partner is sabotageing
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Let me start off by saying that when I read this post, all I could think is that I've been here before. My fiance has always been able to eat whatever and not gain anything. I always joke and say that he can eat 5 cupcakes and lose 5 pounds, while all I do is LOOK at a cupcake and gain 10!
However, he never understood when I said that if the food is there, I'll eat it. I'm glutenous like nobody's business. It's like somebody would just wipe the fact that I'm trying to eat less and/or better from my brain until after I completely finish off a supersized BigMac, French Fries, and Large Coke. We both work in restaurants, which makes it very easy to acquire food at any given time and he always has a habit of bringing me home food at the end of the night because it's just going to be thrown out. And, of course, it's always the good stuff, like pasta, or cheeseburgers, or whatever. I never wanted to make him feel bad by saying I didn't want it, because he went through the trouble of cooking and bringing it home for me. But it made me feel bad and that's not any better.
So one night, I sat him down, and I told him. I told him everything. I told him how much I appreciate him doing all of this to bring me dinner and such, but I told him how much it hurt me afterward to have disappointed myself over and over again by giving in. He had the initial "Well if you're not hungry, don't eat it... Nobody is forcing it down your throat" stance, but either way, he stopped bringing food home unless I asked. And even then, he reminds me that if I am really wanting to lose this weight, that it won't be a good idea for him to bring food home because he won't be home until 1030ish and I don't need to eat that late. He might not understand why I feel like I can't control it, or why I consider it an "addiction," but he doesn't want me to hurt. Since then, he's been substituting my Cokes for Coke Zeros and water, and reminding me that I don't need to eat some chips while watching TV at night. It's been great.
So I would just sit your husband down and explain to him calmly that you don't want him to bring you these foods. Tell him that it hurts you to disappoint yourself everytime when you give in. And whether or not he thinks its because you're not strong-willed, as a husband he should support your need and your request. Remind him that this will make a happier you, and a happier you means a happier him.
Good luck!0 -
WTF! WHY WOULD YOU WASTE PIZZA!!!
Finally a voice of reason in this lawless Sahara.0 -
it's a "possession" thing. if you're "fat" no other man would want you. if you're skinny and gorgeous lots of men will want you.
it's all about his insecurity
I agree with this^0 -
you're responsible for you own decisions. This is a pact between you adn your body and your mind. There's no husband in there. He has his own body.0
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I have a husband like yours: toothpick thin; always has been, always will be (currently standing at 6'5" and 172-ish lbs. fully clothed and dripping wet). It is easy to view his "thoughtfulness" in food choices as a malicious attack on my efforts to lose weight, when in reality, he just doesn't understand because he's never been where we are; he's never had to diet, he's never known the annoyance of "hanging on to those last 15 lbs.," he's never been "fat." To him, food is nothing more than something to sustain and to enjoy, because to him, that's all it has to be, there's no threat involved.
When it comes to your husband's food offerings, remember you always have the choice to eat less or none at all. I have made it a rule to eat only half as much as my husband, all factors considered (female vs. male, short vs. tall, snail's-pace metabolism vs. cheeta's-pace, etc.) I simply cannot -- or rather, should not -- eat everything he eats.
Commiserations from a fellow food addict with skinny hubby.
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my family had fried chicken and french fries last night thanks to my husbands cooking. I had grape tomatos and fixed myself a new chicken recipie that was awful so I tossed that out LOL, and although I WANTED that yummy fried chicken. I had a bowl of cereal. Moral is you dont have to eat it, my husband buys me my favorite candy, I will eat one and throw the rest out. If you cannot leave it alone get rid of it. I can take a bite and toss it. Or ask him, can you bring me home a salad instead of a burger or pizza. It is okay to eat them, in moderation. If you cant do it in moderation then dont eat it.0
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First of all, everyone here needs to agree that it's clear, deliberate sabotage. He's not only tossing greasy fast food in her face, but I guarantee he's making her feel guilty if she doesn't eat it. This isn't about willpower to avoid greasy fast food being shoved in your face in your own home, which should be your sanctuary; if she doesn't eat it, his probably sulks and gets back at her in another way. OP said they don't have money to waste on this food, hubby knows she's dieting, he routinely makes negative comments about "fat chicks being gross," by which he's implying that if OP gains weight he's not going to love her anymore. When a husband does something to a wife, knowing its causing her stress, that's actually abuse; this is not something that's going to be stopped by talking about it. OP and her husband have already talked this to death. He's not changing. He's enjoying the power he has over her.
Abuse is defined by how it affects the receiver of it it. Not by how you think it would affect you. Because there is a 360 atmosphere around emotional abuse which is hard to describe in a short MFP posting.
I recommend the book "Why Does He Do That?" you can buy it at half.com, amazon, any place that books are sold, or borrow it from your library. It is AWESOME on sabotage.
Oh good...you live with this couple. Phew.... oh wait, no you don't. So he doesn't like "fat chicks" but you think he's turning around and bringing her food to keep her fat? Eventhough she eats her planned food and said herself she eats this food cuz "he just brings it home and it's there"? This reasoning is a bit confusing when combined with your theory.0 -
First of all, everyone here needs to agree that it's clear, deliberate sabotage. He's not only tossing greasy fast food in her face, but I guarantee he's making her feel guilty if she doesn't eat it. This isn't about willpower to avoid greasy fast food being shoved in your face in your own home, which should be your sanctuary; if she doesn't eat it, his probably sulks and gets back at her in another way. OP said they don't have money to waste on this food, hubby knows she's dieting, he routinely makes negative comments about "fat chicks being gross," by which he's implying that if OP gains weight he's not going to love her anymore. When a husband does something to a wife, knowing its causing her stress, that's actually abuse; this is not something that's going to be stopped by talking about it. OP and her husband have already talked this to death. He's not changing. He's enjoying the power he has over her.
Abuse is defined by how it affects the receiver of it it. Not by how you think it would affect you. Because there is a 360 atmosphere around emotional abuse which is hard to describe in a short MFP posting.
I recommend the book "Why Does He Do That?" you can buy it at half.com, amazon, any place that books are sold, or borrow it from your library. It is AWESOME on sabotage.
The was taking the text the OP wrote and assuming to know what was between the lines.
Abuse is not abuse until they say it is abuse (on a message board).
She didn't say he was "Shoving" it in her face. She didn't say he was making her feel guilty.
No one can make you feel anything you don't allow them to make you feel. Guilt is not on HIM. It's on the OP for eating what she knows she shouldn't be eating. She can't blame him of feel bad because he is small and she isn't.
No reading between lines.
No abuse. Just pure lack of responsibility.
Based on the OP.0 -
Why do people keep giving this "throw it away" advice!?ask him to please give you the money instead of food and you'll buy something nice to wear for him.....YOU DON"T have to eat it.....throw it away and soon he won't bring you junk.....say thanks I told you I can't eat this and throw it in the trash maybe he will get the message.
Rich people I swear... SMH
He could still eat the leftovers, she doesn't have to throw it away to not eat it!
Agreed! I will always give food to someone else rather than throw it out. It must be nice to have so much cash that you can be so wasteful! :ohwell:0 -
Dunno if it's sabotage, but it's certainly cruel and insensitive.
When he brings you stuff, if you have already eaten, trash can it all immediately. If you need to eat, cut off and eat a reasonable portion (within the strictures of your caloric budget) and trash can the rest immediately. Or better yet, trash it all and eat something more budget conscious.0 -
Just like you can't make him eat brussle sprouts he can't make you eat pizza.
Brussel Sprouts are sooooo good.
I may have to put them on a pizza to see if it's a match.0 -
Why do people keep giving this "throw it away" advice!?ask him to please give you the money instead of food and you'll buy something nice to wear for him.....YOU DON"T have to eat it.....throw it away and soon he won't bring you junk.....say thanks I told you I can't eat this and throw it in the trash maybe he will get the message.
Rich people I swear... SMH
He could still eat the leftovers, she doesn't have to throw it away to not eat it!
Agreed! I will always give food to someone else rather than throw it out. It must be nice to have so much cash that you can be so wasteful! :ohwell:
Throwing it out sends a specific message and serves a purpose beyond simply getting rid of the food.0 -
...and throw the pizza at him?...any advice?
Ummmm... maybe you need to stop acting like a child and throwing pizza at your husband? It's no ones fault but your own. Stop blaming him.0 -
My husband has lost 170 pounds and with his level of exercise he can fit things into his diet that I can't. For example *although I am highly against any fast food* he brought home a smaller pizza one night. He reached a goal and his treat was pizza. Was there a piece for me? Sure was. Did I Eat it? Nope. He took it to work the next day. As he sat there eating that cheesy meat filled deliciousness I was eating a whole wheat wrap with grilled chicken and veggies. I felt better and still had the willpower to say to him "ya know, that looks F*cking delicious, however, I can't afford those calories today".
Your mouth, Your hands, Your body, Your decision. When he is holding you down shoving burgers into your mouth, we'll talk.0 -
<snip>
Say he brought home Cocaine or Heroin, would you have to consume that too?
Not the heroin, no. :smokin:0 -
Why do people keep giving this "throw it away" advice!?ask him to please give you the money instead of food and you'll buy something nice to wear for him.....YOU DON"T have to eat it.....throw it away and soon he won't bring you junk.....say thanks I told you I can't eat this and throw it in the trash maybe he will get the message.
Rich people I swear... SMH
He could still eat the leftovers, she doesn't have to throw it away to not eat it!
you think fast food is expensive? have you priced being morbidly obese lately?
She said her husband is *NOT* obese.0 -
First of all, everyone here needs to agree that it's clear, deliberate sabotage.
No we don't.
Gotta agree with the man with the abs. It's not clear, deliberate sabotage.0 -
First, you need to make a commitment to you. Tell him thanks for thinking of you, but no thank you. Eventually he will get tired of seeing you throw out the money he is spending (or just give it back to him so he can have it for lunch tomorrow - throwing away food is hard).
Second I highly recommend finding some reading materials on food addictions and compulsive eating disorders. There are not only some good books, but also some great articles that are short enough that you can perhaps share with him. Stay away from things by quacks and look specifically in medical journals.
Thirdly, if you can, ask him to see a dietician or nutritionist with you - FOR YOU. You are not asking him to change his habits unless he wants to, but to help you with yours so you can be healthy so you can be together longer.
Good luck it is hard battle when you are only fighting yourself - but now you are fighting him too!0 -
First of all, everyone here needs to agree that it's clear, deliberate sabotage.
No, we don't. :smokin:0 -
I'm going to play devil's advocate here for a minute. Try seeing things from his perspective. He doesn't have an eating problem, he doesn't need to lose weight. Why should he give up all the things he enjoys because you do? You are the one with food issues and are imposing them onto him.
But she's not, she's just asking him to support her in fighting her food issues. He's bringing home food for her to eat, not just for him. He's ignoring her when she asks him not to do that to her, and that's not ok.
OP, could you bring a snack to the gym you could eat on the way home? Just enough to take the edge off so you have a chance to step back from the pizza/pepsi/whatever and take a deep breath and think. I agree wit the other posters, maybe immediately drizzle dish soap over your portion/pour out the pepsi so you're not tempted. I do that if I'm craving chips, I buy a bag, eat a handful and throw the rest out because if they hang around I'll eat them, even if they're cold.
If your husband isn't listening when you tell him that him bringing home unhealthy food is making your life unnecessarily unpleasant, then do just throw it out/render it inedible when he does. (Your own portion, I mean, obviously your husband can eat what he likes.) But if it continues, there's probably other issues behind his refusal to stop, maybe he feels the power balance in your relationship is shifting, and maybe counselling might be an option if he doesn't understand that you're not getting healthy in preparation for leaving him.
To put it another way, if you were trying to give up smoking and he kept bringing home cigarettes for you, I don't think people would be so quick to dismiss his behaviour, so I really think you're justified in being upset about this.
very wise comment!0
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