Any Thoughts before I Kill Her!
Replies
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Does she have assigned chores that she is responsible for on a regular basis? Of course she should be expected to pick up after herself but it may help to have specific things she is expected to do - perhaps part of the reason she complains is that she doesn't know what she's supposed to have done? Or she has done some cleaning/tidying up but you may not notice and it and then she feels like you're picking on her without acknowledging her efforts?
"Clean the house" is fairly vague because it can be anything from sweeping, laundry, washing the windows, vacuuming, wiping down the baseboards and reorganizing the pantry or maybe you just want her to do dishes and get the mail?0 -
My son will be 14 on Saturday...and he is the only child. We only ask him to take out the trash...they way I look at it is...they should have chores....but he's only going to be a kid once and I hated chores so if it doesn't happen we let it slide....I may pay for it later...but wow did I not like chores....so I don't mind if he doesn't do the trash.........
Just remember someones got to do it. If you let him slide because you know you didn't like chores, what about the person who has to do it for him? It would only take him 5 minutes.0 -
lol although i had an older brother once i got old enough i was the one doing all the chores which ofc made me feel like a slave especially since i had to also clean up after my brothers mess...and if i didnt id get yelled at. why dont you give her an incentive. like if she cleans the house every saturday you will give her 20 dollars or something you know? that always works for me
lol 0 -
^^LOL I love this :laugh: .
Okay that being stated, I think it's important for kids, specifically teens to be given responsibilities. Maybe this is a good chance to have a heart to heart with your daughter? Lay out that you need her help, it will make her feel important, and explain what it would mean to you (without using a guilt trip). Maybe it can pave the way to a deeper conversation
. Good luck. 0 -
My friend is a single mom and she also works two jobs. What she did when she kept coming home to a house that was a mess is that once the kids went to bed, she went around the house with a huge garbage bag and put all the stuff that was not put away at the end of the night into it, and then stored it out in the garage for a week or two. When the kids got up the next day and were looking for their stuff, she told them that since they did not care enough about their stuf to put it away and take care of it properly, she put everything she found in a bag and removed it from the house. She then told them that she would do this every night once the kids went to bed. Miraculously, their stuff got picked up every night after that!0
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Tell her if she wants money for college she'll straighten up, or she can spend her life working at McDonald's and really know what it's like to feel like a slave.
Wait, she's 14. That won't work. If she ever gets any spending money at all, whether it's an allowance or if you buy her something sometimes when she asks, you could turn it into a weekly wage that depends on her doing her chores, I suppose. No chores, no money, no movies, no clothes beyond the basics.
It's tough no matter what you do, though, she's 14, and that's not a good year. In fact, she'll probably be certifiably nuts until she's past 20. My sister and I were hormonally nutty.0 -
I was an only child and whilst I liked doing things like cleaning the car for money I hated doing things like washing up etc.
When it came to tidying, like all little kids I used to get nagged, a lot!
My worst sins were things like washing up...
I had pocket money, and just generally helped out, so... on bin day, I would be ASKED to get the bins from upstairs and bring them all down, and take them back up again...
My mum would ASK me to make sure anything I wanted washed was in the laundry basket so she would wash it on her day off.,.. and she would lay out my dry stuff on the bed for me to put away.
Once I threw my school skirt under the bed on the last day of term and then freaked out when I couldn't find it for the first day and her reaction was "well... if it didn't make the basket....." Only need learn that lesson once!
My mum taught me how to iron my school shirts so... it may only have been 5 things out of her pile to do, but it was a help.
I'd occasionally tidy up and sort out things like the airing cupboard for her...
My parents both taught me a lot of the basics of how to cook, so I could "help" out there too...
My parents were both nurses, working opposite shifts so one parent was around to pick up/collect from school ...
I was by no means perfect... and at 14 I think I was a complete moody mare, but I was mainly asked to help and so would be a little more willing.0 -
My son turns 14 today!! He is an only child as well and complained that he wasn't getting paid to do stuff around the house (kid pretty much gets what he needs when he needs it anyways). So I said fine you want money to help out cleaning up the mess you help make that's fine. The house payment is due next week and I'm going to need your share so I'll need that $500 by then. Shut him up pretty quick. In fact he got a job helping a neighbor cut grass and started earning his own money 0
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At 14 my Mum died ,,, and I had chores. I was also trying to help my Dad sort out household bills and my younger sister.
My sister on the other hand didn't (was 6), she's now in her 30s still everyone has to do everything for her! Don't make a rod for your own back or the next person they have the misfortune to live with.0 -
Don't worry I don't plan on killing my 14 yr old anytime soon! I just need some advice, My daughter is the only child and since I grew up with siblings it's hard to relate with her at times.
The problem is this I work 2 jobs and when I come home to a house that looks a mess I get upset. Then I have to hear her complain that she feels like a slave if i ask her to straighten up. When I was growing up it was more then just me so I always had help with chores, I don't want everything to be on her but something has to give any advice out there?
Well she is the only one there to make the mess she should clean it. You have every right to be upset she is 14 not a baby she should help out. Her complaint about feeling like a slave Tell her if she was a slave she would be working 2 jobs for no money then have to come home and clean up after you. Kids these days have it too easy, if you let her be lazy now she will be a lazy adult.0 -
I am the middle child of 3 girls. I was the only one that really helped out most of the time. My mom secretly gave me more of an allowance once in a while because of it. I remember being that age..I had school and a job after during the week and homework to do..I did complain from time to time..mostly because I was just cranky and tired...maybe just work with her on a few simple tasks?0
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I agree, part of it is the age. I remember wanting some sort of justification for why I had to do certain chores - makes no sense so chalk it up to teenage attitude and/or hormones. Anyway, setting it up to earn her allowance or maybe even something she wants to do or buy would help. That sets her up with a real world situation. We work hard to earn our paychecks. If we don't, we may not get a pay raise and worse case scenario we get fired - obviously you can't fire her but you can do the $1 deduction idea others have shared.
And try REALLY hard not to wig out on her. I know you're stressed and tired and frustrated but you're giving her negative attention and some teenagers just thrive on that because they love the drama and she may even be doing it on purpose subconsciously. If she's not doing what she's supposed to, let her know you're not happy in a calm reasonable way and let her know that you're deducting it from her pay. Eventually she'll get it and it'll spare you both from long drawn out fights. (I don't know if that's really what's happening but it's what I picture from the original post).0 -
after a long day of work and school try to always show the love first like, hay baby how was your day? before you notice the mess.0
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No thoughts, just commiseration... I have a 12-year-old son. Only child too. Totally driving me nuts.0
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Why should it all be on you? I was an only child too and my mom worked her *kitten* off and I helped as much as I could as well as having my own job and school. She needs to buck up and lean responsibility!
^Agreed. I am the only child and my parents divorced when i was 3. My mom worked her *kitten* off as a single mother, and I had plenty of chores. Yes, as a teenager I begrudged her for them, but it taught me responsibility time management as I also had jobs and school and sports. Kudos to you for making her help, it shouldn't be all on you! Good luck! :flowerforyou:0 -
Oh, I so miss that age! Okay, not really.
My daughter was an absolute slob. She would do her chores around the house and since she had to do her own laundry at 14, if she ran out of clean clothes, she had to dig through the dirty clothes. Though her room was a disaster area, she did stay up with her laundry and chores for the cash (deductions for those unfinished or I had to remind her of).
The REAL payoff came last year. During her first year of college, her roommate was WORSE than she was when it came to leaving stuff lay around and not picking up. I thoroughly enjoyed hearing her ***** about what a slob her roomie was and how hard she had to work keeping the house clean. Oh, you cannot know how hard it was not to laugh out loud!
Anyway, she had been taught how to cook, clean, and do laundry at home so after last year's debaucle, this year with new roommates, they are cleaning the house (for the most part) and with a washer/dryer in their house, staying up on laundry. They are even cooking!
So, don't fight it. Lay down rules that allow for failure with a cost (i.e. do your own laundry or wear the stink to school).
You will get a day when you can laugh when they complain about others who are worse than they are.0 -
I agree with her. I also have a five year old that complains "its to hard" my 18m old helps more then him. Chore chart and allowance usually works. Good luck.While I don't have a teenager yet, I do have a 5 year old that I am trying to teach responsiblity. I would suggest making a chore chart for her. Try not to giveher too much, but some basic duties like dusting, vacuuming and keeping her room clean would be a good start. Have a rewards system in place. My son earns points for doing his homework, cleaning his room, and helping Mom. Those points add up to a trip to Chuck E Cheese, or something like that. For your daughter maybe it can be a small allowance or a trip to the movies.
I'm not sure if you're a single mother, but I am and I know I can use all the help I can get, even if it comes from my 5 year old. I found the rewards system really helped with his attitude towards helping me. Good luck!0 -
At that age, ask her for her ideas an a good way, better, fair, or whatever, to run the household. To that you have to do what she says, but at 14 her thoughts and ideas should be listened to..and she might have a really good idea.0
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I'm an only child also.. and at 14,I was doing my own laundry, vacuuming.. Never dusted as I cannot stand the sight of lint or dust.
Lay out the rules, and if she doesn't follow them, then consequences follow.0 -
My son will be 14 on Saturday...and he is the only child. We only ask him to take out the trash...they way I look at it is...they should have chores....but he's only going to be a kid once and I hated chores so if it doesn't happen we let it slide....I may pay for it later...but wow did I not like chores....so I don't mind if he doesn't do the trash.........
Beware this kind of attitude...I married a man who's mother didn't make him do a single thing as he was growing up and it is hard to get him to do anything now with out a ton of nagging and b*tching. Granted he has gotten A LOT better over the years but there was a lot of fighting and me going on laundry/cooking strikes to get my point across. You're not doing your kid any favors by letting him slide through life like that.0 -
Yeah, I complained about chores at that age too. But I did them because if I didn't, I wasn't allowed to use the computer, watch tv, visit friends, or do anything else that I wanted to. Now is the time to remember you are her parent not her friend.0
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No thoughts, just commiseration... I have a 12-year-old son. Only child too. Totally driving me nuts.
I was not an only child and very few of my friends where so I don't understand the whole "only child" thing. But if it has to do with being an only child then have move babies...problem solved!
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I like the idea of having a price list for chores. Picking up after yourself should be expected, keeping her space in good order should be expected (her room, her bathroom if she has one) on a weekly basis. Cleaning up after everyone else is a great way to earn allowance. She's 14, she's going to moan and complain about everything, but you also have to consider if you're treating her like your child or your living partner, especially if it's just the 2 of you. Sit down and make a list of things that are expected of her that include punishment if not accomplished (cleaning her room, cleaning her bathroom if it's not a shared bathroom, putting her dishes in the dish washer, wiping up the counters if she makes a mess) and a list of chores that are appreciated when accomplished during the week with a schedule of when those things are done. Her allowance directly proportional to what was done and what wasn't during the week. On the weekend you set aside time, just a block of time that you spend together. This time can either be spent working side by side to accomplish the tasks not completed during the week or doing something fun together. Remember to have reasonable expectations of her, and yourself. As a student, if she's keeping her grades up and getting all her work done, she has a full time job too.0
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No thoughts, just commiseration... I have a 12-year-old son. Only child too. Totally driving me nuts.
I was not an only child and very few of my friends where so I don't understand the whole "only child" thing. But if it has to do with being an only child then have move babies...problem solved!
I am an only and so is my daughter, but I haven't noticed any difference between us and people I know who are not onlies. But my parents didn't spoil me and I didn't spoil my daughter.
The OP's daughter is behaving like a 14-year-old girl. It has nothing to do with how many siblings she doesn't have.0 -
Did you spoil her and allow her to slack off when she was younger?0
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1. I agree with the posts that point out that a 14 yr old complaining about chores is not atypical. Kids need to learn responsibility and chores are a big part of that.
2. It is important to understand what an appropriate level of "help around the house" should be expected from any child.
Starting from about the time I was 12 housekeeping/cooking was entirely my responsibility. I cooked dinner most nights, did dinner dishes, rotated dusting/vacuming different rooms of the house each week along with bathrooms. I even was responsible for preparing my parents' lunches for work the next day. On weekends I also helped outside with yard work. Obviously this was more than should be expected than from any 12-15 year old.
With my own kids, my wife and I hold them responsible for cleaning up after themselves (toys and belongings out of common areas, keeping their own space clean, etc...). For over arching housekeeping we may assign one/two specific tasks to each of them; the oldest is in charge of trash night, the middle one feeds the dog, etc...
The key is, I think, that they don't do these chores "because we need their help" keeping house. It isn't a child's job to "keep house". Even if it is hard for us to keep house, it is not automatically the child's job to "pick up the slack". Instead we incorporate chores as part of overall parenting.
Just my 2 cents, I've been wrong before...0 -
Did you spoil her and allow her to slack off when she was younger?
^^This. My kids are 19 and 18 now. I've been a single mother for 17 years. My kids knew from a young age that they had to pick up after themselves. No way I had the time or energy to do everything. I may have had to remind them when they were older, but I never came home to a messy house more than one day in a row.
It will be difficult to make her do it now if she hasn't before, but I'm sure it can be done.0 -
My friend is a single mom and she also works two jobs. What she did when she kept coming home to a house that was a mess is that once the kids went to bed, she went around the house with a huge garbage bag and put all the stuff that was not put away at the end of the night into it, and then stored it out in the garage for a week or two. When the kids got up the next day and were looking for their stuff, she told them that since they did not care enough about their stuf to put it away and take care of it properly, she put everything she found in a bag and removed it from the house. She then told them that she would do this every night once the kids went to bed. Miraculously, their stuff got picked up every night after that!
I have totally done this! It only takes once.
I also cleaned my son's room once when he was 9 or 10 and bagged up everything. I never had to clean his room again. LOL0 -
I have a son who will be 13 in January...Just last week I said why can't we take 10 years off of his age for a couple days. He is definitely turning into a teenager and I was an only child so watching him around his younger sister is completely new to me. The fight all the time. Also I have no idea what it is like for a teenage boy! Ugh!!
GOOD LUCK!0 -
She lives there, she makes the mess... she cleans! Until she is 18 it's written in stone, you do what your asked..... it's payback for living for free.0
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