need relationship advice :/

1234568»

Replies

  • ashesfromfire
    ashesfromfire Posts: 867 Member
    Okay, I've heard women comment on the men watching porn thing many many times - about how they're shocked their man does, or concerned, or mind it....and it's just something I don't really understand. I'm not a big fan of porn myself but it has never bothered me if my man watches it. The only time I do is if he asks me to watch it with him (honestly most of it is funny cheesy to me). Men (and i'm sorry men for this over-generalization) watch porn. I'm not surprise or horrified by this reality. many women do to. The only problem with it I have is the large quantity of porn that has extreme violence towards women depicted - which I can understand being concerned if your partner watches an abundance of that, other wise I'm really not emotional compromised by the fact that my boyfriend watches it sometimes.

    The lying is a problem. But men (again being over-general here, sorry) lie. There's quite a lot of research to suggesting they lie about a very large quantity of things - not because they're being dishonest but just because its easier (say your man gets home from work late and you ask what kept him. He replies a simple "traffic" when he actually may have had some extra paper work to do that kept him at the office late that day. ) He may just not want to get into it with you over something he obviously enjoyss and you disapprove of. Or he's embarrassed about it, potentially. Like have you ever been dishonest when someone asked you what you ate that day, maybe not admitting you ate the extra piece of cake because its not something you're proud of? We live in a society that is really weird about sex and does not encourage it to be an open discussion topic.

    I also firmly believe in having a strong sexual relationship with yourself. I believe it was Andy Warhol who said "What's wrong with *kitten*? It's sex with someone I love very much" (or something to that degree) exploring our sexual interest and fantasies can be very private until we're willing to admit them to our partners.

    If he really doesn't lie about anything else you should consider this a topic he feels awkward about and doesn't know how to discuss - sorta like not knowing how to ask your doctor if something your body is doing is normal or not.

    And don't snoop.
  • ajohn252
    ajohn252 Posts: 158
    Less snoop = more sex.
  • lakota1307
    lakota1307 Posts: 73 Member
    sorry , but it sounds OVER to me, You don't like what he is doing , He doesn't like what you are doing, You are both unhappy and neither seem to want to give in, Writing is on the wall, time to say goodbye have a good life and find someone who you have more in common with, YOU WILL NOT CHANGE HIM!! If he changes he will only do it with resentment and eventually you will end up right back where you are now, but with Kids and a house and all that and more anger and hate, You have different ideas and morals, at 23 you are both just settling down into your REAL SELF. you have been together since you were 20/21 hell most guys don't mature until 26 . Just my two cents, if nothing else I hope it helps you make a decision , either way
  • nytweetie
    nytweetie Posts: 7
    Lying is a HUGE no no for me. Honesty, communication and trust are everything in a realtionship. You obviously do not trust him or you wouldn't have snooped. You must not allow anyone to walk all over you. Actions have consequences for both parties. If you are not having sex, he's watching porn, and lying to you, you should walk away. If you can't walk away, ask yourself why? Do not base it solely on love alone because sometimes that is not enough. Two people can love each other but if the foundation is cracked and only one party wants to repair it, that is not a solid honest relationship. Do not stay out of need to be in a relationship. Show him you have self respect. Just my opinion. I hope it works out for you.
  • firesoforion
    firesoforion Posts: 1,017 Member
    Lying, not good. Porn is a no for me in a relationship, too, and I don't think there is anything wrong with that. What there really is something wrong with is the fact that he definitely watches porn, and yet is not intimate with you. That can happen with porn, and porn addiction. None of those seems like a good foundation for a relationship, I'd be ending it if it was you.
  • Drussander
    Drussander Posts: 266 Member
    Is the real issue because the cinematography is poor and the camera angles are bad? I can understand you being upset if he is watching bad porn.....
  • bonifachi
    bonifachi Posts: 50 Member
    Lying - big no no. For someone to tell you so very strongly your faults and take no responsibility themselves, or be willing to at least front up to you sounds like someone you shouldn't be wasting your time with. I walked in on my bf watching porn once. I flipped out. We talked about it, got over it, and now we are happily married. And he would be totally down with me watching some porn with him. Honesty and confrontation is the big key here. I'm not trying to get you to compare my relationship to yours, but honesty prevails and it's sad that you have lost that trust now, and your suspicions have been confirmed. How do you know he is not lying about other things, too? Hope things get better.
  • LordBear
    LordBear Posts: 239 Member
    i have nothing against porn. how ever in a relationship. ur partner should rank above porn. but he is a porn addict and porn can be just as bad and can be considered cheating as well.. specially since he lies so much about it. denies its a problem and it is also affecting your relationship and your sex lives... it is time for him to seek counceling and you two to split up and go ur own ways..
  • Rhea30
    Rhea30 Posts: 625 Member
    I flipped out.

    This is why some end up hiding and lying about watching it.
  • JennyLisT
    JennyLisT Posts: 402 Member
    i have nothing against porn. how ever in a relationship. ur partner should rank above porn. but he is a porn addict and porn can be just as bad and can be considered cheating as well.. specially since he lies so much about it. denies its a problem and it is also affecting your relationship and your sex lives... it is time for him to seek counceling and you two to split up and go ur own ways..

    Great diagnosis, doc. How many times did you speak to the patient before making that diagnosis?

    Seriously- porn addiction is VERY serious, and it is not the same thing as viewing porn.
  • RainHoward
    RainHoward Posts: 1,599 Member
    Hmm, maybe, just maybe part of your problem is you think a fitness website is the appropriate place to air out your laundry and ask for life altering advice. I don't mean to be rude, sometimes just can't help it. This isn't Oprah. Talk to each other about your issues, or a therapist, or a priest. You know, someone somewhat qualified to answer your questions.

    MFP, not the jerry springer show. Save the drama for your momma.
  • NatalieD1991
    NatalieD1991 Posts: 5
    My advice is you are too young to settle.

    i'm 21 and engaged. iv been with my partner for 2 years and lived together for 1 and a half. il be 23 when i get married. am i 'too young'?

    Yep!

    ETA: At your age I was doing my second degree before I did my MA and travelled the world. I met many men and did a lot of growing and changing in those years. People who marry too early are more likely to get divorced when they finally grow up and realise all they have in common with their partner is a bad relationship!

    i've just completed a BSc in sport science and met my partner whilst studying (he was on a different course) i met him after my first year which i spent drinking partying and flirting. i've never had any interest in seeing lots of people, i'm more of a relationship kind of girl. with regards to the divorce thing, he's catholic so strictly anti-divorce and i grew up in a broken home so i know how painful divorce is and wouldnt wish it upon anyone. as for travelling the world, i can easily do that once married with my husband. yes people grow and change, but i believe if i have any more changing to do it will be adapting to being a wife/mother. i do respect your opinion though, and thanks for being honest. i just believe i met my partner after i'd grown up
  • NatalieD1991
    NatalieD1991 Posts: 5
    My advice is you are too young to settle.

    i'm 21 and engaged. iv been with my partner for 2 years and lived together for 1 and a half. il be 23 when i get married. am i 'too young'?
    nope, just make sure you both communicate and are compatible.

    thankyou :) we're very big on communication, my partner doesnt let me sleep on an argument and insists on talking it through. and we're very compatible. 6 months or so before he proposed people were asking when he was gona do it so i think it was fairly inevitable :) also i trust him completely which i havent had with my previous relationships
  • NatalieD1991
    NatalieD1991 Posts: 5
    I dont think you are going to particularly like my advice, but here goes. I think you should end it with him , move out and not be living in sin. It is a sin against God to be having sex outside of marriage. I dd it too at your age and hw I wish I could go back and change that now that I am more concerned about pleasing to God. He surely does not sound like husband or father material so in my opinion I would not waste my time. You need to get out of this and rethink your priorities in life . If you want to truly be happy in the future you need to take some soul searching time and seek Gods will for your life. He created you for himself - to know him ,to love him and to serve him . He loves you more than you can imagine and you are precious to him. Please take no art in the disgusting evil acts of pornogrphy. It has ruined many,many lives and marriages. Find a Godly man to be with ,one that will honor you and love you in the way you are made to be treasured! He'll also make a good father if you ever blessed with children. Gd bless you ! Sorry for sounding so motherly - but Ive been where u are at and I wished someone ad said this to me!! Dee

    Really? I think I threw up in my mouth a little bit right then. Back in our hay day, my husband and I watched the occasional porn, at 42 he still loves looking at boobs, yes, I said it, BOOBS. We even visited a.....should I dare say....strip club every now and again. (For party occasions and things of the like). We may have even lived in SIN for 2 years before getting married. God strike me down NOW! Oh Jesus I'm a harlot! And my sick and disturbed husband is not fit to be a father because he likes the occasionial "evil disgusting porn".

    Get OVER yourself! I have no problems with Christianity, but really?

    I'll have you know, that my husband and I are freak a leaks! OK! AND get this tiny little bitty. Our 15 year old GORGEOUS daughter who models for the NCPG group, is very open with us about sex, wears a purity ring, is an honor roll student taking college level English for gifted kids, is in the JROTC, is commited to joining the Navy when she graduates and going into law enforcement. And was not raised in a Christian...... OMG if you that you are going hell.....home. The only thing we preach around my house is openness and honesty. My husband has made a fine father, and their relationship speaks for itself. They
    are closer than any teenager I know who's parents are pushing the bible down their throat, or making them feel like something is wrong with them for liking porn. Not everyone believes the way you do....It does not mean they wont make fit husbands or fathers.

    Sorry to OP for that rant on your thread. It had to be said.

    ^^^THIS. also, being religious in no way makes you perfect. my partner is catholic and just as flawed as any of us heathens. people who shove their religion down people's throats do my head in
  • alleycat88
    alleycat88 Posts: 756 Member
    I went to a catholic high school and I will say this... the most religious ones turned out to be the freakiest. :laugh:

    We found out one girl joined a website to meet people for sex where she claimed she liked role playing. all fine and dandy.. but she liked role playing being a cow and mooing.. yeah sorry. being religious don't mean squat
  • hacker1234
    hacker1234 Posts: 225 Member
    Isn't that normal?
  • alleycat88
    alleycat88 Posts: 756 Member
    I usually go for meowing like a cat. :laugh:

    I will also openly admit to watching porn. Both with my SO and on my own. It's normal, healthy and honestly I expect my SO to watch it. The ONLY time I have EVER had an issue with it was when I caught him jacking it while I was doing the dishes.. uhhh come get me and I'll help you instead!
  • weighlossforbaby
    weighlossforbaby Posts: 847 Member
    Men are visual beings so some do watch it but lying about it is wrong. Snooping is wrong too. I think you both should be honest with eachother and there wouldn't be any problems in the relationship.
  • sizzle92
    sizzle92 Posts: 1,015 Member
    A guy who likes porn likes porn and NOTHING is going to stop/change that. If you don't like it, I suggest you simply move on.
  • sizzle92
    sizzle92 Posts: 1,015 Member
    I am SO glad I am not in my 20's anymore! LOL!
  • LizHowerton
    LizHowerton Posts: 329 Member
    Learn to accept him for who he is...or move on.
  • Chapter3point6
    Chapter3point6 Posts: 1,233
    And for all the guys out there, porn is not to men what vibrators are to women. There are women out there who have never masturbated, or used vibrators...me for instance!!!

    :huh: :noway:

    WHY????
  • sizzle92
    sizzle92 Posts: 1,015 Member
    And for all the guys out there, porn is not to men what vibrators are to women. There are women out there who have never masturbated, or used vibrators...me for instance!!!

    :huh: :noway:

    WHY????

    I feel sorry for people like this. Like truly sad. THAT'S how twisted and perverted I am. :tongue:
  • Chapter3point6
    Chapter3point6 Posts: 1,233
    And for all the guys out there, porn is not to men what vibrators are to women. There are women out there who have never masturbated, or used vibrators...me for instance!!!

    :huh: :noway:

    WHY????

    I feel sorry for people like this. Like truly sad. THAT'S how twisted and perverted I am. :tongue:

    Difficult for me to understand it.
  • painthoss
    painthoss Posts: 63 Member

    So pretty much she's going to completely ignore everyone's advice, eventually marry the dude and they'll both be unhappy until they realize they made a mistake 20 years down the road and then she'll divorce. Sad.

    You give them 20 years? I'd give them one.
  • LaSutopia
    LaSutopia Posts: 1,164 Member
    ok Im not even gonna try and sit here reading all the comments....I just wanted to say that if my husband was away from home any more than he is I would think he was having an affair with you....lol. I have been married to him for 5 years and IT DOES NOT GET BETTER OR GO AWAY. He is a sex addict (mine) and no that does not mean he wants to have sex with me all the time. In fact, the opposite. "sex addict" does not mean that he just wants a lot of sex, it means he wants a lot of mysterious sex with no strings....whether it is porn or another real person, or illegal stuff like stalking or peeping. NO ONE should comment on this AT ALL until they have done some research and know something about it. There is a difference in just looking at it here and there or what not, and it being a part of an addiction. And all addictions are different. We went through therapy and we were given a great book to read....(don't get me wrong, the book or therapy just opened our eyes to what was going on...did not cure the problem so to speak)....I suggest reading the book and seeing if it describes your problem. If you can do the research and determine that it is an addiction (which from what you said it sounds like it is, sounds like the exact thing I would have said 4 years ago) then you have to decide if you wanna live like that the rest of your life or not. It is an almost if not completely impossible addiction to kick and it is most likely the symptom of something else and not the problem itself. Like with my husband we found out, through therapy, that he has NPD (narcissistic personality disorder-and before you comment on this thinking you know anything about it, look it up, odds are you don't) and that his Mother was most likely NPD herself and caused the cycle to continue in him....that is the short version, there is a lot of trauma between him and his mom over YEARS of his child hood....but anywho, his addiction started when he was a young child. If your man will talk about it then you MIGHT find out the same thing.

    basically what Im saying is
    1--personally (before I met my husband) I decided I don't like porn and think it's a bad habit...BUT there is a difference in casual viewing and it being a part of an addiction. A man is not trash or unworthy of a relationship because he looks at it, but if it is an addiction/part of an addiction do not think it will change. It could, but unlikely. I don't like to make definite statements, I like to believe there is always hope for anything, but on this topic I am really close to saying defiantly for sure not gonna change...

    2-You have to decide if this is something you can live with your whole life cause it will most likely NOT CHANGE. It did not change for me and I have to just live with it. I accepted that he is going to do it and I don't have to snoop to find it, I know he is doing it. I just try to not think about it cause yes it still hurts and I still hate it and that will never go away. But it's either live with it or leave...and I have 2 kids and no where else to go so I make the best of it I can. You are not in that situation so you need to REALLY think about it. He is not the only man out there, and no matter what you think or feel now, there are other guys out there that will love you and you can have a good relationship with. Never settle. I learned this the hard way.

    P.S. I forgot to mention the books name.....Out of the shadows, by Patrick Carnes
    you can get it here:

    http://www.amazon.com/Out-Shadows-Understanding-Sexual-Addiction/dp/1568386214

    Or your local library might have it...or you could download it to an e-reader.

Categories