overweight and relationships
Replies
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this is my second marriage and I really dont want to get divorced again. I am trying to just ignore the comments. I hoping he will 'get over it' or just stop.
I understand the sentiment of not wanting to get a second divorce, but this kind of comes off as a level of emotional abuse to me. It needs to stop for your sanity, and maybe he doesn't understand how it affects you. Bring it up to him and see if he responds to it at all. If not, like I suggested earlier, marriage counseling.0 -
I have. I gained about 50 pounds when my husband was deployed because I was depressed and lonely. When he got back things were never the same....he didnt pay attention to me, we pretty much stopped having sex and he treated me like a lesser person. I hadn't realized I had gained that much but it got really bad last fall when he told me he wished he had never married me...this of course was after we had had our first and only child. I gained 15 more pounds after that had happened and woke up and realized that if anything I needed to get in shape and get healthy, if for any reason for my little girl. So far I've lost 29 lbs and my husband has been treating me better but the things he has said and done to me will hurt forever. You need to set him straight now, love should NOT be conditional and he should NEVER say those sorts of things to you, even as a "joke".0
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It makes me sad to read this. Like someone else said, it sounds like there is a lot more going on with your husband other than your weight...I know a lot of schools offer free counseling. Maybe it is something you can look into.
If you both are truly committed to making the relationship work, then you cannot ignore mean/degrading/disrespectful comments. No one deserves to be emotionally abused.0 -
I highly suggest counseling. That is not ok how he is treating you. To be perfectly honest here, are you sure he doesn't have someone on the side? Time for him to be accountable for his actions! (((HUGS))) Stand proud...and don't tolerate his mistreatment. You don't deserve it!0
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Wake up and smell the coffee hun!! Why are you still there? Isn't it bad enough that you miscarried without him choosing porn over you, and making unfunny jokes at your expense! Pack up and move on, life really is too short for rubbish like that! My marriage vows from my husband included "love, honour and cherish" and he wed me with his "body".0
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Im not going to lie, it does hurt sometimes. I have excused myself to cry quietly in the bathromm. I really want to believe that loves me for me. I have never had a personal problem with my weight. But husband has for several months now. Then the whold pregnancy thing. Im not using the pregnacy as an excuse for the weight gain, just being honest. I ate what I craved. We have not been married that long, two years. We met and married very quickly. its been rough. Im a full time student, about to enter my masters program. He is a Union electrican. He has not had work in about a year. We have been surviving on his unemployment. I was working at school library, but took the summer off.
I noticed the change in him about 4 months ago. He was acting strange, always gone. Hiding the cell phone, deleting history on comp. Finally he said he was erasing the porn from phone and comp. I cant stop him from watching, at first it really hurt. But I guess I block it out now. He used to comment on my hair and makeup, or certain outfits. But not anymore.Now if Im on comp for too loong he says. Are you going to wash dishes, I dont want you to hurt your bakc or anything. Just stupid comments like that.
this is my second marriage and I really dont want to get divorced again. I am trying to just ignore the comments. I hoping he will 'get over it' or just stop.
I dont want to feel this way anymore, I want to feel.......well, i want to feel WANTED.
IDK what to do anymore. I have never been with anyone who has made so many comments about my weight. Oh god does any of this even make sense??
Personally, what I would do is first, ignore his comments!! Second, work really hard to lose the 12 lbs plus more if you want to, wait for him to get interested in me again, and then drop him. When he asks why, I would tell him "You didn't want me when I was a little heavy, and now that I am hot and sexy, I can do so much better than you... Buh bye now!"0 -
I have asked about counseling, he is not interested in spending the money. i have also told him several times that his comments sometimes hurt my feelings. He says im just a sensitive person and I should take his comments as positive. "telling you your fat should not hurt you, it should help you!!"
No, maybe telling you once that you could do something to be more healthy (ie, exercise more or eat right) and then make an effort to help you out with it would help you. Just telling you that you're fat does nothing of the sort. I really think you would benefit from counseling, more than you would benefit from the relationship.0 -
But I sometimes feel like less of a person because of my weight.
Step 1: ERASE THE THOUGHT AT ONCE!, IMMEDIATELY!
The rest shall be added unto you.
Btw, I have experienced very similar comments and thoughts.0 -
I daydream about my life before my husband. The friends I had on outings with friends. I got asked out all the time. My guy friends always wanted to take me. They would say "your the most fun ever" "this was a great date" etc.
I was the outgoing one. The fun one. Now, my friends dont even call me anymore. I have moved, a few hours away. We chat via email every so often (once or twice a month). My mom is constantly worried about me. She says I am not who I used to be. Im quiet now, I dont make freinds, I dont go out.
Sometimes I feel like Im just putting on a show. Acting like its 'all ok'. Im afraid to say Im miserable.0 -
Im not going to lie, it does hurt sometimes. I have excused myself to cry quietly in the bathromm. I really want to believe that loves me for me. I have never had a personal problem with my weight. But husband has for several months now. Then the whold pregnancy thing. Im not using the pregnacy as an excuse for the weight gain, just being honest. I ate what I craved. We have not been married that long, two years. We met and married very quickly. its been rough. Im a full time student, about to enter my masters program. He is a Union electrican. He has not had work in about a year. We have been surviving on his unemployment. I was working at school library, but took the summer off.
I noticed the change in him about 4 months ago. He was acting strange, always gone. Hiding the cell phone, deleting history on comp. Finally he said he was erasing the porn from phone and comp. I cant stop him from watching, at first it really hurt. But I guess I block it out now. He used to comment on my hair and makeup, or certain outfits. But not anymore.Now if Im on comp for too loong he says. Are you going to wash dishes, I dont want you to hurt your bakc or anything. Just stupid comments like that.
this is my second marriage and I really dont want to get divorced again. I am trying to just ignore the comments. I hoping he will 'get over it' or just stop.
I dont want to feel this way anymore, I want to feel.......well, i want to feel WANTED.
IDK what to do anymore. I have never been with anyone who has made so many comments about my weight. Oh god does any of this even make sense??
Personally, what I would do is first, ignore his comments!! Second, work really hard to lose the 12 lbs plus more if you want to, wait for him to get interested in me again, and then drop him. When he asks why, I would tell him "You didn't want me when I was a little heavy, and now that I am hot and sexy, I can do so much better than you... Buh bye now!"
This is terrible advice. Adults talk about their feelings and communicate and work toward common goals.0 -
My husband has never said anything about my weight issue. From time to time i would make a commit about needing to lose weight or how fat i was feeling to him. the only thing he would say is how beautiful i am and how he liks my big butt LOLOl.0
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If you are lost for words, just have him read your blog. I got sad after reading it. If he's a human being, he will feel your pain and stop doing the things that are making you feel sad.0
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If only I had the guts for that. to say bye after dropping the weight. i did erase the desktop pic. A random nude shot. "now thats hot"......... Oh my. Now with all of you commenting, I feel even more lost. I didnt want to get married again, it just kind of happened. He does not make me happy anymore. And for the first time, I look around my house and say to myself, "I would leave everything behind to just get away!"0
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Sounds like you married a douche bag. Coming from always being heavy and always dating attractive girls. I have never been so much as called fat from them at least during the relationship. I think if someone loves you they love you no matter what and trying to help you would be something more like hey baby I think we need to start getting more active and eating better. He says you are sensative well I am sure if you walked around calling him a bum and worthless for not having a job. He wouldn't consider that help.0
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It's less about the fact that you've gained 12 lbs and more about the fact that your husband is a jerk. Wow.0
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So, actually, if I'm reading this right, you had a miscarriage, gained a little weight, and now your husband puts you down and won't have sex with you. Maybe you should consider marriage counseling.
Or botulin toxin.
" Oh my dearest, have some more vichyssoise, you studly porn-aficionado. Oh, no, I shant eat any, it has more calories than a fist full of Oreos."0 -
What a great guy to always say your beautiful, where did you find him? lol Does he have a brother LOL jk 0 -
I have asked about counseling, he is not interested in spending the money. i have also told him several times that his comments sometimes hurt my feelings. He says im just a sensitive person and I should take his comments as positive. "telling you your fat should not hurt you, it should help you!!"
Start making comments about the fact that he is not working and how he isnt bringing enough money into the house, when he starts to get mad just, "you shouldn;t be so sensitive, I am just trying to help. this is a positive i am say to you" see how he likes the shoe on the other foot.
Yes, I am an evil evil girl 0 -
My husband started in with comments after I started MFP on March 1st.....He would say, "I thought you were on a diet" and "I thought you were watching your calories!?!?!?!"...
I finally snapped at him and said, "You're right..."I" am watching my calories...NOT YOU....ME...I AM WATCHING MY CALORIES!"
He hasn't said anything since and even got me a beautiful flower display and card when I lost my first 20 lbs.
Don't allow him to say those things to you and treat you like that. Put your foot down and demand (nicely) that he be better.
You can do it~0 -
thats terrible!! those are very hurtful words. i would address the issue now before you end up listening to the same words for years to come. my dad was nasty towards my mom and she still hasnt bounced back. words can have a lingering effect.0
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I can tell a huge difference in my relationship since I gained 80 lbs after quitting smoking. Not so much from my spouse- he's WAY to easy on me acutally. We've had to have the "stop enabling me" talk multiple times as he's always telling me how beautiful I am and all that. Which is nice, don't get me wrong, but I need motivation and having someone tell me how perfect and beautiful and wonderful I am fat is not encouraging me to lose weight. While I am a pretty confident person, I can tell a major difference in how I really feel interanally. On the outside I present myself as the same confindent person but inside I don't like what I see and am doing something about it.
I should add...that with all that ^ being said, if someone made those kind of remarks to me like your husband does I'd probably eat more out of fustration and being hurt. It's ok every now and then when said in a joking manner (if he knows your ok with it) but if it's something that bothers you...address it with him. You should always be able to talk to your spouse about your feelings no matter what. and If you can't then maybe there are some issues there that extend further than weight.0 -
His comments are flat out rude. Although we all have this perception that once we get married "he should love me regardless of what I look like" and while that may be true (he is still with you...) that doesn't mean we are always physically and sexually attracted to our significant others. I am not saying he is NOT attracted to you, but the fact that he makes those comments and seems to be addicted to porn and turning you down is not looking good. I would have a heart to heart with him, and if you want to lose weight for YOU, do it. Use his comments as motivation to push you harder!0
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There are a lot of worse things than being alone. I know that when I feel good about myself I want to work out and eat right. His putting you down is not going to help you lose weight, it's going to make it worse.0
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And you want to breed with this guy? He's a douche to you, what makes you think he'd be a good dad?
Sorry, but I completely don't understand getting married when you didn't want to. Doesn't sound like much of a relationship to me.0 -
ok and just some food for thought....I understand you want kids. Do you want them to have a father that is going to talk to them like he talks to you?? God Bless and I really hope you can do what is best for you.0
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Im not going to lie, it does hurt sometimes. I have excused myself to cry quietly in the bathromm. I really want to believe that loves me for me. I have never had a personal problem with my weight. But husband has for several months now. Then the whold pregnancy thing. Im not using the pregnacy as an excuse for the weight gain, just being honest. I ate what I craved. We have not been married that long, two years. We met and married very quickly. its been rough. Im a full time student, about to enter my masters program. He is a Union electrican. He has not had work in about a year. We have been surviving on his unemployment. I was working at school library, but took the summer off.
I noticed the change in him about 4 months ago. He was acting strange, always gone. Hiding the cell phone, deleting history on comp. Finally he said he was erasing the porn from phone and comp. I cant stop him from watching, at first it really hurt. But I guess I block it out now. He used to comment on my hair and makeup, or certain outfits. But not anymore.Now if Im on comp for too loong he says. Are you going to wash dishes, I dont want you to hurt your bakc or anything. Just stupid comments like that.
this is my second marriage and I really dont want to get divorced again. I am trying to just ignore the comments. I hoping he will 'get over it' or just stop.
I dont want to feel this way anymore, I want to feel.......well, i want to feel WANTED.
IDK what to do anymore. I have never been with anyone who has made so many comments about my weight. Oh god does any of this even make sense??
Hunny it sounds to me like he has big problems, a lot of guys can't handle it when their partner is percieved to be smarter and able to earn more than them. (I was married to one), His being out of work is probably compounding that. He is either hugely addicted to porn to make himself feel better or he is cheating. He sounds like belittling you is in some weird way making himself feel better about himself.
I understand that you don't want to be divorced again, but life is too short to waste it on someone who is pretty much emotionally abusing you from what you have said. Do you really want to be 60 and look back at your life and wish you hadn't stayed with someone who treats you like this? Confront him, drag his *kitten* to counselling and see if it can work, if it can't get out. It is better to be alone and happy than with someone and miserable take it from me.0 -
I agree. Reading that made me get a knot in my stomach. He has more to hide than porn.Sweetheart - he is not respecting you at all. Porn is okay, everyone can and should look, but if he's deleting his history and *hiding his phone* my gut leads me to think there is something more going on.
He is defenetly not respecting you. I think it´s time for councelling.0 -
My husband jokes around sometimes, like "put those oreos back, your supposed to get smaller, not fatter", "maybe I should lock all the food up", "can youtry eating just once a day", "will you ever be skinny",
My fiance read this over my shoulder and went "Oh dear... sounds like he's got a very strong opinion"
I personally would not find the comments your husband has made to be appropriate. It sounds more than "a bit harsh" to me, it sounds down right rude. What would be much better are comments like "hey! I got us some carrots!" or "hey! let's go on a walk together." If he wants you to be skinny then he should try to build you up, not tear you down.
You might want to have a talk with him before this gets worse.0 -
It's just wild to me that other people's significant others even comment about anyone counting calories! The only thing that my boyfriend says to me is, "I don't want you to diet, because I like having junk food in the house," lol. And then the occasional "but you don't need to" or "so what happens if you lose your butt?"
Not to mention, can you imagine the terrible body image he would instill in your future children? Now that's a terrifying thought for any woman wanting to be a good mother.0
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