HELP! Should I date three more??
Replies
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:noway: Ok, so did you actually ever even have a mature, adult conversation with Simon to ask him about the cheating, or did you just take Chris' word for it?
And the "checking up" on you, and the asking who you're talking to, and wanting to know where you are/where you've been...that's called CONTROL, not caring! And it's BAD in a relationship...very bad.
12? Peculiar number. And how long must you "date" each person to consider it having dated them? Once for a quickie? A dinner and a movie? 6 months? A year? And then, does that mean #13 is Mr. Right? Or do you have go to back and pick one of the 12? I'd like to see the research behind that number. I'm sure they've had to do some sort of research to come up with a number like that.
I never dated 12 people...married once, divorced (hmmm..he always wanted to know where I was, who I was with, who I was talking to, and why I wasn't always sitting at the phone waiting for his call when he was away, accused me of cheating on him when the reality was he was cheating on me, etc.) and married now a second time to a great man. We've been together for 12 years now. I no where near dated 12 guys, even if you go all the way back to 6th grade and start counting from there (and I am many years out of 6th grade!)
You need to search yourself for the answer(s) to your question(s), not look for them on a public forum. Your life will be riddled with mistakes and "should have"s and such, but the key is to learn the lesson(s) intended, pick yourself up and keep moving forward. If Chris is the one, great. If not, then let him move away, keep in touch now and then, but look around. Only you can make that decision.
I absolutely didn't just take Chris's word for it! That would be stupid! I checked, but I found myself doubting Simon all the time, so I couldn't keep on like that.
I'm glad your journey has become happier.0 -
I think you've all been had.0
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Can you not see the red flags? He's checking up on you at random times through out the day? Wants to know whos talking to you? all the time? now wants you to move away from your home base?
And if you're worried you might miss "your soul mate" clearly he AIN'T it...
Man there are all kinds of crazy out there!!! :huh:0 -
So you are with the guy who suggested that your boyfriend was cheating and he is always wanting to know who you are talking to?? It's because he KNOWS your ex wants you back and is contacting you... he probably made the whole thing up....
I agree.. that is what i thought also.
This is really unkind to assume about someone.
I haven't mentioned my ex contacting me to him, obviously, because that would be awkward, but you really are looking for the worst in people.
Are they still on speaking terms, or did this break their friendship? Does Simon know you left because of what Chris said? Does Simon know you have been dating Chris?
I'm not really sure. I think they see each other in groups sometimes. Simon knows I am with Chris, but I never told Simon it was Chris who said he was cheating. I just said "someone."0 -
I think you've all been had.
I think you're just here to cause trouble.0 -
I think you've all been had.
I had that same thought, but it's like a train wreck, I can't stop watching.0 -
Can you not see the red flags? He's checking up on you at random times through out the day? Wants to know whos talking to you? all the time? now wants you to move away from your home base?
And if you're worried you might miss "your soul mate" clearly he AIN'T it...
Man there are all kinds of crazy out there!!! :huh:
Yep.0 -
Are they still on speaking terms, or did this break their friendship? Does Simon know you left because of what Chris said? Does Simon know you have been dating Chris?
I'm not really sure. I think they see each other in groups sometimes. Simon knows I am with Chris, but I never told Simon it was Chris who said he was cheating. I just said "someone."
He knows.0 -
OK, mfpeeps. I have issues. I broke up with my boyfriend Simon a few months ago because one of his friends (Chris) told me Simon might be cheating. I couldn't prove it, but of course I broke up with Simon because it isn't worth it to me to stay in a relationship where I can't trust someone. :ohwell:
After a few weeks, Chris and I randomly started dating, so now me and him are together and have been for two months. It's great because I know I can trust him. My ex never checked up on me, but Chris is interested in who I was talking to on the phone or who is PMing me here or he just calls me to see where I am and what I'm doing at different points during the day.
Sometimes he gets jealous of other guys flirting with me. He really cares and it's adorable.
The problem is that even though we have been together two whole months, he has to move for his job and wants me to go with him. He wants to get married. I'm 26 and my biological clock is ticking, so I'm not totally against it. Add to that the fact that my ex is calling me lately saying he wants to work things out so obviously I really need to get out of the San Diego area.
But I'm a really scientific person. That's why I tend to do badly in relationships. Anyway, studies show that you should date 12 people before you choose one to settle down with, and I've only dated 9. :noway: (I found that in Wired magazine, they are just great). I can't ask my family and friends because they are biased and really liked my ex and don't like Chris, but I need input. What do I do? Do I risk not dating three more people? What if I miss my soul mate? And what if Chris is the best man I'll ever know and I let him go? :sad: :sad:
I know the forums get snarky sometimes and I do have a sense of humor and inteligence, but I'm actually looking for real advice here, not rudeness. After all, we're all here for the same reasons. :flowerforyou:
Just break up!
Then bang me for a week,. Then break up with me. Repeat two more times with other guys.
Get back together with Chris.
SImple!0 -
Aside from the fact that I think Simon sounds creepy... here is the truth
If you feel that you have to have 12 relationships before you settle down, you've already doomed each one to fail, because you mentally set the block that "until its twelve, none of these will be right for me."
Love is deciding every single morning to love the person you are with, it takes conscious decisions and actions, and a hell of a lot of sacrifice for BOTH people.
The fact that you posted this, and reading through you responses, says to me that you are not ready. Maybe you should listen to your support group, just ebcause it isnt what you WANT to hear, it ight be what you NEED to hear.
WOW.
Oh my god. you should be a therapist, I'm serious. This one thing was like... amazing help. "you've already doomed each one to fail" is scary and real! This is amazingly helpful. I know you're kind of bein snarky here, but it worked.
I wasn't trying to be snarky, just straight up honest. I come from a pretty-snarky family though, so maybe it oozed out accidentally. :ohwell:
I wish you all the best, truly, but I think you need to evaluate your various relationships with people. And then, on that list of relationships you think you need to have, add one that is just you. Are you happy and healthy when you are alone? Have you ever tried to just be with yourself? I mean that in every sense. Be your own boyfriend/girlfriend/best friend. Don't exclude people, thats not what I'm saying, but no matter how close you ever get to someone, in the end the only person you can really take care of and be responsible for is yourself. If you aren't ok to be YOU with YOU, and ON YOUR OWN, you aren't going to be ok to be you with anyone else, or for anyone else.
Everyone needs to try and have a relationship with themselves first, before they try and marry anyone. And, unfortunately, this is the relationship everyone is least likely to have.0 -
You're pretty.
Love it!0 -
I think you've all been had.
I had that same thought, but it's like a train wreck, I can't stop watching.
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Date a insecure control freak for two months and ask if you should get married/move/have children or bang out 3 more dudes?
Yeah, you are a keeper!
Talk about the rudeness. Most people here haven't been rude to me, but you are definitely a keeper yourself.0 -
Warning Signs of Abusive Relationships
EXTREME JEALOUSY
Jealousy is a sign of insecurity and lack of trust, but the abuser will say that it is a sign of love. The abuser will question the victim about who they talk to, accuse them of flirting, or be jealous of time spent with their friends, family, or children. The abuser may refuse to let the victim work or go to school for fear of meeting someone else. The abuser may call the victim frequently or drop by unexpectedly. The abuser may accuse the victim of flirting with someone else or having an affair.
Check - But it's so adorable - it means he CARES for me!
CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR
One partner completely rules the relationship and makes the decisions. This includes “checking up” on the victim, timing a victim when they leave the house, checking the odometer on the car, questioning the victim about where they go. They may also check the victim’s cell phone for call history, their email or website history. The abuser may control the finances and tries to tell the victim how to dress, who to talk to, and where to go.
Check - but it means he cares and loves me!
QUICK INVOLVEMENT
The abuser comes on strong at the beginning of the relationship, pressuring for a commitment and claims “Love at first sight” or “You’re the only person I could ever talk to”, or “I never met anyone like you before”. Often, in the beginning of a relationship, the abuser is very charming and romantic and the love is intense.
Check - move away with me and let's get married. Who cares if it's only been 2 months?
UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS
Abusers expect their partners to meet all their needs and be “perfect”. They may say things like “If you love me, then I’m all you need”.
Not enough info from OP, but I suspect you can check this one off the list also.
ISOLATION
The abuser tries to keep the victim from friends and family by putting down everyone the victim knows, including their family and friends. They may keep the victim from going to work or school.
Check - move away with me, away from your family, friends, job, etc
BLAMES OTHERS FOR THEIR PROBLEMS AND FEELINGS
The abuser does not take responsibility for their problems, blaming others (usually the victim) for almost everything (“you made me mad”).
HYPERSENSITIVITY
An abuser is easily insulted and takes everything as a personal attack and blows things out of proportion.
CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN
The abuser may punish animals brutally or be insensitive to their pain. They may have unfair expectations of children or tease them until they cry.
“PLAYFUL” USE OF FORCE IN SEX
The abuser may throw or hold their partner down during sex, may pressure their partner into having sex, may demand sex when their partner is tired or ill or doesn’t want to have sex. They may ask the victim to do things they do not want to do.
VERBAL ABUSE
The abuser says cruel and harmful things to their victim, degrades them, curses at them, calls them names, or puts down their accomplishments. The abuser tells their victims they are stupid, and unable to function without them. They embarrass and put down the victim in front of others as well.
RIGID SEX ROLES
The abuser believes in rigid gender roles and sees women as inferior to men and unable to have their own identity. They may see men as the “master of his castle”.
DR. JECKYL AND MR. HYDE
The abuser experiences severe mood swings and the victim may think the abuser has a mental health problem. One minute they can be charming and sweet and the next minute they become angry and explosive. Explosiveness and moodiness are typical of people who beat their partners.
PAST BATTERING
The abuser has a history of past battering of partners and although they may admit to that, they say their previous partner provoked them to do it. A batterer will beat any partner they are with if the person is with them long enough for the violence to begin; situational circumstances do not cause a person to have an abusive relationship.
THREATS OF VIOLENCE
This includes any threat or physical force meant to control the victim: “I’ll kill you”, “I’ll break your neck”, “If you ever leave, I’ll kill you.”
BREAKING OR STRIKING OBJECTS
This behavior is used as a punishment (breaking treasured possessions), but is mostly used to terrorize the victim into submission. The abuser may break or strike objects near the victim to frighten them.
ANY FORCE DURING AN ARGUMENT
The abuser may hold the victim down, restrain them from leaving the room, may push, shove, or hold them against a wall.
HEY, only 5 out of 15 indicator of an abusive relationship. Yep, he's a real keeper.0 -
I agree with your family, I don't like Chris either.
If Chris is checking up on you while you are just dating, it'll only get worse. He sounds rather controlling.0 -
I think chris deserves you ....
wouldnt want you upsetting any more men being as you re waiting for a twelth to mug off...
I am not trying to be snarky, but seriously... WHA?0 -
You say you checked, but you originally told us you found no proof.I absolutely didn't just take Chris's word for it! That would be stupid! I checked, but I found myself doubting Simon all the time, so I couldn't keep on like that.
I'm glad your journey has become happier.
So if you found out that he did, and it wasn't just Chris' word, then you should have some proof that he did cheat on you.
Or is the only evidence you have Chris' word, but because that put a seed of doubt in your head, along with the reminders from Chris, that's what caused you to break up because you said that you broke up with Simon because 'someone' told you that he cheated on you.
So which is it? You have proof beyond Chris' word (and your own doubts), or you don't?0 -
I absolutely didn't just take Chris's word for it! That would be stupid! I checked, but I found myself doubting Simon all the time, so I couldn't keep on like that.
Holy smokes! That's incontrovertible proof!
I apologize for my snarky response earlier. I originally thought you were kind of a b!tch for dumping Simon, who looks completely innocent. But now I see what an creepy *kitten* that guy is.0 -
You say you checked, but you originally told us you found no proof.I absolutely didn't just take Chris's word for it! That would be stupid! I checked, but I found myself doubting Simon all the time, so I couldn't keep on like that.
I'm glad your journey has become happier.
So if you found out that he did, and it wasn't just Chris' word, then you should have some proof that he did cheat on you.
Or is the only evidence you have Chris' word, but because that put a seed of doubt in your head, along with the reminders from Chris, that's what caused you to break up because you said that you broke up with Simon because 'someone' told you that he cheated on you.
So which is it? You have proof beyond Chris' word (and your own doubts), or you don't?
Girls just know things. Get with the program.0 -
You're pretty.
Love it!
The OP reminds me of Daniela Ruah of NCIS Los Angeles.
Summing up - Simon wasn't the one, Chris ain't the one. Take some time to learn who you are.0 -
You have GOT to be kidding. If not, you're since of what a good relationship is is totally warped. Good luck honey, you need it.
I admitted I am bad at relationships. This is not very supportive.
may not be supportive, but Chris sounds like a wack job...have fun in your disaster of a relationship. If you're that analytical, then you should see the red flags all over the place! and it's bad that you're dating your ex's friend, totally inconsiderate of you.
THIS! This Chris guy is not trustworthy if he's willing to convince you to break up with your ex and then start dating him.
You seem gullible and nieve. More so than I would think from someone who's dating 9 other men in the past.
Wait, are you just giving us the plot lines from some soap opera (or Novela) you've been watching? Teen Mom maybe?
Wow. Just wow. There's a lot of racism here. Did you just say Novela because I am brown? I mean, I know what they are but that's kind of rude. :noway:
And I don't watch Teen Mom (or other reality TV) or soap operas/telenovelas.0 -
I am with Christ.
I mean Chris
Now that's funny.0 -
I'm sorry, I have not read the entire thread of replies but am I the only freaking person who thinks there's something weird about the fact that you didn't even talk to your ex or have any proof he was sleeping around but take one of his friends word on it and then a couple of months later you are dating said friend who is really jealous and wants to marry you and take you away from where you live?
Next you're going to tell me he keeps bloody tarps and a shovel by the back porch.0 -
Ergh here was me thinking this thread was a joke......0
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Usually if your friends and family don't like a guy, there's a good reason for it. If not one of them likes Chris, its a huge red flag!0
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You say you checked, but you originally told us you found no proof.I absolutely didn't just take Chris's word for it! That would be stupid! I checked, but I found myself doubting Simon all the time, so I couldn't keep on like that.
I'm glad your journey has become happier.
So if you found out that he did, and it wasn't just Chris' word, then you should have some proof that he did cheat on you.
Or is the only evidence you have Chris' word, but because that put a seed of doubt in your head, along with the reminders from Chris, that's what caused you to break up because you said that you broke up with Simon because 'someone' told you that he cheated on you.
So which is it? You have proof beyond Chris' word (and your own doubts), or you don't?
I said I checked and found no proof. That doesn't mean it didn't happen, it means he just didn't leave tracks. OR maybe he was totally innocent, again, I can't be sure. But that's why I had to break up with him: I couldn't be sure and the not knowing was really killing me.0 -
Pretty sure this is a troll thread.
Future victim is picking fights instead of taking any advice whatsoever.
ABANDON THREAD.0 -
Usually if your friends and family don't like a guy, there's a good reason for it. If not one of them likes Chris, its a huge red flag!
The reason is they're jealous of her ability to score such an awesome mate. This is obvious.
When family rejects your choice of partner, it means you've found a winner who is out of your league. You have to hold onto him like your life depends on it.0 -
Seriously, my mother always told me that if there is ANY doubt about what you want to do, the answer is no. In addition to that, you may find being checked up on amusing and charming now, but it sounds like he has jealous tendencies, and in a marriage that is not amusing or sweet. It will only get worse. I think you need to date ATLEAST three more before you settle down. 26 is not really old enough to "need" to settle down. Best of luck to you.0
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Pretty sure this is a troll thread.
Future victim is picking fights instead of taking any advice whatsoever.
ABANDON THREAD.
I agree..0
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