EXTREME weight loss & divorce

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  • AllTehBeers
    AllTehBeers Posts: 5,030 Member
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    U
    My husband has voiced his worries to me about if I will "leave him" after I lose a bunch of weight. I told him "You met me at 220 lbs. I'm now down to 208, and even once I get to my goal weight I will not leave you. Because you loved me and accepted me the way I was at 220 lbs (and my highest 280) and that means alot to me!" I love this man and whether I'm fat or thin, I'll always love him the same!

    This. My SO met me at my highest 300 pounds and looked right past it. We've been together over a year and I have only gotten support my whole journey. I wish more couples have as much support as I do.
  • geekyjock76
    geekyjock76 Posts: 2,720 Member
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    Because compatibility is a pretty important aspect of marriage and relationships in general. If one person changes their eating and exercise habits drastically while the other remains engaging in the lifestyle that got them overweight and unhealthy, it can drive a huge wedge between them. Factor in the health and well-being of children in the picture, and it can become an even bigger deal and source of incredible tension and stress.
  • secretlobster
    secretlobster Posts: 3,566 Member
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    I think jealousy is the biggest factor here.

    I don't agree at all. Marriage experts say that any major change is (at least initially) met with resistance from one's partner. It's not about jealousy necessarily, but when your partner makes a major change, it's human nature to resist or reject it. Yes I'm sure some partners might be envious (it's envy really, not jealousy), but I just don't think that's always the case.
  • sevsmom
    sevsmom Posts: 1,172 Member
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    keep at it, he may decide to follow your lead once you've been on ur path long enuf - for now, definitely ask him not to bring donuts in - especially a dozen! it took my hubby 6 months of me doing well losing weight and getting results before he got on board with losing weight and using mfp... good luck :)

    And ^^^THIS^^^. My hubby took about 9 months to get on board. Then lost 35lbs in 4 months (the stinker). He's proud of my running. . .supports me spending $$ on gear and racing. But he's not too fond of the flattering comments made by some of my male cowokers. But, he knows without question that I wanted to look good for HIM and to make myself happy. Not to get random guys to look at me.
  • Mama_Jag
    Mama_Jag Posts: 474 Member
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    Losing an extreme amount of weight takes an extreme amount of change, and dedication. When one spouse is dedicated and motivated, and the other is not, it can create a huge rift.
  • Debbe2
    Debbe2 Posts: 2,071 Member
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    The bonds of commitment, love, loyalty and acceptance has more to do with whether the marriage stays solid and strong than does weight loss. Tell your husband how you feel and how once again you are requesting his support and love by not bringing home food that you struggle around. Regarding his weight and his health issues the same thing. You can explain your feelings of concern but his weight can't be resolved by you, only by him. I assume you love him no matter ? Then nagging about his weight probably isn't a good idea IMO. He'll see how great you look and feel and hopefully will follow with his own improved fitness . Taking long walks and hikes together is a really nice way to get in activity and quality time together. Good luck to you!
  • MommaKit79
    MommaKit79 Posts: 852
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    My husband has voiced his worries to me about if I will "leave him" after I lose a bunch of weight. I told him "You met me at 220 lbs. I'm now down to 208, and even once I get to my goal weight I will not leave you. Because you loved me and accepted me the way I was at 220 lbs (and my highest 280) and that means alot to me!" I love this man and whether I'm fat or thin, I'll always love him the same!

    ^^^^This for me too! My husband often says, "Yeah, you're going to lose all this weight and get even more sexy and go out and find a new younger, hotter boyfriend." I wont tho because I truely do love him. He thought I was sexy and lvoed me at my heaviest and will when I am thinner too.

    My husband isnt THAT heavy but, he does have a gut on him. He keeps saying he needs to lose weight and such and knows that his back and his BP would be better if he did but, it hasnt kicked him in the butt yet to do it. AND, we cant force them to. I am hoping to get him in to get a physical soon and maybe that will help but, I dunno. Just hoping my healthier ways and such will help sway him in the right direction.
  • secretlobster
    secretlobster Posts: 3,566 Member
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    I get why people are saying "tell your husband not to bring home junk food" but really, she is the one losing weight, not him. That's like commanding him to lose weight too. When you were overweight, did you find you had an easy time NOT buying cookies and chips, even if you knew it was "bad" for you? If it were as easy as "just don't bring it home" then he wouldn't be overweight himself.
  • mommycharlie
    mommycharlie Posts: 39 Member
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    I am not sure on the reason why it seems as if divorce occurs more so after weight loss...could be that the one who doesn't lose the weight becomes resentful, insecure, and scared. Resentful of the fact that the one who lost weight was no longer content (they. Might turn everything into something it is not...about them) and may feel like they are looking elsewhere. I don't know.
    My husband is very supportive of the changes I have made even though he doesn't have much to lose he still goes to the gym with me and gently reminds me when I am resorting back to my old habits. Spouses are supposed to be supportive of one another. Communication is key.
    best of luck on your journey and don't let anyone hold you back! You are worth it. It could be that when he sees how great you are feeling and looking he will get on board as well. :)
  • swagner73
    swagner73 Posts: 43 Member
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    The bonds of commitment, love, loyalty and acceptance has more to do with whether the marriage stays solid and strong than does weight loss. Tell your husband how you feel and how once again you are requesting his support and love by not bringing home food that you struggle around. Regarding his weight and his health issues the same thing. You can explain your feelings of concern but his weight can't be resolved by you, only by him. I assume you love him no matter ? Then nagging about his weight probably isn't a good idea IMO. He'll see how great you look and feel and hopefully will follow with his own improved fitness . Taking long walks and hikes together is a really nice way to get in activity and quality time together. Good luck to you!

    Oh yes, I absolutely love him regardless.. He actually lost 25 pounds earlier this year but has stopped exercising and eating better since I started exercising & eating healthier. And in no way would I ever nag him about his weight. Deep down, I'm still that same little girl at the dinner table whose dad yelled at her for eating with her mouth open & then stormed out the door only to return when he announced he & my mother were getting a divorce. Never ever would I nag anyone about food. I have a lot of issues tied up around food & I guess this is just another one of them. LOL
  • Kamikazeflutterby
    Kamikazeflutterby Posts: 775 Member
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    My husband was a little worried about this when I started exercising, but to be fair it is because two women on our street lost weight/changed body composition and then immediately cheated on their husbands. It seemed like a bad omen. He got over it fairly quickly after we talked about my reasons, and was very supportive and started making small changes to his diet as well.

    As many people have said, weight loss doesn't cause marriage problems, but it can point out the insecurities. And when your spouse is willing to go part of the way with you, it's a beautiful thing.
  • polar135
    polar135 Posts: 319 Member
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    I would suggest that the weight loss wasn't the root cause of the break but other issues that you choose to ignore because of lack of self confidence before the weight loss.

    Also, when one spouse does the work, well another doesn't make the choice, it can cause a strain.

    The key is to be open, discuss how you feel with your spouse, and work at it. Marriage doesn't just work, you have to put in the work to make it last.
  • ivagirl1
    ivagirl1 Posts: 6
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    My experience was just the opposite. We were both thin when we started dating and he actually had medical problems where I had to focus on him gaining and maintaining weight when I prepared meals. I ended up gaining as well but to the point of obesity. I guess his way of motivating me was to call me names and berrate me if I tried to lose weight and cheated at all. I was in college and eating a lot of fast food as well because I was traveling over 80 miles to my University for class just making the problem worse. I found myself hiding to eat and eating what I could when he wasnt around so I could do it in peace. Finally I caught myself doing it and decided to not go on diets so I didnt cheat by eating something I just wanted. Well, he motivated me alright... My new husband loves me just the way I am and supports MY decision to lose weight. Now I include my husband in my walks (short walks to build endurance) and he we discuss our meals. We talk about my calorie intake everyday to assure I am maintaining a healthy diet plan.. the next time we go for a walk maybe I will take my new Masters degree with me just to remind myself I can do anything I set my mind too.. and to gloat just a little...
  • Marmitegeoff
    Marmitegeoff Posts: 373 Member
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    this does not help any but my wife has joined me on this journey. :love:
  • Shelbert79
    Shelbert79 Posts: 517 Member
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    My husband says he'd like to start exercising and things but he hasn't. I love him the way he is, I'd like him to get healthy but I don't want to bug him about it because I don't want him to end up feeling like I'm putting him down or something. He doesn't mind me getting healthy and working out, that I know of. But I also don't deprived myself from anything, I haven't asked him to change for me (like what foods he buys and things). So I may have a turkey hot dog or ground turkey burger while he still eats a regular hot dog and hamburger or if he's craving pizza/donuts, I'll practice portion control or eat something else.

    I think, sometimes, the other partner feels left behind, not good enough, etc. And they blame the other person and start treating them different. Or on the other hand, the person getting fit starts feeling better about themselves and starts liking the attention from other people and things get out of hand. I'm just guessing on here though.
  • BelindaDuvessa
    BelindaDuvessa Posts: 1,014 Member
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    My husband has a tendency to sabotage at times. He's still a huge lover of junk food, and while I can say no to most of it, I still get tempted by some things. I've made it a point to tell him when I'm trying to avoid a food, though, because most of the time he will respect my desires and not bring it in the house.

    But, he's reacted well to my changing the family's diet to something a little healthier. He doesn't mind eating healthy meals, he just doesn't want to give up his junk either. Or exercise. But he's lost 40 pounds just by changing his diet. He still has another 20 to go, but without counting his calories or exercising, I don't see him losing it. But I am extremely proud for what he has lost. Now, when I have this baby, I'm hoping he will be more of a help and not a hindrance to my losing.
  • jhc7324
    jhc7324 Posts: 200 Member
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    There's a relationship blog I read on occasion called the "Married Man Sex Life". There's a lot to his thinking, and it makes some sense if you can get your mind around it, but this summary is probably going to sound a bit shallow. His overriding theory is that people generally end up with someone around the same level of attractiveness as themselves. I.e. A guy that's a 7 is going to end up with a woman that's a 7.

    When one half of a relationship starts losing weight/working out/getting healthier, their "rank" goes up which throws the relationship somewhat out of balance. If the 7 wife starts working out and turns herself into a 9 she's gained power in the relationship and thrown it out of balance. The man's choice is to fight her changes and bring her back to his level (probably counter productive), start working on himself and improve his level too, or fight human nature and hope that things will work out.

    I can't recommend his thoughts enough, its a pretty decent part of the reason I'm on this site now.
  • florymonde
    florymonde Posts: 261 Member
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    My husband has voiced his worries to me about if I will "leave him" after I lose a bunch of weight. I told him "You met me at 220 lbs. I'm now down to 208, and even once I get to my goal weight I will not leave you. Because you loved me and accepted me the way I was at 220 lbs (and my highest 280) and that means alot to me!" I love this man and whether I'm fat or thin, I'll always love him the same!

    Sounds like you two have some good communication going on! I think that if you can communicate that well, you can avoid a lot of problems, weightloss related and otherwise.
  • PomegranatePriestess
    PomegranatePriestess Posts: 2,455 Member
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    Have your spouses/partners/significant others gotten on board with your loss? Or are they like mine, content to sit around & bring in "your weakness"?

    My husband is very supportive. He himself has lost ten pounds in the last two months that I've been on MFP! He enjoys the healthier meals I'm making at home, and when our schedules allow, he comes to the gym with me.

    If your husband wants to eat a donut, he should buy a donut. Not a dozen. He brought home a dozen because he wanted YOU to eat a donut, and that's a red flag to me. I'd bring it up, not in an accusatory way, but rather in a way that he can feel like it's important to you that he's with you on this... even if he doesn't want it for himself.

    If he's trying to sabotage your efforts, it's probably out of fear. Do what you can to calm his fears, and he will probably change his tune. If he doesn't, you've got to ask yourself if he's worried for no reason, or if he's worried with good reason. In other words, does he treat you well otherwise? Would you stay with him if you got to your goal weight?
  • Tannedtiffers
    Tannedtiffers Posts: 558 Member
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    My physician told me that the divorce rate is like 85% higher when one spouse has lost a significant amount of weight.

    Here is my perspective being that I am the one on this journey:

    My hubby has been with me since I was a Sr. in HS. I've always been the "fat" girl. Even though I was a twirler and in band, weight never bothered me. After the birth of our daughter, a few major sugeries, a personal home problem and the death of my Nana, PawPaw, Daddy, then my Mom all in the course of 2 years I kept ballooning up. Eating was my comfort. And, I seriously didn't think I LOOKED like I did. So, when seeing my "before" pic taken at the waterpark for Christmas (almost 3 yrs ago), I said enough was enough.

    He was happy that I was doing it the "right way". No pills, surgery, fad diets, or eating disorders. When I was around the 50 lbs lost mark, I started actually WANTING to wear makeup, fitted clothes and do my hair. It was that point that I had to deal with HIS insecurities that I was doing it to attract men or wanna leave him. Which wasn't the case. I felt more confident that I was doing something right for a change and didn't wanna hide behind the "frumpy girl" look. It took a lot of agreeing to disagree conversations referring to the change of my outward appearance for him to realize that I was doing this because I felt better about myself and that I wanted HIM to be proud of me and be proud of the woman he had standing by his side.

    I'm not gonna say it was easy, but it was worth it to keep reassuring him that I wasn't on a mission to leave him just because the outward Tiffers changed. I'm still the same girl. Just look a little bit different.


    That's my story and I'm glad to have gotten it off my chest.

    ~Tiffers

    edited to add: my husband has always been between 140-155 lbs.

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