HELP! Should I date three more??
Replies
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Maybe you have daddy issues or some childhood trauma that's caused you not to trust people, but whatever the reason, here's some honest advice.
If you leave a relationship every time you have doubts, are unsure of something, or think you might be missing out on something better - you will never find the right person. Everyone has doubts, everyone goes through times of not trusting their SO. Trust is earned over time, and if you're that distrusting that you let something someone else said to you (Chris telling you not to trust Simon) get to you, make you paranoid, and convinced yourself it should end the relationship... I think it's more about your own issues, issues with commitment and trust issues.
These things take time to get over - not hopping from one relationship to another. Sorry if that's mean, but that's what I think.
I already know I DO have trust and commitment issues. I shouldn't let those hold me back, but I also don't want to be stupid, you know?
How do you get over those kinds of issues?0 -
The fact that you have to ask means that you haven't found the one0
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You have GOT to be kidding. If not, you're since of what a good relationship is is totally warped. Good luck honey, you need it.
I admitted I am bad at relationships. This is not very supportive.
The fact that he's controlling by asking, where you are, what you're doing, who is calling you, who is messaging you - is not healthy. He sounds manipulative. After all, he's the one that told you your ex was [possibly] cheating, right? Another way to control you and get you into HIS life, instead of your ex's life.
Personally, I would not take such a huge step with someone you've only been dating for two months, who is controlling and manipulative.0 -
so technically you're not with anyone right now?
Why not go have some fun, hook up with 3 randoms, meet your quota and go from there. You might accidentally find what you're looking for while you're having fun.
This is just rude.
I am with Christ.
Then date him the next three times he's resurrected. BOOM! You're in like Flynn.
LOLOLOL0 -
I would be careful it sounds like you are mistaking being controling with caring...especially so early. Just my opinion. And the # doesn't matter. But I think a break in between might have been a good idea just to process everything that happened with the first guy.
Good luck!
It could just be how you've described the relationship but it does sound controlling. But only you two know what is really going on. A number shouldn't matter. IMO
Best of luck with whatever you decide.0 -
WOAH WOAH WOOOAAAAHHH!!!!
No way this thread makes it 20 pages without some feeding....everyone has to eat...I heard the troll was under 1200 cal a day anyways.0 -
Maybe you have daddy issues or some childhood trauma that's caused you not to trust people, but whatever the reason, here's some honest advice.
If you leave a relationship every time you have doubts, are unsure of something, or think you might be missing out on something better - you will never find the right person. Everyone has doubts, everyone goes through times of not trusting their SO. Trust is earned over time, and if you're that distrusting that you let something someone else said to you (Chris telling you not to trust Simon) get to you, make you paranoid, and convinced yourself it should end the relationship... I think it's more about your own issues, issues with commitment and trust issues.
These things take time to get over - not hopping from one relationship to another. Sorry if that's mean, but that's what I think.
I already know I DO have trust and commitment issues. I shouldn't let those hold me back, but I also don't want to be stupid, you know?
How do you get over those kinds of issues?
Give a man time to prove to you he is worth your trust... that's all I can tell you - it's what I had to do, and it took years. Only thing that cured it for me, and I still have doubts sometimes. Rarely these days, but that insecurity still rears its ugly head once in a while.0 -
Well, if you're looking for three more that you don't intend or expect to stay with, I'm sure you'd have ample volunteers to be temporary boyfriends #10, 11, and 12.......
Is this a serious post? I have plenty of friends who didn't get married until their 30s. Certainly have never heard a mid-20s young lady express concern over a ticking clock....0 -
Just to remind you, I was not the one who chose "12" as the number.:noway: Ok, so did you actually ever even have a mature, adult conversation with Simon to ask him about the cheating, or did you just take Chris' word for it?
And the "checking up" on you, and the asking who you're talking to, and wanting to know where you are/where you've been...that's called CONTROL, not caring! And it's BAD in a relationship...very bad.
12? Peculiar number. And how long must you "date" each person to consider it having dated them? Once for a quickie? A dinner and a movie? 6 months? A year? And then, does that mean #13 is Mr. Right? Or do you have go to back and pick one of the 12? I'd like to see the research behind that number. I'm sure they've had to do some sort of research to come up with a number like that.
I never dated 12 people...married once, divorced (hmmm..he always wanted to know where I was, who I was with, who I was talking to, and why I wasn't always sitting at the phone waiting for his call when he was away, accused me of cheating on him when the reality was he was cheating on me, etc.) and married now a second time to a great man. We've been together for 12 years now. I no where near dated 12 guys, even if you go all the way back to 6th grade and start counting from there (and I am many years out of 6th grade!)
You need to search yourself for the answer(s) to your question(s), not look for them on a public forum. Your life will be riddled with mistakes and "should have"s and such, but the key is to learn the lesson(s) intended, pick yourself up and keep moving forward. If Chris is the one, great. If not, then let him move away, keep in touch now and then, but look around. Only you can make that decision.0 -
Alright missus, I find this a hilarious topic to discover on a MFP forum. So I sort of love it.
You don't need our advice! You know that! An educated decision is worth making, but not a calculated one- not in matters of the heart. Do you want to spend your life with this person?
I knew my husband since I was fifteen. We met as teenagers, lost contact over the years, and discovered each other at the same college four years ago. By the end of the year we were dating and by the next semester we were planning marriage.
Marriage is crazy. It has both the capacity for incredible joy and extreme loneliness and isolation, and I've felt both already. That's not entirely dependent on who I married- it's directly reflective of what expectations I've dumped on my husband, what strength I've found in myself, whether I've chosen selfishness or grace in our relationship, and whether I've allowed te differences between ourselves to leave me bitter or make me better.
Humans are crazy and all of us have the potential to bring baggage and strength into our relationships (specifically, marriages).
My husband was the first man I dated. I definitely had my share of unrequited love before him (what teenager really made it into adulthood who can say differently?), but he was my first "mine", my first kiss, my first vows.
A friend of mine recently cited her reasons for bringing an end to her relationship with her boyfriend. In her list of incompatibilities between the two within her own relationship, she succeeded in describing the differences between me and my husband perfectly. It is not the differences or compatibility between our personalities that determine whether or not we will be happy together, it is the security, admiration, and delight in the character of the other.
if you can strip every aspect of your man how it applies to you and see him how is, period, you will discover either a man you admire and deeply respect, or a man of whom you neither approve nor trust. The essential part of the character is what always brings two back to each other through the harder points in a marriage; and if it's not their, it's best to leave it at the curb: your marriage should not be influenced by your biological clock, it should be influenced by your joy in that person.
The issue is not how many men you date and how many discoveries you make about the faults of theirs that drive you crazy or the habits of yours that did not work with them- the issue is if you believe you are always going to have more reason to stay together than to break up. If you can't imagine breaking up with your man, stay together: if you can imagine breaking up, and with ease, it's probably best you do so sooner than later.0 -
Firstly your relationship with Chris is not healthy. If you move with him you will be isolated from friends and family and that is exactly what he will want. He has no reason to distrust you, yet seems that he wants to control your life. This is not good.
Love should be easy not difficult. Your ex is in the past and you can still have a fresh start and stay in the same place. Be strong and be on your own and your soul mate will find you. Don't settle for anything less x0 -
Do you really know he was your soul mate though? That's my worry.:ohwell:
You never do, honey. You never really know if you'll be together forever. You need to keep making that commitment every day. (married 14 years, two kids, mortgage)
BTW - I really recommend the book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work"0 -
Maybe you have daddy issues or some childhood trauma that's caused you not to trust people, but whatever the reason, here's some honest advice.
If you leave a relationship every time you have doubts, are unsure of something, or think you might be missing out on something better - you will never find the right person. Everyone has doubts, everyone goes through times of not trusting their SO. Trust is earned over time, and if you're that distrusting that you let something someone else said to you (Chris telling you not to trust Simon) get to you, make you paranoid, and convinced yourself it should end the relationship... I think it's more about your own issues, issues with commitment and trust issues.
These things take time to get over - not hopping from one relationship to another. Sorry if that's mean, but that's what I think.
I already know I DO have trust and commitment issues. I shouldn't let those hold me back, but I also don't want to be stupid, you know?
How do you get over those kinds of issues?
Just a shot in the dark here but ummmmmm therapy?0 -
Never trust a guy named Chris, and never trust a fart.
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Logically - if you have to go on MFP and ask for anonymous advice you have problems too big to solve here and are not ready to settle down. And, at 26, your clock IS NOT TICKING! That's just your stomach growling. If you were 36 your clock would be ticking. Connect the dots - if you have to ask these questions that is really your inner voice telling you you're not ready. Date until there are no questions whatsoever in your mind and * BINGO * that will be the right guy. And, with the risk of sounding snarky, just from reading your post you sound really immature which also indicates you're not ready. I'm 55 and feeling a little maternal here so you'll have to forgive me.
Focus on YOU, not guys, and you'll be a whole lot happier in the long run. And the bonus is you'll meet better men.
"That's not your clock ticking, that's just your stomach growling" made me laugh!! Haha, thank you for this, and for your positive contribution to my situation!:flowerforyou:
Maybe I should move with Chris and still live separately. Anyone want to weigh in on that idea?
At this point you havent listened to ANYTHING everyone has told you about the warning signs.
Good luck to you in your decision. You get what you deserve at this point.0 -
Haha I hope to god this is a joke. Scrolling through for gifs :drinker:
If not...if you're really questioning if you should date three more guys, you most likely haven't met the right one,
I met the right guy, and the number of guys I have dated in the past, as well as any history with them no longer matter. When you only have eyes for one person, and you know that they're the right one, all of this would be laughable to you.
Judging from your post, be single and party it up- he's clearly not it.0 -
After a few weeks, Chris and I randomly started dating, so now me and him are together and have been for two months. It's great because I know I can trust him. My ex never checked up on me, but Chris is interested in who I was talking to on the phone or who is PMing me here or he just calls me to see where I am and what I'm doing at different points during the day.
Sometimes he gets jealous of other guys flirting with me. He really cares and it's adorable.
This paragraph concerns me. Obviously I don't know your life your your relationship, but it sounds like he's really overbearing. A lot of women think it's "sweet" when in fact it can be quite dangerous. I just graduated university with a certificate in victim advocacy, and one of the main things I learned is that these little things like checking up on you, asking who you're talking to, etc. can be warning signs of MAJOR problems down the road. Just something to keep in mind.
Also, you mentioned your friends and family don't like him. Now obviously it's your life and you should do what you want, but I learned the hard way that sometimes it's really worth listening to what your friends have to say. I've dated a couple guys who I thought were perfect, and I ignored my friends who didn't like them. Looking back on those relationships, I should've listened to what people around me said.
So in my opinion, this doesn't sound like the greatest of relationships and I don't think you should rush into marrying this guy. Follow your heart though, it's your choice.0 -
Maybe you have daddy issues or some childhood trauma that's caused you not to trust people, but whatever the reason, here's some honest advice.
If you leave a relationship every time you have doubts, are unsure of something, or think you might be missing out on something better - you will never find the right person. Everyone has doubts, everyone goes through times of not trusting their SO. Trust is earned over time, and if you're that distrusting that you let something someone else said to you (Chris telling you not to trust Simon) get to you, make you paranoid, and convinced yourself it should end the relationship... I think it's more about your own issues, issues with commitment and trust issues.
These things take time to get over - not hopping from one relationship to another. Sorry if that's mean, but that's what I think.
I already know I DO have trust and commitment issues. I shouldn't let those hold me back, but I also don't want to be stupid, you know?
How do you get over those kinds of issues?
Just a shot in the dark here but ummmmmm therapy?
Hard for a therapist to cure trust issues if you don't trust people (therapists included).0 -
Firstly your relationship with Chris is not healthy. If you move with him you will be isolated from friends and family and that is exactly what he will want. He has no reason to distrust you, yet seems that he wants to control your life. This is not good.
Love should be easy not difficult. Your ex is in the past and you can still have a fresh start and stay in the same place. Be strong and be on your own and your soul mate will find you. Don't settle for anything less x
THIS, right here. C'mon girl, I've been there/done that/got the f*ckin merit badge.
Yea the "I'm just checking on you" phone calls/text msgs are cute at first. After a few years of that *kitten* you WILL get sick of it. This is an abusive relationship in the making. Anyone who is trying to keep track of you during the day and who you are talking to, well that just SCREAMS control freak.
Good luck!0 -
Everything you're saying says two things to me - 1) you're emotional age is about 16, not 26 and 2) you're not ready to commit to anything except a new pair of shoes.0
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Haha I hope to god this is a joke. Scrolling through for gifs :drinker:
In for gifs
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Maybe you have daddy issues or some childhood trauma that's caused you not to trust people, but whatever the reason, here's some honest advice.
If you leave a relationship every time you have doubts, are unsure of something, or think you might be missing out on something better - you will never find the right person. Everyone has doubts, everyone goes through times of not trusting their SO. Trust is earned over time, and if you're that distrusting that you let something someone else said to you (Chris telling you not to trust Simon) get to you, make you paranoid, and convinced yourself it should end the relationship... I think it's more about your own issues, issues with commitment and trust issues.
These things take time to get over - not hopping from one relationship to another. Sorry if that's mean, but that's what I think.
I already know I DO have trust and commitment issues. I shouldn't let those hold me back, but I also don't want to be stupid, you know?
How do you get over those kinds of issues?
Just a shot in the dark here but ummmmmm therapy?
Hard for a therapist to cure trust issues if you don't trust people (therapists included).
This is really true. Ever seen Good Will Hunting? Yeaaaah. :laugh:0 -
^THIS0 -
That depends on a few things."That's not your clock ticking, that's just your stomach growling" made me laugh!! Haha, thank you for this, and for your positive contribution to my situation!:flowerforyou:
Maybe I should move with Chris and still live separately. Anyone want to weigh in on that idea?
Is the relationship at a point where you feel that this might be 'the one', and moving will allow you to be near him?
If you don't move, will you be able to trust him?
Is it worth moving because of a relationship and leaving your current family/friends/work/social life/city?
Can you afford to move to another city and stay independant (i.e. you won't have to move in with him because of finances).
I'm still saying he has red flags (and while I know you may be potentially brushing off all our comments, please take a further look into controlling and/or abusive relationships, if anything so that you're armed with more knowledge for the future), and it's a serious commitment to YOURSELF to pick up and move to a different city, let alone the relationship.
If you're serious about this, then there's another pro/con list you're going to have to make up for moving, but if you're determined to stay with him, then at least living on your own is a good thing. While I didn't move for a relationship (but for a job), it's hard not being far away from friends/family/familiar territory.0 -
Firstly your relationship with Chris is not healthy. If you move with him you will be isolated from friends and family and that is exactly what he will want. He has no reason to distrust you, yet seems that he wants to control your life. This is not good.
Love should be easy not difficult. Your ex is in the past and you can still have a fresh start and stay in the same place. Be strong and be on your own and your soul mate will find you. Don't settle for anything less x
THIS, right here. C'mon girl, I've been there/done that/got the f*ckin merit badge.
Yea the "I'm just checking on you" phone calls/text msgs are cute at first. After a few years of that *kitten* you WILL get sick of it. This is an abusive relationship in the making. Anyone who is trying to keep track of you during the day and who you are talking to, well that just SCREAMS control freak.
Good luck!
This is spot on I'm afraid, it is all part of power and control in an abusive relationship. These are the early stages, not saying he will beat you but he will control you and get you to a point where you are uncomfortable around men "in case" they flirt with you :noway:0 -
Past experience has taught me if your immediate family doesn't like him MOVE ON. They can obviously see something you can't/are blinded to.0
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so technically you're not with anyone right now?
Why not go have some fun, hook up with 3 randoms, meet your quota and go from there. You might accidentally find what you're looking for while you're having fun.
This is just rude.
I am with Christ.
Then date him the next three times he's resurrected. BOOM! You're in like Flynn.
^^^This...this right here made me laugh very hard...Well done0 -
That depends on a few things."That's not your clock ticking, that's just your stomach growling" made me laugh!! Haha, thank you for this, and for your positive contribution to my situation!:flowerforyou:
Maybe I should move with Chris and still live separately. Anyone want to weigh in on that idea?
Is the relationship at a point where you feel that this might be 'the one', and moving will allow you to be near him?
If you don't move, will you be able to trust him?
Is it worth moving because of a relationship and leaving your current family/friends/work/social life/city?
Can you afford to move to another city and stay independant (i.e. you won't have to move in with him because of finances).
I'm still saying he has red flags (and while I know you may be potentially brushing off all our comments, please take a further look into controlling and/or abusive relationships, if anything so that you're armed with more knowledge for the future), and it's a serious commitment to YOURSELF to pick up and move to a different city, let alone the relationship.
If you're serious about this, then there's another pro/con list you're going to have to make up for moving, but if you're determined to stay with him, then at least living on your own is a good thing. While I didn't move for a relationship (but for a job), it's hard not being far away from friends/family/familiar territory.
At this point I am not really worried about trusting Chris, I think we're good in that department. Yes, the controlling stuff I am thinking about, not just brushing off, but honestly, he doesn't do it in a creepy way, but more in an interested way.
Doesn't someone who cares about another person naturally want to know the things they're doing and what is happening in their lives?0 -
12??? 12??? I thought the magic number was 42!!!!!!!!!
Well 42 is the answer to the universe.0
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