overweight and relationships

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  • KaidaKantri
    KaidaKantri Posts: 401
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    The passive aggressive comments indicate he's sort of a douchenozzle tbh. Who would treat their wife that way?

    That said, if you've gained a sizable amount of weight since you first met it is understandable that someone will be less attracted to you. Maybe it has also changed your level of confidence and how you carry yourself as well. You guys should sit down and have a really serious conversation about what the expectations are between you, what exactly the problem is, and how you are going to fix it. As with any relationship problem, communication is the key to avoiding misery and/or breakup.
  • sbernardy
    sbernardy Posts: 188
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    bump to add my story later....
  • poshcouture
    poshcouture Posts: 610
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    Hun, I'm sorry to say but he's just being entirely abusive and a complete *kitten*! You don't deserve that regardless of how much weight you've gained. Chin up! You're beautiful! Love yourself and tell yourself everyday that you're gorgeous and sexy!
  • SaraBelle0312
    SaraBelle0312 Posts: 328 Member
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    He said the lose of our son has really made him feel angry everyday. And he said, that he is angry at me for not being able to carry the baby to term. And that he feels bad for even feeling that way. I was really hurt, but I understood, I felt the same way towards myself. Then I started to cry, uggh. He said he will try hard to work on his attitude. I told him(not asked) not to make any comments about my weight. He just shook his head. He got out of the tub and kissed my forehead. That was it. I didnt ask about the porn. That was a 5-6min conversation. I am glad he finally said something. Im not going to push for any more answers tonight. We have that dinner if a few days, maybe that will reveal more.

    I think this explains alot right here. Marriage/grief counseling. I think that if you two do NOT get help, you will not last. You two have alot of issues that you need to work out. Coming from someone who is IN marriage counseling, having someone there to pick out things and mediate and show both sides of the coin as well as resolutions is truly amazing. My husband and I would have divorced already if we weren't going. Add me if you need to talk. I'm here for you!

    ETA: I also had this SAME issue with an ex for a miscarriage, but we never worked it out.
  • savvysarah
    savvysarah Posts: 5
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    First, let me say, I am sorry for your loss through your miscarriage. That in itself comes with a lot of issues. And, your husband's comments are hurtful. I would encourage you to try discussing it with him. Perhaps (giving him the benefit of the doubt he probably doesn't deserve) he does not realize that those kind of comments are hurtful.

    I would agree also with above commenters that it seems there are deeper issues. Perhaps counseling would help if he is willing. I would not say you have to silently tolerate it.
  • RikanSoulja
    RikanSoulja Posts: 463 Member
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    Word of advice. Don't ask for relationship advice on the internet. 95% of the people who are gonna give advice will just tell you to leave your SO. Just my 2 cents.
  • lisasch67
    lisasch67 Posts: 135 Member
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    LOL maybe its just me.

    Part of it is you... Take care of yourself and respect yourself and the people around you will, too.

    Part of it is him. The people around you, that are supposed to love you and take care of you, should support you even when you're not at the top of your game... You're overweight and had a miscarraige. He should OBVIOUSLY not be saying those things to you. That is in no way supportive. Would you want him to say those things to your daughter if she were struggling with her weight?

    In my last serious relationship, I gained about 35lbs in 2 years. I was back in grad school full time, I was on medication notorious for weight gain issues, and I wasn't happy with a lot of aspects in my life. My boyfriend at the time weighed 60 pounds less than me. He never made awful comments, he told me he loved me the way I was, but he never encouraged me to lose the weight or be healthy. Then our sex life decreased, then he just stopped physically touching me, and I gained even more weight because I was miserable.

    Eventually we broke up. I started exercising, and slowly but surely 4 years later I am down 47 lbs. I am now in a different relationship, and since that one started I've LOST almost 18 lbs. He struggles with weight, too, and we're not always the healthiest people with our food and beverage choices, but we push each other to work out and stay healthy. He has lost about 10 lbs, too.

    He should definitely not be saying those things to you and should be supporting you, but you should also do what you can to take care of yourself... which may include telling him to shut his trap when he says harsh things like that to you! You deserve to be happy and healthy... Find some supportive friends on here. It's been great for so many people!
  • Crazibaker
    Crazibaker Posts: 130 Member
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    Your husband is an @$$hole. True story.

    This
  • ThaRealNicki
    ThaRealNicki Posts: 328 Member
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    I know that my weight has effected my relationship... but it is internally driven (Don't feel confident, don't feel worthy/ attractive.) Not externally...

    for me its this! all the way
  • moxiecowgirl
    moxiecowgirl Posts: 291 Member
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    There are a lot of things that concern me about your OP, and about some of your subsequent posts. Mind you, I don't mince words, so I'm sorry if any of this is a bit too blunt:

    1. He's started being this insensitive and rude just recently? How long ago was your miscarriage? I'm wondering if some of this might be displaced grief processing. That said, it still doesn't make it ok. As a matter of fact, it makes it less ok.

    2. You gained what? 12 pounds? Seriously, that's it? Frankly, I don't care if it's 120 pounds. He shouldn't treat you like this. But 12 pounds is barely even noticeable.

    3. You don't talk to any of your old friends much. That's called isolation, and it's a sign of abusive tendencies. A lot of what you says sounds like a classic representation of an abused spouse. I hope you realize that there are many more forms of abuse than the physical.

    4. You're entertaining the idea of "leaving it all behind". That tells me you already know that something is very, very wrong here. Chances are, it's probably not going to get better, and #5 is why:

    5. You asked him about therapy and he told you he didn't want to spend the money. Honestly, that says all you need to know. He doesn't think you're worth it. Which is ridiculous. You're worth it, and then some. Or he doesn't see his behavior as a problem, in which case, he's not likely to change it. Either way, sweetie, it ain't good.

    6. The "porn kick"+hiding things and deleting the records=sorry to tell you, but he's cheating on you. I can 99.9% guarantee it. If it were just porn, he's already told you about it, so why does he need to hide it?

    7. You don't want to get another divorce. I totally get that. Divorce blows goats. But you have to ask yourself this: are you ok with this being the rest of your life? If not, one of two things needs to happen: he needs to change, or you need to leave. There really is no option 3.


    I am so sorry this is happening to you. No one deserves that kind of treatment from anyone else, and especially not the person who's supposed to be their comfort and support. Please feel free to friend me, and let me know how you're doing. Your post makes me sad, and I want to help you.
  • jkandktmom
    jkandktmom Posts: 1,010 Member
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    ok and just some food for thought....I understand you want kids. Do you want them to have a father that is going to talk to them like he talks to you?? God Bless and I really hope you can do what is best for you.

    I'm making my way through the pages but I had to comment on this. My father was very much like your husband. I gained weight before I got married but when dating my ex husband. My father told me that future hubbby would never love me if I was fat. He told me that if I didn't lose weight no one would love me. He also told he that if he had to he would kick my *kitten* around a track to get me moving.

    I was over weight but the things he said didn't motivate me. In fact looking back they probably made me settle for a guy that wanted me. I honestly believe my dad was trying to help but I never forgave him.
  • apedeb09
    apedeb09 Posts: 805 Member
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    Your husband is an @$$hole. True story.


    ^ What he said.
  • NoahandPresleysMom
    NoahandPresleysMom Posts: 763 Member
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    My husband jokes around sometimes, like "put those oreos back, your supposed to get smaller, not fatter", "maybe I should lock all the food up", "can youtry eating just once a day", "will you ever be skinny", .......................................sounds harsh when I write it out like this.
    Um yes it does sound harsh. Are you really ok with being treated like this? Have you talked to him about it? It's really unacceptable.

    this. And especially the emotional hardship it is to have a miscarriage anyway(I have suffered 2) All that does is cut you down and make u feel like a worthless piece of crap. Its so not ok.
  • weighlossforbaby
    weighlossforbaby Posts: 847 Member
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    I did try to talk to him. he was in the tub soaking, so he couldnt walk away, hehe. I asked him why he thinks its ok to put me down and stuff like that. He looked up at me, he didnt say anything, he just cried, I was confused and shocked. He said the lose of our son has really made him feel angry everyday. And he said, that he is angry at me for not being able to carry the baby to term. And that he feels bad for even feeling that way. I was really hurt, but I understood, I felt the same way towards myself. Then I started to cry, uggh. He said he will try hard to work on his attitude. I told him(not asked) not to make any comments about my weight. He just shook his head. He got out of the tub and kissed my forehead. That was it. I didnt ask about the porn. That was a 5-6min conversation. I am glad he finally said something. Im not going to push for any more answers tonight. We have that dinner if a few days, maybe that will reveal more. I wanted to say, look bud its more than your attitude. Its your lack of respect and self control. Your demenor, and rudeness. But I didnt want to start a screaming match. I know this doesnt fix things, but it could be a start. I am taking everyones advice into consideration. And Thank you all again for all of the replys.
    After reading this about how he feels is understandable. I am sorry he was angry at you about the miscarriage though and I guess that is his way of coping the loss of his son. I am glad you got to talk about how he feels and why he was treating you this way. I hope the dinner and counseling helps both of you.

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