RANT: I hate my teenager

I'm very grateful that with all the problems I had being dragged up I actually managed to raise two well adjusted children. Both of whom are now adults. Separating the actions and attitudes from the child made a huge difference. I love my children wholeheartedly, but I refused to tolerate any BS from either. My daughter told me she hated me and I said that's okay just as long as you do as I told you too. I told her my job as a parent to to ensure that you are a functioning member of society, that you can take care of yourself and that nobody but NOBODY has the right to abuse or misuse you. Unlike me my children knew on a daily basis that I loved them, I supported all the good choices that they made, asked them how they arrived at this decision and told them how proud I was that they had put some serious thought into what they wanted to do.

I am by no means the perfect parent. I gave them what I never had, stability and the knowledge that they are loved. But when my daughter started calling me a ***** I said Hell yeah I am and everything you know about being one you learned from me. And you still have so much to learn.

It's only in hindsight that I see I was a much better parent then I thought I was at the time. It's the worst feeling in the world when you feel that you are failing as a parent. To the OP, stick to your guns about the tough love. My son just wasn't motivated enough to get his till just after he turned 18. I refused to be his taxi driver and then low and behold he got his license and his world opened up a lot more.

The reward I got was my daughter telling me how grateful she was that I had set her boundaries. She told me that she knew it meant that I loved her. She came to this conclusion as she saw how some of her friend's parent did not do this and didn't even know where there kids were, and how often the kids pushed to get their parents to notice them.

OP thank you for loving your some enough to want better for him then he wants for himself. Because if you didn't love him, you would not be this upset over his actions or lack of them. Stay strong.

The fact that so many people posting on here take the word "hate" on the OP so literally is ridiculous. Do you honestly think she hates her kid??? Have you ever said something that was an exaggeration due to your frustration? Some people need to relax just a little bit.

Here's some more info on this -- I realize the whole situation can not be outlined in a forum post, and I posted because our friends have very young kids, not teens, and I work in a very young office. The responses have been interesting, enlightening and entertaining. Thank you.

We found out this morning from his school during an update meeting that he hasn't been going FT -- as agreed (he's left the house to strike out on his own, got mugged by a bum and came back home to an agreement for his behavior -- FT school was one condition). He is not on track to graduate, and doesn't put out any effort.

So I told him that since he's 18 and not going to school, he is to have a FT job by the end of the month and pay rent. End of story. So he's come up with this, "oh I'm talking to a counselor about getting my GED" Always talk, no action with this guy. He always has an excuse and wants the easy way out. I said, that's great for you, but as of the end of this month you pay rent. Period, full stop. You don't pay your phone bill, cut off. You don't pay rent, you get kicked out. I told him just because we don't agree with your choices doesn't mean we don't love you. Life is hard for a high school dropout. He'll learn.

Tough love is harder on the parents, I think.

If he isn't following the agreement you had, hand him his passport, a few boxes and suitcases and tell him to get out and find his own place.

I'd kick him out and make him grow up. My children won't demand things from me like he is from you. No offense, but I don't think it would benefit them in the long run when they expect me to hand them whatever they want when they want it. Even as preschoolers, they know they don't get what they want 24/7. And to say you hate your child, shame on you.

The fact that so many people posting on here take the word "hate" on the OP so literally is ridiculous. Do you honestly think she hates her kid??? Have you ever said something that was an exaggeration due to your frustration? Some people need to relax just a little bit.

I say I hate things, but I never say I hate my children. Oh and also to the person above me... I wasn't like that to my mom. I never hated her. I also grew up WAY before 23. By 23 I had two children of my own and engaged to their father with whom I've been in a relationship with for almost 7 years. Not everyone is a horror teen

I do agree that hate is a strong word to use for you child, but I'm sure that's just the frustration talking. I don't agree that the child is always like the parent or parents. My mother and step-father were both alcoholics and abusive. My mom can't even work anymore. On top of the alcoholism she now has lupus and MS. They didn't help with college (I put myself through) and I had a job the day I turned 16. I am not an alcoholic and I would never neglect and abuse my children (if I have any) the way they did. People have a choice as they get older. Some kids are just defiant no matter how much the parents try to get control of the situation. The more they tighten the reins, the more the kids disobeys. If you haven't been in the OP's shoes, it's easy for you to judge and condemn her in under a minute, but I don't really think that's fair. Posts like these are hard to respond to because ALL of the facts and history aren't known.

OP I hope that you can get him on the right track. It's okay to not need a lot of possessions to be happy, but not finishing school and not having a job, he won't be able to get that apartment wants. I'd cut the funds. He will HAVE to get a job if wants to move out or get his license. Good luck to you!

Okay I have a three year old, he feels entitled to the world because he is three. OP I agree with your choice NOT to give into him. No matter or how a child is raised these days there seems to be an air of entitlement in the generation. At 18 mine will be allowed to live at home, but pay rent and by the time he is out of college I will expect him to be able to fend for himself. While we love our children we can HATE their choices and their attitudes.

To all the haters that are blaming her (the OP) for how she "may" have raised her child.... STFU. Not every problem is traced back to the parents. If i acted the way my mother raised me or wanted me to be... I'd be dead. I grew up being told I was worthless, a broken mistake and I wasn't going to account for anything. My parents taught me nothing HELPFUL other than I had to take care of myself because NO ONE ELSE was going to.

And you know what.... I am still here in spite of what my mother (and father) did to me, how they raised me.... why? Because I am my own person. I made my choice to NOT be my mother or father.

OP, I hope you take heart that you have done the right things. Your son may be one of those people who have to learn the hard way, he may have to fall on his *kitten* to learn what it means to be an adult. I am glad you are trying to hold your ground and make him realize live isn't easy or fair, it takes hard work & effort.

Hide that Passport well, if he's intent on drinking and you won't give it to him, I bet he'll scour the house when your not looking, trying to locate it anyways.

Good luck and I hope he comes to his senses one of these days.

This.

Maybe all this kid needs is love and caring. Because saying I hate my teenager doesn't sound at all like you love or care about your kid.

Here's some more info on this -- I realize the whole situation can not be outlined in a forum post, and I posted because our friends have very young kids, not teens, and I work in a very young office. The responses have been interesting, enlightening and entertaining. Thank you.

We found out this morning from his school during an update meeting that he hasn't been going FT -- as agreed (he's left the house to strike out on his own, got mugged by a bum and came back home to an agreement for his behavior -- FT school was one condition). He is not on track to graduate, and doesn't put out any effort.

So I told him that since he's 18 and not going to school, he is to have a FT job by the end of the month and pay rent. End of story. So he's come up with this, "oh I'm talking to a counselor about getting my GED" Always talk, no action with this guy. He always has an excuse and wants the easy way out. I said, that's great for you, but as of the end of this month you pay rent. Period, full stop. You don't pay your phone bill, cut off. You don't pay rent, you get kicked out. I told him just because we don't agree with your choices doesn't mean we don't love you. Life is hard for a high school dropout. He'll learn.

Tough love is harder on the parents, I think.

Good luck, I hope he snaps into shape. My parents made me sign a contract when I was 19 - I was 19 going on "no where" 2 DWI's, failed UA's. Probation, jail, you name it. Then, a friend got me a FT job ( at my current company ) and that really changed my life!! I matured into a young adult and realized was an *kitten* I was from about 15-20 years old. I moved out about 6 months later, got my own apartment, my own car, all all that comes with growning up.

good luck Tough love is the BEST love for your teens!