RANT: I hate my teenager
Replies
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Where do you think you went wrong?
Why does it have to be where she went wrong? What about him?
There is only so much a parent can do. We can give them the tools, but we cannot force them to use them. I get so sick of the parents always being to blame, it is BS. At what age exactly does a person become responsible for themselves?? At age 70 will my actions still my mommy's fault? Horse hockey. If he wants to be treated like he is grown, he needs to act like he is grown. Otherwise he is still a child, plain and simple. I say give him 6 months to get a job & start paying rent, finish HS & enroll in college, or get out. No options, no excuses.0 -
Hang tight, Mom!
My stepson drove me mental at this exact same stage. He hit 18 and simply quit going to school. He did take his GED, but potential employers look at that differently than they would a "normal" diploma - 20 years later and it still most defnitely affects what jobs he is considered elligible for. You and I know this is a much harder road to travel, but he/they won't listen - he has to live it (and probably complain how it's not fair, in the meanwhile)0 -
Most of these posters complaining about the word hate still have amniotic fluid on their breath.0
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The fact that so many people posting on here take the word "hate" on the OP so literally is ridiculous. Do you honestly think she hates her kid??? Have you ever said something that was an exaggeration due to your frustration? Some people need to relax just a little bit.
I say I hate things, but I never say I hate my children. Oh and also to the person above me... I wasn't like that to my mom. I never hated her. I also grew up WAY before 23. By 23 I had two children of my own and engaged to their father with whom I've been in a relationship with for almost 7 years. Not everyone is a horror teen
Confused.... you say you were not a a "horror teen" but were unmarried with 2 kids by the time you were 23? If my daughter had 2 babies and was unmarried at that age I wouldnt exactly be singing her praises.
Oh boy.0 -
I hope everything works out!0
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....0
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hate is a strong word for your child......
I agree with the above comment.
Not to mention, chances are that kids are a reflection of their parents and their upbringing. So something tells me that the parenting in his life was probably lacking somewhere along the way.
That's awesome and helpful.
Edit: To the OP: ignore the *****y/judgy comments from people who do not have children or whose children are under ten.
no doubt... you did the best that you knew how to do, and now he's an adult...it's either sink or swim but your job teaching him to be a moral, responsible adult is over. You are still there for advice and a cup of coffee, but it sounds like he needs to learn the hard way (just like I did) this is NOT a reflection of your parenting skills for the last 18 years, this is a new beginning. Let him feel the "real" world out, he'll learn.0 -
The fact that so many people posting on here take the word "hate" on the OP so literally is ridiculous. Do you honestly think she hates her kid??? Have you ever said something that was an exaggeration due to your frustration? Some people need to relax just a little bit.
I say I hate things, but I never say I hate my children. Oh and also to the person above me... I wasn't like that to my mom. I never hated her. I also grew up WAY before 23. By 23 I had two children of my own and engaged to their father with whom I've been in a relationship with for almost 7 years. Not everyone is a horror teen
Confused.... you say you were not a a "horror teen" but were unmarried with 2 kids by the time you were 23? If my daughter had 2 babies and was unmarried at that age I wouldnt exactly be singing her praises.
Oh boy.
*Hangs head in shame* Sorry. Had a snarky moment.0 -
Yikes.... Sounds like you need a hug and he needs a hug AND a boot up the backside! Now is not the time to judge you as a parent... water under the bridge, but it's never too late to make changes either.
You and your husband have to stand together on this matter and set out firm boundaries. It's all about tough love, good love and a lot of respect.
Good luck..... I'm sure things will work out for the better!0 -
OP: Your frustration comes through in your post. After I laughed my *kitten* off at all the posters who thought you were serious about "hating" your son, I thought that I would provide a bit of advice. Unfortunately your son is slipping through the cracks. In this day and age, futzing about with just getting your high school education out of the way is not a great sign for the future. Most posters say that it's time for some tough love. But I suspect you've tried that before and it hasn't worked. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't. Depends on the kid. So why not try a different tack completely and see where it takes you both? Why not swallow your pride and instead of every conversation escalating into an unproductive argument, inch your way back into his life by letting him know that you are in his corner and that you are rooting for him. Try to get back into his life by picking the right moments to just have a chat about "stuff". And the conversation doesn't have to be about him or you and him. Find some neutral ground to talk about. But before you can help him get on the straight and narrow you need to connect with him on a deeper level than I suspect is currently the case. And if Dad is on the scene, you need to make sure that you and him are a "united front". No point in you doing this alone or being at cross purposes. That will only end badly.
Being "the parent" doesn't always mean you have to draw a line in the sand. I know that most posters would suggest tough love but tough love is actually pretty easy and often doesn't yield the desired results. Get into his head and really try to understand why he's being the way he is.
The world is a pretty tough place. Let him know that you and your family are there to help him find his way. After all, what have you got to lose?
Signed,
Father of a teenaged boy0 -
I was a good teenager, until i turned 18 and graduated highschool. I had plans to go to college and blah blah blah. but I got bored with school and decided I did not want 4 more years of that crap so I never went to college. I partied a lot from 18 to about 22-23. Got married at 20 (STUPIDEST IDEA EVER!) divorced by 21. and was content with living my life day to day living with friends, working while drinking and shopping my money away. Then i met my husband a little over two years ago and I grew up. I fell in love, got married and we wanted a place of our own, we are renting right now but hopefully soon we'll own our own house (which owning a home was never my intention), so let him be... he'll get hit with reality sooner or later (or he won't but it's his mistakes he'll have to make)0
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You know how people keep saying 30 is the new 20? ...
...
Think about that...
..
20 is the new 10.0 -
hate is a strong word for your child......
^
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Assuming that if she has the passport, she, the mother purchased it, there for she owns what she purchased, she can do whatever the hell she wants with her property.
Do the kid a favor. Show the tough love. Some people only learn from their own mistakes--the most valuable lessons often cost the most. Doesn't sound like anything is costing him much at all so how is he to learn?0 -
Rant Definition (according to Bing): speak in loud **exaggerated** manner: to speak or say something in a very loud, aggressive, or bombastic way, usually at length and repetitively.
Give the woman a break!
It sounds like a very tough situation. I work at an adult (17+) school for students who previously dropped out of high school. It is amazing to see the difference between the teens and the ones who have experienced years of life as a drop out. We are fortunate that our older students can tell our younger ones what it is really like, but that only goes so far. It all comes down to intrinsic motivation, he has to want something more for himself. It sounds like you are willing to take the necessary steps! I wish you all the best!!!0 -
What frustrates me most about him is he justifies his lack of ambition and drive by saying he's 'content to live in an apartment' and he doesn't need much to be happy. Settling for less because he's too lazy and afraid of failing to try. Whose kid IS this?
He may be ok with living in an apartment and not needing much but the woman in his future may not be!0 -
First I seriously doubt you hate your teenager. Hate his actions right now but not the person.
I'm sorry but I'm not sure where anyone gets off saying it's all the parents fault. We have 3 children. One of our children liked to go out and party, didn't want to follow the rules of the house. The other two children didnt have any problems following the rules that were set for them. The one that did we had to show tough love to. We told him either abide by the rules or find your own place. He did find his own place. But, after the first winter with not enough money to by oil, in a run down trailer (nothing wrong with trailers, this one was a dump) he ask if he could come back home. We opened the doors with the same rules. You let us know when you'll be home, where your going to be, and preferably who you're with. No loud anything after we've already gone to bed. When he came home he was more than willing to find a job, and abide by the rules. The other 2 kids we never had any problems with. It's the difference in the child. We didn't raise any of them any different.
So I say, tell him what all your rules are, ask if he understands. Hide the passport and don't give in. You give in now he'll continue to run over you. You can do it mom.0 -
He's YOUR child. YOU raised him. Unless he was raised by someone else (I obviously don't know your family situation), this is YOUR product, MOM.
Enjoy.
This. Also, hate is a VERY strong word.0 -
if he thinks he knows everything... let HIM get his OWN ID, with his OWN money. Every kid thinks that way, until they have kids of their own and realize they were pretty damn dumb until now... HAHA0
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He is not getting the passport -- it's locked in the safe. As to those who blame the parents - maybe -- our message of education, education, take responsibility, be successful, go to school has obviously had the opposite effect on him.
Once he's 18, can you legally do this? I'm American (though a not-so-far south neighbor with Canadian family), and these issues have come up... but for our elderly family members, living trust, power of attorney, etc.
Do you have any court orders saying your son can't attain his legal identification? If it exists, and you're arbitrarily keeping it in a safe, I'm pretty sure you're violating your son's rights for the sake of his "lazy attitude."
This was my thought Mom want's son to have a kick up the backside and start acting like an adult, but in the process still treating him as a child by with holding the passport?
She doesn't have to give him his passport. If he wants one let him pay for it... claim it as lost, but it his expense0 -
I totally get where you are coming from. My 16 year old daughter has decided that I am the worst person forever since I refuse to let her date her 18 year old high school drop out, no-job-having, rude, disrespectful, scumbag of a boyfriend. He has since talked her into running away from home. She has been gone 2 weeks today. She calls every 3 or 4 days to tell me that she will come home only if I let her openly date this boy and allow him into my house. Needless to say... she is still gone. While I will always love her... I really hate her right now.
Umm...that's called kidnapping. You can have the boyfriend arrested. She hasn't been home for 2 weeks? That's a crime. She is 16 and legally can't make that decision for herself. I hope you know that.0 -
The term 'Hate' was used to bring attention to the post -- obviously I don't hate my own kid. His choices are disappointing and frustrating, but a post titled "My disappointment in my teen" wouldn't gain as much attention. Most parents are disappointed in their teens one time or another.
You can really tell who has teens and who doesn't by the replies.
He is not getting the passport -- it's locked in the safe. As to those who blame the parents - maybe -- our message of education, education, take responsibility, be successful, go to school has obviously had the opposite effect on him.
All he has to do is DO something -- oh look, there's a car for you -- if you get your license, you can have it. Does he get the license? No, it's too hard, and no one will just GIVE it to him. Anything he has to do for himself, he won't.
And no, he gets no money from us. He gets food, shelter and love.
I am only going to repond to one part of this "He is not getting the passport -- it's locked in the safe". Once he is an adult that is HIS legal document. He could have the police come and make you give it to him. I wouldn't deny him his legal rights as an adult. Though I wouldn't allow him to disrespect me or my husband in our home either. Give him the passport and tell him to move.0 -
HATE???? That's hurtful to hear. I raised two teens and had my battles with both. In fact one didn't speak to me for over a year even though I didn't do anything to him. We are as close as can be.
WHY? Because i love them UNCONDITIONALLY!! There is no greater love. Never once have I put either of them down. If they have outlandish dreams then I encourage them to do so. $100? Not a whole lot. I have to figure out today if I need to go into my 401k to finish paying off my sons college tuition (he's on a swimming scholarship that pays 80% of 40k a year.). I WILL TRADE YOU!
BE THANKFUL that he's made it to 18. And stop whining about it. I hope you can figure out a way to get closer with your son.0 -
OP: Your frustration comes through in your post. After I laughed my *kitten* off at all the posters who thought you were serious about "hating" your son, I thought that I would provide a bit of advice. Unfortunately your son is slipping through the cracks. In this day and age, futzing about with just getting your high school education out of the way is not a great sign for the future. Most posters say that it's time for some tough love. But I suspect you've tried that before and it hasn't worked. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't. Depends on the kid. So why not try a different tack completely and see where it takes you both? Why not swallow your pride and instead of every conversation escalating into an unproductive argument, inch your way back into his life by letting him know that you are in his corner and that you are rooting for him. Try to get back into his life by picking the right moments to just have a chat about "stuff". And the conversation doesn't have to be about him or you and him. Find some neutral ground to talk about. But before you can help him get on the straight and narrow you need to connect with him on a deeper level than I suspect is currently the case. And if Dad is on the scene, you need to make sure that you and him are a "united front". No point in you doing this alone or being at cross purposes. That will only end badly.
Being "the parent" doesn't always mean you have to draw a line in the sand. I know that most posters would suggest tough love but tough love is actually pretty easy and often doesn't yield the desired results. Get into his head and really try to understand why he's being the way he is.
The world is a pretty tough place. Let him know that you and your family are there to help him find his way. After all, what have you got to lose?
Signed,
Father of a teenaged boy
As a mother of a 30 year old son and 16 year old daughter, and as a former unruly drop out teenager , you spoke my heart. Thank you for your words of wisdom. OP, keep setting limits, but remember to kiss the frog...it will get better.
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Is it legal to with-hold his passport now that he is an "adult"? I would check into that regardless of whether you paid for it or not.
I also agree hate is a very strong word to use for your child, maybe you hate the behaviour but I'm pretty sure you don't hate you son...0 -
bump, i want to read more of this tonight when i am home from work and can read it all0
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This.
I can only imagine how upset he would be if he saw your post. Yes, he may be partly to blame but teenagers are often lacking in motivation. I can only say that even though I was incredibly motivated when I was younger, I then got depression and M.E. and got no qualifications. I was a horror to my mum and she has admitted since she could have given me up. The thing that made me able to live with myself was that she always told me that no matter what I did - whether I became rich or worked in a corner shop, she would always love me and as long as I was happy, that's all that mattered.
Is your son happy? I don't mean 'content'...I mean happy.0 -
Where is his dad in all this?0
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IF you want him to be an adult, make him act like one. Give him the passport because by withholding it you are treating him like a child. It is legally his. However, if he loses it thats his problem, not yours, so don't replace it.
Set down some ground rules you expect him to comply with, for example applying for a certain number of jobs a week or doing a course of study. Being unemployed and not in education is unacceptable. Make this clear and then its up to him to follow your rules if he wishes to live with you. Set him a deadline so that if he isn't doing what you want by a certain date, make him leave.
I do hope though that you make it clear to him you love him regardless of how he acts because hate is a really strong word. And really, at 18 so many boys are immature. It sounds like you have put a lot of pressure of him to succeed, which can be really hard for a teenager and make them rebel. He probably feels like nothing he does is good enough for you.
PLus, going out to get drunk at 18 is really not a big deal, he could be doing much worse. My financees mother was very unloving to him. He didn't achieve what she thought he should and so she kicked him out at 17. One evening he came home to find a bag on the lawn with some clothes and he had nowhere to go. It really scarred him. Everyone needs unconditional love from their mum.0 -
I'm right there with you!! Love/Hate...fine line these days. I also have a 17 yr old, who knows EVERYTHING and a 15 yr old, who hates himself, both boys, and its clear to them I am an idiot. My 18 yr old, who is at UNC-Chapel Hill, is so great now and appreciates both of his parents since he's gone away to live. My friends listen to my grief about these 2 kids at home and tell me it will all be better later on, but, man, that really doesn't help things right now. My reprieve is that they will all be going to college! Somewhere away.1
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