need relationship advice :/

fairy33
fairy33 Posts: 23
in Chit-Chat
My bf and I have been together for 2.5 years and moved in together earlier this year. I just turned 24 and he will be 24 next year... my problem is that he has lied to me several times about his porn use.. of course i found this after snooping my mistake the first time. after i found it we talked about it and i told him i wasn't comfortable with it and if he wanted to we could watch it together. he said he wouldn't do it again and i believed him. i caught him again after finding it in his recycle bin on his computer. i told him again that i couldn't believe he lied to me and he knew how i felt about it. of course after that i really doubted him and didn't believe him when he said he didn't and that he would tell me if he did. since then he was always very secretive with his phone and his computer and that made me even more suspicious because if he lied to me once he can lie again. recently he left his phone behind and curious i checked and bam for the past week of history it was videos and videos of other chicks, chubby, petite, and all other kinds. i was FURIOUS because a few days before i found it i had asked him to just tell me the truth if he has and he said i was crazy and no he hasnt. i told him that lying about it is just going to make it worse and of course he lied. that day i talked to him about it and he said he was tired of me going through his things and blah blah blah.. i get it snooping is bad but at the same time if he looked at my things he wouldn't find anything he needed to worry about. the worst part is that we barely are physical anymore. he says it's because i complain a lot and whatever.. but why can't he just communicate with me? apparently i communicate too much and he communicates way too little. i want to be with him but the thought of him putting me through this again the lying and the betrayal is just driving me crazy. it's been a month since then and things were okay but i just don't know what to do. he says he can really change this time and that hes sorry but its the same story as before!!! i dont know what to do :(

his excuse is i complain too much and asks what would be worse if i cheated on you or looked at porn? like i have to choose one?? neither of those is okay and neither is lying about it. i refuse to believe that i have to pick one of those with any guy because if that's the case i might as well be lesbian. ugh

i do want to be with him and work it out but i just don't know how.. any advice is appreciated :(
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Replies

  • aquadaisygirl
    aquadaisygirl Posts: 2
    My advice is you are too young to settle.
  • MiCool90
    MiCool90 Posts: 460 Member
    Guys are to porn like Women are to vibrators...

    Its not becos he/she thinks less of you in a relationship or wants to slight you... its just a tool to get off when needed.
  • Calliesmom1
    Calliesmom1 Posts: 78
    Porn is a hard no for me. I believe it gets men in the wrong mindset. Its warps their mind and gets them confused about sex. No sex isn't all the time. No its not perfect ( trust me! ) and not every women wants you. Sex should be about love. And just because its with love doesn't mean boring. Its actually better!! So i say no porn. I would leave because you made your boundaries known up front. He LIED and refuses to live up to your standards. I don't believe you should settle. Sorry for the ppl who are pro-porn but its a no for me.
  • kmm7309
    kmm7309 Posts: 802 Member
    This is tough because you are both wrong.

    Trust me, I've been the snoop. I've been the one jumping down his throat for hiding things from me. And you know what it got me? Separated.

    Maybe you should address some of your personal issues with porn. What about it don't you like? Why is it so bad that he enjoys watching it? Is it because you are insecure? Have a bad sex life? Stress keeping you apart? There are a million answers to that question.

    I mean this with all sincerity, but you can't make him change. Either you can change (and it sounds like you'll need to because he isn't) or you can leave. You can't expect him to change. That's unfair, because to him, it's not wrong because he's not cheating on you.

    EDIT: I don't mean this to sound pro-porn, I'm not intending it that way. I'm just trying to understand if it's religious or personal preference, and if it can be changed if you want to keep the relationship.
  • hedgiie
    hedgiie Posts: 1,226 Member
    maybe he's just curious about it. but it doesn't mean that he's planning to do anything wrong. how long and how often does she do this? is he responsible in other aspects? does he plan to improve himself in education, career, etc. is he a nice guy for his and your family? judging him for his checking out on porn is a once side aspect of your decision making. consider other aspects too and balance everything
  • kiely13
    kiely13 Posts: 185 Member
    Guys are to porn like Women are to vibrators...

    Its not becos he/she thinks less of you in a relationship or wants to slight you... its just a tool to get off when needed.

    :laugh: :laugh:
  • Zarebeth
    Zarebeth Posts: 136 Member
    Sounds a lot like my ex. We broke up because of his Internet pornography addiction. When they prefer that to you, then lie and hide it, you will never be able to trust him and it will not end well. Sorry.

    Get out while you can.
  • hedgiie
    hedgiie Posts: 1,226 Member
    My advice is you are too young to settle.
    so what is the right age?
  • ToughTulip
    ToughTulip Posts: 1,118 Member
    Guys are to porn like Women are to vibrators...

    Its not becos he/she thinks less of you in a relationship or wants to slight you... its just a tool to get off when needed.

    Yup! This is how I view it. Not really a big deal i think.

    If you are really that unhappy with it, then I don't see it working out. Snooping, hiding things, fighting... doesn't sound good.
  • annahuebscher
    annahuebscher Posts: 114
    Porn is awesome.

    Let the poor man have some privacy.
  • fairy33
    fairy33 Posts: 23
    my issue is that we like never have sex anymore and that week that i found it he lied to me when i asked him about it.
  • elijhasmomma
    elijhasmomma Posts: 270 Member
    As someone who is majoring in addiction studies let me be the first to say...what he has SEEMS to be an addiction. Lying, hiding it, not caring about the consequences of these mentioned actions..these are all tell tale signs of an addiciton. Whether he feels it is wrong or not because he isnt cheating, to some cheating is more then just physical. It can be mental, emotional..etc etc. The fact you have confronted him, explained how you felt about the situation, offerend him a second, third, fourth chance and he has continued to feed you fairytales, is showing that he has no desire to stop. He is feeling guilty about his deceptions therefore is finding comfort in placing the blame on you for "snooping" and "complaining". If he has time to look at porn, but not be intimate with you, there are underlying issues you two may need to address. Am I a certified doctor? No, but again, addictions are my main focus in my studies.

    You have to put your foot down and let him know that you are NOT ok with it. If he cannot compromise by either watching with you as you mentioned you didnt mind, or not doing it at all, he needs to know there will be reprecussions. He might not like the idea that you gave him a choice, but are you really ok with living with someone who is making you uncomfortable because his "needs and wants" are more important then respecting a simple wish of yours?

    You are both young. You WILL have time to find someone who will understand your feelings toward porn. I promise you, you're not the only person who has ever felt that way, man or woman. But you need to realize that by putting your own comfortability aside, you are slowly allowing him to continue his behavior. You are becoming the enabler by not setting a ground rule and consequence, and then not following up on that consequence. If he knows you will forgive him each time, that's what he will tell you to ge you to plainly..shut up. Sorry, but it's true. The moment you stop letting him walk all over you, he will either get his **** together, or will walk away from you. And if he does the latter, then hunny he was never worth the trouble in the first place.
  • fairy33
    fairy33 Posts: 23
    after i asked him how he could lie to me and he said because he didn't want it to turn to this which was fighting. and i said then why would you do it in the first place if you knew how it made me feel? he said he wasn't thinking.. but really all he was thinking about was himself.
  • Charismasme2
    Charismasme2 Posts: 118 Member
    Ok, so I'm an old fart, but I'm putting my two cents in...In my opinion it's not of to watch porn. I know my bf does when I'm not home, but I look at it this way, what I don't know won't hurt me. We tried watching it together, but he doesn't enjoy that, and I'm not comfortable watching others have sex. So we don't watch it together. As long as he's taking care of business with me then I don't care what he's doing as long as it's not physically with another woman. When that happens it's done and over!!! As far as the snooping goes...well if you snoop and find things you don't like it's on you. Men are men. They sometimes have more needs than we do, sometimes...not always. He's wrong for lying, and should just man up and say yes I'm looking at porn and I intend to continue. Lying is never a good sign. If he's lying about something so simple as porn what else is he lying about??? Time to move on. I agree with the other poster...your far to young to settle for this. You need to find someone that can be honest, and is more like you. When and if you do decide to move on, and you find someone else, make sure you talk about this subject and tell them upfront how you feel about porn....and lying!!! Good Luck!!!
  • ephemerata
    ephemerata Posts: 82 Member
    first, let me start by saying that it's not unreasonable to not want your partner to watch porn. secondly, it's not unreasonable to want to watch porn.

    i can't give specific advice because i don't know the circumstances. what bothers you about his watching it? are there specific types of porn that make you uncomfortable, is it all porn, or is it just when/how/where/why he watches it? for example, my fiance doesn't watch porn, but i wouldn't mind if a partner did because i can enjoy porn too, but i would definitely think it's weird if my partner watched it on his phone instead of a tv/computer because, to me, that signifies some kind'f impulse issue.

    furthermore, why are you snooping? and has it occurred to you that if he REALLY didn't want you to find out he was watching it, he could go to greater lengths to hide it? it's interesting to me that he downloads it (because, c'mon, we're in the day and age of streaming porn) and then doesn't even bother to completely remove it or put it in a hidden folder.
  • blakemeyers
    blakemeyers Posts: 1
    He has a problem.Thus yuou do too. Check out S.A.
  • ToughTulip
    ToughTulip Posts: 1,118 Member
    my issue is that we like never have sex anymore and that week that i found it he lied to me when i asked him about it.

    ^^ this is what I find odd. So he stopped having sex with you and watches porn instead? Have you asked him why?
  • laserturkey
    laserturkey Posts: 1,680 Member
    I'm assuming the porn you are talking about is the fairly standard stuff with consenting adults. If this were kiddie porn, it would be a whole different ball of wax.

    It's obvious you have trust issues in this relationship, and also seems to me you both need to do some living and growing before you will be ready for a truly healthy, mature relationship.

    He likes porn. A LOT of guys (and gals) do. Telling him you don't want him to have it isn't going to make him stop being interested. You are just forcing him to go "underground" with it, which sets up an unhealthy dynamic in your relationship.

    You have to ask yourself if you feel strongly enough about this that you want to cut this guy loose and try to find a man with no interest in pornography, or if this guy and this relationship are good enough to allow you to compromise on this issue.
  • Charismasme2
    Charismasme2 Posts: 118 Member
    And for all the guys out there, porn is not to men what vibrators are to women. There are women out there who have never masturbated, or used vibrators...me for instance!!!
  • fairy33
    fairy33 Posts: 23
    As someone who is majoring in addiction studies let me be the first to say...what he has SEEMS to be an addiction. Lying, hiding it, not caring about the consequences of these mentioned actions..these are all tell tale signs of an addiciton. Whether he feels it is wrong or not because he isnt cheating, to some cheating is more then just physical. It can be mental, emotional..etc etc. The fact you have confronted him, explained how you felt about the situation, offerend him a second, third, fourth chance and he has continued to feed you fairytales, is showing that he has no desire to stop. He is feeling guilty about his deceptions therefore is finding comfort in placing the blame on you for "snooping" and "complaining". If he has time to look at porn, but not be intimate with you, there are underlying issues you two may need to address. Am I a certified doctor? No, but again, addictions are my main focus in my studies.

    You have to put your foot down and let him know that you are NOT ok with it. If he cannot compromise by either watching with you as you mentioned you didnt mind, or not doing it at all, he needs to know there will be reprecussions. He might not like the idea that you gave him a choice, but are you really ok with living with someone who is making you uncomfortable because his "needs and wants" are more important then respecting a simple wish of yours?

    You are both young. You WILL have time to find someone who will understand your feelings toward porn. I promise you, you're not the only person who has ever felt that way, man or woman. But you need to realize that by putting your own comfortability aside, you are slowly allowing him to continue his behavior. You are becoming the enabler by not setting a ground rule and consequence, and then not following up on that consequence. If he knows you will forgive him each time, that's what he will tell you to ge you to plainly..shut up. Sorry, but it's true. The moment you stop letting him walk all over you, he will either get his **** together, or will walk away from you. And if he does the latter, then hunny he was never worth the trouble in the first place.

    thank you for this and i agree. i really love him but i feel like i've given him so many chances. i'm not ready to walk away this time but next time i will. i just don't know what to do. i'm so upset right now and it doesn't help that we live together and i have to see him everyday. ugh :(
  • fairy33
    fairy33 Posts: 23
    i refuse to compromise on something that results in practically no sex life and being disrespected and lied to.
  • JennyLisT
    JennyLisT Posts: 402 Member
    This is going to sound horrible, but I'm going to type it anyway:

    It takes two people to have sex, and I don't think you should assume that it's the porn's fault if you're in a dry spell. There are possible other factors.

    You shouldn't be snooping, and he shouldn't be lying.

    Honestly, I don't get why some women are so anti-porn. Unless he's locking himself away for days and comes out with calloused hands to tell you he's been fired for not showing up to work, I don't see the problem with occasional porn use.
  • fairy33
    fairy33 Posts: 23
    my issue is that we like never have sex anymore and that week that i found it he lied to me when i asked him about it.

    ^^ this is what I find odd. So he stopped having sex with you and watches porn instead? Have you asked him why?

    yes he says that i complain too much and he doesn't want to be around me but the thing is when i "complain" its usually just the basics of living together like do the dishes tonight, clean up after yourself in the bathroom, etc and he just shuts down and doesn't communicate with me at all. he just gets angry and tells me to shut up and that makes me do the opposite of shut up.
  • ToughTulip
    ToughTulip Posts: 1,118 Member
    And for all the guys out there, porn is not to men what vibrators are to women. There are women out there who have never masturbated, or used vibrators...me for instance!!!

    And not all men watch porn
  • fairy33
    fairy33 Posts: 23
    This is going to sound horrible, but I'm going to type it anyway:

    It takes two people to have sex, and I don't think you should assume that it's the porn's fault if you're in a dry spell. There are possible other factors.

    You shouldn't be snooping, and he shouldn't be lying.

    Honestly, I don't get why some women are so anti-porn. Unless he's locking himself away for days and comes out with calloused hands to tell you he's been fired for not showing up to work, I don't see the problem with occasional porn use.

    i do try to initiate and he says he's tired or doesn't want to etc and that upsets me because then i think he's watching porn instead which he was!!
  • fairy33
    fairy33 Posts: 23
    i really want to believe him when he says that he will change this time around but the fact that he has been caught with it THREE times makes me feel otherwise and is driving me crazy!!!

    how do we rebuild trust when there is 0 there??
  • redraidergirl2009
    redraidergirl2009 Posts: 2,560 Member
    dont get married
  • laserturkey
    laserturkey Posts: 1,680 Member
    i refuse to compromise on something that results in practically no sex life and being disrespected and lied to.

    The writing's on the wall, then. Time to cut bait and move on.
  • JennyLisT
    JennyLisT Posts: 402 Member
    i really want to believe him when he says that he will change this time around but the fact that he has been caught with it THREE times makes me feel otherwise and is driving me crazy!!!

    how do we rebuild trust when there is 0 there??

    I'm seriously curious about why you're so anti-porn.
  • toaster6
    toaster6 Posts: 703 Member
    My bf and I have been together for 2.5 years and moved in together earlier this year. I just turned 24 and he will be 24 next year... my problem is that he has lied to me several times about his porn use.. of course i found this after snooping my mistake the first time. after i found it we talked about it and i told him i wasn't comfortable with it and if he wanted to we could watch it together. he said he wouldn't do it again and i believed him. i caught him again after finding it in his recycle bin on his computer. i told him again that i couldn't believe he lied to me and he knew how i felt about it. of course after that i really doubted him and didn't believe him when he said he didn't and that he would tell me if he did. since then he was always very secretive with his phone and his computer and that made me even more suspicious because if he lied to me once he can lie again. recently he left his phone behind and curious i checked and bam for the past week of history it was videos and videos of other chicks, chubby, petite, and all other kinds. i was FURIOUS because a few days before i found it i had asked him to just tell me the truth if he has and he said i was crazy and no he hasnt. i told him that lying about it is just going to make it worse and of course he lied. that day i talked to him about it and he said he was tired of me going through his things and blah blah blah.. i get it snooping is bad but at the same time if he looked at my things he wouldn't find anything he needed to worry about. the worst part is that we barely are physical anymore. he says it's because i complain a lot and whatever.. but why can't he just communicate with me? apparently i communicate too much and he communicates way too little. i want to be with him but the thought of him putting me through this again the lying and the betrayal is just driving me crazy. it's been a month since then and things were okay but i just don't know what to do. he says he can really change this time and that hes sorry but its the same story as before!!! i dont know what to do :(

    his excuse is i complain too much and asks what would be worse if i cheated on you or looked at porn? like i have to choose one?? neither of those is okay and neither is lying about it. i refuse to believe that i have to pick one of those with any guy because if that's the case i might as well be lesbian. ugh

    i do want to be with him and work it out but i just don't know how.. any advice is appreciated :(


    Okay, I'm going to say this and it's going to sound harsh, but here goes...
    Firstly, is it any wonder he's become so secretive when you keep invading his privacy? I wouldn't trust my boyfriend if he kept looking at my private things every time my back is turned. Would you trust someone that kept sneaking through your stuff? Secondly, if you're going to look for a man that doesn't watch porn, you're going to be a lonely woman (and turning lesbian won't help since a lot of women also watch/ read porn). For a lot of people, porn is just for stimulation or fantasy-- nothing more. Personally, I don't see why anyone would have a problem with that. Watching porn doesn't automatically mean that you want to/ would be unfaithful to the person you're with and it definitely doesn't mean that you don't love your significant other. The only thing that is worrisome to me about his behavior is the ultimatum of allowing him to watch porn or cheat. That is not normal and you should not put up with that. In any case, if you don't feel like you can trust your boyfriend, and it seems that you can't, then it is not a good match for you.

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