need relationship advice :/
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i really want to believe him when he says that he will change this time around but the fact that he has been caught with it THREE times makes me feel otherwise and is driving me crazy!!!
how do we rebuild trust when there is 0 there??
I'm seriously curious about why you're so anti-porn.
it's not the porn itself its the fact that he lies to me about it, our sex life suffers and it's happened more than once. that is my issue0 -
This is going to sound horrible, but I'm going to type it anyway:
It takes two people to have sex, and I don't think you should assume that it's the porn's fault if you're in a dry spell. There are possible other factors.
You shouldn't be snooping, and he shouldn't be lying.
Honestly, I don't get why some women are so anti-porn. Unless he's locking himself away for days and comes out with calloused hands to tell you he's been fired for not showing up to work, I don't see the problem with occasional porn use.
i do try to initiate and he says he's tired or doesn't want to etc and that upsets me because then i think he's watching porn instead which he was!!
To be honest he probably doesn't find you sexually attractive, especially if you two are arguing about even daily chores. I don't know any guy that can be aggravated with his girl and still manage to get it up to have sex with her, much less want to to begin with. If you, in his eyes, are nagging him left and right then it's not really rocket science to see why he'd turn to porn. Porn doesn't talk back, it's just crap on a screen.
Personally if you're having that bad of a problem, ask him if he would be alright with couple's counseling because you both have problems and an obvious bad communication setup. If you two can't get through to each other without someone getting mad or starting something from spite, you will not last.0 -
As someone who is majoring in addiction studies let me be the first to say...what he has SEEMS to be an addiction. Lying, hiding it, not caring about the consequences of these mentioned actions..these are all tell tale signs of an addiciton. Whether he feels it is wrong or not because he isnt cheating, to some cheating is more then just physical. It can be mental, emotional..etc etc. The fact you have confronted him, explained how you felt about the situation, offerend him a second, third, fourth chance and he has continued to feed you fairytales, is showing that he has no desire to stop. He is feeling guilty about his deceptions therefore is finding comfort in placing the blame on you for "snooping" and "complaining". If he has time to look at porn, but not be intimate with you, there are underlying issues you two may need to address. Am I a certified doctor? No, but again, addictions are my main focus in my studies.
You have to put your foot down and let him know that you are NOT ok with it. If he cannot compromise by either watching with you as you mentioned you didnt mind, or not doing it at all, he needs to know there will be reprecussions. He might not like the idea that you gave him a choice, but are you really ok with living with someone who is making you uncomfortable because his "needs and wants" are more important then respecting a simple wish of yours?
You are both young. You WILL have time to find someone who will understand your feelings toward porn. I promise you, you're not the only person who has ever felt that way, man or woman. But you need to realize that by putting your own comfortability aside, you are slowly allowing him to continue his behavior. You are becoming the enabler by not setting a ground rule and consequence, and then not following up on that consequence. If he knows you will forgive him each time, that's what he will tell you to ge you to plainly..shut up. Sorry, but it's true. The moment you stop letting him walk all over you, he will either get his **** together, or will walk away from you. And if he does the latter, then hunny he was never worth the trouble in the first place.
thank you for this and i agree. i really love him but i feel like i've given him so many chances. i'm not ready to walk away this time but next time i will. i just don't know what to do. i'm so upset right now and it doesn't help that we live together and i have to see him everyday. ugh
There will always be an underlying tension because he will most likely continue to watch porn and hide it, and you will constantly wonder what is he hiding or lying about now? Is he still watching porn? And it will drive you to snoop. Not all women snoop because they want to be nosey, sometimes a man (or womans) actions can lead a woman (or man) to do things they wouldn't normally do. And if its not for good, then it cannot turn out healthy. If you are deadset on not being comfortable with him watching/hiding/lying about porn you need to let him know that it is a deal breaker for you. And if he cannot respect that, then there will have to be some seperation. Whether you leave, or you put him out. Porn can be okay in some instances. I will be upfront and say that I have never really had a problem with it, I woul watch it with my own boyfriend of almost 3 years, but never much because we had a great sex life. The fact that he has taken intimacy from you, and is still finding his kicks by watching porn, is disrespectful. How is it fair that he is allowed to watch porn and get off on his own time, but cannot give you the time you deserve as a woman?
And another thing, you say you won't walk away now, but the next time you will. Ask yourself....how many times have you said that? How many times has he said not this time, I won't do it anymore, but does anyway. If you feel so strongly about this, you cannot keep putting your feelings aside in hoping that he will change because he obviously has no desire to. You have ot make a choice, and stick to your guns. Now I'm not telling you which choice you have to make, only you can do that. But make it, and show him you will stick to it. If he has no problem lying about porn and is not giving you any sex, then I'm sorry but he MAY most likely be getting it from somewhere else. Maybe jus the porn gets him off, maybe it leads him to cheat because he watches these "films' that give UNREALISTIC ideas about sex and goes out to fulfill these fantasies. Maybe you could ask him if there was something in particular he liked about the porn he watches, maybe you guys could act out your own scenario? Idk..but feel free to friend me if you would like.0 -
Okay, I'm going to say this and it's going to sound harsh, but here goes...
Firstly, is it any wonder he's become so secretive when you keep invading his privacy? I wouldn't trust my boyfriend if he kept looking at my private things every time my back is turned. Would you trust someone that kept sneaking through your stuff? Secondly, if you're going to look for a man that doesn't watch porn, you're going to be a lonely woman (and turning lesbian won't help since a lot of women also watch/ read porn). For a lot of people, porn is just for stimulation or fantasy-- nothing more. Personally, I don't see why anyone would have a problem with that. Watching porn doesn't automatically mean that you want to/ would be unfaithful to the person you're with and it definitely doesn't mean that you don't love your significant other. The only thing that is worrisome to me about his behavior is the ultimatum of allowing him to watch porn or cheat. That is not normal and you should not put up with that. In any case, if you don't feel like you can trust your boyfriend, and it seems that you can't, then it is not a good match for you.
i understand what you're saying that he's secretive because he feels like he needs to be but at the same time if he was just honest there would be no need to be so secretive!0 -
this is not a break-upable offense, to me.
it's a point of contention that, I believe, you two can work out.
if your problem is feeling betrayed and lied to, that's the issue here, not that he likes porn and isn't being intimate.
and, put into perspective that he isn't cheating on you, or something equally bad.
porn addiction is a real issue (not that he necessarily has an addiction, but it's possible), and can be treated. and, if it's just a bad habit, it can be curbed as well.0 -
Why do you want to be with someone who lies to you? I did that, no thank you! Also he's not going to change, people rarely change. Besides if you really love the person you love them for who they are, you don't ask or expect them to change. Time to move on imo.0
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To be honest he probably doesn't find you sexually attractive, especially if you two are arguing about even daily chores. I don't know any guy that can be aggravated with his girl and still manage to get it up to have sex with her, much less want to to begin with. If you, in his eyes, are nagging him left and right then it's not really rocket science to see why he'd turn to porn. Porn doesn't talk back, it's just crap on a screen.
Personally if you're having that bad of a problem, ask him if he would be alright with couple's counseling because you both have problems and an obvious bad communication setup. If you two can't get through to each other without someone getting mad or starting something from spite, you will not last.
thank you yes he said my "nagging" makes me unattractive but that is after the fact of him getting caught that he lied. he doesn't communicate until he just blows up and that's a problem. i don't know what to dooo. couples counseling sounds like a good idea.0 -
I think you should take your moral high ground and leave him. Leave that low class porn watcher...... you know he probably shakes his wanger at it?!?!?! You need to leave him right away. Do not settle until you find a man that doesn't watch porn... One that would rather talk to you for hours instead of just getting off every now and then. That should take no time... have fun. Set the poor boy free.0
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This is going to sound horrible, but I'm going to type it anyway:
It takes two people to have sex, and I don't think you should assume that it's the porn's fault if you're in a dry spell. There are possible other factors.
You shouldn't be snooping, and he shouldn't be lying.
Honestly, I don't get why some women are so anti-porn. Unless he's locking himself away for days and comes out with calloused hands to tell you he's been fired for not showing up to work, I don't see the problem with occasional porn use.
He wouldn't be lying about it if he didn't think there was anything wrong with it. Okay, so porn is (fill in the blank, I won't give my opinion as it doesn't matter a bit), but lying is definitely a no no.0 -
In my opinion, lying is the issue. Porn is secondary. If someone lies in a relationship about porn, they can and will lie about other issues.
Maybe approach the issue about not telling the truth. His dishonesty has made you doubt your relationship. There are so many things in life that come up that you must be honest about...things far more detrimental to a relationship than porn.
Be strong. Stay true to yourself.0 -
Accept him for who he is, or move on. He likes porn. Let him have porn. Crack is bad, meth is bad. Porn is just a movie. Let him whack it til it falls off, whats it to you? He is right *****ing and complaining will make sexual encounters too stressful to make them worthwhile. Don't ***** about things your not willing to put the effort in to change. You can't change him, only he can change him. He will only change if he wants to. Have expectations only of yourself. Boyfriend , husband, whatever you have no right to have expectations of him. Get a hold of yourself. You have control issues. Get counseling. Don't like porn? Don't watch it...0
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To be honest he probably doesn't find you sexually attractive, especially if you two are arguing about even daily chores. I don't know any guy that can be aggravated with his girl and still manage to get it up to have sex with her, much less want to to begin with. If you, in his eyes, are nagging him left and right then it's not really rocket science to see why he'd turn to porn. Porn doesn't talk back, it's just crap on a screen.
Personally if you're having that bad of a problem, ask him if he would be alright with couple's counseling because you both have problems and an obvious bad communication setup. If you two can't get through to each other without someone getting mad or starting something from spite, you will not last.
thank you yes he said my "nagging" makes me unattractive but that is after the fact of him getting caught that he lied. he doesn't communicate until he just blows up and that's a problem. i don't know what to dooo. couples counseling sounds like a good idea.
It doesn't matter when he said it, chances are at it came out that point because you confronted him. Counseling at this point would probably be the only way to save the relationship because you both can express your problems to a neutral party and have them worked out so that there won't be a need for secrets, fights, or snooping around. If you honestly love the guy, you have to be willing to try anything to resolve any problems that come your way even if it means saying "I'm sorry" or "I was wrong" when you aren't.0 -
Why is it that you are so against it? Does it make you feel insecure because (generally) most of the women in porn videos are pretty fit... unless he's into the big girls (BBW? I think?). Do you consider it cheating? If so, why?
My bf of three years watches a ton of porn. Not usually when I'm around, unless *ahem* the mood strikes. ;-) He's been totally honest and upfront about it since we started dating. Sure, there's been times when I've thought "How can he be with me if he watches girls that are SO fit", but I snap out of it pretty damn fast. Plus, it's a little more motivation to get fit, eh? If he wants to watch porn to get some "relief" I'm all for it. I'd prefer that rather than him harping on me four times a day. :laugh:0 -
my issue is that we like never have sex anymore and that week that i found it he lied to me when i asked him about it.
^^ this is what I find odd. So he stopped having sex with you and watches porn instead? Have you asked him why?
yes he says that i complain too much and he doesn't want to be around me but the thing is when i "complain" its usually just the basics of living together like do the dishes tonight, clean up after yourself in the bathroom, etc and he just shuts down and doesn't communicate with me at all. he just gets angry and tells me to shut up and that makes me do the opposite of shut up.
They always make it seem like its your fault when lying.0 -
And for all the guys out there, porn is not to men what vibrators are to women. There are women out there who have never masturbated, or used vibrators...me for instance!!!
:noway:
Wow...I'm not sure whether to say congrats or I'm sorry (jokes)
OP: I'm sorry but I don't see this working out. He's most likely not going to give up porn. You're never going to trust him. Not a recipe for success.0 -
Leave.
Lying and betrayal.
No care for your feelings.
Selt esteem was ruined by it.
I dealt with something similar.
We're not longer together, don't stay with liars.0 -
This is going to sound horrible, but I'm going to type it anyway:
It takes two people to have sex, and I don't think you should assume that it's the porn's fault if you're in a dry spell. There are possible other factors.
You shouldn't be snooping, and he shouldn't be lying.
Honestly, I don't get why some women are so anti-porn. Unless he's locking himself away for days and comes out with calloused hands to tell you he's been fired for not showing up to work, I don't see the problem with occasional porn use.
He wouldn't be lying about it if he didn't think there was anything wrong with it. Okay, so porn is (fill in the blank, I won't give my opinion as it doesn't matter a bit), but lying is definitely a no no.
note: I'm not defending his lying about his habit/addiction/whatever
however, he would lie about it if he knew that you were so adamantly opposed to it.0 -
Sounds a lot like my ex. We broke up because of his Internet pornography addiction. When they prefer that to you, then lie and hide it, you will never be able to trust him and it will not end well. Sorry.
Get out while you can.
^^^ This sounds about right. I mean, if he's doing it a lot, is secretive about it, and would rather watch it alone after you've offered to join him, it sounds like a problem. This relationship doesn't sound right for you. :flowerforyou:0 -
Why is it that you are so against it? Does it make you feel insecure because (generally) most of the women in porn videos are pretty fit... unless he's into the big girls (BBW? I think?). Do you consider it cheating? If so, why?
My bf of three years watches a ton of porn. Not usually when I'm around, unless *ahem* the mood strikes. ;-) He's been totally honest and upfront about it since we started dating. Sure, there's been times when I've thought "How can he be with me if he watches girls that are SO fit", but I snap out of it pretty damn fast. Plus, it's a little more motivation to get fit, eh? If he wants to watch porn to get some "relief" I'm all for it. I'd prefer that rather than him harping on me four times a day. :laugh:
The op is not getting any:-/0 -
I'll never understand what the big deal about porn is. He'll never get a chance with those "stars", he'll probably never even meet them in his lifetime. I get what you're saying as far as it bugs you for whatever your reasons may be (and you may want to look at that, not accusing, just saying, why is it such a big deal?) and I do get the trusting issue as far as him lying to you about it. He should be open with you but have you thought about why he's lying? He doesnt want to upset you and you're trying to keep him on a short leash when its really nothing you should be so upset about (thinking from his perspective) Ive been on both sides of this arguement (well not THIS EXACT arguement) as far as my BF snoops in my phone often, my FB, my MFP, my messages and call log. He's found things and blew them WAY out of proportion (ex: my best friends BF sent me a message on FB saying they were in the area and I replied with at work, call my cell. It looked like I was giving my number to my best friends BF but in actuality, I knew it was HER using his FB because her phone was broken. My BF saw it and even tried to call me out in front of my best friend and she looked at him like he was nuts, she almost yelled at him about it saying "FIRST of all, you really think Nicci would do that not only to YOU but to ME? Come on Sean, get with it, she loves you!" It went on from there explaining and telling him he should just trust me...anyways, my point is this (couple of points): 1-find out why it bugs you so much, look into the issue not that you have with your BF but that you have with porn and it not being a private thing for him to enjoy. 2-why go looking for something you dont wanna find anyways? are you going to continue looking even if after a month, 6 months, a year goes by and you dont find anything? 3-once you know the answers to 1 and 2, talk to your man again, get HIS side of how this makes him feel, not just the "you nag, you complain" crap, dig deeper cus there's something there that he feels the need to not only continue but to lie to you in the process 4-at that point, go from there. Kinda ranted....sorry...hope its helpful!0
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First, I don't mind porn. I've watched a few. My hubby has watched a few. It doesn't do it for me because I spend so much time laughing at the stupidity of the situations.
Having said that, you're not married (so no legal ties to unbind), I'm guessing you have no kids together (that would push this momma bear over the edge, having porn in the house with kids around!), and he's not into having sex with you anymore. Ummm, personal opinion and take it for what it's worth, I'd be outta there. He lied. Doesn't matter how you found out (although would you have checked if there weren't already doubts?). Lying is a biggie. He's not physically attentive anymore. The flame sometimes burns down to mere embers after you've been together for awhile, but a 23 yo guy NOT wanting to get laid by an ACTUAL woman? Buzzers and red lights are flashing in my brain. Leave, lock him out, whichever is on the lease/mortgage (yours vs. his). If he comes crawling back, don't do it until he's been regularly attending S.A. for a few months. THEN you can decide if you want to or not. If you do, make electronic transparency a must as well as a 100% no lying rule (this goes for BOTH of you). Some internet providers can put "parental controls" on the line so that NO ONE in the house can accidently go to whitehouse.com instead of whitehouse.gov. Consider asking about it.
In short, think long and hard if worrying about this is how you want to spend the next 60 years of your life. If yes, let it go. If no, make a decision.0 -
The op is not getting any:-/
THIS i have to do it myself jeeze 0 -
First, I don't mind porn. I've watched a few. My hubby has watched a few. It doesn't do it for me because I spend so much time laughing at the stupidity of the situations.
Having said that, you're not married (so no legal ties to unbind), I'm guessing you have no kids together (that would push this momma bear over the edge, having porn in the house with kids around!), and he's not into having sex with you anymore. Ummm, personal opinion and take it for what it's worth, I'd be outta there. He lied. Doesn't matter how you found out (although would you have checked if there weren't already doubts?). Lying is a biggie. He's not physically attentive anymore. The flame sometimes burns down to mere embers after you've been together for awhile, but a 23 yo guy NOT wanting to get laid by an ACTUAL woman? Buzzers and red lights are flashing in my brain. Leave, lock him out, whichever is on the lease/mortgage (yours vs. his). If he comes crawling back, don't do it until he's been regularly attending S.A. for a few months. THEN you can decide if you want to or not. If you do, make electronic transparency a must as well as a 100% no lying rule (this goes for BOTH of you). Some internet providers can put "parental controls" on the line so that NO ONE in the house can accidently go to whitehouse.com instead of whitehouse.gov. Consider asking about it.
In short, think long and hard if worrying about this is how you want to spend the next 60 years of your life. If yes, let it go. If no, make a decision.
thank you!! the real problem is that he can't talk to me about his issues with me. and i'm not going to lie the fact that it was all sorts of different genres makes me feel icky.0 -
You are both very young, however unless the porn is an issue where he can't do anything else except watch porn, then I would say he has a severe problem.
Men like porn, and believe it or not so do many women. Most men know the difference in porn and the real thing like being with their woman), and you should not try to compete with the porn stars. Usually it is simply stimulation, and most know the difference.
One question, and a word of advice: why do you snoop in his computer? When you go looking for something you will usually find it. Mind your own business. If the man treats you well, loves and respects you, and does not replace porn with having sex with you, then stop craping over the small stuff.0 -
You are both very young, however unless the porn is an issue where he can't do anything else except watch porn, then I would say he has a severe problem.
Men like porn, and believe it or not so do many women. Most men know the difference in porn and the real thing like being with their woman), and you should not try to compete with the porn stars. Usually it is simply stimulation, and most know the difference.
One question, and a word of advice: why do you snoop in his computer? When you go looking for something you will usually find it. Mind your own business. If the man treats you well, loves and respects you, and does not replace porn with having sex with you, then stop craping over the small stuff.
he withdraws and it makes me think he's up to that.0 -
95% of men watch porn. The other 5% are liars. :drinker:And for all the guys out there, porn is not to men what vibrators are to women. There are women out there who have never masturbated, or used vibrators...me for instance!!!
And not all men watch porn0 -
I've been sober my entire life and never watched a dirty movie. This makes me the 1%.0
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So you two just moved in together huh? Sounds to me like he is feeling trapped and is looking for a reality escape. His whole world has been turned upside down and he's under a lot of pressure which will affect his bedroom performance.
Was it his idea for you to move in together or was it yours?0 -
Go read "50 Shades" and meet in the middle.
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Getting off of porn is *not* an easy task for an addict, and if he's been using it for years, regularly, and he can't stop, he's an addict. The younger he started, the longer it will take. It will be difficult, and he'll likely relapse while he's recovering. The most important thing you can do is support him with love and patience. Withholding your love and verbally punishing him up about it won't help. He'll just feel worse, and use porn to sooth himself. You do not have to compromise your values to continue to love the *real him* that will return when he no longer an addict. This addiction is stronger than us women imagine.
This is one of the best resources I know regarding porn addiction: www.yourbrainonporn.com
Within that site, is a list of resources for both of you: http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/discussion-board0
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