Being called a "fat *kitten*" by my husband....
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"Through thick and thin" sure. But saying those things to your spouse isn't a thinning relationship, it's an abusive one.0
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Such a touchy topic with many commenting on "leave him, or work it out"
I just want to say I understand feeling discouraged because of someone not being an encourager, but discourager. But you made the start, and can cross the finish line. Weight loss and health changes take time, and in time if you stick with it, you will shine with your improved self.
Words are hurtful, and can do a lot of damage. If you cant use them for fuel, use them to learn. Learn that you can prove them wrong and in the right way.
:flowerforyou:
Good point!! I think a lot of us lost sight of what the OP was kinda needing/wanting. If your husband doesn't support you 100% of the time, come here, we always will! Get on track for yourself and hopefully, he'll get on track with you and know you're serious about your health journey. Best of luck!0 -
Point me to the part in the vows where he has broken them & I'll point to the vows that states where leaving him would be breaking them.
I've had this discussion before with people who could not find where it states something like this is breaking a vow at all. I am still waiting for them to find the part.
Why take vows in the 1st place if people decide if it gets hard, to just leave?
I don't know whether this poster should leave her husband. Marriage vows are sacred, but protecting your children and your self-worth are more important. Would you really want to teach your daughter that it is okay to be abused by someone she loves?0 -
"Through thick and thin" sure. But saying those things to your spouse isn't a thinning relationship, it's an abusive one.
Doesn't sound threatening or physical. He could've been drunk, they could've been arguing and he doesn't really mean it. A better idea would be to catch him in a better mood and have him apologize. Getting divorced over something like that is a little overdoing it. Maybe he met her when she was a lot skinnier so his standards are a little high and if he can't encourage her to lose weight in a nicer way then her heart will tell her what to do. She's a member of MFP so he should already be happy to know she's putting some effort into losing weight. It's a sad situation but I would never encourage anyone to get divorced over that. There's a reason why our country has one of the highest divorce rates in the world.0 -
"Through thick and thin" sure. But saying those things to your spouse isn't a thinning relationship, it's an abusive one.
Doesn't sound threatening or physical. He could've been drunk, they could've been arguing and he doesn't really mean it. A better idea would be to catch him in a better mood and have him apologize. Getting divorced over something like that is a little overdoing it. Maybe he met her when she was a lot skinnier so his standards are a little high and if he can't encourage her to lose weight in a nicer way then her heart will tell her what to do. She's a member of MFP so he should already be happy to know she's putting some effort into losing weight. It's a sad situation but I would never encourage anyone to get divorced over that. There's a reason why our country has one of the highest divorce rates in the world.
Physical abuse isn't the only kind of abuse. This is clear verbal abuse. And if you think being drunk or not meaning it or even arguing is cause to speak to someone like this, you should really seek anger management or some form of counselling. Because this is not her fault, not her problem, and not something for her to fix. This is a root abusive situation. Bottom line.
We have high divorce rates for a number of reasons. To tell someone they should stay with an abuser because of national divorce rates is tweaked. The answer to that lies in our treatment of getting married in the first place, not in getting divorced.0 -
I got to page 4, and then gave up.
I cannot believe so many people are just telling her to walk out on her marriage, just like that and saying he is meotionally abusing her.
There is a big difference between someone being in an abusive relationship and someone who has, just recently, said a few hurtful words to their other half.
From the OPs posts it seems like this only started when she decided to change her life and get fit, she never once mentioned that it had been long standing or happened before her lifestyle change. Surely that should be an indicator that the man isn't a '*kitten*' or something, but has emotional issues of his own (in regards to this), that need addressing.
He clearly had no issues with you or thought/said any of that when you were just as you were before - unmotivated. However, now this motivation has either reawakened or started some insecurity deep within him and is being displayed as this verbal shower of sh*te. For some reason, he doesn't want to motivate you, leading me to believe he doesn't want you to change.
Have you sat and spoke to him about these issues?
Have you asked him WHY he says what he does?
I think the answers, comfort and change both of you need lie within a counselors office (both one-on-one and as a married couple), and not with a divorce lawyer.
Do you know what verbal abuse is? Because this was a clear case of it:Being told that I will never be thin again, that I will never be good for anything, and that I'm stupid isn't going to fix anything and just makes me feel worse about what little progress I've made. It also doesn't really help my depression.
Emotional and verbal abuse are used to control and manipulate their self hatred so as to control them. How on earth can you not see that this is what he was doing?0 -
"Through thick and thin" sure. But saying those things to your spouse isn't a thinning relationship, it's an abusive one.
Doesn't sound threatening or physical. He could've been drunk, they could've been arguing and he doesn't really mean it. A better idea would be to catch him in a better mood and have him apologize. Getting divorced over something like that is a little overdoing it. Maybe he met her when she was a lot skinnier so his standards are a little high and if he can't encourage her to lose weight in a nicer way then her heart will tell her what to do. She's a member of MFP so he should already be happy to know she's putting some effort into losing weight. It's a sad situation but I would never encourage anyone to get divorced over that. There's a reason why our country has one of the highest divorce rates in the world.
Physical abuse isn't the only kind of abuse. This is clear verbal abuse. And if you think being drunk or not meaning it or even arguing is cause to speak to someone like this, you should really seek anger management or some form of counselling. Because this is not her fault, not her problem, and not something for her to fix. This is a root abusive situation. Bottom line.
We have high divorce rates for a number of reasons. To tell someone they should stay with an abuser because of national divorce rates is tweaked. The answer to that lies in our treatment of getting married in the first place, not in getting divorced.
Looks to me like you are the one that needs some anger management. Have you ever been through a divorce?0 -
WOW... that would have resulted in a slap across the face, and I'm not usually a hitter.
First of all, that IS abuse, and from the sound of it, this is probably not the first time something like this has been said. While I don't agree with flippantly giving up on a marriage like a Kardashian, please be sure that this does not continue. You want to set a good example for your kids, right? Then don't let a daughter see that it's okay for a man to treat her this way, and don't let a son see that it is okay to treat a woman this way.
Second, if you are planning on staying in this marriage, you must stand up for yourself. Comments like that will not be tolerated, and if you respect yourself, you will tell him how you feel instead of random people on a forum. Bottom line: If he can't respect you, he lied in his vows. It sure as heck doesn't sound like he is loving and cherishing you throught sickness and health...0 -
Shocking that is, I know I wouldn't get away with a comment like that. And nor should I.0
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Sounds like you need to ignore him and do what you need to do... eventually you'll look hot and he'll feel guilty for calling you that. If my husband even thought about calling me that he'd get a slap to the face, well that and he is lazier then me so he has no room to talk. Last year he lost 10 lbs and I lost 35... I win!
No for serious for you... he either supports you or he goes without love in his marriage because you'll start to resent him.0 -
you believe in your marriage vows, but part of them is to love and honor.... what part of honor did he miss the boat on???? i have been in the situation of the husband not honoring, (now ex) and even tho i also believe marriage is for live, what part of a marriage is the emotional pain that you have,l..... maybe concider heart to heart,,, or counselling from an impartial mediator....but above all, care for yourself.... love yourself.... and you will be much more sucessful in your personal goals.... good luck!!!!0
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“I know everyone's going to say to just leave him, but I actually believe in my marriage vows and don't believe in divorce.”
** If he was calling you a "Lazy fat A@@, prior to you saying, "I do" than stay with him. **0 -
I believe in marriage and think divorce is the easy way out. However, don't ever sit back and let someone put you down. Stand up for yourself or hell, use it as motivation. I have to ask though, is your husband fit? I can't stand when a person fails to look in the mirror when they want to go bash someone else.
I agree with what others have said, there is more than just physical abuse. Verbal and emotional are just as hurtful but there is no mark for anyone to see. It just hurts your confidence.
Listen, screw your husband. You have a bunch of people here on MFP to help keep you going.
May I suggest you keep a journal? Not for working out or keeping track of foods, but to jot down what's said to you and how it makes you feel? That way you can use it as motivation and maybe even someday, get the courage to do something about it.
I know, it's easy for everyone here to judge your situation if we're not in it ourselves. I know.
You have a LOT of people on MFP who are more than happy to help give you the support you need, myself included!
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I am sorry you have to be called such hurtful names, that isn't right and a spouse isn't suppose to be that negative. I agree that perhaps you need to seek counseling, if not for yourself, then together and for your children as they see what is going on and as they grow older and go into a relationship, they may think that what they saw that you endured is okay. Please, be proactive in your health and well being, don't let your spouse be so negative to you. Seek out a member of your church if that is what you feel more comfortable with. Good luck to you and God bless.0
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doesn't really help. I've been dieting and doing light exercise. Just because I wanted to put our kids down for a nap after lunch and let my food digest before going for a 4 mile long walk doesn't make me lazy. I never said we weren't going to go, just that I wanted to wait a few hours. However, being called a lazy fat *kitten* by him doesn't really make me feel all that motivated to work out. Being told that I will never be thin again, that I will never be good for anything, and that I'm stupid isn't going to fix anything and just makes me feel worse about what little progress I've made. It also doesn't really help my depression. I know everyone's going to say to just leave him, but I actually believe in my marriage vows and don't believe in divorce.
Wow....honey two pieces of advice. 1) Leave now and 2) In teh interim, use this as motivation. Unreal. No one desrves to be treated that way.0 -
Some people are really ignorant as in they truly are not aware of something. Does your husband understand that this is verbal abuse? He might not, so you need to sit him down, educate him, then inform him how it affects you and then asking him if he is going to choose to be the kind of man that bullies and abuses or if he will stop and and support you? If he willingly chooses to abuse and belittle then your marriage vows are broken and there is no fixing that until he changes who he is.0
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I didn't even realize this post was still going. Just to catch everyone up... we did talk. He apologized for calling me these names. Yes, it did start when I started to make a lifestyle change. He admitted that he's insecure about me making changes. He also figured that since he has lost 40 lbs, I would want to do the same things he did to lose weight. I explained that those words hurt and do nothing to motivate me. That he has to understand that I am fighting against medications, depression, bipolar disorder, hypothyroidism, and sciatica that he never had to deal with. Losing weight is going to be different for me. It helped that I took him to my doctor's appointment yesterday and had the doctor explain to him that I'm not lazy, but that medically speaking, my metabolism isn't working the same as a "normal" person's does. Also, he is a wonderful husband and father in every aspect except harsh words when it comes to my weight loss. He is not abusive to me in any other way, and I'm not even sure I would count an argument where he said hurtful words as being "abusive". I was looking for some encouragement when he said hurtful words, not to hear that I should divorce him over an argument. Good grief.0
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I didn't even realize this post was still going. Just to catch everyone up... we did talk. He apologized for calling me these names. Yes, it did start when I started to make a lifestyle change. He admitted that he's insecure about me making changes. He also figured that since he has lost 40 lbs, I would want to do the same things he did to lose weight. I explained that those words hurt and do nothing to motivate me. That he has to understand that I am fighting against medications, depression, bipolar disorder, hypothyroidism, and sciatica that he never had to deal with. Losing weight is going to be different for me. It helped that I took him to my doctor's appointment yesterday and had the doctor explain to him that I'm not lazy, but that medically speaking, my metabolism isn't working the same as a "normal" person's does. Also, he is a wonderful husband and father in every aspect except harsh words when it comes to my weight loss. He is not abusive to me in any other way, and I'm not even sure I would count an argument where he said hurtful words as being "abusive". I was looking for some encouragement when he said hurtful words, not to hear that I should divorce him over an argument. Good grief.
Any instance where someone says something to the extent that your husband said, is abuse. Even if it was once. If he realizes that he was being abusive and is trying to stop and get help, then good for him and I hope he's never verbally abusive to you again. But really, you have to realize that there's following your marriage vows, and then there's getting away from a toxic situation for your sake and the sake of your children.
I highly doubt that vows include sticking around and taking abuse in any form.....0 -
"Fat *kitten*" sucks, but I could explain that away because that is sometimes how men talk to each other to motivate them. I don't understand it, but I don't have a Y chromosome either. To call you stupid and good for nothing is not about weight loss--you need to have him check himself if this is where he goes every time he gets frustrated or upset. I am not saying to leave, at all, but this is an issue that should be dealt with, whether in a counselor's office or just by you. Firmly.0
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If I remember the marriage vows correctly Do you ......take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife...in sickness.....etc..etc. Your husband is not keeping his marriage vows he promised to you. And if he treats you this way I would be very suspious of another woman in his life. You are better than me honey....I wouldn't put up with it for a second!!0
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easiest way to get rid of some useless weight and gain confidence is called DIVORCE not taken lightly i know but i've had that treatment . Makes you feel crap and unloved and then you eat your feelings ( bad cycle to get into ) maybe you both need some counselling or show him this site tell him how you feel that what he's doing isn't helping you ....0
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As for wedding vows, remind him that he promised to love, honor and cherish you and those words/insults go against his vows.
Exactly!!! There is a difference between fighting to make your marriage work & allowing yourself to be verbally/emotionally abused.
Edited after seeing your update: I am glad you guys worked things out, but one time of abuse is still abuse. If he had hit you "just that one time" it would still be abusive. I'm not encouraging you to leave him, but your feelings matter & you don't need to brush off his harsh words as less cruel than they were.0 -
However, being called a lazy fat *kitten* by him doesn't really make me feel all that motivated to work out. Being told that I will never be thin again, that I will never be good for anything, and that I'm stupid isn't going to fix anything
Sounds like he called you more than a Fat *kitten*, OP, but keep defending him. He sounds like a keeper :noway:0 -
LOL you believe in marriage vows? But you will endure being called names, not being happy, and what's next? Being hit?
But hey! I dont believe in divorce, so I will put up with all this!
Girl, you need serious help. Self-esteem will soon disappear with your life.
No, I am not totally happy (I have an immature hubby) but at least he treats me with decency .... and my self-esteem will not be crushed.
:grumble:0 -
Um. You're still with this guy, because? Honey, that's emotional abuse. If a man ever spoke to me like that I'd hit him upside the head with a frying pan and then dump his *kitten*.
You don't believe in divorce but you believe in being degraded by a man? Priorities, beautiful.
This
Also - imagine what that is programming your children to behave like. Would you be happy if your child were to say that to his/her spouse? Would you be happy to hear that your daughter was spoken to that way - by letting it slide and either not getting help and putting a stop to that kind of talk or getting away from it then you are pretty much guaranteeing some kind of future script. There is more than just you.
Also, it might be he was having an off day...but that is unacceptable!!0 -
doesn't really help. I've been dieting and doing light exercise. Just because I wanted to put our kids down for a nap after lunch and let my food digest before going for a 4 mile long walk doesn't make me lazy. I never said we weren't going to go, just that I wanted to wait a few hours. However, being called a lazy fat *kitten* by him doesn't really make me feel all that motivated to work out. Being told that I will never be thin again, that I will never be good for anything, and that I'm stupid isn't going to fix anything and just makes me feel worse about what little progress I've made. It also doesn't really help my depression. I know everyone's going to say to just leave him, but I actually believe in my marriage vows and don't believe in divorce.
I believe in marriage vows to but I DON"T believe a husband should verbally abuse his wife. I have been married many years (18.5) and if my husband called me those names he would have only ONE chance to change. If it happened again I would be leaving his *kitten*. I think vows are important and they are said for a purpose but I think he may have forgotten what he vowed, so maybe she is the "stupid" one!0 -
Re: marriage vows. My husband promised to "Love, honour and cherish". I wonder what were in the vows of the husband who shows his contempt and disrespect for his wife by calling her names like "fat *kitten*" and "lazy" and where is the cherishing in the undermining of her self esteem and her attempt to improve her health?
I really value marriage too - if both people are in it and keeping their vows (I particularly like the honour and cherish ones). But if only one person seems to be with the programme, you might want to see about losing the relationship deadwood.0 -
doesn't it go something like this?
for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer: in sickness and in health; to love, to honor, and to cherish, for all the days of our lives.
I don't think he's keeping up his end of the bargain and broke the contract.
agree0 -
The chick that posted this is obviously a drama queen. Might be better for him if you did split. You take no responsibility for your part. You pretty much admitted that you time and again fell through on your promises, and then you ducked out again and he blew a fuse. You ended up going, most likely because he blew a fuse. Go cry somewhere else. You are being pathetic. From the other times you replied to me, you made it obvious that you are just wanting to spread drama. So, I just gave it to you. BAM.0
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Makes me so sad to hear that someone you love would say something like that.0
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