What if your husband or wive wants to know...?

virichi08
virichi08 Posts: 465 Member
in Chit-Chat
Do you feel obligated to answer if your husband/wife asks you how many people you've been intimate with? We've been married 6 months and my husband never brought it up until recently--and he got mad when I said I wasn't answering. Why do people want to know this -- and was I wrong for not answering him? I would have lied about the number anyway....

(Question from a blog)

MY question is: WHY would someone WANT to know?
HOW would that make a relationship BETTER?

( I had to edit this and add this part because a few people missed the part where i wrote that this a question from a BLOG. This is not my relationship, i am single and never been married. I asked this to get other folks perspective on this...)
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Replies

  • AZKristi
    AZKristi Posts: 1,801 Member
    If he didn't think to ask it before he said "I do, " I don't see any reason for him to start asking now.
  • kdeaux1959
    kdeaux1959 Posts: 2,675 Member
    Hmmm ... Well, my wife and I cleared that up BEFORE we were married... In our case, the number was "0" on both sides of the relationship so that made it a little easier to answer; that being said, after the wedding day it really becomes a moot point in my honest opinion. I would think if you wanted the answer to that question, you would ask it before you said "I do"...
  • mommamindi
    mommamindi Posts: 256 Member
    I told my husband, and he told me a general amount. It was while we were just talking and before we got together. He knows I have been with one person. He knows also that I have been sexually abused and raped. I believe in full disclosure with him, just because I have a lot of issues in that area of my life. I dont know his "number". I know he has been with a lot of women. I dont care to know his number specifically.
  • TexasTroy
    TexasTroy Posts: 477 Member
    For me it doesnt matter. What happen's in Vegas stays in Vegas....in other words-its in the past so doesnt mean squat.
  • ewl6850
    ewl6850 Posts: 158 Member
    Shouldn't matter either way. The girl I was seeing always worried about coming off as a floozy, and I'd assure her that she wasn't, to which to retorted with, "Do you even know how many guys I have been with?" My answer, as should be with any guy that really cares about his significant other was, "Nope, and it doesn't matter at all to me."
  • wildjenmonster
    wildjenmonster Posts: 7 Member
    My fiance and I have talked about it openly numerous times....but it somehow naturally falls into the conversation.

    I'm always extremely curious about the girls he's been with before me, because I was the one he chose the marry. It makes me want to know what special qualities I had that they didn't, if that makes any sense.

    I've always been honest to him whenever he asks, and he never seems upset by my past. I think he feels the same as I do, honored and flattered that we chose each other over the other people in our lives.
  • katamus
    katamus Posts: 2,363 Member
    I've asked out of curiosity.. But that was about six months into dating (we're going on four years together). I don't think he has EVER asked me. Maybe he did a long time ago, I don't remember.

    But AFTER being married? I don't see the logic in that. At all.
  • redheaddee
    redheaddee Posts: 2,005 Member
    A husband is a life partner and should be a best friend. If you cannot tell each other EVERYTHING, than that is a problem. My hubby is the one person who knows me better than everyone on this planet, and I him.
  • Dynamite190
    Dynamite190 Posts: 8 Member
    I dont feel its important.My wife volunteered and told me.When she asked me I told her no because I dont think she can handle the answer.I feel if a man or woman is secured with themselves they wouldn't care to ask.It doesn't matter how many people a person has been with but who you are with now.Why would a person want to give themselves a visual of x # of people being intimate with you.Why would they punish themselves with info they dont need.I truly believe secure people dont ask questions of that nature.
  • kimosabe1
    kimosabe1 Posts: 2,467 Member
    That's not a question my husband has ever asked me. I've never asked him either, I mean-who did he marry? That's retarded to ask your spouse.... Why would you ask if you are going to compare?
  • Dave198lbs
    Dave198lbs Posts: 8,810 Member
    we are all sluts. he just wants to know how well you fulfilled your true destiny. If you had more than 5, then LIE!
  • EDesq
    EDesq Posts: 1,527 Member
    Something triggered his curiosity, maybe reading a magazine, watching a TV show or listening to "the boys" talk. I would have just shot a LOW number out there slowly, saying dang, I can count them using LESS than all of my fingers. Then I would ask, "what brings this on" and now that I have told you, how about YOUR number (NOT really wanting to know but just trying to hold up My end of the conversation and support My Lie!).


    ETA: Just read your Profile and noticed that you are in the military. You know that there are "Rumors" that some women in the military, when they Deploy into war areas "lay down" for they guys as "their duty." Just saying...he may have heard this also, true or not.
  • lbmore33
    lbmore33 Posts: 1,013 Member
    you have been married 6 months and now he wants to know...why now? It never came up why you guys were dating? Seems kinda strange to ask that type of question now imo. These to me are loaded questions...you just may be shocked at the response...why even bother.
  • EDesq
    EDesq Posts: 1,527 Member
    A husband is a life partner and should be a best friend. If you cannot tell each other EVERYTHING, than that is a problem. My hubby is the one person who knows me better than everyone on this planet, and I him.


    I don't necessarily agree with this...I think your partner/spouse being your best friend is WAY Over-Rated! Sometimes it is ENOUGH that he/she is just your partner/spouse; kinda like having a Mother as your best friend, sometimes all you need and want is a Mom, that's "job" enough.
  • virichi08
    virichi08 Posts: 465 Member
    My fiance and I have talked about it openly numerous times....but it somehow naturally falls into the conversation.

    I'm always extremely curious about the girls he's been with before me, because I was the one he chose the marry. It makes me want to know what special qualities I had that they didn't, if that makes any sense.

    I've always been honest to him whenever he asks, and he never seems upset by my past. I think he feels the same as I do, honored and flattered that we chose each other over the other people in our lives.

    My question is HOW does knowing how many people your husband (wife) has been with BETTERS the marriage?
  • meeper123
    meeper123 Posts: 3,347 Member
    Do you feel obligated to answer if your husband/wife asks you how many people you've been intimate with? We've been married 6 months and my husband never brought it up until recently--and he got mad when I said I wasn't answering. Why do people want to know this -- and was I wrong for not answering him? I would have lied about the number anyway....

    (Question from a blog)

    MY question is: WHY would someone WANT to know?
    HOW would that make a relationship BETTER?

    My hubby is outta luck hiding this from me been best friends since 8th grade i know things about him he doesnt even know about himself lol visa versa as well. Is it weird i am friends with a lot of his exs probably lol
  • TXBelle1174
    TXBelle1174 Posts: 615 Member
    My husband has a general idea but does not know the exact number. I was a bit of a wild child when I was younger. :blushing:
    I know his number because we went to college together and we were best friends and almost all of the girls/women were my friends. LOL If he demanded that I told him, I would tell him but it is pretty much irrelevant at this point.

    Really, what difference does it make now? You love him, he loves you.. you both said "I do" so what is the problem now???
  • virichi08
    virichi08 Posts: 465 Member
    A husband is a life partner and should be a best friend. If you cannot tell each other EVERYTHING, than that is a problem. My hubby is the one person who knows me better than everyone on this planet, and I him.


    I don't necessarily agree with this...I think your partner/spouse being your best friend is WAY Over-Rated! Sometimes it is ENOUGH that he/she is just your partner/spouse; kinda like having a Mother as your best friend, sometimes all you need and want is a Mom, that's "job" enough.

    I agree with this ^^^
    Plus no one who wants to know has told me how answering this question is going to BETTER the marriage.
  • CarleyLovesPets
    CarleyLovesPets Posts: 410 Member
    I tell my significant other everything so if they asked I would tell them.
    My number is not too high (3 just counting actual sex) at 19... I personally do think the number does matter a bit... I would not feel comfortable if someone pulled out a double digit on me mind you.
    Not the type of guy I tend to date...
  • EverlastBoston
    EverlastBoston Posts: 421 Member
    Always cut it in half!!!
  • mommamindi
    mommamindi Posts: 256 Member
    A husband is a life partner and should be a best friend. If you cannot tell each other EVERYTHING, than that is a problem. My hubby is the one person who knows me better than everyone on this planet, and I him.


    I don't necessarily agree with this...I think your partner/spouse being your best friend is WAY Over-Rated! Sometimes it is ENOUGH that he/she is just your partner/spouse; kinda like having a Mother as your best friend, sometimes all you need and want is a Mom, that's "job" enough.

    I agree with this ^^^
    Plus no one who wants to know has told me how answering this question is going to BETTER the marriage.

    Although you did not ask me it bettered my relationship a lot for him knowing. My situation is not a normal situation, but for us, it allowed him to know what I have been through and what went on in my past, and how to deal with the issues that may arise.
  • childofArtemis24
    childofArtemis24 Posts: 334
    Well, this could either way. I told my husband and he told me about 2 weeks after we started dating. I wanted to know, it was a major factor in defining if I wanted to keep on, or break it off. Call me mean, but I do not want to be dating someone then find out 9 months later he may have a baby. No baby mama drama for me! I guess I wanted to know, cause I thought he might have had a little sense of self respect for his self. I was raised old fashioned, so I don't consider myself mean. I consider myself cautious.
  • TexasSunny
    TexasSunny Posts: 87 Member
    I THINK it matters.... only in relation to your sex life. So really the question isn't about the number of partners, but there must be an underlying question like, "How do you know all this wild and kinky stuff?" ORRRRRR.... "How come she doesn't really know anything about sex?"

    So if you don't want to say the number, I'd reroute the conversation to the satisfaction factor of your sex life.
  • quietasariot
    quietasariot Posts: 198 Member
    Obligated? Well, this is a person you are spending the rest of your life with, why not be as open with them as possible? It shouldn't feel like an "obligation". That said, my husband and I both told each other how many people we had been with before we were married. Not the most comfortable subject, but he was curious and in turn I was too.
  • allifantastical
    allifantastical Posts: 946 Member
    Yes, this is the kinda thing people first talk about I think....to go the whole relationship and now when you are married he wants to know? Well...he's pretty locked in so he can't go anywhere lol. What is it really going to hurt if you tell him?

    Like others have posted, you should be able to be honest in a relationship.
  • DonniesGirl69
    DonniesGirl69 Posts: 644 Member
    For me it doesnt matter. What happen's in Vegas stays in Vegas....in other words-its in the past so doesnt mean squat.

    ^^ Precisely this
  • VelociMama
    VelociMama Posts: 3,119 Member
    I've always been open and honest about my relationship past with my husband. It's much easier to just be honest from the start.
  • SweetiePieHolly
    SweetiePieHolly Posts: 11
    dave198lbs your so funny....:laugh:
  • half_moon
    half_moon Posts: 807 Member
    I've told my husband, but that was a long time and many margaritas ago. Doesn't matter, really. I'm pretty much an open book. It never seemed to matter to him. We were both pretty even in our flousy-ness. Which I like. I don't like vanilla. :)
  • Awkward30
    Awkward30 Posts: 1,927 Member
    I haven't been in a single serious relationship where they didn't tell me. And if they didn't know the exact number, they told me what range they knew.

    I don't believe in secrets, so I wouldn't marry someone that wouldn't tell me.

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