input!!!!! :flowerforyou: I don't believe ALL the magazines, but Wired said it was from a study, so that's a science thing and I need to at leaste think about it from science's perspective.
Chris is really protective, I love that! I am so glad you know what it's like to think with your brain more than your heart and just do what makes you happy. You seem like a great person.:drinker:
One of my Psychology professors at UC Davis admitted that magazines called him almost daily. They would tell him about the article they wanted to write, and paid him to put his name on those statistics. Don't trust a magazine to decide your future. It sounds like you are not ready to make this sort of commitment though.0 -
10/10 Would bang.
So...is that a rating...or are you saying that you want to be #10 out of 10 ?0 -
This new guy throws up all kinds of red flags. Two months and he constantly checks in on you, gets jealous, wants to move you away from your family, your support group and make you his (essentially)? No ma'am. Throw in the fact that he magically was the one that put the seed of doubt in your mind with your relationship with Simon? Run. Run far away. Date 3 more, 100 more, but this guy is not good news and has serious trust issues with YOU instead of the other way around.
Honey, I know it is hard to see when you are so close to the situation and the relationship is still so new and wonderful feeling. But every ounce of logic speaks against staying with him. If you are logical in the very least sense, get out now.
I speak only from experience. I had a very very rough relationship once. I was trapped 600 miles away from my friends and family, none of whom liked my boyfriend in the first place. I was depressed, suicidal, lonely as hell even though I had a man who supposedly loved me and wanted us to be together forever.
They're good at telling you what you want to hear, but nothing else. Trust your family's judgement here.
Thank you for this message, I really appreciate it! :flowerforyou: I'm sorry you had to go through that. I just really want to make sure I am doing the right thing, and I know we're still in the honeymoon phase, but everyone doesn't have the same experience like you had, you know?
What you said here just looks like you were asking random strangers to tell you, "How wonderful you met this Chris guy and he wants to marry you too?! OMGZ!!W34234!! DO IT."0 -
Chris said your boyfriend was cheating so you'd break up with your bf and date him. What a good friend.0
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I'm not one to post on these threads, but you really need to take a step back and carefully examine what you're doing and what you really need.
It's much better to be single and lonely, than married and miserable.0 -
"Okay so, genuine question: where do you draw the line? If someone is interested in all the details about your life, how do you know if that's good or bad? Obviously if someone shows no interest, that's not good, but where's that divider?"
That divider is in how he asks and how far he pushes for information. When he calls you randomly during the day does he say "hey babe how are you doing today?" or "Hey babe, What are you doing?" Does he act like he needs to know who you are talking to? Like I asked earlier, if you said "just a friend" would that answer be okay with him or would he push it. Does he care if you hang out with your friends alone or does he even jokingly complain about it? The difference is making conversation vs demanding information. It's still early in the relationship so it may be hard to tell how it will end up being, but there are a log of red flags and I think you know it.
This makes sense, thank you!
I think you're right, it's a little to early to be able to tell for sure. I am not trying to withhold information, either, so if he asks who was on the phone I just tell him and tell him about the conversation because we share things like that. I mean, I do the same not out of jealousy, just curiosity. There might be some red flags, I admit, I'm just saying I don't think that's a major one because of how it happens.0 -
Well, I met my husband while I was in high school. I was 14. He was the 2nd boyfriend I had.
2 weeks after we met, he told me he was going to marry me. We were best friends and we genuinely felt drawn together.
We broke up and got back together when I was 17. We have been together ever since. It has been 11 years and we have never been happier.
I can see the advantage of dating around to get an idea of who you want to be with forever, but sometimes, (just sometimes) love steps in and makes the decision for you.
If I had chosen to "date around" I would have missed my soul mate and probably would have missed out on this incredible love that we share.
aww this is sweet.
I thought I was the only one that was still with my high school sweetheart!0 -
This is just my two cents, but I wouldn't believe a magazine so much. I mean, instead of dating three more men, who you may/may not like more than your current boyfriend, why would you not evaluate where you see yourself with him in the next few years? Do you really think you could see yourself having a family with him? Would he be able to support you through all walks of life, can he be your closest friend, can you trust him with all your heart? Sometimes, I know this is cheesy, it's not about the numbers, it's really about that feeling you get when you're with someone. If I were in your place, I'd reevaluate my position instead of jumping out on a limb (and thereby, in the process, risking your relationship with Chris- he seems to be really protective of you) and dating three more guys just because some magazine said it (and yes, I tend to think more with my brain than my heart like you ) Do what makes YOU happy, and what is good for you, not for anyone else (well except your future children duh xD).
Thank you for your input!!!!! :flowerforyou: I don't believe ALL the magazines, but Wired said it was from a study, so that's a science thing and I need to at leaste think about it from science's perspective.
Chris is really protective, I love that! I am so glad you know what it's like to think with your brain more than your heart and just do what makes you happy. You seem like a great person.:drinker:
One of my Psychology professors at UC Davis admitted that magazines called him almost daily. They would tell him about the article they wanted to write, and paid him to put his name on those statistics. Don't trust a magazine to decide your future. It sounds like you are not ready to make this sort of commitment though.
More importantly, read the cited study. Don't rely upon some headline hunting "journalist" to do it for you. There is no study that says that you must date 12 people. Simply stated.0 -
12??? 12??? I thought the magic number was 42!!!!!!!!!
42 no way.... The magic number is 69.... It must be... I see it everywhere, and if not 69 then 666 .... Damn magic numbers I never know what they mean.0 -
I can't stop laughing!0
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I tried to find the primary literature...
Is the article from Wired? [ETA link: http://www.wired.com/magazine/2011/11/ff_betterliving/all/]Find a Soul Mate
There’s a probabilistic approach to finding the love of your life, and it even has a name: satisficing, a combination of satisfy and suffice. OK, technically, satisficing refers to getting a good enough outcome when you’re lacking complete information about your options. But isn’t dating like that? According to Peter Todd, professor of informatics and cognitive science at Indiana University, the question always comes down to this: “Do you keep searching and hope something better will come along, or do you stop searching when you find something that looks pretty good?”
In the face of this conundrum, the best strategy for picking a mate is to date enough people to establish some baseline standards, then settle down with the next person you meet who exceeds the bar. According to Todd, you should have a baseline after dating roughly 12 people. He’s dubbed this theory the Twelve-Bonk Rule, and it can also be applied to picking the right employee or choosing a home. So, if you’ve dated fewer than 12 people, you should feel free to keep looking. If you’ve had 30 relationships, odds are you’re being too picky. Quit obsessing over your new paramour’s dorky laugh.—Judy Dutton
Because there is no mention of a "study" - certainly not one that has been published. It seems like one guy's opinion. And it says "roughly" 12, not exactly 12. While the basic idea of establishing a "baseline" of some sort is OK, this isn't a hard and fast rule to live your life by.
Only you will know if Chris is right for you. From what you've said here, I have my doubts.0 -
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Twilight is just freaky. Edward watches Bella sleep from outside her window at night. Yikes! :huh:
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... and how do you know Chris isn't watching you while you sleep at night??0 -
Just be sure to spell names right. You don't want Chris to end up seeing "He's not Christ" under "con" on the other guy.
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You are too funny!!
:laugh:0
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