overweight and relationships

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  • TimedEventSystem
    TimedEventSystem Posts: 60
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    "put those oreos back you're supposed to be smaller not fatter"
    "are you ever gonna be skinny"
    "can you try eating once a day"

    "oh don't mind me i'm just on a porn kick"



    no offense but it sounds like there is more stuff going on with him that has nothing to do with you gaining 12 lbs.

    ^ Exactly!!!
  • navybrat84
    navybrat84 Posts: 54
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    Im not going to lie, it does hurt sometimes. I have excused myself to cry quietly in the bathromm. I really want to believe that loves me for me. I have never had a personal problem with my weight. But husband has for several months now. Then the whold pregnancy thing. Im not using the pregnacy as an excuse for the weight gain, just being honest. I ate what I craved. We have not been married that long, two years. We met and married very quickly. its been rough. Im a full time student, about to enter my masters program. He is a Union electrican. He has not had work in about a year. We have been surviving on his unemployment. I was working at school library, but took the summer off.
    I noticed the change in him about 4 months ago. He was acting strange, always gone. Hiding the cell phone, deleting history on comp. Finally he said he was erasing the porn from phone and comp. I cant stop him from watching, at first it really hurt. But I guess I block it out now. He used to comment on my hair and makeup, or certain outfits. But not anymore.Now if Im on comp for too loong he says. Are you going to wash dishes, I dont want you to hurt your bakc or anything. Just stupid comments like that.


    this is my second marriage and I really dont want to get divorced again. I am trying to just ignore the comments. I hoping he will 'get over it' or just stop.

    I dont want to feel this way anymore, I want to feel.......well, i want to feel WANTED.

    IDK what to do anymore. I have never been with anyone who has made so many comments about my weight. Oh god does any of this even make sense??
  • KaleidoscopeEyes1056
    KaleidoscopeEyes1056 Posts: 2,996 Member
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    I know that my weight has effected my relationship... but it is internally driven (Don't feel confident, don't feel worthy/ attractive.) Not externally...

    I would absolutely talk to my husband if he had made those comments. You wouldn't say those things to your best friend... so why are you letting anyone say them to you?

    This. My weight loss affected my relationship, but it was all on my end, not my boyfriend's. He still thought the same about me, and never discouraged me from eating (not even from eating bad food) I don't think you're in a healthy relationship right now. Maybe talk to him about it or maybe even seek couples' counseling.
  • infamousmk
    infamousmk Posts: 6,033 Member
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    Sweetheart - he is not respecting you at all. Porn is okay, everyone can and should look, but if he's deleting his history and *hiding his phone* my gut leads me to think there is something more going on.
  • TimedEventSystem
    TimedEventSystem Posts: 60
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    Not wanting to get divorced is not a reason to be abused. Sometimes when you're enveloped in darkness, you have to be your own light source. Find your confidence again and you'll come to the right decision. Although, all of that is easier said than done.

    I wish you luck. :)
  • Sarah_Wins
    Sarah_Wins Posts: 936 Member
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    Sorry, I know this doesn't help, but your husband is an asshat.
  • infamousmk
    infamousmk Posts: 6,033 Member
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    this is my second marriage and I really dont want to get divorced again. I am trying to just ignore the comments. I hoping he will 'get over it' or just stop.

    I dont want to feel this way anymore, I want to feel.......well, i want to feel WANTED.

    IDK what to do anymore. I have never been with anyone who has made so many comments about my weight. Oh god does any of this even make sense??

    You can't just ignore the behavior and hope it goes away... he has to be shown that you will not stand for it. (and you shouldn't, btw). I'm on my second marriage too... and you know, I wouldn't want to get divorced again, but if my husband tried to pull this sh|t on me... well, I'd rather be single.
  • Heatherjg0419
    Heatherjg0419 Posts: 52 Member
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    I'm with everyone else. You need to talk to your husband. Making you feel bad about your food choices is not going to help you make better choices. First, he should love you for you, not what you weigh ... and second, he should be supportive. If he had said "Let's not have the Oreos in the house" ... that would be fine.

    I get that he thinks he's joking. My fiance has said something like that to me. And we had a serious discussion, because it hurt and it really put a crimp in my ability to trust his love for me for a long while. But he apologized and I believe he legitimately thought he was joking with me. And he's not said anything like that since. And has been supportive of my eating healthily.
  • navybrat84
    navybrat84 Posts: 54
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    I have asked about counseling, he is not interested in spending the money. i have also told him several times that his comments sometimes hurt my feelings. He says im just a sensitive person and I should take his comments as positive. "telling you your fat should not hurt you, it should help you!!"
  • ElizabethRoad
    ElizabethRoad Posts: 5,138 Member
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    this is my second marriage and I really dont want to get divorced again. I am trying to just ignore the comments. I hoping he will 'get over it' or just stop.
    Honey, the way you prevent yourself from getting a divorce is to talk to him about it NOW before it gets out of hand.
  • KaleidoscopeEyes1056
    KaleidoscopeEyes1056 Posts: 2,996 Member
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    this is my second marriage and I really dont want to get divorced again. I am trying to just ignore the comments. I hoping he will 'get over it' or just stop.

    I understand the sentiment of not wanting to get a second divorce, but this kind of comes off as a level of emotional abuse to me. It needs to stop for your sanity, and maybe he doesn't understand how it affects you. Bring it up to him and see if he responds to it at all. If not, like I suggested earlier, marriage counseling.
  • Vgrindle
    Vgrindle Posts: 23
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    I have. I gained about 50 pounds when my husband was deployed because I was depressed and lonely. When he got back things were never the same....he didnt pay attention to me, we pretty much stopped having sex and he treated me like a lesser person. I hadn't realized I had gained that much but it got really bad last fall when he told me he wished he had never married me...this of course was after we had had our first and only child. I gained 15 more pounds after that had happened and woke up and realized that if anything I needed to get in shape and get healthy, if for any reason for my little girl. So far I've lost 29 lbs and my husband has been treating me better but the things he has said and done to me will hurt forever. You need to set him straight now, love should NOT be conditional and he should NEVER say those sorts of things to you, even as a "joke".
  • futurestarz
    futurestarz Posts: 510
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    It makes me sad to read this. Like someone else said, it sounds like there is a lot more going on with your husband other than your weight...I know a lot of schools offer free counseling. Maybe it is something you can look into.

    If you both are truly committed to making the relationship work, then you cannot ignore mean/degrading/disrespectful comments. No one deserves to be emotionally abused.
  • Cristin129
    Cristin129 Posts: 49
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    I highly suggest counseling. That is not ok how he is treating you. To be perfectly honest here, are you sure he doesn't have someone on the side? Time for him to be accountable for his actions! (((HUGS))) Stand proud...and don't tolerate his mistreatment. You don't deserve it!
  • mariewithers
    mariewithers Posts: 27
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    Wake up and smell the coffee hun!! Why are you still there? Isn't it bad enough that you miscarried without him choosing porn over you, and making unfunny jokes at your expense! Pack up and move on, life really is too short for rubbish like that! My marriage vows from my husband included "love, honour and cherish" and he wed me with his "body".
  • AmandaInGA
    AmandaInGA Posts: 122 Member
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    Im not going to lie, it does hurt sometimes. I have excused myself to cry quietly in the bathromm. I really want to believe that loves me for me. I have never had a personal problem with my weight. But husband has for several months now. Then the whold pregnancy thing. Im not using the pregnacy as an excuse for the weight gain, just being honest. I ate what I craved. We have not been married that long, two years. We met and married very quickly. its been rough. Im a full time student, about to enter my masters program. He is a Union electrican. He has not had work in about a year. We have been surviving on his unemployment. I was working at school library, but took the summer off.
    I noticed the change in him about 4 months ago. He was acting strange, always gone. Hiding the cell phone, deleting history on comp. Finally he said he was erasing the porn from phone and comp. I cant stop him from watching, at first it really hurt. But I guess I block it out now. He used to comment on my hair and makeup, or certain outfits. But not anymore.Now if Im on comp for too loong he says. Are you going to wash dishes, I dont want you to hurt your bakc or anything. Just stupid comments like that.


    this is my second marriage and I really dont want to get divorced again. I am trying to just ignore the comments. I hoping he will 'get over it' or just stop.

    I dont want to feel this way anymore, I want to feel.......well, i want to feel WANTED.

    IDK what to do anymore. I have never been with anyone who has made so many comments about my weight. Oh god does any of this even make sense??

    Personally, what I would do is first, ignore his comments!! Second, work really hard to lose the 12 lbs plus more if you want to, wait for him to get interested in me again, and then drop him. When he asks why, I would tell him "You didn't want me when I was a little heavy, and now that I am hot and sexy, I can do so much better than you... Buh bye now!"
  • KaleidoscopeEyes1056
    KaleidoscopeEyes1056 Posts: 2,996 Member
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    I have asked about counseling, he is not interested in spending the money. i have also told him several times that his comments sometimes hurt my feelings. He says im just a sensitive person and I should take his comments as positive. "telling you your fat should not hurt you, it should help you!!"

    No, maybe telling you once that you could do something to be more healthy (ie, exercise more or eat right) and then make an effort to help you out with it would help you. Just telling you that you're fat does nothing of the sort. I really think you would benefit from counseling, more than you would benefit from the relationship.
  • elelat
    elelat Posts: 117
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    But I sometimes feel like less of a person because of my weight.

    Step 1: ERASE THE THOUGHT AT ONCE!, IMMEDIATELY!

    The rest shall be added unto you.


    Btw, I have experienced very similar comments and thoughts.
  • navybrat84
    navybrat84 Posts: 54
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    I daydream about my life before my husband. The friends I had on outings with friends. I got asked out all the time. My guy friends always wanted to take me. They would say "your the most fun ever" "this was a great date" etc.

    I was the outgoing one. The fun one. Now, my friends dont even call me anymore. I have moved, a few hours away. We chat via email every so often (once or twice a month). My mom is constantly worried about me. She says I am not who I used to be. Im quiet now, I dont make freinds, I dont go out.

    Sometimes I feel like Im just putting on a show. Acting like its 'all ok'. Im afraid to say Im miserable.
  • infamousmk
    infamousmk Posts: 6,033 Member
    Options
    Im not going to lie, it does hurt sometimes. I have excused myself to cry quietly in the bathromm. I really want to believe that loves me for me. I have never had a personal problem with my weight. But husband has for several months now. Then the whold pregnancy thing. Im not using the pregnacy as an excuse for the weight gain, just being honest. I ate what I craved. We have not been married that long, two years. We met and married very quickly. its been rough. Im a full time student, about to enter my masters program. He is a Union electrican. He has not had work in about a year. We have been surviving on his unemployment. I was working at school library, but took the summer off.
    I noticed the change in him about 4 months ago. He was acting strange, always gone. Hiding the cell phone, deleting history on comp. Finally he said he was erasing the porn from phone and comp. I cant stop him from watching, at first it really hurt. But I guess I block it out now. He used to comment on my hair and makeup, or certain outfits. But not anymore.Now if Im on comp for too loong he says. Are you going to wash dishes, I dont want you to hurt your bakc or anything. Just stupid comments like that.


    this is my second marriage and I really dont want to get divorced again. I am trying to just ignore the comments. I hoping he will 'get over it' or just stop.

    I dont want to feel this way anymore, I want to feel.......well, i want to feel WANTED.

    IDK what to do anymore. I have never been with anyone who has made so many comments about my weight. Oh god does any of this even make sense??

    Personally, what I would do is first, ignore his comments!! Second, work really hard to lose the 12 lbs plus more if you want to, wait for him to get interested in me again, and then drop him. When he asks why, I would tell him "You didn't want me when I was a little heavy, and now that I am hot and sexy, I can do so much better than you... Buh bye now!"

    This is terrible advice. Adults talk about their feelings and communicate and work toward common goals.

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