need relationship advice :/

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Replies

  • Positive_Thinker
    Positive_Thinker Posts: 23 Member
    If you've never masturbated, I suggest you start, immediately.:glasses:
  • Crochetluvr
    Crochetluvr Posts: 3,256 Member
    I never minded porn. I used to watch it...owned videos and all. I haven't in quite awhile. I guess you get burned out on it and it all starts to look the same and BORING. But for SOME reason, men never seem to get over it. I don't see porn as cheating. My b/f is still into it and I just laugh about it.

    I don't see your b/f stopping. If you cant accept it, you may have to move on. But, TBH, I would be more concerned about his lack of intimacy with YOU rather than the porn. The 2 are not necessarily related.
  • emdeegan
    emdeegan Posts: 219 Member
    think of porn, like you think of pooping. do you want him to tell you every time he poops? i'm guessing no.. so why does he need to tell you about every time he watches porn? it reads like you are making a big deal out of small potatoes and that there is a larger underlying issue, such as your inability to trust the man you live with. i can't think of a worse situation than living with someone who was going through my personal artifacts and snooping.. actually i can, the only thing worse would be: being the person doing the snooping. porn and lack of a sex life are only symptoms to a greater relationship cancer. meet with a couples councilor, or sign up for christianmingle.com and find someone you are able to trust.
  • JennyLisT
    JennyLisT Posts: 402 Member
    This is going to sound horrible, but I'm going to type it anyway:

    It takes two people to have sex, and I don't think you should assume that it's the porn's fault if you're in a dry spell. There are possible other factors.

    You shouldn't be snooping, and he shouldn't be lying.

    Honestly, I don't get why some women are so anti-porn. Unless he's locking himself away for days and comes out with calloused hands to tell you he's been fired for not showing up to work, I don't see the problem with occasional porn use.

    He wouldn't be lying about it if he didn't think there was anything wrong with it. Okay, so porn is (fill in the blank, I won't give my opinion as it doesn't matter a bit), but lying is definitely a no no.

    note: I'm not defending his lying about his habit/addiction/whatever

    however, he would lie about it if he knew that you were so adamantly opposed to it.

    This.^ I'm not defending his lying, but the situation in which he felt the need to lie or be ashamed was created by your opposition to porn.

    Honestly, I'd leave someone who started snooping through my stuff over a bit of porn. Maybe it's a personal activity to him, like when some women hide away to read 50 Shades of Crap.
  • fairy33
    fairy33 Posts: 23
    but i don't do any of that i've given so much to him and i feel like he doesn't care :(
  • ckish
    ckish Posts: 341 Member
    It seems to me a lot of people are missing the point. It doesn't really matter if porn is good or bad or if snooping is right or wrong. The only point that matters is that, regardless of the reason, the two of you are not able to have an open honest relationship built on trust and respect. The simple fact that he feels you nag too much that he needs to lie to you and you feel the need to snoop because he can't be honest with you will ultimately destroy your relationship when one of you have had enough or are deeply hurt. Hopefully no kids or animals will be harmed in the process. It's not a reflection on either one of you - you can both be wonderful amazing people in every other area of your life. It just means that you are not a good fit for each other. Relationships are not always easy but they always fail when trust, honesty, compassion and respect are non-existant. The fact that you are not a match for each other will not go away by either of you arbitrarily changing your behavior to "solve" this particular problem. The mismatch will come about again and again in many different scenarios until one of you have had enough.
  • sleepytexan
    sleepytexan Posts: 3,138 Member
    Porn is a hard no for me. I believe it gets men in the wrong mindset. Its warps their mind and gets them confused about sex. No sex isn't all the time. No its not perfect ( trust me! ) and not every women wants you. Sex should be about love. And just because its with love doesn't mean boring. Its actually better!! So i say no porn. I would leave because you made your boundaries known up front. He LIED and refuses to live up to your standards. I don't believe you should settle. Sorry for the ppl who are pro-porn but its a no for me.

    excellent advice.
  • sleepytexan
    sleepytexan Posts: 3,138 Member
    Guys are to porn like Women are to vibrators...

    Its not becos he/she thinks less of you in a relationship or wants to slight you... its just a tool to get off when needed.

    Grammatically incorrect. Should be "porn is to men as vibrators are to women". An inanimate object is not the subject.

    Also, factually incorrect.
  • blondie0942
    blondie0942 Posts: 146 Member
    It seems to me a lot of people are missing the point. It doesn't really matter if porn is good or bad or if snooping is right or wrong. The only point that matters is that, regardless of the reason, the two of you are not able to have an open honest relationship built on trust and respect. The simple fact that he feels you nag too much that he needs to lie to you and you feel the need to snoop because he can't be honest with you will ultimately destroy your relationship when one of you have had enough or are deeply hurt. Hopefully no kids or animals will be harmed in the process. It's not a reflection on either one of you - you can both be wonderful amazing people in every other area of your life. It just means that you are not a good fit for each other. Relationships are not always easy but they always fail when trust, honesty, compassion and respect are non-existant. The fact that you are not a match for each other will not go away by either of you arbitrarily changing your behavior to "solve" this particular problem. The mismatch will come about again and again in many different scenarios until one of you have had enough.

    VERY well said. This is exactly what happened to my last relationship. I tried so hard to make it work, to change for him. But we just didn't go very well together. I'm sure he's a great guy and you're a great gal, but you two don't seem compatible for one another. Cut your losses and move on...
  • norcal_yogi
    norcal_yogi Posts: 675 Member
    And for all the guys out there, porn is not to men what vibrators are to women. There are women out there who have never masturbated, or used vibrators...me for instance!!!

    ^^ really? not sure that has the positive spin you likely intend it to....
  • sleepytexan
    sleepytexan Posts: 3,138 Member
    my issue is that we like never have sex anymore and that week that i found it he lied to me when i asked him about it.

    ^^ this is what I find odd. So he stopped having sex with you and watches porn instead? Have you asked him why?

    yes he says that i complain too much and he doesn't want to be around me but the thing is when i "complain" its usually just the basics of living together like do the dishes tonight, clean up after yourself in the bathroom, etc and he just shuts down and doesn't communicate with me at all. he just gets angry and tells me to shut up and that makes me do the opposite of shut up.

    Ugh, this guy is not what you need. Move out and move on while you still can.
  • legs_n_bacon
    legs_n_bacon Posts: 478 Member
    FYI...lesbians watch porn too
  • sleepytexan
    sleepytexan Posts: 3,138 Member
    So you two just moved in together huh? Sounds to me like he is feeling trapped and is looking for a reality escape. His whole world has been turned upside down and he's under a lot of pressure which will affect his bedroom performance.

    Was it his idea for you to move in together or was it yours?

    does it matter? they did it. blame is pointless. assess the situation and take action to change. Like, dump this guy and don't jump in so quickly next time, maybe.
  • norcal_yogi
    norcal_yogi Posts: 675 Member
    my issue is that we like never have sex anymore and that week that i found it he lied to me when i asked him about it.

    ^^ this is what I find odd. So he stopped having sex with you and watches porn instead? Have you asked him why?

    yes he says that i complain too much and he doesn't want to be around me but the thing is when i "complain" its usually just the basics of living together like do the dishes tonight, clean up after yourself in the bathroom, etc and he just shuts down and doesn't communicate with me at all. he just gets angry and tells me to shut up and that makes me do the opposite of shut up.

    Ugh, this guy is not what you need. Move out and move on while you still can.

    yes.... seriously....just leave the situation and the guy. you deserve much better. sounds miserable.
  • PapaDunx
    PapaDunx Posts: 243
    Why not watch it together ... gives you some great ideas ... :smile:
  • FutureMrsWarby
    FutureMrsWarby Posts: 96 Member
    I don't see anything wrong with my boyfriend watching it. It's not like he's sleeping with the girl, and I'd rather he watch it than cheat on me.

    Understand this: Women need emotional connection, and just as equally so-men need physical connection. If he respects your needs, you should respect his.
  • fairy33
    fairy33 Posts: 23
    I don't see anything wrong with my boyfriend watching it. It's not like he's sleeping with the girl, and I'd rather he watch it than cheat on me.

    Understand this: Women need emotional connection, and just as equally so-men need physical connection. If he respects your needs, you should respect his.

    the fact that it has to be either watch porn or cheat is completely effed up. what has society come to that women are to be disrespected like this and be okay with it? ugh
  • FutureMrsWarby
    FutureMrsWarby Posts: 96 Member
    I don't see anything wrong with my boyfriend watching it. It's not like he's sleeping with the girl, and I'd rather he watch it than cheat on me.

    Understand this: Women need emotional connection, and just as equally so-men need physical connection. If he respects your needs, you should respect his.

    the fact that it has to be either watch porn or cheat is completely effed up. what has society come to that women are to be disrespected like this and be okay with it? ugh

    Well, it's my personal opinion. No one said you had to agree with it. I personally enjoy porn too, so I'd be a hypocrite if I told him not to watch it.

    I'd love it if you would not be so condescending and act like I "accept being disrespected." It's a mutual agreement, thanks.
  • Antlady69
    Antlady69 Posts: 204 Member
    I dare say what's hurting you more than his watching porn are his lies. Tell him that, tell him your focus isn't primarily the porn but his lying.

    You said that you wouldn't mind watching with him but he refused. He might simply feel more comfortable watching it alone (and might be missing out on a lot of fun together with you, but that's another issue). But you also said that he lost interest in you.

    Only yesterday I read this interesting article: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow/201209/porn-*kitten*-and-mojo-neuroscience-perspective

    It's scientific and explains why your BF might not be able to have sex with you anymore. But please don't take this as an anti-porn article, just as a little bit of help on how to overcome your problems.
  • whierd
    whierd Posts: 14,025 Member
    How is watching porn disrespectful to women?

    And why is it any of your concern? You're his girlfriend, not his wife. At this point neither of you are obligated to the other and can easily leave if you discover undesirable traits.
  • sleepytexan
    sleepytexan Posts: 3,138 Member
    I don't see anything wrong with my boyfriend watching it. It's not like he's sleeping with the girl, and I'd rather he watch it than cheat on me.

    Understand this: Women need emotional connection, and just as equally so-men need physical connection. If he respects your needs, you should respect his.

    the fact that it has to be either watch porn or cheat is completely effed up. what has society come to that women are to be disrespected like this and be okay with it? ugh

    You know what you need to do. This guy does not make you feel loved. Stick to your guns. This is your life; don't waste a moment of it on someone who does not make you feel loved. Seriously, make a list of what qualities you want and know you do NOT have to settle. EVER.
  • whierd
    whierd Posts: 14,025 Member
    Also, being ok with him watching it with you but not ok with him doing it alone is hypocritical.
  • JennyLisT
    JennyLisT Posts: 402 Member
    I don't see anything wrong with my boyfriend watching it. It's not like he's sleeping with the girl, and I'd rather he watch it than cheat on me.

    Understand this: Women need emotional connection, and just as equally so-men need physical connection. If he respects your needs, you should respect his.

    the fact that it has to be either watch porn or cheat is completely effed up. what has society come to that women are to be disrespected like this and be okay with it? ugh

    Well, it's my personal opinion. No one said you had to agree with it. I personally enjoy porn too, so I'd be a hypocrite if I told him not to watch it.

    I'd love it if you would not be so condescending and act like I "accept being disrespected." It's a mutual agreement, thanks.

    Seriously. I've been disrespected a fair few times in my life, but SOs watching porn was never one of them.

    Also, there's this completely ridiculous idea that porn=cheating, like people are going to reach through the screen and suck you into a land of moral depravity.
  • dakotababy
    dakotababy Posts: 2,407 Member
    Every relationship is different but 1 thing that is common in every relationship to be successful is COMMUNICATION...and not just nagging or complaining, or controlling, or ignoring/avoiding - but HEALTHY communicating. There is a huge difference here.

    Personally, I have snooped through my boyfriends stash. I wanted to spice things up in the bedroom and I was wondering what he was into. To my surprised - he was actually using "webcams" where a female is nude and doing nasty **** on camera while a bunch of guys watch. (but not on webcam)

    Yeah - This made me incredibly nervous. I had to think about it, research it, and figure out how to approach this. My thought was "wow...he is cheating on me, i need to find a new place to live". But I did not have all of the details.

    After a week of going crazy over this (it created huge stress and anxiety for me and there was no way I could not say anything) I sat down with him, and pretty much told him that I snooped through his history. Shockingly he was not embarrassed, or defensive. He pretty much immediately knew where I was going with the conversation. He assured me he was NOT chatting with these girls, nor going on a webcam himself. He showed me how it works. Apparently this is the new thing? Haha. It is definitely taking it a step further...but then again its not!

    Does it bother me? yes. Is it fair for me to take this away from him? no. He has been looking at porn before I met him. I did not make any "limits" on this before we moved in together, so I feel like it would not be right for me to change the rules now.

    I would not compromise my vibrator for anything anyway. :D fair trade...and its nice not being bothered for sex every hour anyway.
  • LifestyleChange33
    LifestyleChange33 Posts: 169 Member
    He has an addiction, and addictions are embarrassing. He has a problem that he cant stop without help. Ask him to get counseling and if he refuses, re-evaluate your desire to be with him. You are young and no one should hinder your happiness. I was 30 before I learned this lesson: it is so much better to be single than it is to be unhappy!

    Good luck to you.
  • JennyLisT
    JennyLisT Posts: 402 Member
    I don't see anything wrong with my boyfriend watching it. It's not like he's sleeping with the girl, and I'd rather he watch it than cheat on me.

    Understand this: Women need emotional connection, and just as equally so-men need physical connection. If he respects your needs, you should respect his.

    the fact that it has to be either watch porn or cheat is completely effed up. what has society come to that women are to be disrespected like this and be okay with it? ugh

    You know what you need to do. This guy does not make you feel loved. Stick to your guns. This is your life; don't waste a moment of it on someone who does not make you feel loved. Seriously, make a list of what qualities you want and know you do NOT have to settle. EVER.

    I kinda agree with some points in this. I think you should leave if counseling does work out because you're just going to be (more) miserable.
  • luvtcuk
    luvtcuk Posts: 69 Member
    I am not comfortable with porn either. But I wouldn't mind if he open about it. Instead, he is secretive about it and lie about it. That is unacceptable (the fact that he lie). And seems like he is not going to change. And changing yourself is not going to happen either. And you are too young to settle.
  • madeeley
    madeeley Posts: 8 Member
    this isn't about weight loss....find a relationship forum
  • madeeley
    madeeley Posts: 8 Member
    why is this on a dieting website?
  • blackbeauty43
    blackbeauty43 Posts: 21 Member
    He's being secretive because he feels like you have invaded his personal space. Think about it this way, he has had a relationship with porn for much longer than he has with you. It is unfair to make someone change something about themselves because it makes you uncomfortable....and honestly isn't it better than him engaging in the real thing with other women?! My husband and I have been together for 7 yrs and he has more porn than I have ever seen in my life. It will not make your relationship weaker unless YOU let it.

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