need relationship advice :/
Replies
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if you think he disrespects you, lies, and then blames you for it, then it sounds like this isn't the right relationship for you.0
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I would try to get your sex life back on track just because he is viewing porn doesnt mean he is cheating or loves you less he should however respect your feelings and not watch it but then one could say you should respect his privacy. The lack of sex worries me more then the porn its hard with me as they shut down when we need to talk it out they are weird the more we nag or talk the more they pull away from us mentally and emotionally, if he wont talk it out yet start to be positive around him not mention it and get things in the bedroom happening then later down the track see if he is willing to talk about why he hid it0
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He's being secretive because he feels like you have invaded his personal space. Think about it this way, he has had a relationship with porn for much longer than he has with you. It is unfair to make someone change something about themselves because it makes you uncomfortable....and honestly isn't it better than him engaging in the real thing with other women?! My husband and I have been together for 7 yrs and he has more porn than I have ever seen in my life. It will not make your relationship weaker unless YOU let it.
This has several valid points. Instead of being upset about it, involved yourself in it with him. Men are very different from women, you need to at least *try to understand* where he comes from about it.0 -
Every guy watches porn at least some of the time. If you've got a problem with this you're going to be a very lonely old lady with 72 cats some day. Food for thought.0
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People lie and even women that don't watch porn can cheat on their SO. This sounds like such a minor problem that I can'treally side with you. I don't think your wrong for feeling the way you do but I think there most be other issues going on in the relationship.0
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It's my opinion that this post (or rather the feeling behind it) is the reason that he lies to you about it in the first place. Telling him "just tell me and i won't be mad" means nothing to him after hearing about it so many times. There is clearly a huge trust issue here, and it's not that you can't trust him. He clearly can't trust you enough to be honest about. It sounds like he's afraid to be honest with you because he knows exactly what your reaction is. As for the porn side of things, I see nothing wrong with it if it's what he enjoys. As long as he's not spending the family money and going broke on the porn or as long as he can go without it for any period of time, then there is no harm done. Obviously the fact that your sex life is suffering is rooted from this lack of trust and understanding. You need to look inside yourself and understand why you can't accept that he enjoys it from time to time and then sit down and have a meaningful "no-hate" conversation, where you both promise at the start to be honest and open and that no feelings will be hurt or anything like that. Since I'll be 24 in a couple weeks I disagree with the idea that 24 is too young to settle down. There is never a "right" age. It's all about the situation at hand. I know many people our age who are happily married, and age plays no role in their love. Anyway, I think that at best you two should seek counseling, and at worst you may not be compatible. Expecting the other person to change is a bad way to live in a relationship. It can only end in heartbreak.0
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I don't see anything wrong with my boyfriend watching it. It's not like he's sleeping with the girl, and I'd rather he watch it than cheat on me.
Understand this: Women need emotional connection, and just as equally so-men need physical connection. If he respects your needs, you should respect his.
the fact that it has to be either watch porn or cheat is completely effed up. what has society come to that women are to be disrespected like this and be okay with it? ugh
Well, it's my personal opinion. No one said you had to agree with it. I personally enjoy porn too, so I'd be a hypocrite if I told him not to watch it.
I'd love it if you would not be so condescending and act like I "accept being disrespected." It's a mutual agreement, thanks.
thinking oh at least he's just watching porn not effing another girl as if we have to accept either is stupid. thats what the boyfriend said like i have to pick one um neither please thanks.0 -
I don't see anything wrong with my boyfriend watching it. It's not like he's sleeping with the girl, and I'd rather he watch it than cheat on me.
Understand this: Women need emotional connection, and just as equally so-men need physical connection. If he respects your needs, you should respect his.
the fact that it has to be either watch porn or cheat is completely effed up. what has society come to that women are to be disrespected like this and be okay with it? ugh
Well, it's my personal opinion. No one said you had to agree with it. I personally enjoy porn too, so I'd be a hypocrite if I told him not to watch it.
I'd love it if you would not be so condescending and act like I "accept being disrespected." It's a mutual agreement, thanks.
thinking oh at least he's just watching porn not effing another girl as if we have to accept either is stupid. thats what the boyfriend said like i have to pick one um neither please thanks.
Really? We're doing insults now? I was trying to explain to you *my* take on the situation in a way I thought maybe you'd understand where he's coming from.
If it's "stupid" to you, then work it out or leave him, that's what you do. You sound like you know what you want, you're just not taking action. You don't need our help if all you're going to do is fire back with insulting commentary.
It's my personal desire to let my bf watch it, because I enjoy it too. I'm not "accepting" anything. Maybe I should just tell you that your opinion on porn is "stupid" too, since we're going that route.0 -
I don't see anything wrong with my boyfriend watching it. It's not like he's sleeping with the girl, and I'd rather he watch it than cheat on me.
Understand this: Women need emotional connection, and just as equally so-men need physical connection. If he respects your needs, you should respect his.
the fact that it has to be either watch porn or cheat is completely effed up. what has society come to that women are to be disrespected like this and be okay with it? ugh
Well, it's my personal opinion. No one said you had to agree with it. I personally enjoy porn too, so I'd be a hypocrite if I told him not to watch it.
I'd love it if you would not be so condescending and act like I "accept being disrespected." It's a mutual agreement, thanks.
thinking oh at least he's just watching porn not effing another girl as if we have to accept either is stupid. thats what the boyfriend said like i have to pick one um neither please thanks.
Really? We're doing insults now? I was trying to explain to you *my* take on the situation in a way I thought maybe you'd understand where he's coming from.
If it's "stupid" to you, then work it out or leave him, that's what you do. You sound like you know what you want, you're just not taking action. You don't need our help if all you're going to do is fire back with insulting commentary.
It's my personal desire to let my bf watch it, because I enjoy it too. I'm not "accepting" anything. Maybe I should just tell you that your opinion on porn is "stupid" too, since we're going that route.
oh calm down i wasn't insulting you i'm saying that I personally think its stupid that i have to choose to either be cheated on or him looking at porn. why am i not enough?0 -
You don't *have to choose* anything. You can move on to someone different. If this is such a big deal to you, then you need to end the relationship.0
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You don't *have to choose* anything. You can move on to someone different. If this is such a big deal to you, then you need to end the relationship.
but sadly based on everything in this world it seems like i have no choice but to either accept feeling disrespected or being alone forever. i feel like i should just be with someone for convenience because falling for someone just makes it complicated and someone always gets hurt.0 -
You talk about being disrespected, but you've made your boyfriend feel so uncomfortable for something that is not so major in the grand scheme of things.
I'm starting to hope you're a whiny troll.0 -
You talk about being disrespected, but you've made your boyfriend feel so uncomfortable for something that is not so major in the grand scheme of things.
I'm starting to hope you're a whiny troll.
unfortunately this is a real situation and i'm a real person
it's not even that i'm insecure because when i go out i get hit on all the time i guess i'm just upset that i could give my whole heart to someone who can just hurt me and think saying sorry is going to make it okay. 0 -
I'm watching porn right meow0
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Very funny almarsala!0
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I've been sober my entire life and never watched a dirty movie. This makes me the 1%.
yeah, my fiance doesn't watch porn either. he did occasionally when he was younger, but i think there's something inherent within most porn that makes him a little uncomfortable/uneasy (although i can say with certainty it's not the "sex" aspect). i've suggested watching porn together but he just doesn't get into it.0 -
I'm watching porn right meow
at least you're honest!0 -
First off, porn is definitely not a terrible crime. However, if he is doing it behind your back and your relationship/sex life is suffering badly because he would rather get off to porn and not be involved with you --- that is NOT okay!
Second, you are snooping around - and I don't blame you in your case - but that is the ultimate pointer that you CANNOT trust him. Further, you are stuck in a cycle of not being able to trust him, then you snoop around which gives him reason to BLAME you for being the one in the wrong. In my opinion, he does not seem to care about your feelings. If he called you "crazy" and is telling you that your constant nagging is making him distant then why even bother trying to stick with this guy?
I understand that you have been together a while and moving in together is a huge step and makes things much more complicated -- in the case of "what if we have to break up?". That is hard as hell to have to face and especially to have to part ways.
But in my opinion, it's clear from the little bit that you have provided that you cannot trust him and he cannot trust you. Trust is absolutely KEY in a relationship that is longterm and one that may, or you hope it may result in marriage. Nobody has a perfect relationship but there are certain values/morals that you MUST share in order to make it last. Trust and communication are THE things that keep relationships healthy and long lasting.
I had to leave my ex fiance because he turned abusive. It turned my whole life upside down for years. I was homeless with a baby because of him. Then a couple years later, before I met my current boyfriend of 2+ years, I dated a guy that was great except that he wasn't mature enough for me. One night I was sick and he was more interested in walking down to the bar. I gave him a specific warning. Then 2 weeks after that incident, he did something that I had told him was going to be the end of our relationship. I guess he figured he could do whatever he wanted and I wouldn't have the balls to actually get rid of him? I kicked him out and we were through. I think being through the shelters and abusive situation prior to him just really made me aware of what type of man I REALLY wanted and NEEDED. Someone who loves and respects me. You need someone that you can trust to love and respect you too. Luckily for me, all my hell was worth it because I have been with a great guy for the last 2 years. We have no secrets we keep from one another. He makes me feel SAFE. I know without a doubt that he has no interest in anyone else. He's very mature.
Anyway, I'll be 26 soon so we're close in age and I understand what it means to feel like you've found the "one" and invest years of your life on a relationship that doesn't meet your standards. Nobody is perfect but you have to look deep inside yourself and figure out what exactly are your dealbreakers and stand up for your values/morals and yourself. Put your foot down and end the relationship. If he doesn't trust you now and you can't trust him then you two are broken beyond repair (forget that he says he will "change"! You should NOT have to make promises to your partner that you will "change". His efforts to change are likely a big crock of BS based on his history).
You are 24, way too young to settle for someone who does not RESPECT you and does not care that his actions are purposely hurting you. It's time to figure out your exit strategy. It's hard and I do not envy you. But there is a better guy out there waiting for a great girl and you will find him. We have to weed through the bad ones before we can appreciate the good ones!
I wish you lots and lots of luck!
- Nichele0 -
I'm watching porn right meow
at least you're honest!
Maybe she doesn't have a partner nagging about it and going through her personal things.
The posts a nighttime stomach ache leads me to read...0 -
I have been in that relationship and the best advice I can give is in the form of a question.
If nothing changed in your relationship would you be happy in 1 year? 5 years? 10 years?
It's not a fun lesson to learn but you can't have a relationship with someone based on what you want them to be or change. It's not fair to you and it's not fair to them.
BTW: my answer to those questions was no, so I left. 5 years later he has done the same thing to several girls (including his current pregnant fiance) and I am happily married to a man who didn't have to change.0 -
I am so sorry you are feeling that your choices are limited. If you truly believe what you posted ---- " but sadly based on everything in this world it seems like i have no choice but to either accept feeling disrespected or being alone forever. i feel like i should just be with someone for convenience because falling for someone just makes it complicated and someone always gets hurt."----then you should strongly consider not being in any relationship until you are healed enough to see the infinite number of options that lie between being disrespect and being alone forever. It sounds like you have a great deal of personal issues to sort out before you can be in a successful relationship. I sincerely hope you will take the time to face on overcome the challenges you have endured which have led you to believe those are the only option you have. You are still fairly young and have many more happier years in front of you. I hope you will not waste them by remaining in a convenient relationship because you were afraid someone would get hurt. Life is too precious to waste. Better to spend the next few years preparing yourself for a healthy relationship then wallowing in misery. There is an old song from 1977 that I often used to remind me to avoid so so relationships and wait for the man I am still happily married to after 29 years. Its called It's sad to belong (to someone else when the right one comes along). It is sad to say that even of "the right one" came along you wouldn't be ready for it. I hope in 10 years you will look back on the decisions you make today and be wiser and better off for the struggles you are going thru. If not you'll just be 10 years older and a lot more unhappy. I sincerely hope you will find peace and comfort in the road that lies ahead of you. You truely deserve to have a tremendously happy life filled with loving relationships. Someday you will be able to look back and say all the pain I endured was worth it because of the loving person who will be standing beside you. I look forward to congratulating you for all of your hard work and preserverence when you finally post your new found happiness. And will rejoice with you if you are ever blessed enough to share your hard-fought wisdom with a 20-something daughter facing the same dilema. Take care my dear!0
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my issue is that we like never have sex anymore and that week that i found it he lied to me when i asked him about it.
^^ this is what I find odd. So he stopped having sex with you and watches porn instead? Have you asked him why?
yes he says that i complain too much and he doesn't want to be around me but the thing is when i "complain" its usually just the basics of living together like do the dishes tonight, clean up after yourself in the bathroom, etc and he just shuts down and doesn't communicate with me at all. he just gets angry and tells me to shut up and that makes me do the opposite of shut up.
Personally, I would get out now entirely.
"I complain too much" = your nagging me
Please pick up after yourself, but doesn't- you are nagging again... (no respect for you) = you are his handmaiden.
Unless you want to live a life of service to him along with lies.... get out now.
No, Not right for you to snoop, but if you have a reason to snoop-- you should be uncomfortable with a living a life as such. Doesn't matter if it's porn (no matter what kind) or any other addiction.
A person that can admit a true addiction will admit their fault, not blame it on their partner, and seek help.
Just my two cents worth.0 -
I am so sorry you are feeling that your choices are limited. If you truly believe what you posted ---- " but sadly based on everything in this world it seems like i have no choice but to either accept feeling disrespected or being alone forever. i feel like i should just be with someone for convenience because falling for someone just makes it complicated and someone always gets hurt."----then you should strongly consider not being in any relationship until you are healed enough to see the infinite number of options that lie between being disrespect and being alone forever. It sounds like you have a great deal of personal issues to sort out before you can be in a successful relationship. I sincerely hope you will take the time to face on overcome the challenges you have endured which have led you to believe those are the only option you have. You are still fairly young and have many more happier years in front of you. I hope you will not waste them by remaining in a convenient relationship because you were afraid someone would get hurt. Life is too precious to waste. Better to spend the next few years preparing yourself for a healthy relationship then wallowing in misery. There is an old song from 1977 that I often used to remind me to avoid so so relationships and wait for the man I am still happily married to after 29 years. Its called It's sad to belong (to someone else when the right one comes along). It is sad to say that even of "the right one" came along you wouldn't be ready for it. I hope in 10 years you will look back on the decisions you make today and be wiser and better off for the struggles you are going thru. If not you'll just be 10 years older and a lot more unhappy. I sincerely hope you will find peace and comfort in the road that lies ahead of you. You truely deserve to have a tremendously happy life filled with loving relationships. Someday you will be able to look back and say all the pain I endured was worth it because of the loving person who will be standing beside you. I look forward to congratulating you for all of your hard work and preserverence when you finally post your new found happiness. And will rejoice with you if you are ever blessed enough to share your hard-fought wisdom with a 20-something daughter facing the same dilema. Take care my dear!
What he said!0 -
Sounds like neither of you have any reason to trust or respect each other.
The only reason that comes immediately to mind for a guy to choose porn over sex...he's about to end his current relationship. Between your snooping and his lying, your emotional ties are broken. He doesn't have feelings for you anymore. Move on and realize that the vast majority of guys look at porn on occasion.
If I were in his shoes, I'd have gotten out long ago.0 -
I think it's a bit of an assumption to assume this guy has a sexual addiction just because he enjoys porn. He's not open about it because he knows he'll be reprimanded for it and it's easier to have a quieter life - besides - don't we all enjoy a little bit of life that is not shared?
He may have performance anxiety which leads him to get off on his own rather than with you? Or perhaps your sex life is too straight-laced for him and he gets excited by things he would have too much respect to ask you for? Or perhaps he's just selfish and would rather pleasure himself rather than be bothered to have to get a woman there too?
I think if you take yourself out of the equation and consider he's doing this because he wants to - and not to upset you - you'll deal with it better. If all other aspects of your relationship are fine and you feel you can carry on and put this into the background then do so, but otherwise you may need to find someone else to be with but this continuing bad feeling between you won't further your relationship.0 -
porn is normal for most guys. making it "taboo" is only going to exacerbate things. guys watch porn. it is NOT a big deal. i used to feel that it was, but now that i'm older, i know that it's not. it's natural for a guy to be interested in porn. it doesn't mean that he's "cheating" on you in his mind. it's just something that excites and interests him.
getting mad at him for watching porn is the equivalent of getting mad at him for masturbating. it is normal, natural, and pretty much everyone masturbates. making him ashamed of it is the worst thing you could possibly do....oh wait, no, SNOOPING through his **** is the worst thing you could possibly do. it's invasive and just plain rude. that's like him reading your diary and getting pissed at you for what you wrote.
and to be honest, nothing makes me more disinterested in sex than knowing that my partner doesn't trust me....and nothing says "i dont trust you" more than snooping through his PRIVATE things. just because you live together doesn't mean you BOTH dont deserve a little privacy.0 -
All guys look at porn. All of them. (ok, fine, 99%, cause I'm sure there's people on here who will say their partners don't, or they don't (: ) And they will keep doing it whatever you say, but I kinda also think they have a right to. I don't think you need to feel threatened by it, and we all need to give our partners a bit of space and let them have their own erotic imaginations.
I understand that it has upset you (the lying more than the actual watching of it...). I think it's great that you offered to watch it with him, and maybe he'll get comfortable with that, but otherwise, you'll need to fall into the compromise that most people in long term relationships have. He is considerate enough not to leave it lying around and or make it too easy for you to find. In return, don't go looking for it, or put him in a corner where he's forced to lie to you. Everyone snoops a little bit, but don't be surprised to find porn if you go digging for it.
I really really recommend reading what Dan Savage has to say on the subject (Savage Love Podcasts or his blog) - it changed my mind about the subject entirely.0 -
If you guys want to stay together, I suggest counseling because you're both in the wrong.0
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I am so sorry you are feeling that your choices are limited. If you truly believe what you posted ---- " but sadly based on everything in this world it seems like i have no choice but to either accept feeling disrespected or being alone forever. i feel like i should just be with someone for convenience because falling for someone just makes it complicated and someone always gets hurt."----then you should strongly consider not being in any relationship until you are healed enough to see the infinite number of options that lie between being disrespect and being alone forever. It sounds like you have a great deal of personal issues to sort out before you can be in a successful relationship. I sincerely hope you will take the time to face on overcome the challenges you have endured which have led you to believe those are the only option you have. You are still fairly young and have many more happier years in front of you. I hope you will not waste them by remaining in a convenient relationship because you were afraid someone would get hurt. Life is too precious to waste. Better to spend the next few years preparing yourself for a healthy relationship then wallowing in misery. There is an old song from 1977 that I often used to remind me to avoid so so relationships and wait for the man I am still happily married to after 29 years. Its called It's sad to belong (to someone else when the right one comes along). It is sad to say that even of "the right one" came along you wouldn't be ready for it. I hope in 10 years you will look back on the decisions you make today and be wiser and better off for the struggles you are going thru. If not you'll just be 10 years older and a lot more unhappy. I sincerely hope you will find peace and comfort in the road that lies ahead of you. You truely deserve to have a tremendously happy life filled with loving relationships. Someday you will be able to look back and say all the pain I endured was worth it because of the loving person who will be standing beside you. I look forward to congratulating you for all of your hard work and preserverence when you finally post your new found happiness. And will rejoice with you if you are ever blessed enough to share your hard-fought wisdom with a 20-something daughter facing the same dilema. Take care my dear!
^ This is the most compassionate advice on this entire post. I also wish you well. The world is big and beautiful, go out and find your place in it. :flowerforyou:0 -
Run for the hills. Him and his tool can finally be happy sticking pages together, and you can move on with your life and find yourself a nice guy (there are plenty of them) who will appreciate you as a desirable, sexy, wanted life partner to be with, and not just as a walking vajayjay with an annoying person attached to it, that he has to 'put up with' in order to give his hand a break in between fantasizing about everyone else he'd rather be sticking. It's a win win. You'll both be happier. Best wishes.0
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