Fiancé accused me of cheating :/
Replies
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Since you've started this fitness journey with your trainer, has your fiance started any workout program?
If not, that can take a toll on a lot of relationships. It's scary when your significant other is making a big change in their life and you're not on that track with them.
I've personally seen it happen to a few relationships and I'd suggest getting him involved in some way, shape, or form.0 -
Sorry to hear. Would be great for both of you to sit down with a mediator/counsellor to ensure you're both communicating effectively and understanding one another's feelings and concerns (it will cause more problems longterm if you let this fester). Then you can make a plan to work on the issues underlying those feelings. There will always be things both you and he can do to solidify the relationship. Relationships take a lot of work. Imagine if we never took a car to a mechanic? It would break down pretty fast. So sounds like it's time for you guys to have a little tune up and oil change.
^^^^^This^^^^^
Very early in a "life time" relationship for this to appear. It may be a sign of things to come - If you are committed then take the time before you take the plunge to really get to know the person you are planning on joining your self with for life. It may save you from a lot of heartache in the future.0 -
My issue here is he ALREADY has trust issues. Unless you've given him any reason not to trust you this is pretty much uncalled for. No relationship can survive long without trust and this is a really poor start imo.0
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From my POV; there's very few instances whereby a male and female can be good friends without there being some kind of interest beyond friendship from one party or the other. Being concerned/jealous could be an entirely rational reaction if you guys have argued or anything at all recently, though flat accusing you of cheating is a little extreme.
Just this guy's perspective.
Sorry to say...but, this is right on.0 -
He lifts with me most days, but due to our work schedules I sometimes go the gym alone.
I don't even have regular sessions with my trainer, just evaluations and going through my routine together every now and then.
I was going to say that love can sometimes be possessive. I think it is natural and if it does not become all encompassing then it is healthy. Does your fiance go on about it a lot, or was it an out of the blue comment? He obviously loves you and thinks you are gorgeous, so is maybe expressing this negatively through jealous comments rather than being supportive of you and doing what females would to express love. Men are funny creatures and some find it hard to straightforwardly express emotions. Not saying all of them do, just some.
An accusation is a strong thing though, more than just base emotion, it is that and a response and reaction to a feeling, so I am still finding this one hard to fathom...0 -
It sounds like he is already insecure and trying to control your behaviour because of it, and this is a step up from what he's been like before. So from the point of view of what might happen after you marry, this does need to be nipped in the bud. It is no way to live your life. I know from experience it is horrible being on the receiving end of this when you've done nothing to deserve it. And yes, you are entitled to have male friendships, without the finger of suspicion pointing at you both just because you are working together and get along.
Does he realise this is his problem, his mindset, or is he so focused on you and what you should be doing to make him feel better about himself that he thinks it's you that has to change?0 -
Sounds like he's insecure and he needs to resolve that not you so counselling for him on his own first might not be a bad idea. And then see whether you need to do it as a couple. Personally I find jealousy so unattractive. If someone doesn't think they're good enough for you, why should you? Although some compromise is inevitable it's a slippery slope - are you going to let him indirectly control what you wear etc...? Growing up I knew so many girls with jealous boyfriends controlling which friends they saw (and that was just the female ones! male friends were out of the question). If this were the other way round you'd be described as 'needy'. I say don't give in to it. You have nothing to apologise for. Good luck!0
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Well said.For whatever reason, he's feeling insecure. So he needs to be left to figure out why that is and try and sort it out himself - no one else can help him unfortunately. You can only do your best to support him and show him that you're in it for the long run.
I totally can NOT relate to this guy's suspicion - especially if the accusation just came out of the blue.
That psychology term comes to mind....PROJECTION! :frown:0 -
I always felt that men and women could have platonic relationships, I've always preferred male friends as a result of my interests.
To those asking I haven't dropped a ton of weight as I was fairly slim to begin with, I've mostly built muscle. My partner has been working out regularly also. I've probably been a little more intense about it then he has.0 -
From my POV; there's very few instances whereby a male and female can be good friends without there being some kind of interest beyond friendship from one party or the other. Being concerned/jealous could be an entirely rational reaction if you guys have argued or anything at all recently, though flat accusing you of cheating is a little extreme.
Just this guy's perspective.
Sorry to say...but, this is right on.
That's bull.. I work with all guys, have for the past 9 years. I've made some good friends, they're like brothers to me. men shouldn't be so insecure. if she said "yes" she obviously meant it.0 -
Ninja sounds like a hater. I use to be a trainer and I got this A LOT. Got so bad, a 9mm glock was waiting for me outside the gym parking lot. 100% serious.
Anyway, drop the guy.0 -
I wish my experiences had taught me differently. Unfortunately, my experience is that my initial statement is correct. There have been a couple of friends broken up from long term relationships in the last year; one was engaged and had been with his partner for 8 years before she cheated on him with a mutual friend; who she was spending a lot of time with when they were having issues (him working too much, her being frustrated about paying a mortgage).
That's bull.. I work with all guys, have for the past 9 years. I've made some good friends, they're like brothers to me. men shouldn't be so insecure. if she said "yes" she obviously meant it.
Sorry to say...but, this is right on.From my POV; there's very few instances whereby a male and female can be good friends without there being some kind of interest beyond friendship from one party or the other. Being concerned/jealous could be an entirely rational reaction if you guys have argued or anything at all recently, though flat accusing you of cheating is a little extreme.
Just this guy's perspective.0 -
I totally believe communication is key to a happy relationship. If he has accused you of cheating with anyone it's his way of confiding in you his insecurities and what he is really wanting is some reassurance from you that you still want to be with him.
It may be that since you've been training you've been feeling better about yourself and gaining confidence through your own hard work, but your fiancé might have mistakenly attributed this to the amount of time you spend with your trainer (I.e. he thinks the relationship you've developed with your trainer is making you feel good - not your increased fitness).
I would suggest having a long honest discussion with your fiancé where you listen to his concerns and perhaps reassure him that you're working out with your trainer to improve your fitness and to boast your confidence.
Maybe you could suggest doing an activity with your fiancé like bike riding, hiking, kayaking, tennis, etc. So you can both enjoy working out together and the endorphins should make him feel better about himself and more confident too!
Remember though, trust and insecurities issues take time to resolve. If his controlling over what you wear or who you see makes you uncomfortable make sure you talk to him about it in a non-judgemental or angry way. Over time you'll see that he trusts you more, he won't feel so insecure by what you do, and your relationship will be a lot stronger for it.0 -
^^^^This! ^^^^ Here's why. As a person married almost 30 years to the same man, I can say compromise is crucial, but so is communication. Counseling will help you 2 to understand yourselves and each other. Also, I saw that you posted:Have you lost weight recently? I didn't check your profile, but I know three couples who have had serious issues because the woman lost weight and suddenly their husbands were insecure, because they noticed all of the male attention their wives were now getting.
In that situation, counselling is probably a good idea. And it's something you want to be sure you get properly sorted out before the wedding. You want your time as newly weds to be as happy and peaceful as possible, so best to make sure that this stuff is cleared up and put away before you get married.
If this is something that's really important to your fiance, you may need to make a choice between him and your trainer. Any man in their right mind would not try to ask you to make that decision, it's just one of those things that you do for the good of your relationship, even if it doesn't seem entirely fair at the time.
Personally, I would immediately find a female trainer and tell fiance that I'm doing so. Reassure him that there's nothing going on between you and your male trainer, and you wanted to make sure he knows that you realize how uncomfortable he was with the situation and you've decided to fix it. I would also get into counselling, though, because there's a fine line between doing something you don't want to do out of respect for your relationship, and doing something you don't want to do because you feel forced into it.
"I am considering counselling. He can be really insecure about other men/what I wear/me going out and it's starting to take its toll. This is the first time he has outright accused me of being unfaithful though"
What jumped out at me is that he is insecure about many of your behaviors, not just one. That's a lot of blind compromise, and can cross over into control.0 -
The fact that this isn't a one off sends alarm bells ringing. He has issues about you going out?? Until HE sorts out HIS issues with jealousy and insecurity this will just continue and escalate. He needs counselling. I wish you the best of luck.0
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But where do you stop? This doesn't appear to be a one off issue. Does she need to stop going out, stop speaking to men?0
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Gotta have trust.... :brokenheart:0
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But where do you stop? This doesn't appear to be a one off issue. Does she need to stop going out, stop speaking to men?
This is what is worrying/annoying me.0 -
I wish my experiences had taught me differently. Unfortunately, my experience is that my initial statement is correct. There have been a couple of friends broken up from long term relationships in the last year; one was engaged and had been with his partner for 8 years before she cheated on him with a mutual friend; who she was spending a lot of time with when they were having issues (him working too much, her being frustrated about paying a mortgage).
Sorry to say...but, this is right on.From my POV; there's very few instances whereby a male and female can be good friends without there being some kind of interest beyond friendship from one party or the other. Being concerned/jealous could be an entirely rational reaction if you guys have argued or anything at all recently, though flat accusing you of cheating is a little extreme.
Just this guy's perspective.
That's bull.. I work with all guys, have for the past 9 years. I've made some good friends, they're like brothers to me. men shouldn't be so insecure. if she said "yes" she obviously meant it.
Happens all the time. The tempation is too great. We are made to naturally think that way about a member of the other sex. This is natural. Ideally the feelings are developed with the proper person. And this is also why I don't develope friendships or spend too much time with a man other than my husband.0 -
Not saying this is the case, but something to think about:
A lot of times when someone acts jealous or accuses cheating, they are deflecting, because they themselves have feelings toward someone else, or have cheated. The psychology behind it is "if she is too then I don't feel so bad".
This is exactly what I was thinking.0 -
So, I am the kind of person who has a hard time trusting other people. My fiance and I are debating about whether we will get married right now because of it. He said that if I don't fully trust him he doesn't want to marry me. The only thing is, I have been hurt a lot before, so I have doubts. Not about him, just about anyone. Your fiance might have a similar past. Ask him to be honest about it.
Basically, He should not have proposed unless he trusted you. If he doesn't trust you then the committment you made to him will mean nothing to him. Also, DONT get married until you have full trust in each other, and be honest about it. Divorce is not fun.0 -
I wish my experiences had taught me differently. Unfortunately, my experience is that my initial statement is correct. There have been a couple of friends broken up from long term relationships in the last year; one was engaged and had been with his partner for 8 years before she cheated on him with a mutual friend; who she was spending a lot of time with when they were having issues (him working too much, her being frustrated about paying a mortgage).
Sorry to say...but, this is right on.From my POV; there's very few instances whereby a male and female can be good friends without there being some kind of interest beyond friendship from one party or the other. Being concerned/jealous could be an entirely rational reaction if you guys have argued or anything at all recently, though flat accusing you of cheating is a little extreme.
Just this guy's perspective.
That's bull.. I work with all guys, have for the past 9 years. I've made some good friends, they're like brothers to me. men shouldn't be so insecure. if she said "yes" she obviously meant it.
Happens all the time. The tempation is too great. We are made to naturally think that way about a member of the other sex. This is natural. Ideally the feelings are developed with the proper person.
What if you genuinely don't have chemistry with the person though?0 -
I wish my experiences had taught me differently. Unfortunately, my experience is that my initial statement is correct. There have been a couple of friends broken up from long term relationships in the last year; one was engaged and had been with his partner for 8 years before she cheated on him with a mutual friend; who she was spending a lot of time with when they were having issues (him working too much, her being frustrated about paying a mortgage).
Sorry to say...but, this is right on.From my POV; there's very few instances whereby a male and female can be good friends without there being some kind of interest beyond friendship from one party or the other. Being concerned/jealous could be an entirely rational reaction if you guys have argued or anything at all recently, though flat accusing you of cheating is a little extreme.
Just this guy's perspective.
That's bull.. I work with all guys, have for the past 9 years. I've made some good friends, they're like brothers to me. men shouldn't be so insecure. if she said "yes" she obviously meant it.
Happens all the time. The tempation is too great. We are made to naturally think that way about a member of the other sex. This is natural. Ideally the feelings are developed with the proper person.
I've had tons of male friends, and always thought about, and occasionally acted upon, sleeping with each of them. Never have I had a male friend I didn't at least wonder what it would be like.
But I'm a perv...not all women are the same.0 -
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I am considering counselling. He can be really insecure about other men/what I wear/me going out and it's starting to take its toll. This is the first time he has outright accused me of being unfaithful though
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Counselling sounds like the best solution at this stage, I had an obssesive boyfriend and the damage he did to my self esteem took me ages to sort out. Obsession starts out nice "he's possessive of me" but turns violent and restrictive pretty fast. You deserve to be loved by a secure/ supportive man. If the counselling doesn't work- walk away (fast!) good luck:flowerforyou:0 -
Not saying this is the case, but something to think about:
A lot of times when someone acts jealous or accuses cheating, they are deflecting, because they themselves have feelings toward someone else, or have cheated. The psychology behind it is "if she is too then I don't feel so bad".
This is exactly what I was thinking.
This may be true also, since he accused instead of asking if there was anything for him to worry about.0 -
And you have every reason to be annoyed and worried. This needs to be sorted asap - and its down to him. I have been here before. It doesn't change. It just gets worse.0
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Not saying this is the case, but something to think about:
A lot of times when someone acts jealous or accuses cheating, they are deflecting, because they themselves have feelings toward someone else, or have cheated. The psychology behind it is "if she is too then I don't feel so bad".
This is exactly what I was thinking.
I did consider this, but I honestly don't believe it is the case. I have been cheated on before.0 -
Sorry to hear. Would be great for both of you to sit down with a mediator/counsellor to ensure you're both communicating effectively and understanding one another's feelings and concerns (it will cause more problems longterm if you let this fester). Then you can make a plan to work on the issues underlying those feelings. There will always be things both you and he can do to solidify the relationship. Relationships take a lot of work. Imagine if we never took a car to a mechanic? It would break down pretty fast. So sounds like it's time for you guys to have a little tune up and oil change.
Good luck!
x
Obviously , you will do what is best for you, but it seems his true colors are coming out, he is very, very insecure.
I can sometimes see jealousy of another person, but when someone is upset about what u are wearing , unless you look like a streetwalker, then he has some issues.
These issues need to be resolved before you tie the knot. I hope they work out for you. If you love each other and want to make it work then you need counseling and he needs to know you love him.
I am considering counselling. He can be really insecure about other men/what I wear/me going out and it's starting to take its toll. This is the first time he has outright accused me of being unfaithful though0 -
Has your fiancé met your trainer? Maybe invite him to one of your sessions and then he can see for himself that you are just friends
I like this answer.
Has he ever been cheated on before by any other female? My brother has and he will never let it go. He thinks every woman is a cheater and if his wife (a total sweetheart and wonderful wife) isn't home he automatically starts to think she is out with another man. I have no idea why she puts up with it, she doesn't deserve it. My point is if this is a pattern I would get couples counseling or if he can't let it go, let him go.
I wonder if he is feeling insecure because you are working out and I am assuming lost weight. Some men can get a momentary sensitivity and wonder why you have to "try to look good all of a sudden". I am not framing that well, but I think you get my point.0 -
I always felt that men and women could have platonic relationships, I've always preferred male friends as a result of my interests.
To those asking I haven't dropped a ton of weight as I was fairly slim to begin with, I've mostly built muscle. My partner has been working out regularly also. I've probably been a little more intense about it then he has.
The issue is a difficult one and you and your fiance do need to talk this through together. My wife and I have never had marriage counseling so I'm not going to recommend it, but talking with each other is key. I can only speak from the man's perspective. I think you should look at two things (1) recent change in the relationship and (2) recent change in the amount of time you're spending with each other. Becoming engaged, getting married and having your first child are major relationship changes and we men can get a bit territorial during those times. Add to that, the fact that you prefer male friends and I can see how your fiance can get a bit jealous. I'm not saying he's right but I can understand the feelings. I guess the real question is really how jealous is he? A little is expected, accusing you of cheating is pretty serious, but was it said in anger or is he really serious? To be frank, my wife is similar - fit, loves activities that attract men, has always had male friends, and has definitely had some jacked trainers. I've had my moments. I'd suggest talking through it and showing him he has nothing to worry about. Tell him you got engaged to him for a reason, that you're committed to getting married and that you love him.
I'd also check and see if for some reason you're not spending as much time with each other, or whether something about the quality of that time has changed. Don't answer this here but has your sex life changed? If that has changed, he's going to be looking for a why.
In the end, maybe he is a jealous jerk and will never change. Or maybe he's just a guy being a guy and a little freaked out by a few things that can easily be worked out. There's also quite a range in between, but in the end, only you can tell.
Good luck!0
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