Being called a "fat *kitten*" by my husband....
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He thinks he is motivating you by saying that kind of stuff. He needs to know straight up that it isn't helping and that you will not tolerate it from him.
My fiancee made the mistake of laughing at me while I was working out to a video on TV. I stopped what I was doing, looked him straight in the eye and said in a firm and loud tone." If you are going to laugh at my while I achieve my goals, then you need to get your *kitten* and get out of this house" and you can forget any more huggies and kissies for the rest of your life." The look on his face was priceless and he shut up.
Now, if your husband thinks it's all a joke and is not taking you seriously it's time for counseling. I bet he has some issues of his own that he needs to deal with, and taking it out on you is not going to help you reach your goals. If he is just a *kitten* naturally to you and everyone else and refuses to change, it's time to drop him like an old hat.0 -
Wow that is just not constructive plus it sounds like someone is worried that they will be put on the sidelines and not the centre of the universe. You look after yourself first then tell him his comments are not appropriate, why dwell on words that mean nothing except make him look stupid. The best of luck and be brave!0
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My wife said something close to that as I was changing for the gym. This post makes me feel less alone. Thanks for sharing0
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About 7 yrs ago I went through a dramatic weight loss, 200 lbs loss.....I worked in an ER and people I had worked with for years all of a sudden started noticing me through my weight loss journey.....my husband at the time was becoming more and more insecure about all the attention and amazing self confidence I was gaining.....He reminded me constantly that he married me when I was fat and no one else wanted me, which continually hurt me, we had just gotten married when I started my weight loss program.....to this day I still don't understand why he married me, other than he preyed on my insecurities to make himself feel better, he is now married again to another woman who is extremely overweight....at the time I wanted to lose the weight so we could do more together, and he would stop the barage of demeaning and hurtful comments about my weight, and so I wouldn't be an embarassment to him, as I always felt I was.....after less than a year and a half of marriage I came home one night extremely excited because one of the doctors that I worked with had approached me about working in his office outside the hospital, which would have been better for us financially, and we would be able to spend more time together, and my husband told me that it was only because of my weight loss, and for me to remember that just because I looked good when I went into work every evening, that he knew what I looked like with my clothes off and nobody else was going to want that.....well that was it, I moved out the next weekend, and we were divorced within 6 months....while I am not suggesting that dovirce may be the answer for yourself, what I am suggesting is that verbal/emotional abuse is never acceptable, and unless you do something about it, it is not going to stop, it will continually get worse, and as women we tend to take more than our fair share from those that are supposed to love us and respect us the most.....I am now remarried, and have 2 beautful little girls, and a brand-new baby boy, and while I gained 50 lbs back through this last pregnancy, my husband has been my most beloved advocate, always reminding me how beautiful he thinks I am and how blessed he is that I put myself through all of this to give him another child.....I am once again beginning another round of a weight loss journey, as it is something I have struggled with most of my life, but this time I have someone by my side that will support me, and even help guide me if I ask him too, and with counseling I now understand that is what I deserve.....0
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You don't believe in divorce but you believe in being degraded by a man? Priorities, beautiful.
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This was exaclty my thinking.0 -
Never stay with someone that's abusive or someone that makes you feel bad about yourself. They're supposed to love you and make you feel good about yourself. Anything else is unacceptable.0
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Not in the eyes of the law.Emotional abuse may not be as bad as physical abuse, but it's terrible none the less.
I am not saying "DIVORCE"....but just know what is going on.
You need to confront him with this.
It's an unacceptable situation.
Thanks for sharing...:flowerforyou:
Emotional abuse IS just as bad as physical abuse, if not worse. It will only get worse, not better.
Not true.0 -
Honestly, if this happens a lot, I would not be putting up with it. I would much rather get divorced and spend the rest of my life with someone who truly loves me than stay with a man who constantly puts me down.
My mom has been divorced twice. Her first divorce was with my dad, and let me just say that they did it for themselves for reasons I can't really get into because it's complicated! They both have custody over my sisters and I, and we're very lucky with the way that they set aside their differences and worked things out for us.
Her second divorce was for a reason similar to yours (but add in alcoholism). My ex-stepdad emotionally abused all of us, including my mom, and after an agonizing 4-5 years of this, she decided that she was done. We're all sooo happy now, and we haven't seen him for years, and everything worked out fine.
Staying with someone just because you "believe in vows" while being surrounded by such negative energy can't be good. Think of yourself, your kids, and how positive your life will be once you have his influence out of it. I'm not trying to say that you should get a divorce, but I hope that from the perspective of myself, a kid of divorced parents, might have helped.0 -
Don't marriage vows include something about cherishing and honoring the other person?I actually believe in my marriage vows and don't believe in divorce.
^ exactly my point. The vows mean nothing if you don't follow them.0 -
That's a tiny bit way overboard!!0
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Right on! I was in the same boat you are in now...I finally had enough and divorced my jerk husband after 19 years. It turns out he was the insecure one and he was afraid of losing me. Men like your husband and my ex think intimidation is the way to keep a woman. Please don't wait as long as I did (19 years) and 50 pounds to realize he is a bully and you AND your kids deserve better. I admire you put your marriage vows as a priority, but it's obviously he doesn't. A one-sided relationship never works. You have to think of your kids too...do you want your sons to grow up thinking your husband's behavior is the way a man is...do you want your daughters to grow up thinking abuse is ok? You have more strength to stand up to him than you realize. Think of you and your kids. To hell with him0
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Um. You're still with this guy, because? Honey, that's emotional abuse. If a man ever spoke to me like that I'd hit him upside the head with a frying pan and then dump his *kitten*.
You don't believe in divorce but you believe in being degraded by a man? Priorities, beautiful.
This.0 -
I'm sorry. It took me hearing something from my ex boyfriend to get me motivated. I stress the Ex part. Good luck on your journey. Be strong and do it for you. Peace and smiles0
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This is too painfully familiar. I lost a hundred and forty two pounds of nasty when I divorced. It IS emotional abuse. At some point, though I tried for 23 years to make my marriage work, I had to ask myself whether I wanted my daughter to think that THAT was the way a husband should talk to his wife and whether she should see herself as deserving of mistreatment and constant abuse as I had. This is NOT okay on so many levels. What would you tell a good friend who had encountered this kind of treatment? How angry would you be on her behalf> You need to look in the mirror and start to see yourself as worthy of the same good advice you would give someone you love...Best to you in all of this journey. You have my prayers...I have traveled this road of mistreatment and abuse personally and I rejoice that for me it is over. peace to you and your children/0
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I think sometimes Men think saying that stuff will motivate you. I would flat out tell him that you want to be "thin" or healthy as much as he wants you to be but insults will only slow your progress. Tell him you need his support and encouragement. Then as someone else said, turn those words into motivation. Use it as fuel for what you want to accomplish. As for wedding vows, remind him that he promised to love, honor and cherish you and those words/insults go against his vows.
^^^ All of that. It can be hard to confront your spouse, especially when you're already struggling but it sounds like you two need to communicate more. Being called a fat *kitten* and lazy is not OK. I might not divorce the man either but he would definitely get to hear my thoughts on the matter.0 -
THIS.he sounds like a dumb *kitten*!0 -
If you don't believe in divorce, you need to seek counseling, both individual and together.
Have you told him that his words are hurtful to you? I hope you can gather the strength to defend yourself from his abusive comments.0 -
Emotional abuse is fare worse then physical,bruses go away the hurt feeling not so much .I always said or thought just spank me don't sit there and call me names .those names still.hurt after 40 years .0
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(I have not read the whole thread.)
I am exactly the same weight as you. I have been much lighter. I have been heavier. My husband has NEVER been disrespectful, let alone abusive. Calling one's wife a "fat *kitten*" isn't a way to motivate her.
When I am trying to lose weight and my husband wants to help, he stops buying my trigger foods, is ready to make two different meals if he fancies something calorie-laden, and takes care of the children for an hour if I want to exercise.0 -
Ignore his mouth... or ask him for a real motivational chat - like -
"Hey my lovely wife if you do lose the weight you want to lose I will give you £500 to spend on clothes... Would you like me to help with the baby!?"
I haven't read all the thread either.
Hope you can ignore nasty bully boy comments and do it for yourself!0 -
hi, how r u doing? i think u should try as much as possible to ignore every negative word ever said by anybody...even your husband! my advice 2 u is 2 love yourself no matter what. make friends wit 2 or more people in your area who want to loose weight. you guys can go to the gym and diet together. loose weight for yourself and you. love your husband against all odds tho. i strongly believe in marriage vows. if loosing weight would make your marriage work, do it and be motivated by that!0
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pple dont divorce like that girl! like some people said, "turn his downgrading to upgrading"0
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I had exactly the same comments. He also told me that I repulsed him and made his flesh crawl. This was a man that complained when I was far slimmer that he thought I had an ED (never have) I divorced the sorry ****** lost 35lbs, kept 21 of it off these past 8 years and never looked back. Encouragement is good, emotional and verbal abuse isn't0
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Crazy. I would never allow anyone to treat me that way.0
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Unfortunately the problems you obviously have with your husband have nothing to do with being lazy or having to lose weight. Seek a marriage counselor or a priest for advice and guidance. If you believe in marriage vows you need to do something about this kind of verbal abuse before it turns into something else.0
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I also had an ex that made negative, derogatory remarks about my weight. When I was heavy, he would comment that I was lucky to have someone like him because nobody else would want me. The funny thing is, the remarks got worse as I started loosing weight! Looking back, I realize his remarks were due to some inferiority issues on his part. I am now 40 pounds lighter - his next girlfriend after me weighed over 300 pounds. Now, both of them have lost weight and he has apologized for his past comments. Don't give up - we are all rooting for you!0
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just take those hurtful words and turn them in to motivation. PROVE HIM WRONG! XD then he will just be the stupid one.
kmkgurl has this nailed. You want to make him see his words will not effect your commitment to 'You'. He secretly is probablly afraid of what happens next once you get the weight off. Just 'show' him, you're doing it and pay him no attention.0 -
To those of you saying that it doesn't take hours for food to digest, I know that. If you read my original post, I wanted my two children to nap first so they wouldn't be cranky and ruin our walk. I did take a short nap because I was so upset by what he said. However, I woke up, but on my workout clothes, and went by myself. He asked if I was taking the kids, and I just walked out the door. I walked a mile alone. It felt good. When I got home, he did apologize. He said he's just so used to me making excuses and not following through, that it pissed him off. I did explain to him that I will not tolerate him name calling anymore and that if it continues he just may end up losing the best thing he ever had. I don't want to ever end my marriage, but I can't keep living like this either. He seemed sincere when he apologized, but I'm still hurt and angry. He only talks to me like this about my weight. He has lost 40 lbs over the last two years and now thinks everyone should do it the way he did. I am seeking treatment for bipolar disorder and depression already. I do go to individual therapy already.
There are a lot of serious issues in this situation. Name calling is never acceptable - but sadly it comes out more often than not directed at our family members. There is a lot of pressure in the family when you have some of the issues you are discussing (glad you are getting help medically and with someone to speak to). My aunt was bipolar and it was often difficult to cope with some of her issues - never would it be acceptable to abuse her because of them.
Men like solutions. They like process and they aren't always great at going at problems directly - as in they often are angry about something over there and vent about something over here (hell most people do that). What I am wondering is if his focus on weight is something that he feels that you both can control in a situation where there are lots of variables (kids, mental illness, careers, marriage ups and downs). I don't say it was a proud moment for him and that it is not something which needs to be worked on (communication) but sometimes if you go back and ask him about it he may give you more insight - like his follow through comment. I have found that when my husband feels out of control on something else (health issues, money, whatever) and it is really working him he isn't at his best and he nit picks on things in a really non-productive, hurtful and sometimes bull**** way. What I do is think: 'what is happening in his life?' and then I figure out if it qualifies for his stress times - then call him calmly on his bull**** and ask him what else is going on. I don't pander to his crap - not cool to act like a baby and throw your rattle out of the pram and hurt people because you don't know how to cope with what is happening - but I also listen to what else is happening.
Living with mental illness is not a get out of jail free card for bad behaviour but it is something that might require support for the whole family. Education and support are things which will help you. Every marriage has its highs and lows that involve throwing bouquets and slinging mud - and when people are being truthful things get said that are ugly and people do get over them. If it becomes a cycle then you have to reevaluate.0 -
What an *kitten*! You do not deserve to be talked to like that. Use the anger and frustration that you have to prove him wrong. You will feel amazing when you reach your goal and you are healthy. Do not let him verbally abuse you. Do not let him bring you dow down0
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