Divorce & Children?

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ohmykai
ohmykai Posts: 210 Member
in Chit-Chat
OK I am not sure where to put this but I have a feeling many of you have been in this situation so I thought I'd ask what your advice was or how you got through it... My husband and I are going through a divorce and we have 3 year old son... I am noticing it is affecting my son now, and I feel terrible.. How can I make it easier on him or what can I do? We are in the process of getting the custody situation nailed down through a mediator if he would move his a** on the appointment. I dropped my son off at daycare this morning and he is crying hysterically for me not to leave, something he has never done. His teacher said it's normal, this is all part of the changes they go through. It broke my heart ;-(
Does it get any easier on them eventually? My parents divorced as well but big difference I was 12..... Ugh :ohwell:
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Replies

  • randomtai
    randomtai Posts: 9,003 Member
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    I noticed that the more civil and mature the parents are to each other, the easier it is on the kids.
  • tismyhardbody
    tismyhardbody Posts: 100 Member
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    this is sad =(
    does he get to see his dad everyday, or at least talk to him daily? even at 3 you can do that.
    the most important thing IMO is to have a great relationship with your X no matter WHAT for your child. you should be willing to meet him half way on everything, including seeing his son everyday if possible.
    it doesn’t have to be “part of the change” you get to control what happens.
  • ohmykai
    ohmykai Posts: 210 Member
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    this is sad =(
    does he get to see his dad everyday, or at least talk to him daily? even at 3 you can do that.
    the most important thing IMO is to have a great relationship with your X no matter WHAT for your child. you should be willing to meet him half way on everything, including see his son everyday if possible.
    it doesn’t have to be “part of the change” you get to control what happens.

    He is actually with his Dad more right now.... I have him every other weekend, and Mon-Wednesday I pick him up from daycare and try and do something fun with him and drop him off with him... Eventually he is going to be staying those nights with me...
    His dad doesn't want to accept the divorce, he is still very much in love with me and devastated.... so this is a huge struggle.
  • Birdie
    Birdie Posts: 256 Member
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    You have to love your kid more than you hate each other. No matter how big a jerk he might be, let it go and be as respectful and polite as you can even if it kills you. And try not to discuss grown up problems in front of the child. If you have to vent, go out with some girlfriends or something and blow off steam. Don't do it on the phone when little ears can hear. You will only have to deal with this guy until your child is 18, but your child will have this father forever.
  • lmunro5394
    lmunro5394 Posts: 33 Member
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    It DOES get easier. The one thing that you CAN do is constantly reassure your son that you aren't going anywhere. That no matter what you will always be there for him. That you will never leave. My youngest daughter was 12 when her dad and I divorced and that was always her fear. That if her daddy could leave, then what was stopping her momma from leaving also.
    Just reassure him that you will always be there.
  • odusgolp
    odusgolp Posts: 10,477 Member
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    I divorced when my son was 2 years old, and he doesn't remember us together. That being said, my ex and I make it a point to still talk daily and even hang out about once/week with our son. ALL pride and hurt feeling have been put aside and never brought up. We simply remain friends for his sake. It's NOT easy and doesn't work for many divorcees but if you can make it work, awesome. We still take our son to dinner or breakfast together, the park, the zoo, etc... Tell him that it will be fun to have TWO houses, two bedrooms, etc. Honestly, my son loves that. And try to share custody as much as reasonable for your situation. We're 50/50, no child support, etc. Just works for us to have zero conflict.

    Now that my son is 6 he is more curious on why we're divorced and has started asking questions. When my ex explained "Mommy and daddy decided we were even better friends when we had two separate houses and didn't live together, blah blah blah." My son's reply??

    "Plus, Mom's got too much stuff to live here." :)

    Kid's are resilient if you both behave maturely and in his best interest. Don't "stay together" for the kid's sake. Trust me, you can make it work well and be happily divorced :)
  • tismyhardbody
    tismyhardbody Posts: 100 Member
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    this is sad =(
    does he get to see his dad everyday, or at least talk to him daily? even at 3 you can do that.
    the most important thing IMO is to have a great relationship with your X no matter WHAT for your child. you should be willing to meet him half way on everything, including see his son everyday if possible.
    it doesn’t have to be “part of the change” you get to control what happens.

    He is actually with his Dad more right now.... I have him every other weekend, and Mon-Wednesday I pick him up from daycare and try and do something fun with him and drop him off with him... Eventually he is going to be staying those nights with me...
    His dad doesn't want to accept the divorce, he is still very much in love with me and devastated.... so this is a huge struggle.

    Can you not see him every day? He needs you too. =(
    Thats why hes so upset. It doesn't matter abt you and the ex now, all that matters is your little guy, surely he see's that part of who you two are, is HIM now.
  • ohmykai
    ohmykai Posts: 210 Member
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    I divorced when my son was 2 years old, and he doesn't remember us together. That being said, my ex and I make it a point to still talk daily and even hang out about once/week with our son. ALL pride and hurt feeling have been put aside and never brought up. We simply remain friends for his sake. It's NOT easy and doesn't work for many divorcees but if you can make it work, awesome. We still take our son to dinner or breakfast together, the park, the zoo, etc... Tell him that it will be fun to have TWO houses, two bedrooms, etc. Honestly, my son loves that. And try to share custody as much as reasonable for your situation. We're 50/50, no child support, etc. Just works for us to have zero conflict.

    Now that my son is 6 he is more curious on why we're divorced and has started asking questions. When my ex explained "Mommy and daddy decided we were even better friends when we had two separate houses and didn't live together, blah blah blah." My son's reply??

    "Plus, Mom's got too much stuff to live here." :)

    Kid's are resilient if you both behave maturely and in his best interest. Don't "stay together" for the kid's sake. Trust me, you can make it work well and be happily divorced :)

    Thank you for this... That is exactly what I am trying to get through his head, I didn't want to stay together for my Son's Sake... The problem right now is the things he is doing in front of him and he is saying and acting... He is trying to turn him against me... Telling him "Mommy doesn't live here anymore" , etc... It's really creating a mess.
  • odusgolp
    odusgolp Posts: 10,477 Member
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    I divorced when my son was 2 years old, and he doesn't remember us together. That being said, my ex and I make it a point to still talk daily and even hang out about once/week with our son. ALL pride and hurt feeling have been put aside and never brought up. We simply remain friends for his sake. It's NOT easy and doesn't work for many divorcees but if you can make it work, awesome. We still take our son to dinner or breakfast together, the park, the zoo, etc... Tell him that it will be fun to have TWO houses, two bedrooms, etc. Honestly, my son loves that. And try to share custody as much as reasonable for your situation. We're 50/50, no child support, etc. Just works for us to have zero conflict.

    Now that my son is 6 he is more curious on why we're divorced and has started asking questions. When my ex explained "Mommy and daddy decided we were even better friends when we had two separate houses and didn't live together, blah blah blah." My son's reply??

    "Plus, Mom's got too much stuff to live here." :)

    Kid's are resilient if you both behave maturely and in his best interest. Don't "stay together" for the kid's sake. Trust me, you can make it work well and be happily divorced :)

    Thank you for this... That is exactly what I am trying to get through his head, I didn't want to stay together for my Son's Sake... The problem right now is the things he is doing in front of him and he is saying and acting... He is trying to turn him against me... Telling him "Mommy doesn't live here anymore" , etc... It's really creating a mess.

    He needs to stop that. Now. Sadly, you can't control him, but for the love of gravy what the f*** is he thinking bringing a 3 year old into this!!! Is he willing to go to therapy or even read a book? Or find someone to smack him upside the head and say, "Dude... don't say that in front of your kid."?
  • AlsDonkBoxSquat
    AlsDonkBoxSquat Posts: 6,128 Member
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    I'm a huge proponent for counceling, not to repair the marriage, but to repair the relationship . . . for you, for the ex, for your son, for you and your ex together.
  • AmyFett
    AmyFett Posts: 1,607 Member
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    He'll adjust to it. He's young enough. He probably won't even really remember all of this in the long run. You both just need to make time for him. You might not love each other anymore and he can know that. Just make sure he knows you both love HIM.
  • jkandktmom
    jkandktmom Posts: 1,010 Member
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    I would look into some type of counseling, play therapy is great even at the age of three. It will give him a chance to talk about things without really talking about it.
  • _Timmeh_
    _Timmeh_ Posts: 2,096 Member
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    I divorced when my son was 2 years old, and he doesn't remember us together. That being said, my ex and I make it a point to still talk daily and even hang out about once/week with our son. ALL pride and hurt feeling have been put aside and never brought up. We simply remain friends for his sake. It's NOT easy and doesn't work for many divorcees but if you can make it work, awesome. We still take our son to dinner or breakfast together, the park, the zoo, etc... Tell him that it will be fun to have TWO houses, two bedrooms, etc. Honestly, my son loves that. And try to share custody as much as reasonable for your situation. We're 50/50, no child support, etc. Just works for us to have zero conflict.

    Now that my son is 6 he is more curious on why we're divorced and has started asking questions. When my ex explained "Mommy and daddy decided we were even better friends when we had two separate houses and didn't live together, blah blah blah." My son's reply??

    "Plus, Mom's got too much stuff to live here." :)

    Kid's are resilient if you both behave maturely and in his best interest. Don't "stay together" for the kid's sake. Trust me, you can make it work well and be happily divorced :)

    Thank you for this... That is exactly what I am trying to get through his head, I didn't want to stay together for my Son's Sake... The problem right now is the things he is doing in front of him and he is saying and acting... He is trying to turn him against me... Telling him "Mommy doesn't live here anymore" , etc... It's really creating a mess.

    In the long run it's easier on 3 year old than say a teenager.
    Obviously the dad needs to stop that sheeeit. Keep a small journal or log of things like this, it could get worse and it may be something you will have to bring up in mediation or court.
  • CentralCaliCycling
    CentralCaliCycling Posts: 453 Member
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    It takes time and gets better faster with parents who work together to make it as less stressful as possible on the kids. Of course there are reasons that marriages don't work and often that relates to one or both parents not being able to agree on much and not being considerate of others so this doesn't happen very often. Since you went through it you know it is possible to survive but it is not exactly a party for the kids either (it hasn't been for mine).
  • ohmykai
    ohmykai Posts: 210 Member
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    I divorced when my son was 2 years old, and he doesn't remember us together. That being said, my ex and I make it a point to still talk daily and even hang out about once/week with our son. ALL pride and hurt feeling have been put aside and never brought up. We simply remain friends for his sake. It's NOT easy and doesn't work for many divorcees but if you can make it work, awesome. We still take our son to dinner or breakfast together, the park, the zoo, etc... Tell him that it will be fun to have TWO houses, two bedrooms, etc. Honestly, my son loves that. And try to share custody as much as reasonable for your situation. We're 50/50, no child support, etc. Just works for us to have zero conflict.

    Now that my son is 6 he is more curious on why we're divorced and has started asking questions. When my ex explained "Mommy and daddy decided we were even better friends when we had two separate houses and didn't live together, blah blah blah." My son's reply??

    "Plus, Mom's got too much stuff to live here." :)

    Kid's are resilient if you both behave maturely and in his best interest. Don't "stay together" for the kid's sake. Trust me, you can make it work well and be happily divorced :)

    Thank you for this... That is exactly what I am trying to get through his head, I didn't want to stay together for my Son's Sake... The problem right now is the things he is doing in front of him and he is saying and acting... He is trying to turn him against me... Telling him "Mommy doesn't live here anymore" , etc... It's really creating a mess.

    He needs to stop that. Now. Sadly, you can't control him, but for the love of gravy what the f*** is he thinking bringing a 3 year old into this!!! Is he willing to go to therapy or even read a book? Or find someone to smack him upside the head and say, "Dude... don't say that in front of your kid."?

    He is in Counseling believe it or no!!! I have been in for years... It's helped me greatly, him? Obviously not so much... lol.... For our marriage, we went 4 times.. It was enough for me... Things would get better and go right back.. I couldn't do it anymore... He is Military... Conversation non existent with me, I was very lonely in my marriage... Lonnnngggg story :cry:
  • AmberJslimsAWAY
    AmberJslimsAWAY Posts: 2,468 Member
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    I'm so glad I didn't have to deal with this. My kids were 4 and 1 and for most of our marriage, my ex was working out of town. So when we split, it was really no difference to them.

    It'll take time, but just remind him he'll see daddy again, and yall need to do your best to get along.
  • kaylaandthestarcatcher
    kaylaandthestarcatcher Posts: 836
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    I can't offer any advice because I don't have children and have also never been married, so I've never been divorced, BUT. I just figured that I should say that even though it's probably really hard for your little one right now (especially since he might not fully understand what is happening), it's also probably what is best for him. My parents divorced when I was 14/15 even though their marriage had been a mess long long long before that, but they stayed together for me and my sister and it was just awful. By the time they finally got divorced, it was more of a "finally!" kind of thing than anything else. But growing up with parents who only seemed to like each other about 10% of the time sucked. Dealing with the divorce sucked, too (especially since I was at such an angsty age as it was!) but when it was all done with, things were better. Of course, I had the advantage of understanding what was happening, but the point that I'm trying to make is that yeah, it's hard on your son and I'm sure that sucks for you and for him, but in the long run, things will be better and eventually, he'll understand.
  • erickirb
    erickirb Posts: 12,293 Member
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    I divorced when my son was 2 years old, and he doesn't remember us together. That being said, my ex and I make it a point to still talk daily and even hang out about once/week with our son. ALL pride and hurt feeling have been put aside and never brought up. We simply remain friends for his sake. It's NOT easy and doesn't work for many divorcees but if you can make it work, awesome. We still take our son to dinner or breakfast together, the park, the zoo, etc... Tell him that it will be fun to have TWO houses, two bedrooms, etc. Honestly, my son loves that. And try to share custody as much as reasonable for your situation. We're 50/50, no child support, etc. Just works for us to have zero conflict.

    Now that my son is 6 he is more curious on why we're divorced and has started asking questions. When my ex explained "Mommy and daddy decided we were even better friends when we had two separate houses and didn't live together, blah blah blah." My son's reply??

    "Plus, Mom's got too much stuff to live here." :)

    Kid's are resilient if you both behave maturely and in his best interest. Don't "stay together" for the kid's sake. Trust me, you can make it work well and be happily divorced :)

    Thank you for this... That is exactly what I am trying to get through his head, I didn't want to stay together for my Son's Sake... The problem right now is the things he is doing in front of him and he is saying and acting... He is trying to turn him against me... Telling him "Mommy doesn't live here anymore" , etc... It's really creating a mess.

    If he is trying to turn him against you then why are you letting your son stay with him, instead of with you?
  • annadavidson1984
    annadavidson1984 Posts: 22 Member
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    My children were four and seven when we divorced. We explained to them that it was a grown up solution to a grown up problem. They went to their dad's every other weekend and he saw them after school as many days as he wanted to. We tried to keep things as normal for them as possible. We even still went to the same church for several years. We did birthday celebrations together and thankfully his family expected me to come over for holidays. As our girls got older, they could pick and choose when they went to his house based on school activities etc. When my older daughter was 14 she actually went to live with her dad. Is it always easy? NO, especially in the beginning. I prayed constantly to do it the right way. We took our kids to counseling and I strongly suggesst you do that too. It can be part of the divorce decree if he will agree to it. He shouldn't say things in front of your child that are mean or hurtful toward you. I would suggest letting him call his dad every day if he wants to and hopefully dad will do the same. I think when you have a child you have to put them(him) first no matter what!
  • Theresafinallygetsitright
    Theresafinallygetsitright Posts: 157
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    I noticed that the more civil and mature the parents are to each other, the easier it is on the kids.

    This for sure but it is hard no matter how "nice" it is. Her suggestion is right on though, it will make it easier so they are not dealing with more emotions than they have to be already.

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