Mommy is losing it...

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Replies

  • carebear7951
    carebear7951 Posts: 404 Member
    I didn't read through all the other advice but I have 4 kids and something I've found that works is not responding other than to say "I don't understand whinese"....Do NOT give him what he wants when he is whining! Period! Unless you like it which you obviously don't.
    I spank but not for whining....I save spanking for willful disobedience. Good luck! And kudos for co-parenting peacefully!
  • madamepsychosis
    madamepsychosis Posts: 472 Member
    OK - for those with no sense of humor - please don't report me to CPS...

    1st whine - warning
    2nd whine - time-out (not sure how you do it, but we have a specific step at home, when we're out, he gets to sit on a bench or curb, i stand with my back turned to him)
    3rd whine - wall sits for 30 seconds

    i started the wall sits with my stepson when he was 13... they think it's so easy for the first 10 seconds... good luck and congrats for being able to continue to co-parent with your ex - not an easy task at all.

    This is good advice. Also, as a teacher, I would say it's also really important to explain what will happen in the first warning stage, i.e. 'If you don't cut that out right now, you're going to be put in time-out'. If they know exactly what will happen if they continue their bad behaviour, they'll be much less likely to follow through with it.

    It might also be good to just ignore him. As soon as he starts whining, just say 'I'm not going to talk to you when you're talking in that tone of voice, come back when you're ready to talk properly.' If he is just doing it to get a rise and for attention, he'll run out of steam quickly and realise that it's not a good way to get attention.
  • Kamikazeflutterby
    Kamikazeflutterby Posts: 775 Member
    My condolences. I'm not there yet--my kid's still in the toddler tantrum stage so we can still say things like "I'm sorry, we're fresh out of 'WA-A-AH!' Do you know a word for what you want?"
  • Spanking and time out are for lazy parents who don't want to deal with the issue and resolve it. No child deserves to be hit! Think about it, we teach them that they can't hit other people, or you, grown ups aren't allowed to hit each other, but yet we can hit a small defenseless child? Its disgusting and pathetic. Time out teaches NOTHING, it doesn't give them better choices, its not a learning expereince...

    I have fantastic kids, we use the "flip it" method!

    Feelings- figure out what is going on! So many tantrums start with kids that are tired, hungry or being ignored. Help them indentify why and what they are feeling. Give it a name, (sad, mad, bored) and it lets them know that you understand!

    Limits - learn to set limits with clear, simple rules and expectations

    Inquiries- ask them to think before acting. this encourages problem solving, coping skills and emotional control

    Prompt- this is when you help them along if they can't come up with the appropriate responce.
  • I dont respond when my girls whine. Simple as that. I tell them that if they want me to help them then they need speak to me in a "normal" tone. It is actually quite funny as when I remind them of this it is like a switch that has been turned off and it instantly stops.

    This is how I handled my son. "I'll be happy to talk to you when you're capable of responding in a normal tone." And walk away.
  • jonnyman41
    jonnyman41 Posts: 1,031 Member
    think it is something all kids to do to a point and different things work at different times! for me, whiny time when the kids were young, was often between finishing school and tea time as they were tired, I was tired and trying to cook tea so did not have enough time for them. Feeding something small straight after school (drink and a sandwich, piece of toast etc) helped a little plus making a little time to do an activity before starting cooking and then setting them off on something, whether it was a craft activity or a game/book/tv for an hour. when a little older and knowing it was not just tiredness I found the approach of refusing to listen while they are whining helped, but I made sure that they knew this too so would explain speak to me normal and I will answer. not entering into an argument/discussion helps too. A straight no with a simple reason is good but the minute you start to rationalise your argument they will use this to continue to argue in the hope that they break you down lol.

    if it is appropriate I would set leater goals as in "no you can't do that/have that etc but if you give me an hour I will do this/let you have this after tea etc" (obviously making it relevant to the original topic but on my terms)
    If all else fails, a few times I have started making a whiny noise back and they soon stop lol!!!.
  • madamepsychosis
    madamepsychosis Posts: 472 Member
    I saw others say - I forgot to include....re-enforce the good behavior and when he doesn't whine..."Thank you for using your big boy voice" etc....this will help him want to use his nice voice more :) And kudos to you for the co-parenting situation! and just remember it's a phase and you will have your normal child back sooner or later lol :bigsmile:


    And to the other posts...spanking for whining? OMG...that's extreme...spanking should be a LAST LAST LAST resort not a go to. Parenting is hard work it takes time and trial and error, not spanking and yelling.....

    Oh and this. Praise is SUCH a powerful tool. If kid's know they're going to reap the benefits of good behaviour, they're way more likely to use it more. So do make sure you're telling him when he's being good, not just telling him off for whining.

    I can't believe people are actually even suggesting spanking. Totally extreme and sheer laziness.
  • randomtai
    randomtai Posts: 9,003 Member
    Spanking and time out are for lazy parents who don't want to deal with the issue and resolve it. No child deserves to be hit! Think about it, we teach them that they can't hit other people, or you, grown ups aren't allowed to hit each other, but yet we can hit a small defenseless child? Its disgusting and pathetic. Time out teaches NOTHING, it doesn't give them better choices, its not a learning expereince...

    I have fantastic kids, we use the "flip it" method!

    Feelings- figure out what is going on! So many tantrums start with kids that are tired, hungry or being ignored. Help them indentify why and what they are feeling. Give it a name, (sad, mad, bored) and it lets them know that you understand!

    Limits - learn to set limits with clear, simple rules and expectations

    Inquiries- ask them to think before acting. this encourages problem solving, coping skills and emotional control

    Prompt- this is when you help them along if they can't come up with the appropriate responce.

    Do you teach them to be judgmental too?
  • odusgolp
    odusgolp Posts: 10,477 Member
    I've respectfully not replied to the spanking issue as it only inflames the MFP war on the issue, and would like this thread to actually remain here so I can read everything :) But it's just my two cents that whining doesn't warrant spanking. I'm not anti-spanking, I just don't think this particular problem is justification.

    End scene.
  • I used to teach preschool and whining was my #1 pet peeve! I used to tell the kids, "I'm sorry, I can't understand you when you speak in that voice. I'll be ready to listen when you can talk to me in a normal voice." Then walk away and continue what you were doing and give him time to compose himself.

    This works. I take a similar approach except I tell him to go in the bathroom and flush the whinies down the toilet then we'll talk about whatever you want! at first he took me literally...and actually flushed the toilet which I kinda found funny but didn't show him that. Now he just corrects himself. He actually even catches himself now and I tell him I'm proud of him for catching it!
  • I've respectfully not replied to the spanking issue as it only inflames the MFP war on the issue, and would like this thread to actually remain here so I can read everything :) But it's just my two cents that whining doesn't warrant spanking. I'm not anti-spanking, I just don't think this particular problem is justification.

    End scene.

    I agree with all of this.
  • megalin9
    megalin9 Posts: 771 Member
    Spanking and time out are for lazy parents who don't want to deal with the issue and resolve it. No child deserves to be hit! Think about it, we teach them that they can't hit other people, or you, grown ups aren't allowed to hit each other, but yet we can hit a small defenseless child? Its disgusting and pathetic. Time out teaches NOTHING, it doesn't give them better choices, its not a learning expereince...

    I have fantastic kids, we use the "flip it" method!

    Feelings- figure out what is going on! So many tantrums start with kids that are tired, hungry or being ignored. Help them indentify why and what they are feeling. Give it a name, (sad, mad, bored) and it lets them know that you understand!

    Limits - learn to set limits with clear, simple rules and expectations

    Inquiries- ask them to think before acting. this encourages problem solving, coping skills and emotional control

    Prompt- this is when you help them along if they can't come up with the appropriate responce.

    Do you teach them to be judgmental too?

    That's what I was thinking.

    It's great you've found something that works for you. But to call other parents who spank or use time-out "lazy", "disgusting", and "pathetic" is awful high & mighty fo you. You could have given your advice without criticizing other parents who love their children just as much as you do.
  • farroz
    farroz Posts: 51 Member
    My mother took over raising my sister's son. He came an emotional wreck. He flipped out over everything. He would get so mad that he would even spit on my mom. It was pretty bad but my mother used the three second rule and consistency and alot of hard tear jerking work. My mother found what was key was to always respond the same to his negative behavoirs. So how it worked was when my nephew was acting up she would just start to count to three. If he did not stop the behavoir he would go to a time out. She would not yell at hiim or even speak to him other than to say ok your going to your room or whatever gave him a timer and let him scream his head off. She would not talk to him at all in time out. Usally that lasted 3/4 of the time out and then he would just cry a little and then when the alarm would go off he would be in control. If not then the time starts over. She went by the rule of 1 minute for how old they are. It was hell on everyone involved but it turned that kid around. My mother says the kids know what they are doing wrong that is why we dont have to explain or yell at them to stop the behavoir which is postive reinforcment to continue the behavoir. My mother would also take trips to resteraunts and grocery stores with the purpouse of instiling the 3 second rule. If my nephew was acting up at the store they would leave the cart in the middle of the store and leave and do a time out or jsut go home. Same with resteraunts she would leave. Also remember you have to do it every time and in the same way. Children want consistency, rules, schedules, they thrive on them. The behavoir you are trying to fix will always get worse before it gets better. They will test you try to figure out what they can get away with and how you as the parent will respond to each behavoir.
  • mmimmi1
    mmimmi1 Posts: 49 Member
    NEVER GIVE IN ... My son is 6 too and it was a little phase he went through... anything I said, do your homework, get ready for soccer, get in the shower....he would just make these whinny sounds... uugghh ... I was very serious he would still have to do what I told him and made it clear that was not appropriate ... I told him I don't wanna hear it and if he continues his behavior he's gonna have other stuff to whine about ... I would look at him really stern and ask him what that behavior was.. he didn't know what to say ... other times I just distract him... like... go, go if you want to do ___ before you go to bed or something like that. SOmetimes he just didn't get to do what he wanted...so I would tell him next time waste less time whinning. They are 6 so they can understand now...talk to him seriously without giving in ...they are not 2 or 3 anymore. It makes me smile thinking I would look at him ...and ask him WHAT IS THAT? You better not be whinning cuz I have little patience for that right now ... he got the message ... I also turn from fun and friendly Mommy to strictly buisness Mommy ...no smilling or kidding around ... and he can't stand it and comes and appologizes.

    Sorry I went on and on... but it was annoying for me too ...having gonne through that recently ... wow wall sits are a good idea though ...lol
  • VelociMama
    VelociMama Posts: 3,119 Member
    I've respectfully not replied to the spanking issue as it only inflames the MFP war on the issue, and would like this thread to actually remain here so I can read everything :) But it's just my two cents that whining doesn't warrant spanking. I'm not anti-spanking, I just don't think this particular problem is justification.

    End scene.

    +1 Good call! :)
  • Love and logic... I love the parenting methods... if you buckle down hard and are consistent 100% you will gain control
  • ademiter
    ademiter Posts: 176 Member
    A friend of mine suggested a "WHINE" jar. She said to take little pieces of paper, write chores or something like that on them, then fold them, putting them in the jar. When the child whines, he or she has to go choose a piece of paper from the WHINE jar. The chores or punishment needs to be unfavorable (for my daughter it would be to lose a TV show, or to go to bed early, clean her room, or what not. It takes some thinking.)

    Now in order to be more positive, you can also have a REWARD jar. When your child goes through the day (or morning/evening or even during an outing) with no whining then they can pick a PRIZE out of the REWARD jar. I would sit down with your child to see what things/activity they like (and it doesn't mean you have to go out and buy them something all the time) so they will KNOW the contents of that jar.

    Anything is worth trying!!!
  • TXtstorm
    TXtstorm Posts: 163 Member
    Not that I have any great solutions, but do you think he does it as a control/manipulation mechanism (because he knows it pushes your buttons) or do you think that it is a behavior that he has fallen into as a habit and doesn't even realize how often he does it? I think that pointing out to him that he is whining/throwing a fit, telling him that this is not an effective or appropriate tool to get what he wants, and then walking away or ignoring any further whine type input from him is actually a good move. If you can both hang on to your sanity to continue to do this consistently over time, he will probably eventually learn that lesson. If he learns it with you guys, with whom he spends so much of his time and interactions, he will be less likely to try that behavior with others (teachers, care givers, other authority figures, friends) and so you will have grow a more successful child!

    Other than telling him that whining is not the way to get what he wants, have you tried explaining to him how it affects you and he results than it actually earns him? Sometime when the situation doesn't seem especially touchy, you might try starting a conversation with him about how you see the behavior and what you feel when it happens. Tell him about it, and then in a role-playing situation (I don't mean mocking him) try demonstrating for him what that behavior sounds/looks like and try to help him see what an irritation it is and how it turns to target off to whatever it was that the actor wanted to communicate.

    I went to this parenting class that described the process of altering these kinds of behaviors with the following steps and suggested dialog:

    1. Recognize the behavior. If a negative behavior, stop the behavior or disengage from it. If positive, call attention to it.
    2. Describe the behavior observed and the results it earned.
    3. Describe the appropriate/desired behavior.
    4. Give a consequence, positive or negative.

    In the case of whining/tantrums, their suggested dialog might run something like this:

    1. Johnny, you are need to be sit down (suggest a place) and be quiet until you feel calm again.
    2. You are (using the whiny tone, kicking the floor, screaming at me, throwing things).
    3. When you act like that, I can't hear your words, so we can't talk about what you really want.
    4. When you are told "no", you will look at me and say, "Yes, ma'am," to let me know that you understand the answer.
    5. Because you did not accept my response politely and instead yelled/cried/whined when I told you that you could not play with your computer game right now, we will turn off the computer for the next 24 hours.

    Alternately on step 5 you could try offering a delayed positive consequence by saying something like: "If you can calm down now and do the things we need to do (eat dinner, complete a chore, do homework, take a walk, read for a while instead), then you may ask me again later politely and I will let you have 30 minutes to play on the computer."

    Especially for a child as young as yours they also suggested role-playing to practice how they could more appropriately have handled the situation. You coach the child on verbage and attitude to use when asking for whatever it is and how to handle a response you might give. The idea, of course, being to teach them what you really want from them and how they can earn the things that they want. Sometimes they really don't know, no matter how apparent we feel like it should be from past experience in our household. And another thing they suggest for kids of all age is to help them figure our what coping/calming behaviors work for them when they are disappointed in your answers or feeling upset about something. Once you work 2 or 3 of those strategies out with them, one of your coaching tools becomes prompting them to use a calming strategy and reminding them of something they can do to accomplish that. Flip side is that the parent is supposed to also take the time to identify their own coping/calming skillset, occasionally remind themselves what calming choices they have, and learn to recognize when it's time to take one out and use it!

    I know that stuff sounds really stiff and sometimes all I can think when I hear it is, "Yeah, but that doesn't work when my kid does X," or "Sure. Tried that. My kid continues to do X until I am ready to lose my mind!" I can't say I'm a great parent. I can't say that stuff always works or that I even remember to use it consistently or that I don't sometimes lose my cool and make things worse. All I can say is that it's a tool to try, it sometimes works, when it does work it helps our kiddos learn to be responsible for their own behaviors and the results they get from those behaviors. Lord, help us, we're all just doing the best we can!
  • sarah1334
    sarah1334 Posts: 77 Member
    I work with preschoolers, and when they start showing the first signs of an attitude I usually put my hands on my hips and say, "Check yourself before you wreck yourself!" It usually makes them giggle and changes their tone... and keeps the mood light.
  • ademiter
    ademiter Posts: 176 Member
    I work with preschoolers, and when they start showing the first signs of an attitude I usually put my hands on my hips and say, "Check yourself before you wreck yourself!" It usually makes them giggle and changes their tone... and keeps the mood light.

    THIS! Distraction is ALWAYS a good idea! :)