Fiancé accused me of cheating :/

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  • leannems
    leannems Posts: 516 Member
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    From my POV; there's very few instances whereby a male and female can be good friends without there being some kind of interest beyond friendship from one party or the other. Being concerned/jealous could be an entirely rational reaction if you guys have argued or anything at all recently, though flat accusing you of cheating is a little extreme.

    Just this guy's perspective.

    Doesn't sound like they're all that close - she only sees him at the gym.

    I also disagree about men/women being friends. I have a lot of close male friends and my husband is just the opposite. I think it really depends on the individuals.

    To the OP - make sure you get these issues resolved prior to getting married. Marriage is hard, and it sounds like you both already have some things to work out (his insecurities, and you resenting some of the ways he tries to control you - you friendships, what you wear, etc). Counseling is not a bad way to go, but talking openly about it first may not be a bad way to start either.

    Also know that sometimes compromise is in order. If for some reason, it's this particular trainer that rubs him the wrong way (who knows, maybe he's over-threatened by something this particular guy does), but any other trainer would be fine - maybe you let this one go. If, however, it becomes an issue of every single trainer, then your fiance really has the problem and he'll need to focus on working that out (and no - it shouldn't have to be an instance of no male trainers - that seems arbitrary and not enough compromise from him).

    Good luck on working this out.
  • alexbusnello
    alexbusnello Posts: 1,010 Member
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    Dump him.

    An accusation is serious and clearly shows that he does not trust you.
    Once that line is crossed, it is impossible to go back.

    ^
    Not always true
  • Bobby__Clerici
    Bobby__Clerici Posts: 741 Member
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    Dump him.

    An accusation is serious and clearly shows that he does not trust you.
    Once that line is crossed, it is impossible to go back.
    ^^^^^^^
    Misery loves company.:yawn:
  • Mutant13
    Mutant13 Posts: 2,485 Member
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    My boyfriend used to go on about my personal trainer when I had one a few years ago. Trainer was about 23 and in no way interested in a 35 year old lady with two kids...he did not accuse me of cheating, but he did think something was going on...it is insecurity and jealousy I guess, that you are doing something you love to do with another guy, who is not him?!

    Try and chat to him and let him know your fitness and health are important, but that does not mean you are looking elsewhere for anything. Does he train with you? (I don't like training with others as I just want to get in and out of the gym quickly) Maybe suggest he comes and trains with you if he is that way inclined. I am not sure how else this can be dealt with, with it not becoming a huge issue and maybe a big argument. I do not think swapping to a female trainer is sensible as someone suggested...I had female trainers at my gym and they just don't do the pushing and set out the same routines as the male ones...aslo why should you have to change what you are doing just because he feels insecure?

    Hmmmmm, this is tricky. Mine got over it when he realised that his thinking was stupid/immature/etc.

    He lifts with me most days, but due to our work schedules I sometimes go the gym alone.

    I don't even have regular sessions with my trainer, just evaluations and going through my routine together every now and then.
  • alexbusnello
    alexbusnello Posts: 1,010 Member
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    Dump him? I mean..really?? Amazing at how people think and react in today's society. Flush..next?

    I would just sit down with him and rekindle whatever insecurity or reason for that, has brought him to think that way...if it is clearly not true from your end. Just think if the roles were reversed and you felt that way...

    When two people love each other and feel strongly about it then isn't it worth discussing any issues that arise? It could be some jealousy because that person is a personal trainer so in a way, you should be flattered that he feels that way but reassure him right away about the commitment you both made...Am sure if he would go training and had a female personal trainer, put yourself in his shoes...Isn't that commitment worth saving?

    Go for it.....don't just dump him because he feels that way /boggle.

    ^
    THIS
  • AnexRavensong
    AnexRavensong Posts: 262 Member
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    From my POV; there's very few instances whereby a male and female can be good friends without there being some kind of interest beyond friendship from one party or the other. Being concerned/jealous could be an entirely rational reaction if you guys have argued or anything at all recently, though flat accusing you of cheating is a little extreme.

    Just this guy's perspective.

    I have to disagree.. almost all my life most my friends have been boys (a lot of that has to do with the fact that I quite like video games and other nerd things) and it surely never went more than friends. In fact it does the opposite and makes you "one of the guys" which is frustrating when you DO want to get passed that.

    Even now almost all my friends are guys. My husband makes faces and says that I am lucky that he knows that there is nothing behind it because most guys would get jealous. I even used to spend the nights at bandmate's houses when we were recording long projects and there was NEVER any funny business. We were friends and like siblings.
  • robin52077
    robin52077 Posts: 4,383 Member
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    Not saying this is the case, but something to think about:

    A lot of times when someone acts jealous or accuses cheating, they are deflecting, because they themselves have feelings toward someone else, or have cheated. The psychology behind it is "if she is too then I don't feel so bad".
  • sarahrbraun
    sarahrbraun Posts: 2,261 Member
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    As a trainer, I've had to have these talks a time or two.

    occupational hazard? :)
  • Swissmiss
    Swissmiss Posts: 8,754 Member
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    This is certainly not going to be the most popular reply....if you love him, then do all that you can to make him comfortable. If need be find a female trainer.
  • Freedom125
    Freedom125 Posts: 31 Member
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    Have you lost weight recently? I didn't check your profile, but I know three couples who have had serious issues because the woman lost weight and suddenly their husbands were insecure, because they noticed all of the male attention their wives were now getting.

    In that situation, counselling is probably a good idea. And it's something you want to be sure you get properly sorted out before the wedding. You want your time as newly weds to be as happy and peaceful as possible, so best to make sure that this stuff is cleared up and put away before you get married.

    If this is something that's really important to your fiance, you may need to make a choice between him and your trainer. Any man in their right mind would not try to ask you to make that decision, it's just one of those things that you do for the good of your relationship, even if it doesn't seem entirely fair at the time.

    Personally, I would immediately find a female trainer and tell fiance that I'm doing so. Reassure him that there's nothing going on between you and your male trainer, and you wanted to make sure he knows that you realize how uncomfortable he was with the situation and you've decided to fix it. I would also get into counselling, though, because there's a fine line between doing something you don't want to do out of respect for your relationship, and doing something you don't want to do because you feel forced into it.
  • LMick1986
    LMick1986 Posts: 431
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    Since you've started this fitness journey with your trainer, has your fiance started any workout program?
    If not, that can take a toll on a lot of relationships. It's scary when your significant other is making a big change in their life and you're not on that track with them.
    I've personally seen it happen to a few relationships and I'd suggest getting him involved in some way, shape, or form.
  • 2hobbit1
    2hobbit1 Posts: 820 Member
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    Sorry to hear. Would be great for both of you to sit down with a mediator/counsellor to ensure you're both communicating effectively and understanding one another's feelings and concerns (it will cause more problems longterm if you let this fester). Then you can make a plan to work on the issues underlying those feelings. There will always be things both you and he can do to solidify the relationship. Relationships take a lot of work. Imagine if we never took a car to a mechanic? It would break down pretty fast. So sounds like it's time for you guys to have a little tune up and oil change. :)

    ^^^^^This^^^^^

    Very early in a "life time" relationship for this to appear. It may be a sign of things to come - If you are committed then take the time before you take the plunge to really get to know the person you are planning on joining your self with for life. It may save you from a lot of heartache in the future.
  • Sam_Hain
    Sam_Hain Posts: 68 Member
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    My issue here is he ALREADY has trust issues. Unless you've given him any reason not to trust you this is pretty much uncalled for. No relationship can survive long without trust and this is a really poor start imo.
  • Swissmiss
    Swissmiss Posts: 8,754 Member
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    From my POV; there's very few instances whereby a male and female can be good friends without there being some kind of interest beyond friendship from one party or the other. Being concerned/jealous could be an entirely rational reaction if you guys have argued or anything at all recently, though flat accusing you of cheating is a little extreme.

    Just this guy's perspective.


    Sorry to say...but, this is right on.
  • nexangelus
    nexangelus Posts: 2,081 Member
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    He lifts with me most days, but due to our work schedules I sometimes go the gym alone.

    I don't even have regular sessions with my trainer, just evaluations and going through my routine together every now and then.

    I was going to say that love can sometimes be possessive. I think it is natural and if it does not become all encompassing then it is healthy. Does your fiance go on about it a lot, or was it an out of the blue comment? He obviously loves you and thinks you are gorgeous, so is maybe expressing this negatively through jealous comments rather than being supportive of you and doing what females would to express love. Men are funny creatures and some find it hard to straightforwardly express emotions. Not saying all of them do, just some.

    An accusation is a strong thing though, more than just base emotion, it is that and a response and reaction to a feeling, so I am still finding this one hard to fathom...
  • christabel6
    christabel6 Posts: 173 Member
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    It sounds like he is already insecure and trying to control your behaviour because of it, and this is a step up from what he's been like before. So from the point of view of what might happen after you marry, this does need to be nipped in the bud. It is no way to live your life. I know from experience it is horrible being on the receiving end of this when you've done nothing to deserve it. And yes, you are entitled to have male friendships, without the finger of suspicion pointing at you both just because you are working together and get along.

    Does he realise this is his problem, his mindset, or is he so focused on you and what you should be doing to make him feel better about himself that he thinks it's you that has to change?
  • morenita71
    morenita71 Posts: 137 Member
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    Sounds like he's insecure and he needs to resolve that not you so counselling for him on his own first might not be a bad idea. And then see whether you need to do it as a couple. Personally I find jealousy so unattractive. If someone doesn't think they're good enough for you, why should you? Although some compromise is inevitable it's a slippery slope - are you going to let him indirectly control what you wear etc...? Growing up I knew so many girls with jealous boyfriends controlling which friends they saw (and that was just the female ones! male friends were out of the question). If this were the other way round you'd be described as 'needy'. I say don't give in to it. You have nothing to apologise for. Good luck!
  • Bobby__Clerici
    Bobby__Clerici Posts: 741 Member
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    For whatever reason, he's feeling insecure. So he needs to be left to figure out why that is and try and sort it out himself - no one else can help him unfortunately. You can only do your best to support him and show him that you're in it for the long run.
    Well said.
    I totally can NOT relate to this guy's suspicion - especially if the accusation just came out of the blue.
    That psychology term comes to mind....PROJECTION! :frown:
  • Mutant13
    Mutant13 Posts: 2,485 Member
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    I always felt that men and women could have platonic relationships, I've always preferred male friends as a result of my interests.

    To those asking I haven't dropped a ton of weight as I was fairly slim to begin with, I've mostly built muscle. My partner has been working out regularly also. I've probably been a little more intense about it then he has.
  • Lconsla
    Lconsla Posts: 226 Member
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    From my POV; there's very few instances whereby a male and female can be good friends without there being some kind of interest beyond friendship from one party or the other. Being concerned/jealous could be an entirely rational reaction if you guys have argued or anything at all recently, though flat accusing you of cheating is a little extreme.

    Just this guy's perspective.


    Sorry to say...but, this is right on.


    That's bull.. I work with all guys, have for the past 9 years. I've made some good friends, they're like brothers to me. men shouldn't be so insecure. if she said "yes" she obviously meant it.

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