Fiancé accused me of cheating :/

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Replies

  • Mutant13
    Mutant13 Posts: 2,485 Member
    Even abusive husbands can be, "loving, sweet and treat you perfectly," most of the time.

    now the guy is being compared to "abusive"?

    are you people INSANE?

    you have not even heard this guy's side of the story and the "abusive" word is already out there?

    this is just madness
    Haven't you learned Dave? All men are abusive unless they forego all of their emotions to keep their partners happy.

    LOL! How true on the forums. Yea, we're guys. Some are real jerks. Others are just guys. Hard to tell on a thread which one this guy is. Seems its all or nothing with a few of these posters and many of them really need the senstive type.

    I do hope Mutant figures it out though before she gets married - that one deserves to be happy!

    Aww bro :D
  • Pixi_Rex
    Pixi_Rex Posts: 1,676 Member
    I didn't read all the posts so I appologize if these have been asked

    Do you talk about your trainer a lot? Have you cheated in the past that may have given him this reaction? Have they met each other? Have you talked to your fiance about WHY he feels this way? Not in a pushy way but in a general "you know it hurts that you would think that but why do you feel I would do that?" kind of way.

    Have you been blowing your man off to spend time in the gym with your trainer? does your trainer text/call you at night after you leave the gym?

    There are always 3 sides to every story, yours, his and the truth which is the combination of the 2. I think the best idea is to actually talk to your fiance.
  • ACepero79
    ACepero79 Posts: 711 Member
    Being insecure is one thing, but accusing is another. We all have insecurities. And discussing them is the first step in resolving them. However, he skipped that and went straight to accusing you of cheating with your trainer. Use this as a way to help him discuss his insecurities before laying accusations. Make him comfortable with talking to you.
  • HyacintheAlcuin
    HyacintheAlcuin Posts: 52


    If this is something that's really important to your fiance, you may need to make a choice between him and your trainer. Any man in their right mind would not try to ask you to make that decision, it's just one of those things that you do for the good of your relationship, even if it doesn't seem entirely fair at the time.

    Personally, I would immediately find a female trainer and tell fiance that I'm doing so. Reassure him that there's nothing going on between you and your male trainer, and you wanted to make sure he knows that you realize how uncomfortable he was with the situation and you've decided to fix it. I would also get into counselling, though, because there's a fine line between doing something you don't want to do out of respect for your relationship, and doing something you don't want to do because you feel forced into it.
    I don't know about that... i don't think it's fair that she has to give up a trainer who she works well with because her fiancee is having insecurity struggles due to her weightloss or whatever the reason my be. Its seems as if HE needs to do some compromising and evaluation to realize she said yes to him not to her trainer and so his accusations are stupid/immature/unfounded/ect. especially if the trainer has his own partner.
  • Mutant13
    Mutant13 Posts: 2,485 Member
    I didn't read all the posts so I appologize if these have been asked

    Do you talk about your trainer a lot? Have you cheated in the past that may have given him this reaction? Have they met each other? Have you talked to your fiance about WHY he feels this way? Not in a pushy way but in a general "you know it hurts that you would think that but why do you feel I would do that?" kind of way.

    Have you been blowing your man off to spend time in the gym with your trainer? does your trainer text/call you at night after you leave the gym?

    There are always 3 sides to every story, yours, his and the truth which is the combination of the 2. I think the best idea is to actually talk to your fiance.

    I talk to my trainer if he is working for up to ten minutes if I'm not in a hurry and he isn't busy, sometimes he will come and chat to me between sets.
    I've never cheated on my partner
    We've tried to talk about it but I think we are both very angry right now so it hasn't really gotten us far
    I try to go to the gym as much as possible as I've really gotten into lifting, but if he isn't working he comes with me, If he is working I go after he has gone to work so I don't forsake time with him really
  • jujulamb
    jujulamb Posts: 195
    I have not read all the responses to this thread but let me just say, the accuser is usually the one doing the dirt! My ex accused me of cheating all the time. Come to find out he was cheating with my bff at the time. He knew how easy it was for him to cheat so it must be that easy for me.
  • Pedal_Pusher
    Pedal_Pusher Posts: 1,166 Member
    did Dani already say "Just break up"? If not, just break up.
  • katiedid1226
    katiedid1226 Posts: 231 Member
    Sorry to hear. Would be great for both of you to sit down with a mediator/counsellor to ensure you're both communicating effectively and understanding one another's feelings and concerns (it will cause more problems longterm if you let this fester). Then you can make a plan to work on the issues underlying those feelings. There will always be things both you and he can do to solidify the relationship. Relationships take a lot of work. Imagine if we never took a car to a mechanic? It would break down pretty fast. So sounds like it's time for you guys to have a little tune up and oil change. :)

    Good luck!

    x

    I am considering counselling. He can be really insecure about other men/what I wear/me going out and it's starting to take its toll. This is the first time he has outright accused me of being unfaithful though

    Counselling is definitely the most sensible idea. "DUMP HIM" is just a hasty, immature response.. these issues CAN be resolved

    I married one of these. 25 years later, same problem - his insecurities have compounded & he won't work on them - could be a game-changer for me. I definitely say counseling first, and end it if that doesn't work.
  • Lozze
    Lozze Posts: 1,917 Member
    QUOTE:

    Even abusive husbands can be, "loving, sweet and treat you perfectly," most of the time.


    now the guy is being compared to "abusive"?

    are you people INSANE?

    you have not even heard this guy's side of the story and the "abusive" word is already out there?

    this is just madness

    Really not. A guy who is telling his fiancée what to wear, doesn't like them going out and thinks they're cheating on them because they're spending time with a man that's not them is showing ALL the warning signs.

    OP counseling is definitely something that needs to happen. I also strongly disagree with giving up your trainer. First it's you giving up your trainer, then it's wearing clothes that are to his standards, then the female friends start to be winnowed out. A lot of the times the guys themselves don't even realize when they're starting down that track but this is starting down that track. You need to nip it in the bud now and see if its worth saving.
  • katiedid1226
    katiedid1226 Posts: 231 Member
    QUOTE:

    OP counseling is definitely something that needs to happen. I also strongly disagree with giving up your trainer. First it's you giving up your trainer, then it's wearing clothes that are to his standards, then the female friends start to be winnowed out. A lot of the times the guys themselves don't even realize when they're starting down that track but this is starting down that track. You need to nip it in the bud now and see if its worth saving.

    Agree with you - I'm sure mine isn't doing it intentionally - it's just kinda natural. But yes, nip it in the bud.
  • ebrown30
    ebrown30 Posts: 31 Member
    Are you sure he is not cheating on you. I heard some where that if they are accusing then they could be cheating.
  • needles85365
    needles85365 Posts: 491 Member
    He can be really insecure about other men/what I wear/me going out and it's starting to take its toll. This is the first time he has outright accused me of being unfaithful though
    [/quote]

    I would say this is a little more than being threatened by your trainer. Think long and hard about your relationship, get counseling. These relationship sometimes (not always) end up with you getting physically hurt.
  • sunsnstatheart
    sunsnstatheart Posts: 2,544 Member
    I didn't read all the posts so I appologize if these have been asked

    Do you talk about your trainer a lot? Have you cheated in the past that may have given him this reaction? Have they met each other? Have you talked to your fiance about WHY he feels this way? Not in a pushy way but in a general "you know it hurts that you would think that but why do you feel I would do that?" kind of way.

    Have you been blowing your man off to spend time in the gym with your trainer? does your trainer text/call you at night after you leave the gym?

    There are always 3 sides to every story, yours, his and the truth which is the combination of the 2. I think the best idea is to actually talk to your fiance.

    I talk to my trainer if he is working for up to ten minutes if I'm not in a hurry and he isn't busy, sometimes he will come and chat to me between sets.
    I've never cheated on my partner
    We've tried to talk about it but I think we are both very angry right now so it hasn't really gotten us far
    I try to go to the gym as much as possible as I've really gotten into lifting, but if he isn't working he comes with me, If he is working I go after he has gone to work so I don't forsake time with him really

    Give it time to simmer down a bit then talk to your fiance. The fact that he's starting to control what you wear does bother me. I've certainly made comments along those lines (years ago) to my wife but it could also be the start of a problem. On the other hand, how is your trainer acting around your fiance? There is a certain type of guy that loves being a trainer, coach, etc. because they like being around women and tend to get cocky around women's husbands and boyfriends. Watch the interaction between your fiance and trainer and look out for this. Its a warning sign on the trainer's side that maybe you should find another one.

    None of us really know what's going on there and if you did then you wouldn't be asking. Sit down and think about everything then talk to your fiance and try to work it out. You got engaged to him for a reason, but the engagement period is also a reflection period to make sure this is really going to work.

    :-)
  • Mutant13
    Mutant13 Posts: 2,485 Member
    My trainer treats my fiancé pretty normally. He's friendly enough to him etc. F has been fairly standoffish toward him though so he kind if keeps his distance. I can't recall trainer ever saying inappropriate to him, so if something has happened there I didn't witness it and it has been mentioned :/
  • Jerrypeoples
    Jerrypeoples Posts: 1,541 Member
    maybe he has been cheated on in the past and the same warning signs he ignored then are being seen now. thats not to say you are cheating, but the same situations are popping up.
  • vanguardfitness
    vanguardfitness Posts: 720 Member
    Dump him.

    An accusation is serious and clearly shows that he does not trust you.
    Once that line is crossed, it is impossible to go back.

    A little overboard IMO. One of the reasons why marriage sucks in this country. Too many people with the mentality of dropping a relationship on a dime when things become "unhappy".

    The best thing is to talk and communicate. If you don't communicate properly whatever tension that exists in the relationship will just get worse.
  • Maidofmer
    Maidofmer Posts: 908 Member
    im sorry that's happened to you, but usually when someone accuses someone of cheating, the accuser is usually the one with something to hide, especially if this is sudden and out of typical behavior. only way I see it being resolved is a lie detector from each side. You so you can prove that you wouldn't hurt him, him because he accused you.

    whatever happens, I hope you are ok
  • JoshuaL86
    JoshuaL86 Posts: 403 Member
    Dump him.

    An accusation is serious and clearly shows that he does not trust you.
    Once that line is crossed, it is impossible to go back.

    Obviously, this person should never be any kind of marriage/relationship counselor. Insecurities can be a big part of a relationship, and unless those insecurities get out of hand (abuse, controlling attitude, etc), a measure this drastic should not be taken.
  • secretlobster
    secretlobster Posts: 3,566 Member
    Obviously, your fiancé is cheating on you with your trainer.
  • tkjuggler
    tkjuggler Posts: 11 Member
    If you really love him, do not see and/or work with your trainer anymore.
    It is not nice if you are ever in his shoes...

    It is not worth it when you make your intimate other upset...

    There is only one fiance...but thousands of good trainers around...
  • JoshuaL86
    JoshuaL86 Posts: 403 Member
    If you really love him, do not see and/or work with your trainer anymore.
    It is not nice if you are ever in his shoes...

    It is not worth it when you make your intimate other upset...

    There is only one fiance...but thousands of good trainers around...

    Being married myself, I would never work with a female personal trainer. I would never cheat on my wife, but I'm not dumb enough to put myself in a situation where I could, thinking I'm strong enough not to. I would always opt for a male trainer.
  • BrieLP
    BrieLP Posts: 300 Member
    Ok. Hi all.

    I normally don't post things that are this serious or personal but I don't really have anywhere else to bounce this around.

    My partner accused me of cheating on him. With my trainer.

    My trainer and I are friends and nothing more. We don't see each other outside of the gym and he is also (happily!) coupled. We share quite a few non fitness related hobbies and will often spend some time chatting about them in the gym.

    Part of me wants to feel bad for my fiancé because if he honestly thinks I've cheated he must be hurting a lot.

    But mostly I'm just really insulted and very angry that he doesn't believe that I respect the commitment I made by saying 'Yes' when he proposed.

    Has anyone else had a similar experience/ can give a girl some advice?


    Part of me wants to say, "It's his insecurities and he needs reassurance."
    the other part says, "what's next, will he control what you wear, who you can see, etc"

    Yes, I know, I watch to much TV and read to many books lol
  • sreed016
    sreed016 Posts: 97 Member
    Don't dump him - you obviously have a connection since you are engaged.

    He is probably just feeling insecure since you are working out, taking care of yourself, looking and feeling good.

    I am not sure what the answer is - maybe counseling or maybe have him meet your trainer so he feels more comfortable about it.

    Good luck!
  • barbaramitchell101
    barbaramitchell101 Posts: 360 Member
    Not saying this is the case, but something to think about:

    A lot of times when someone acts jealous or accuses cheating, they are deflecting, because they themselves have feelings toward someone else, or have cheated. The psychology behind it is "if she is too then I don't feel so bad".

    this happened to me.....when I was married all 3 times...they ALL CHEATED and were controlling as for you...and before things ended they ALL were abusive...so be careful...I does not get better....
  • nack_23
    nack_23 Posts: 154
    For whatever reason, he's feeling insecure. Does he go to the gym with you?
  • sunsnstatheart
    sunsnstatheart Posts: 2,544 Member
    My trainer treats my fiancé pretty normally. He's friendly enough to him etc. F has been fairly standoffish toward him though so he kind if keeps his distance. I can't recall trainer ever saying inappropriate to him, so if something has happened there I didn't witness it and it has been mentioned :/

    Okay, I have nothing else. A recent poster mentioned he may have been cheated on before and that could be the case, I guess, but it wasn't you so that shouldn't be held against you. Sit down and talk to him and see what's going on (when you're both calm) but he may just be acting like a jerk. It happens.
  • lydia_the_tattooed_lady
    lydia_the_tattooed_lady Posts: 324 Member
    just break up
  • Dave198lbs
    Dave198lbs Posts: 8,810 Member
    . I heard some where that if they are accusing then they could be cheating.

    Well, that's it folks. It's a wrap.

    Someone heard some where that if they accuse then they are cheaters. MUST BE TRUE if you head it "some where".

    SHOOT THE *kitten*!
  • sally_jeffswife
    sally_jeffswife Posts: 766 Member
    My husband when we first got married had to call me all the time for any little thing cuz his ex had cheated on him so many times before that it was difficult for him worrying if I went places out and about on my own. But he knows he can trust me now and I would say to just make it a point to call him when you're out like every half hr or so just for his peace of mind and maybe he will come around. Or try to convince him to come work out with you. Then he may realize he is being wrong in accusing you and will be more supportive of what you are doing fitness wise also.
  • Glovesave3373
    Glovesave3373 Posts: 92 Member
    Counseling at a minimum,.

    Sounds like you are level headed enough to not let it lead to a very controlled relationship where his insecurities lead to you losing freedom to have your own life.....which is unacceptable.

    Unfortunately , some who accuse are doing so out of their own guilt...counseling is definitely needed to get to the bottom of it now, and also define what you both agree to as acceptable friendships outside the marriage etc, once you take that step.

    Make sure you are on the same page...

    I agree... in my 39 years and many releationships I've found it hard to have female friends and when the person I was with started accusing me of doing wrong I've either found out or later found out they themselves were guilty of something they were projecting onto me and accusing me of wrong doing was easier than face their guilt. I'm not saying they all cheated, but maybe they were guilty of something else like spending (one instance) when we didn't have the funds. Maybe the pressure of the wedding is mounting and financially a heavy burden... I don't know, but I agree you should talk it out or seek counseling before you take that HUGE step of Marriage. I never wanted to get divorced... and now... finally I've found the women of my dreams after 3 tries... be honest to yourself and him and it will work out. That was a little fitness play on words.

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