need relationship advice :/

My bf and I have been together for nearly 12 and half years now, I've been through this during our early stages as well.
I know most girls are not THAT into porn or don't understand it as guys do, personally I don't see anything wrong with a guy watching porn. sex is a lot different to guys as it is to girls, ( i don't mean all just in general) and the fact that he is taking out his sexuality in the home, by himself is MUCH better than him going off and doing it with someone else.

In addition to his porn watching you can probably use what he has seen in porn to your own sex life. much of what guys learn in the bedroom comes from seeing what others do. (think about it as learning a new exercise you gotta see how it's done then try it yourself) If you don't accept that example then think of this, have you ever fantasized about a sexual encounter? (don't need an answer just think to yourself) how much different is it watching it in your mind, then watching it on a screen? (besides faces)
One mistake that girls make is they think that a guy watching porn means they want to "bang" the girl that's in the porn. Not true (in most cases). It's just the sex, not the person.


Watching porn is not a hit against you it's natural and quite frankly a way to give you a break cause a lot of guys seem to need a form of "release" several times a day which can get quite exhausting.

Getting upset about the porn watching will just encourage him to hide more from you. It will take some doing but you'll have to just accept it. and remind yourself, he's not watching porn as a hit against you. He's not watching it to hurt you, and he probably doesn't enjoy hiding things from you, just doesn't want to upset you about his normal guy fixation.
from my experience, overcoming my discomfort with my bf watching porn has helped our relationship a lot. I used to have a lot of security/ jealousy issues and that was the first step I took to get over that part of myself. Security in yourself will strengthen the security of a relationship

I seriously don't understand why some women get their panties in such a bunch about guys watching porn. They act like it's the most horrible thing a person can do.

Some people like porn. Men and women both. Some don't like it. If you don't like it, it's not unreasonable to request that they don't watch it in front of you. However, it IS unreasonable to demand that they never, ever watch it. Are you also going to demand that they never fantasize about anything? Are you also going to demand that they never watch a love/sex scene in the movies or on TV?

Looking at porn is NOT cheating. When you go to the movies and swoon over the latest Hollywood heartthrob, does that mean you're cheating? Of course not. There's no personal relationship, no touching, no emotion in either scenario. It has absolutely nothing to do with his feelings towards you. And for those who immediately diagnose him with an addiction because he's trying to hide it? Puh-lease. He's trying to hide it because his girlfriend goes berserk when she finds out about it, not because he's addicted.

The only time porn is a problem is if it replaces your sex life. In your case, I strongly suspect the lack of physical intimacy between the two of you has absolutely nothing to do with him looking at porn, and everything to do with you complaining a lot and trying to control him.

I seriously don't understand why some women get their panties in such a bunch about guys watching porn. They act like it's the most horrible thing a person can do.

Some people like porn. Men and women both. Some don't like it. If you don't like it, it's not unreasonable to request that they don't watch it in front of you. However, it IS unreasonable to demand that they never, ever watch it. Are you also going to demand that they never fantasize about anything? Are you also going to demand that they never watch a love/sex scene in the movies or on TV?

Looking at porn is NOT cheating. When you go to the movies and swoon over the latest Hollywood heartthrob, does that mean you're cheating? Of course not. There's no personal relationship, no touching, no emotion in either scenario. It has absolutely nothing to do with his feelings towards you. And for those who immediately diagnose him with an addiction because he's trying to hide it? Puh-lease. He's trying to hide it because his girlfriend goes berserk when she finds out about it, not because he's addicted.

The only time porn is a problem is if it replaces your sex life. In your case, I strongly suspect the lack of physical intimacy between the two of you has absolutely nothing to do with him looking at porn, and everything to do with you complaining a lot and trying to control him.

^All of this. Porn use does not always equal porn addiction. I think he's hiding it because of your nagging and snooping. Plus, you've made him feel awkward about something sexual- I wouldn't have sex with you either.

Also, I wonder how many of the NO-PORN-EVER women on here went to see Magic Mike or read 'historical romances'.

I won't even touch the subject of porn.......the lying...been there, done that.....I just split with my bf because of the constant lies, even after telling me he will never lie again.....and he did!! Get out and don't look back!! NEVER SETTLE, you are worth more than that!!!

listen to me carefully now

All. Men. Watch. Porn. All of them. Get over it and shut up

this. It doesn't mean we want our wives to be porn stars. OP's problem is that her husband is using it to get off daily and he doesn't have anything left for her. That's the issue she needs to discuss. Is she exciting him? Missionary style only? Unwilling to experiment?

Although I have nothing against porn and believe it is a way to act out fantasies or just for fun, all men do not watch porn. Majority? Absolutely.
But I don't see why people are failing to realize the real problem here, the fact he is lying and the fact OP mentioned their sex life is suffering. The sneaky behavior and lack of physical intimacy with his partner screams 'addiction'. If he had any balls, he'd simply wouldn't sneak around about it and explain to her why he watches it. She also did mention she would be willing to watch it with him. So clearly it is the dude that has some issues regarding his porn habits.

OP, you shouldn't be snooping, but you also shouldn't be feeling the urge to. The real problem here is your significant other's lies. Maybe a third person mediator would be a good idea for you both. He could just be embarrassed, or wants to please you so bad he chooses lying over telling the truth, none of us can know for sure but you shouldn't be okay with him lying to you. If anything, it is making you feel insecure.

P.s., has no one ever heard of private browsing? It is so easy to hide what you're looking at online now-a-days, I am surprised he is dumb enough to get caught, lol.

THIS THIS THIS

Yes. They ALL watch it.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/relationships/6709646/All-men-watch-porn-scientists-find.html

I could link about 6 more studies stating otherwise. Not all men watch it. (um, not all men even have access to it?). Besides, there is no way that study polled the entire male population of the world, or even the entire male population that has access to some form of pornography. That is such a ridiculous generalization. I absolutely think the majority do, and have zero qualms with it, it just isn't true that ALL men do.

Some women are so desperate to "keep a man" they will put up with some seriously wrong BS. And claim "I like it, too!" No they don't. They like not being alone. They're the kind of women who come here and post endless poll threads about guys' preferences. They're as needy as the OP.

I think I love you... :flowerforyou:

I seriously don't understand why some women get their panties in such a bunch about guys watching porn. They act like it's the most horrible thing a person can do.

Unless it's basic cable Cinemax porn or random Playboys, which I'm going to bet is NOT what the OP is talking about, it's incredibly degrading to women. 99% of the time. I don't understand why women WOULDN'T be upset by being held up to that standard. Because they have no self-respect? We're lying to ourselves if we claim the word "porn" always means just random people humping while you watch. It's more problematic than that.

I haven't seen Magic Mike, but I assume no one calls Channing Tatum a ***** and then finishes on his face, so there really isn't an equivalent social acceptance for this type of thing with men.

Some women are so desperate to "keep a man" they will put up with some seriously wrong BS. And claim "I like it, too!" No they don't. They like not being alone. They're the kind of women who come here and post endless poll threads about guys' preferences. They're as needy as the OP.

I pretty much agree with most of this.

I seriously don't understand why some women get their panties in such a bunch about guys watching porn. They act like it's the most horrible thing a person can do.

Unless it's basic cable Cinemax porn or random Playboys, which I'm going to bet is NOT what the OP is talking about, it's incredibly degrading to women. 99% of the time. I don't understand why women WOULDN'T be upset by being held up to that standard. Because they have no self-respect? We're lying to ourselves if we claim the word "porn" always means just random people humping while you watch. It's more problematic than that.

I haven't seen Magic Mike, but I assume no one calls Channing Tatum a ***** and then finishes on his face, so there really isn't an equivalent social acceptance for this type of thing with men.

Some women are so desperate to "keep a man" they will put up with some seriously wrong BS. And claim "I like it, too!" No they don't. They like not being alone. They're the kind of women who come here and post endless poll threads about guys' preferences. They're as needy as the OP.

Ugh, there are just as many "degrading" porn videos of women doing horrible things to men. It's not "degrading," it's called "acting." I'm going to assume you never watch any kind of movies, television shows, or read any books, because there are millions of examples of men "degrading" women in plenty of classic literature.

Porn is a form of entertainment, no different, better, or worse than any other form of entertainment.

I seriously don't understand why some women get their panties in such a bunch about guys watching porn. They act like it's the most horrible thing a person can do.

Unless it's basic cable Cinemax porn or random Playboys, which I'm going to bet is NOT what the OP is talking about, it's incredibly degrading to women. 99% of the time. I don't understand why women WOULDN'T be upset by being held up to that standard. Because they have no self-respect? We're lying to ourselves if we claim the word "porn" always means just random people humping while you watch. It's more problematic than that.

I haven't seen Magic Mike, but I assume no one calls Channing Tatum a ***** and then finishes on his face, so there really isn't an equivalent social acceptance for this type of thing with men.

Some women are so desperate to "keep a man" they will put up with some seriously wrong BS. And claim "I like it, too!" No they don't. They like not being alone. They're the kind of women who come here and post endless poll threads about guys' preferences. They're as needy as the OP.

There are a lot of women who love being in porn. There are also a lot of fetishes out there, plenty of them that degrade men, too. Some people may call it degrading, but there are others who would say it is women being empowered to do what they want. If they like sex, and it pays well, then let them do what they want. As long as it's between consenting adults who fully understand and enjoy what they're doing, then there should be no problem here.

As far as being held up to a certain standard, that's pretty much crap. My husband actually prefers amateur porn. There are women of all sizes and shapes, and he certainly doesn't expect me to look or act like them. In fact, when we do have porn on, I'm typically the one doing the watching, because he's, erm.....busy.

As far as your statement about women being so desperate to keep a man that they'll put up with some seriously wrong BS? Yes, this is true. But a man watching porn in private is NOT "seriously wrong BS". He's not forcing HER to watch it, he's watching it by himself. The "seriously wrong BS" here is snooping on his phone and computer, trying to control what he does.

I'm willing to bet that a lot of women who are so horrified and offended by porn love to read 50 Shades of Grey, or even worse, the bodice-ripper romance novels that depict a man taking a woman against her will. Now THAT'S offensive.

Completely agree. I'm glad to be in an age where it is becoming okay for women to watch porn and not look down on us for us enjoying sexual activities that men always had enjoyed.

go to lovepanky.com theres an article on this....personally im not bothered about porn, most men do it, and not for the reasons your thinking, if your going to snoop you cant make him "wrong" when you find something you dont like...and dont assume that he will love you less or find you less attractive..as soon as a man sees boobies or a vajayjay they are turned on...they dont even notice our flaws! sounds like you need to learn a little bit more about men and how they function... p.s if you have a problem with him watching porn alone what makes you think he will want to watch it with you?

you should also stop snooping its a trust thing and clearly you dont have it he's lied to you about porn that;s it .. and its only porn men are horny all the time it's perfectly natural for them watch it all the time he's only going to jack off to it... i think its really no big deal

I dont think you are going to particularly like my advice, but here goes. I think you should end it with him , move out and not be living in sin. It is a sin against God to be having sex outside of marriage. I dd it too at your age and hw I wish I could go back and change that now that I am more concerned about pleasing to God. He surely does not sound like husband or father material so in my opinion I would not waste my time. You need to get out of this and rethink your priorities in life . If you want to truly be happy in the future you need to take some soul searching time and seek Gods will for your life. He created you for himself - to know him ,to love him and to serve him . He loves you more than you can imagine and you are precious to him. Please take no art in the disgusting evil acts of pornogrphy. It has ruined many,many lives and marriages. Find a Godly man to be with ,one that will honor you and love you in the way you are made to be treasured! He'll also make a good father if you ever blessed with children. Gd bless you ! Sorry for sounding so motherly - but Ive been where u are at and I wished someone ad said this to me!! Dee

Really? I think I threw up in my mouth a little bit right then. Back in our hay day, my husband and I watched the occasional porn, at 42 he still loves looking at boobs, yes, I said it, BOOBS. We even visited a.....should I dare say....strip club every now and again. (For party occasions and things of the like). We may have even lived in SIN for 2 years before getting married. God strike me down NOW! Oh Jesus I'm a harlot! And my sick and disturbed husband is not fit to be a father because he likes the occasionial "evil disgusting porn".

Get OVER yourself! I have no problems with Christianity, but really?

I'll have you know, that my husband and I are freak a leaks! OK! AND get this tiny little bitty. Our 15 year old GORGEOUS daughter who models for the NCPG group, is very open with us about sex, wears a purity ring, is an honor roll student taking college level English for gifted kids, is in the JROTC, is commited to joining the Navy when she graduates and going into law enforcement. And was not raised in a Christian...... OMG if you that you are going hell.....home. The only thing we preach around my house is openness and honesty. My husband has made a fine father, and their relationship speaks for itself. They
are closer than any teenager I know who's parents are pushing the bible down their throat, or making them feel like something is wrong with them for liking porn. Not everyone believes the way you do....It does not mean they wont make fit husbands or fathers.

Sorry to OP for that rant on your thread. It had to be said.

hey guys. you all have valid points about this whole thing. i showed him the forum last night and we talked about it but of course i'm a girl and i'm still hurt and upset which turns him off even more. we are still together because we do have our really good times and we use to be best friends.

i keep making excuses for him because this is all my side of the story. i know we are both in the wrong. where we are now is we made a chore chart last night and agreed to follow it.. i'm still upset about this whole thing but he said he would communicate with me before hand. i realize that in order to make this better i do need to "get over it" but i will not stand for being disrespected again. if our home life doesn't get better after really trying i will leave before the end of this year. but sadly i feel like i'm the only one that really loses here.

anyway he's at work right now so i plan to clean the house today myself and give him a nice little surprise tonight like someone suggested. i'm going to put some porn on when he gets home and hopefully we can have good sex finally!

thank you everyone for your input.

So pretty much she's going to completely ignore everyone's advice, eventually marry the dude and they'll both be unhappy until they realize they made a mistake 20 years down the road and then she'll divorce. Sad.

hey guys. you all have valid points about this whole thing. i showed him the forum last night and we talked about it but of course i'm a girl and i'm still hurt and upset which turns him off even more. we are still together because we do have our really good times and we use to be best friends.

i keep making excuses for him because this is all my side of the story. i know we are both in the wrong. where we are now is we made a chore chart last night and agreed to follow it.. i'm still upset about this whole thing but he said he would communicate with me before hand. i realize that in order to make this better i do need to "get over it" but i will not stand for being disrespected again. if our home life doesn't get better after really trying i will leave before the end of this year. but sadly i feel like i'm the only one that really loses here.

anyway he's at work right now so i plan to clean the house today myself and give him a nice little surprise tonight like someone suggested. i'm going to put some porn on when he gets home and hopefully we can have good sex finally!

thank you everyone for your input.

So pretty much she's going to completely ignore everyone's advice, eventually marry the dude and they'll both be unhappy until they realize they made a mistake 20 years down the road and then she'll divorce. Sad.

Generally anyone who posts on a board for advice usually has their mind made up and just want cheerleaders.

So pretty much she's going to completely ignore everyone's advice, eventually marry the dude and they'll both be unhappy until they realize they made a mistake 20 years down the road and then she'll divorce. Sad.

no that is not true at all. i've taken everyones advice.. my issue is that we have gotten to the point that he neglects me and i feel disrespected and he does this because i'm "a nag" i know that i have not been the most pleasant person for a while so it really is both of us at fault. he should communicate with me better and i shouldn't be a crazy b about every little thing and be more positive. he isn't always an a-hole just sometimes hah. i'm getting past this and going to see if everything else falls into place.. and if it doesn't soon i will leave but i don't want to look back and have regrets 20 years down the road and wonder what could have happened if i had really tried.

It sounds like you just want people to say "oh poor you" and then you want to stay with someone you obviously aren't happy with and I get the feeling he's not that thrilled about you either. Best of luck to you.

Really? REALLY? You're criticizing her for communicating with him about the problem, rather than just walking out and dumping him? Seriously?

It sounds like they both realize they've made mistakes, and are working to try to resolve them. This is how you maintain a good relationship - with communication. Why on EARTH would you criticize someone for doing the mature, healthy thing?

Fairy33, I hope everything works out for you.