I don't even know what Title to give this.
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Real men support their partners or if something is not immediately financially viable, they make a plan and define a time when it will be. They do not turn into sulky abusive idiots who refuse to communicate properly and resort to personal abuse rather than talk something through.
Do you want to be 49, stuck in a dead end job, mourning an education you never had and regretting what you could have had if only you had left him at 19?
You have a difficult choice to make. Is there a friend or a relative you have nearby that you could go to for a hug and a talk through. That may help.
I wish you the best of luck whatever choice you make
xx0 -
Untill married, I think you should keep your money separate.. I get it, if you have a joint account where the household bills are paid from, but you shoud still have your own money and should not contribute to his ex's alimony. With the hours you are working and what you say you make... YOU can put YOU through college, it's not his choice. Even if you two stay together, I would suggest some changes to be made. If not, you could look back and regret the time you wasted.
Yes yes and yes. Let him pay his own ex-wife's alimony, you save your wages for college. You are 19 for goodness sake.
The above. And you are not alone. You can move home, you can put yourself through college. You have to do what is right for you.
You are too young to be going through this. Your idea to get more education is really a great one - and you will learn things about yourself in college that you never even realized! You'll also meet people in college that you'd never have the opportunity to meet.
You shouldn't be paying for his debt. You shouldn't be paying towards alimony. If you guys live together, then you can share in household expenses, but you've committed your money to a guy who hasn't committed to you - and who won't even support you in wanting to go to college.
I think you know what to do here, and if college is something you want - you have to go for it - sooner rather than later.0 -
Pull your money from your accounts NOW, not LATER. Especially if you have joint checking. He can take it all out, and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it. Seriously, don't wait.
^^ Yes, this. If you have a joint account, he can take it all. So could you of course, but don't do that it's not right. Do take what is yours and open your own account.0 -
I don't totally understand your post, about the hotel thing. But, it sounds like he is quite a bit older than you and rather controlling. And I also wonder what kind of boss makes you work that much, 12 hrs a day, 7 days a week, with 1 day off every 5 weeks. What kind of business is this?
If I were you I'd go to college, have some fun, and find a career you love. You're 19, you shouldn't be worried about paying his alimony.
Good luck, do what your gut tells you to do.
^^^^^This x 1,000,0000 -
I have to agree! If he doesnt support you, you should stay...just My opinion! My ex BF was kinda like that too. I had gone to school but stopped going because of some personal situations I was in. I kept saying I wanted to go back but, he never did anything to support my decision...and, he never wanted to do anything I wanted to do...only what he thought we should do!
Anyway, point I am making is that you really should think long and hard about the situation you are in and if you would really like to stay in that type of relationship that he doesnt support you.
GOOD LCUK and will say a prayer for you!!
Wow, ok. I am so sorry you are in this situation. You are very young. I would suggest kick him to the curb, And go to college, You will have so much fun, and end up meeting some wonderful man who is supportive of you. His threat to decrease your hours?? So I have to ask my self is he only giving you the extra hours, to pay for his alimoni? If you would like to leave him I would look into maybe getting under a different supervisor. Right now he has you in a corner, and threatening to lower your
BTW, if your relationship ended, would you be able to stay in the position you are in at work? Just with what he said in the conversation about lowering your hours if you broke up, that is clearly sexual harrassement. He is your supervisor and threatening to take away your livelely hood if you do not stay with him... Im sorry, you need to see about a transfer, or another job. Even better look for a way to go to college. Good luck. i hope everything ends well.
Thank you for reply.
I know what you mean, I still have some things to think over before I make my decision.
and when we almost broke up the other night I asked him if I was fired and he said that he wouldn't fire me but cut back my shifts, because the only reason he was giving me so much work was because we were partners. I just said ok, because some work is better than none.0 -
Maybe this was a bad idea to write this at work, I can't stop crying when I read everyone's responses. I mostly work alone, and today is slow, so i guess no one will know that i'm crying but this just sucks. I feel completely alone in life. I moved to PA after I graduated to work this job with him, so i don't even have any family around. and the family that i do have doesn't talk to me unless I call them.
Sweetie you are a young beautiful woman with your whole life ahead of you, if you want to go get your education you do it, what kind of a man would not support his partner in a decision like that, a control freak that's who, sounds to me like he doesn't take your relationship as seriously as you do if he's not even bothered that you are upset, how heartless!! Do yourself a favour and get out now, the longer you leave it the harder it will be, go be with your family.xxxx0 -
Oh dear. I know a lot of people here are telling you to break up with him and i know that's probably hard to hear. Just remember, we aren't privvy to your whole life with him and only you can decide what's best for you at any given time. Breakups suck, even when you're breaking up with a not so great person. Or a person who isn't being so great to you. I'm not going to tell you which way to go here BUT I will say a couple things:
1. There is nothing in the world more powerful than an education.
2. There is no better feeling in the world than accomplishing something for yourself because of that education.
3. Women should never let a man decide if they should, or should not, get an education.
4. Any man that would say no to you getting your education is insecure and threatened.
5. There are a ton of resources you can employ to go get yourself an education.
6. Fear is a good motivator, revenge is a great motivator, hope and inspiration is the best motivator. If you want your education, go get it.
You are young, smart, capable and apparently hard working. Go do something for yourself. And stop paying this loser's alimony. That is NOT your responsibility.
This x 100 -
Can I give a little advice, I am recently married to a man 5 years older than me and he also has an ex wife and I work for him. I love my husband very much but he does have his moments like you said in your initial post everyone has off days. However the difference I see here is the sudden change towards you. Before we got married and after there is not a cat in hells chance I would be giving any of my money to his ex wife. This is his past not mine and he has never asked me to either. I am 30 and was ready to settle down, at your age and in your situation I would tell him where to go talking to you like that. When men say it is your fault that they are in a mood it means that they are trying to pass the blame off on you so they can then feel less crappy about being such a **** to you. You start to feel as if you are the one who is going crazy...this is proved by him calling you mean. I love working with my husband and you if your not happy then you should change careers and men. Just think when you get to 80 and your thinking back about your life do you want to say that you have lived a long happy love filled life with the man of your dreams or be left thinking why did I not get rid of that Jerk when I was 19.
You could leave that job and the money you save for not giving to his ex wife go and travel or have a vacation with friends. I think you are probably just after a bit of reassurance that getting rid of this man is a good idea and from the other replies I have read I think you have it.
Good Luck0 -
Hey,
You definitely deserve a hell of a lot better than this, you're only 19 and shouldn't be working like a dog and putting up with his crap. If you wanna go to college, you shouldn't let anyone stop you from fulfilling your dream.
He sounds like a complete arsehole for not supporting you in what you want to do. He's probably scared that you'll find someone younger, smarter, better looking and more supportive than him at college at will realize you can do better. He's also probably jealous of your freedom to do whatever you want to do without baggage, unlike him with an ex-wife to pay for, and he probably feels threatened that with an education you could one day be HIS boss and that could explain the crap he's putting you through.
You definitely need to have your own money in your own personal account as you should NOT be paying for his past FAILED relationship.
I suggest you get your own account and if you split the bills only give him said account and save the rest towards your college funds. It will also show you how much of your money he's using and maybe be an eye opener about the dependency within your relationship.
I know it's wrong to lie, but I do suggest if you are going to get your own account you should refrain from telling him until after you've set up everything and gotten your wages paid into that account as he'll probably try to convince you that all income should be paid into one account. Also, try and calculate all past income minus your share of the bills that should've been left over and take that out of the joint account as he definitely owes you for the alimony.
If you want to give up on your relationship yet, you should at least make sure you safeguard yourself financially.
As for the age difference and that fact that you were only 16, sounds like he has taken advantage of you from the beginning and you will definitely need to way up the pros and cons of the relationship.
Please, Please, Please, Please, Please....... Follow your dream of going to college, as many people on here have said, nothing should stop you from getting an education especially a SO.
Message me anytime you need a chat
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holy cow. seriously stop paying his bills. now. and if you have extra time cause he "cut your hours back", look for work. hell, come work for my company: a 9-1-1 center on the west coast. we'll train you, give you full benefits lke paid sick leave, medical/dental/vision insurance, vacation, paid holidays and a union to boot. excellent salary. we are one of the best in the nation and a LOT of employees got their degrees while working here. oh, did i mention we help you pay for some tuition, also? no? truly you are better than this.
My advice... get to know the person who wrote the above.
An opportunity has presented itself... seriously consider it.
All the best to you.0 -
If "we" can't afford college (hello, financial aid), but "we" can pay his alimony, it sounds like you need to have separate accounts and only pay for the items/bills you incur. Keep things as separate as possible, especially money, because things don't sound like they're going very well. If you apologize and/or try to make up for being "mean" to him and he doesn't accept, what kind of person is he? It sounds like he's just looking for a reason to be mad/avoidant and making it out to be your fault. You should be madder than hell, because you deserve to be treated better than you are. Good luck, and I hope things work out for the best.0
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You are 19. That's going to be an awful lot of years of regret you will face if you want to go to school, but choose not to because someone else doesn't like the idea. DO for YOU. No matter whether you're in a relationship (of any kind) or not, you will always have YOU to face. So, if you want to go to college, by all means, come hell or high water, do it! This is not up to your SO. It is up to your SO to support you. Seriously, what kind of person would try to prevent you from upping your education????? That is just twisted.
Also, don't be something you're not ("extra nice") to try to win over someone who should automatically be in your corner. And please do not await ANYONE'S approval to do something good for yourself.
You know how when you fly, they say that if the face masks should come down, put yours on first, then assist your child? Well, I live by this idea. I believe that you must take care of yourself first (health, education, happiness, etc.) in order to be any good to anyone else. Sounds selfish? Well, maybe. But my husband of 23 years seems to be okay with it. Esp. since I do not hold him back from doing whatever he needs to do to be happy and healthy.
I wish you luck. <<hugs>>0 -
holy cow. seriously stop paying his bills. now. and if you have extra time cause he "cut your hours back", look for work. hell, come work for my company: a 9-1-1 center on the west coast. we'll train you, give you full benefits lke paid sick leave, medical/dental/vision insurance, vacation, paid holidays and a union to boot. excellent salary. we are one of the best in the nation and a LOT of employees got their degrees while working here. oh, did i mention we help you pay for some tuition, also? no? truly you are better than this.
My advice... get to know the person who wrote the above.
An opportunity has presented itself... seriously consider it.
All the best to you.
I agree x 1,000,000,000,0000 -
Speaking as an older lady who has been happily married for a long time, I'll be blunt. If someone wants to be with you, they make it happen. If someone wants to talk or text you, they just do it. Young women put up with too much crap from guys. If he doesn't straighten up and give you support DUMP HIM. You don't need his permission to go to college. You shouldn't be helping him pay off his debt unless you are married to him. Wise up. They are so many good men out there, 19 is too young to be tied to a creep.
Where's the "LIKE" button?0 -
To put it bluntly: leave.
I would talk to him about how you're feeling and that you'd like him to be supportive of your education choice. HE has a masters, while you don't have an education. Let him know you want to feel secure in your relationship and YOURSELF. Think about you. What happens if you do break up under different circumstances - you'll have no education, and most likely no job (if he's your boss) - you may not think he'll fire you or be a nasty person, but people do things you never thought they would.
If he still refuses for you to go to school, break up with him, apply for financial aid and get YOUR life on track. Before you have a life with someone else you have to be happy with your own first.
difficutl,difficult to do, but I agree. leave. leave. leave. you are too young with your whole life ahead of you. if it is meant to be - you can get back together after YOU have YOUR masters degree. ..o...and call your family. they are family. wishing you the best.0 -
It really sounds like he's taking advantage of you as a partner and as a worker. He "gives" you extra hours/shifts, but in the end, it means the company is giving you more money, which, in turn, becomes "joint" money, or HIS money. I agree with the others who say that you should seriously consider setting up your own account and then having your paychecks deposited directly into that. Then, take your money out of the joint account (I hope you have access, and if you don't, then that's a major red flag). He definitely should NOT be looking to your money to pay his alimony. What is he doing with all of his money? Alimony is generally based on the salary of the person paying it. He shouldn't need to tap your money to pay his ex.
I have a daughter who is just a year younger than you and she just started college. I would be beyond concerned if she had started a relationship with someone so much older. (For one thing, until you turned 18, it was illegal. He's also taking advantage of your love, the relationship and his position as a supervisor. If you break things off, I would definitely keep track of his behaviors and comments and alert human resources. He could be violating company policies, as well as opening them up to legal action, especially if he starts using his position and your relationship to make decisions. Who's to say he's not cheating the company as well.)
Now is the time you should be enjoying life and learning who you are as an independent young woman on the brink of adulthood. Going to college -- even part-time, while working -- is an important experience. You get the education you need to have a future and you grow as a person, too, as you meet all kinds of people and are exposed to different ideas, people, etc.
If you've been with him for three years, you've basically transitioned from a high school kid without ever having a chance to figure out who YOU are.
Best wishes to you. There are plenty of supportive people out there. You don't have to do it alone.0 -
Back up...take a deep breath...look at this objectively & consider IF THIS WAS YOUR BEST FRIEND, what would you advise her???? At least be as fair to yourself as you would a friend!! (I think you probably already see the same red flags the rest of us see.) Good luck! Enjoy looking over the college course catalog.0
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You are a beautiful girl who deserves better. It seems like he is using you. Of course he doesn't want you to go to school that would take away from money for his debt and his ex. Becareful, when his debts are paid he may say byebye to you. Also as a Mom, I say move home, go to college, enjoy life. When you are done you will make more money and meet someone who is supportive,loving and wants the same things in life!0
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Untill married, I think you should keep your money separate.. I get it, if you have a joint account where the household bills are paid from, but you shoud still have your own money and should not contribute to his ex's alimony. With the hours you are working and what you say you make... YOU can put YOU through college, it's not his choice. Even if you two stay together, I would suggest some changes to be made. If not, you could look back and regret the time you wasted.
I totally agree with this!
^^^^^^^^^ YES!!!!!! To all of the above. Could not say it better myself. Please, find a better way to pay the bills together. You are working much too hard to have to pay for his ex wife and NOT for your own education.
I apologize in advance if this question has already been asked, but do your parents support this relationship? You started dating him when you were awfully young. I am so sorry you have to be away fromy your family at this time. That just stinks. Call them, call a friend! It will help!0 -
I already responded a couple pages ago, but actually found myself thinking of your situation again today, so I returned to read all six pages of responses. And you know what? In my six months on MFP, I've NEVER seen so much agreement in one thread! None of us know you or your situation personally (although I bet a lot of us have been in similar situations if you start to look at the ages of the people who are responding), but the fact that everyone agrees has got to tell you something. I'm pretty sure you knew what the right decision was before you posted, but it's scary and unknown, so coming here to verify that decision was a good idea.
You said that you feel isolated, and that makes complete sense. Are you close enough with your parents that you could move home for awhile until you can save up money for college and your own apartment (or better yet, live in the dorms or share an apartment with a bunch of girls)? If so, I'd do it. Like, today. College will be made up of a whole lot of young people who are all embarking on a scary new path, and is the perfect situation to meet some great friends.
I agree with the poster who said that in ten years you can either look back and realize you wasted ten years of your life paying a controlling guy's alimony, staying isolated, and not getting an education, or in ten years you can be well educated and have started a new life for yourself, and will look back and this will be a crazy little blip in your memory.
One more thing - I know a lot of people have talked about contacting HR and all that. While that would make sense for someone who is in a more permanent job, if you were my daughter/niece, etc. I'd just tell you to bail. Leave it all behind. You don't need to drag this part of your life out any longer with all the paperwork, legal crap, etc. Just cut the losses, chalk it up to experience, and be done with the whole situation. Yes, this might mean that your financial situation will be tougher for awhile, but any money you make will be yours, and your happiness is a lot more important anyhow.0 -
To the OP. I hope you check back in when you can.
I am almost certain I am not the only one worried and wondering about you. Even though I have never met you or seen your picture even before this thread.
:-)0 -
I have to agree! If he doesnt support you, you should stay...just My opinion! My ex BF was kinda like that too. I had gone to school but stopped going because of some personal situations I was in. I kept saying I wanted to go back but, he never did anything to support my decision...and, he never wanted to do anything I wanted to do...only what he thought we should do!
Anyway, point I am making is that you really should think long and hard about the situation you are in and if you would really like to stay in that type of relationship that he doesnt support you.
GOOD LCUK and will say a prayer for you!!
BTW, if your relationship ended, would you be able to stay in the position you are in at work?
Thank you for reply.
I know what you mean, I still have some things to think over before I make my decision.
and when we almost broke up the other night I asked him if I was fired and he said that he wouldn't fire me but cut back my shifts, because the only reason he was giving me so much work was because we were partners. I just said ok, because some work is better than none.
If he is firing you or cutting back your shifts because of your personal relationship, that is probably not legal for him to do...0 -
I know that this is hard, sad, confusing, and just plain miserable, but please, even though we are all strangers pretty much on this site, there are a lot of excellent opinions on here from these people. Listen to what they have to say. You're 19 and you have your whole life ahead of you! Be strong, do what's right for you, and don't give in or breakdown! It is tough but believe me, having broke up with a boyfriend of 7 years, I do not regret a thing. Maybe in fact...regret not doing it sooner, because I know that I deserved better. You deserve better now. Don't be me and regret that 4 years later because you decided to "work on it" with him. You have a support group here! Don't ever feel alone Best of luck with it girl, you'll be fine and you're stronger than you think you are, believe me! 0
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you have taken him to where he is, with all the support you have given him. It is sad he cannot return the favor or at the very least be sympathetic to your needs and troubles OR DREAMS!!! You are young and you will get thru this, but it may be time to spread your wings and fly towards your dreams and aspirations. Two things may happen, eother he wakes up and steps up to the plate or you leave him behind. As hard as either maybe, you are the one with everything to win!!0
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I will be honst walk away. You are too young to be in a serius relationship. You need to put yourself first. Live your life go to school most important. Why should you at a younge age pay for his bills. Child support or whatever. Don't let anybody dictate your future. You aou still young find out who you are. You aren't even old enough to drink. So if u break up $300.00 week won't get you far. I lost my youth getting married at a young age and put of school. I at times regret the decisions that I made when I was your life. Live your life for yourself. Go to College the best investment and future you can give yourself. Sounds like yo could qualify for a Pell Grant.
Don't settle with the person. He already has his degree that is selfish. Can you move back home and live with your parents and go to school. No matter what go talk to your Mom or Dad they will lead you in the right way. If he is trying to control you know it will get worse. Nobody has a right to dictate your future you fill your destiny and it will happen. Sounds like you are already questioning the relationship. Why should you deal with his own bills. Worry about yourself. You are only young once. Look at yourself would you want to be busting your butt for $300.00 a week. In 10 years you could already have your Masters and working in a new field. Good luck spread your wings and fly. I go married at 18 and should have listened to my parents. Not that I really could change things now but I really missed out of alot of things. I didn't really find out who I was and before you know it I was married with 2 babies before I was 21. I didn't go to college until I was 28 and it was so hard with kids etc. So go to school make your dreams happen. You are not married so you can leave whenever you can. Get your degree you will never regret it.
Listen to your 2nd voice it will guide you in the right direction.0 -
Thank you for reply.
I know what you mean, I still have some things to think over before I make my decision.
and when we almost broke up the other night I asked him if I was fired and he said that he wouldn't fire me but cut back my shifts, because the only reason he was giving me so much work was because we were partners. I just said ok, because some work is better than none.
Are you kidding me????? I hope this isn't so you can help pay his ex wife the alimony that he owes her!!! Let him try and cut back your shifts and then go straight to HR. He sounds very immature to me and I was biting my tongue reading previous responses but then you said this and I feel really upset for you!
I just read this. Before you leave him go to HR first and tell them "X and I are dating. I told him that I was considering ending the relationship, but now I'm afraid to because he said if I did he'd cut my hours. I am unclear as to handle this situation." Do it soon before he can start putting in poor performance reviews for you.0 -
I know what you mean, I still have some things to think over before I make my decision.
and when we almost broke up the other night I asked him if I was fired and he said that he wouldn't fire me but cut back my shifts, because the only reason he was giving me so much work was because we were partners. I just said ok, because some work is better than none.
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Umm, he can't do that. It would be a SERIOUSLY stupid idea, anyway - he would be setting himself up for a huge lawsuit (from you).
As someone in the education field, I believe that anyone who wants move toward higher education should be able to do so. If your significant other just expects you to work a menial job and make babies and you want something better, GET OUT!0 -
Thank you for reply.
I know what you mean, I still have some things to think over before I make my decision.
and when we almost broke up the other night I asked him if I was fired and he said that he wouldn't fire me but cut back my shifts, because the only reason he was giving me so much work was because we were partners. I just said ok, because some work is better than none.
Are you kidding me????? I hope this isn't so you can help pay his ex wife the alimony that he owes her!!! Let him try and cut back your shifts and then go straight to HR. He sounds very immature to me and I was biting my tongue reading previous responses but then you said this and I feel really upset for you!
I just read this. Before you leave him go to HR first and tell them "X and I are dating. I told him that I was considering ending the relationship, but now I'm afraid to because he said if I did he'd cut my hours. I am unclear as to handle this situation." Do it soon before he can start putting in poor performance reviews for you.
THIS.0 -
Listen to your own heart. Stay if you must or go if you want. Whatever you do or don't only you will decide.
It isn't for me to judge, you asked for advice as you are conflicted, I suspect you have already decided. I hope it goes well but going is irrevocable and staying is reversible.
Breathe deep
Jas0 -
you are young and have sooo much to live for! DUMP HIM he already has a history, that you dont need!! what you need is happiness, a decent education, and self control of your destiny...somewhere there will be room for someone that will appreciate you for who you are and what you will bring to the relationship.
he's either with you or not
hoping that reaching out will empower you to do the right thing
take care young one0
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