What if your husband or wive wants to know...?

I wouldn't be with a dude if he cared or was pushy about knowing. That said....

I freely talk about my older lovers with my husband and he freely talks about his old lovers.

I wouldn't even call them 'lovers', per se... more like... old 'likers' who didn't know what they were doing.

I'm not ashamed of how many people I've hooked up with I'd say it's an average number. I don't believe in hiding things from someone I'm dating. I don't want to date someone whose going to judge me for my past anyway, especially decisions about sex.

I think the only time it would matter is if one of the partners was a virgin. That would be something I'd want to know.

The situation in question is a spouse asking after 6 months of marriage. If your spouse is a virgin at that point I think there are some real issues.

What a waste of time...Life is too short for all that. :yawn:

lol he's just trying to see where he ranks and how big the field was

If you can't express yourself openly and without judgement then why marry the person? Hiding and lying stuff is no fun....

It is the little things that bring you closer..it is these small things that create a division or the inability to ever really truly bond and accept each other unconditionally.

I want to know. Numbers too high make me a little queasy. And any additions to the number since we've been together will be a problem.

This also...don't give a fake number you are married be honest just in case they write it down and ask again 10 years from now...better be the same just sayin

I don't think sharing a list or numbers is necessary, BUT you do need to be candid about your sexual experiences. For example, do you have up to date STD testing? Have you experienced ____________? Have you had negative experiences with ____________? That information is the actual key, not some number which reflects little to nothing about sexuality, but instead I think is something people want to know based on their own insecurity. How many people do they feel compared to, are they less experienced, more experienced, do you have a similar moral code, etc.

Now that you mention it, I have no idea how many people my wife has slept with, and it never really crossed my mind to ask her -- though we have talked about our past relationships, etc. I could not place a number on her "conquests" if I tried. Similarly, I am not sure she would have a clue how many people I've slept with either. To each their own, though. If she asked, I would tell her, it isn't top secret info.

Edited to fix my absolutely atrocious typing.

I'm married and he's never even asked. It would probably take awhile because I honestly forgot. It's not like a tally number I keep in my head anyways..... Basically it's a huge crock! What would it matter??? Would he label you a hoe? Would he feel super studly because his number is bigger? He sounds young. It might be time for him to grow up.....

I told my husband, and he told me a general amount. It was while we were just talking and before we got together. He knows I have been with one person. He knows also that I have been sexually abused and raped. I believe in full disclosure with him, just because I have a lot of issues in that area of my life. I dont know his "number". I know he has been with a lot of women. I dont care to know his number specifically.

^^This exactly for me.

My SO, though, was with no one before me.

Personally I always advocate honesty in a relationship, if he can't handle it now that you're married, perhaps you should have talked BEFORE the marriage. And I should have quote someone who actually said your spouse doesn't have to be your best friend. Seriously? Okay, I guess yeah having a BFF that is someone outside of the relationship is good, but the saying Best friend when it pertains to your spouse means something deeper. He should, in time, know you better than ANYONE!! Lack of communication and honesty is what destroys marriages. You have to want it. YOu have to work for it. It isn't easy and it isn't supposed to be. I've been with my husband for 13 year and married for 4. So I'm not just blowing hot air here. And I'm sure others would back this up who have been married for longer.

Now I don't know what brought this on, his curiosity perhaps? It might have been an idle question, but when you rejected answering it, I'm sure now he's guessed the number is pretty high, or else you wouldn't be so embarrassed to tell him. I mean he is your husband. Why not tell him? Are you afraid he'll see you differently?

Why is it that people never think of this before they find that one? Anyway, I don't really care how anyone lives their livs, it's not my business. But since you posted....... Just tell him. If you're so embarrassed then tell him that too. Seriously is it worth making a big deal out of? In his mind he is your husband and he (I would think) doesn't understand why you want to keep secrets. Secrets destroy. You are making this bigger than it needs to be. People are soo jaded these days. It really makes life harder than needs be.

Edited to answer your other question. How does it better the marriage? Well it might not. But hiding things, keeping secrets and private regrets or insecurities most definitely will hurt it. Though you know, everybody gets divorced these days. Who cares right?

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Obligated? Well, this is a person you are spending the rest of your life with, why not be as open with them as possible? It shouldn't feel like an "obligation". That said, my husband and I both told each other how many people we had been with before we were married. Not the most comfortable subject, but he was curious and in turn I was too.

I THINK it matters.... only in relation to your sex life. So really the question isn't about the number of partners, but there must be an underlying question like, "How do you know all this wild and kinky stuff?" ORRRRRR.... "How come she doesn't really know anything about sex?"

These. Personally, if I'm going to spend the rest of my life with someone, there is no piece of information I would feel was too private. I'm sharing all of me. All of my life, my dreams and my desires, past and present.

My theory on the issue:

The somewhat insecure significant other says, "How could you have been with anyone before me? Please tell me I'm the best."

The confident significant other says, "That's nice, dear. Now let me show you what those other losers didn't know."

Always cut it in half!!!

If you cut one in half, would that equal a midget?

Well, he was very very small..... hence the experience wasn't repeated. :bigsmile: