Why I closed my diary.

Preface: Over the past four days, I have tried to figure out how to write what I am about to write without sounding like an insensitive, selfish jerk. I have come to the conclusion that it is impossible to do so. Therefore, I will simply write what is in my heart and mind.

A bit about me before I get to the point of this post. As you probably know from previous posts, I grew up in challenging economic circumstances. For eleven straight years (high school, college, law school) I worked full time and attended school full time because it seemed the only way out of my dire circumstances. The sheer effort of doing so nearly killed me. I obtained my law degree and attorney license by the time I was 25. I was hired by one of the three largest law firms in the world right out of law school. After three years there, my supervising attorneys told me that I was well on my way to making partner. Doing so would give my then-new wife and I a measure of financial security that I had never known before.

However, it was not to be. One day in 1987, I received a telephone call from the executive assistant to one of the very top attorneys in his field of litigation specialty. She said that Mr. M wanted to visit with me. I went to his (LITERALLY) penthouse office and we talked. He said he knew who I was, what I was doing at my firm, and that he wanted me to do it for him. He told me that he would double my compensation if I would come to work for him. Now, for a young married fellow with $45,000 in student loans in 1987, a mortgage, and nothing in the bank, that was a heady offer. I turned it down. What he said next absolutely floored me. "Ok, then, I'll triple it. But you'd better think carefully before you turn it down, because I'm not going any higher." I literally got lightheaded and nauseous. I babbled something incoherent about having to check with my wife about such an important decision. He said he understood and would wait for my decision.

At that point in my career, there were many days that I would leave my house when it was dark (5:30 a.m.) and return when it was dark (7:30 p.m.). As a new husband, that was unpleasant, but we tolerated it for the good of my career. However, as a new father, it was unacceptable. What was the point in being the breadwinner for my young family if I wouldn't be around to be a significant part of my sons' formative years? I thought to myself that this new opportunity might be a chance to spend more time with my wife and family-to-be. I accepted the offer.

Oh how wrong I was. Throughout the almost seven years that I survived as the head of Mr. M's appellate section (indeed, I was his only appellate attorney), 3:00 a.m. telephone calls for briefs, trial motions, and such were commonplace, as were impromptu out-of-town trips to handle depositions, serve subpoenas and assist in 2-3 week trials. The money came rolling in by the bushel basket. And I was more unhappy than I had ever been. A large bottle of liquid antacid was my almost constant companion. Six times in three years I found myself in hospital emergency rooms with symptoms of a heart attack that ended up not being heart related, but stress related. My body was sending my mind an unmistakable signal that money be damned, if I stayed in that job, I'd be leaving my new wife and young sons with a lot of it after my all too early visit to the grave.

In early 1994, I left that position and opened my sole practice of law two miles from my house. My new office had one room where my wife could bring my children to play and "hang out" with me after school when I was in between clients or legal assignments. I was close enough to my sons' school that I made it to almost all of their parent-teacher conferences, plays, and sporting events. Within weeks, my health stabilized, then improved. No more stress related trips to the emergency room. My income plummeted at first, but I was finally the kind of dad, father AND attorney that I always wanted to be. My first client showed up at my office door four days after I opened my doors. In the 18+ years since I opened that office, I have never advertised once, and never had a day where I wondered what I would be doing next. I am very grateful and very blessed.

Over the past quarter century, I have gone from literally penniless and heavily-in-debt, young, ambitious newlywed attorney to where I am today. Next month, Mrs. R and I will celebrate 25 years of marriage. And to paraphrase Groucho Marx, they have been 19 of the best years of my life (ducking a flying frying pan from the kitchen). We have conceived and raised four strong and sturdy sons. One is a PhD candidate in cancer research at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. One recently accepted a job as a high school calculus and algebra teacher and baseball coach at an underperforming local high school. One is a marketing and advertising junior at the University of Texas. And one is a delightful 12 year old, 7th grader, baseball player, and great kid in middle school. I know that in many homes, kids can't wait to get out the door to make their own lives. In our house, our sons can't wait for the opportunity for us to all be together again. Mrs. R and I share in that feeling. As for my career, it is safe to say it survived my early vacillations. I have been licensed as an attorney for 26 years, and board certified as an appellate specialist for 20 years. On Thursday, I completed my one year term as chair of the State Bar of Texas Appellate Section, and began my three year term as one of 42 directors who help run the State Bar of Texas. I have written and presented over 100 continuing legal education programs, the most recent of which was literally just yesterday, 165 miles from home. Clients still regularly find me, even though I do not advertise or actively look for them.

"Well goody for you, ya verbose clod. But the title of this post is 'why I closed my diary.' Are you going to get to that, or do my grandchildren have to die of old age first?"

[writer's note: watch how I now toss a bone to my new MFP friends from "over the puddle" in the U.K.]

"O.k., o.k., don't get your *knickers* in a twist. I'm getting to it."

When I first started logging my food diary regularly on MFP almost 8 weeks ago, keeping my diary open to others was an integral part of my motivation to make changes to my then-atrocious eating habits. I knew that when others could see what I was eating, I felt peer pressure to want to stay under my alloted calories for the day. And it definitely worked. I started on here as 5,000 to 7,000 calorie per day closet, shame eater who would scarf those incredible bright orange, cream filled cupcakes from Hostess. Yeah, you know the ones, with the while swirl of icing on top of the orange sheet of icing, on top of that bright orange spongy cake and that sweet, creamy, white filling in the middle... ohhhhhh yeah.......

Today, fresh fruits, whole grains, skinless chicken, fish, lowfat dairy and water (yes, just plain water!!!) are regular staples of my daily diet. I say STAPLES because in addition to those things, I also indulge in the occasional Subway sandwich with its 2,200 miligrams of sodium, Golden Grahams snack bars that are nothing more than glorified candy bars with some whole grains thrown in for good looks, Godiva chocolates with their saturated fats and refined sugar, and teriyaki extra tender beef steak nuggets with their 30 grams of protein, 3 grams of fat AND whopping 1,470 milligrams of sodium per 3 1/4 ounce (92g) bag.

Yes, I have had days when my sodium intake was twice what it should have been, or my refined sugar consumption was higher than it should be. But I have also stayed within my allotted calories 45 out of the past 46 days and dropped an astounding 34 pounds, from 478 to 444 in less than seven weeks. Do I have a long way to go (like another 219 pounds, at least)? Yes. Will I get there over the next 1 1/2 to 2 years? Absolutely. But I won't do it eating like a vegan monk. You see, if I eliminate my "safeharbor" foods (like a footlong Subway sandwich, relatively low in calories, packed with protein, fiber, veggies and whole grains but also a lot of sodium) and Taco Bell fresco style tacos with 140-150 calories, lots of protein, and lots of sodium, I WILL NOT maintain the long term discipline to see this through. Given the choice of remaining in the 400's because I have given up on a food program that I cannot live with, or quickly pulling my weight down through the 400's into the 300's (at first), I know which choice is better for me. I have made the clearheaded, thoughtful, deliberative choice to sacrifice a few days a week to 3,000 or 4,000 miligrams of sodium per day in return for finally finding the key to unlocking this miserable weight from my body. Is it the right choice? For many of you, NO. Is it the right choice for me? Right now, in return for getting down from the high 400's into the 300's, it is. When my body has fully acclimated to its lower calorie intake, I DO intend to substantially reduce or eliminate high sodium and high refined sugar foods from my diet. But not right now.

So here's the answer to 'why I closed my diary.' I intend to stay on MFP for the rest of my life. My short term goal is to evicerate 45 more pounds in the next 15 weeks (by Christmas) and see a "3" in the hundreds column on my scale for the first time in many years. During that time, at least 3-4 days per week, I will make a conscious effort to reduce my intake of sodium, fat, and refined sugar. But that also means that 3-4 days per week, in order to stay on this life-changing journey, I will NOT carefully watch my intake of sodium and refined sugar (I don't particularly care about the fat). And when I do, I would prefer not to spend 20-30 minutes per day explaining myself in response to the several incredibly well-intended, decent and caring emails and messages that I have been receiving about my sodium and refined sugar intake EVERY DAY. I would rather spend that time catching a bullpen session, pitching batting practice or hitting grounders and fly balls to my 12-year old, talking on the phone with my 23 year old son who is half a country away, vigorously walking a hot humid patch of Texas, or taking care of a client's legal needs. It seems that in order to avoid explaining myself repeatedly in response to multiple inquiries about my food choices daily, locking my diary is the best solution for now.

It's NOT that I do not appreciate all of the questions and comments about my food choices. I do. However, given the choice between making ok food choices and losing this damned weight, and making great food choices and likely giving up out of despair, I choose the former. For now. Not because it is right. But because it is right. For me. For now.

I hope this makes sense.

Scott R. (who is 136 sticks of butter lighter than he was 7 weeks ago).

P.S. And now back to my regularly scheduled 3 1/2 ounce pouch of Jack Link's Premium Cuts Original Beef Steak nuggets with 30 grams of protein, 3 grams of fat, and 1,470 delicious miligrams of sodium. Yum!

that was really long

My bad. I'll try to edit better the next time I write.