When do you let your FWB go?

justkeepswimng
justkeepswimng Posts: 506
in Chit-Chat
So, I have this guy who I occasionally sleep with. He is a great friend and an equally good lover.

Here is my dilemma. I am seeing this other guy. I have only been on 2 dates with him but I really like him. We haven't defined the relationship and I have no idea what his expectations are for us, but I can see the possibility of this becoming a real relationship. I don't want to bring up the "define this relationship" topic yet.

Now, as for my FWB, I went out with friends to a bar last night and he was there. He left early and left his hat. He texted me and asked me to grab his hat, saying that he will come to my house and pick it up tonight. I know what is going to inevitably happen if he comes over tonight.

My problem is, I don't know if sleeping with my FWB at this point in the relationship could be constituted as betrayal if the relationship does happen to go somewhere with the guy I'm dating.

Sleeping with my FWB has never crossed over into my dating another guy before.

What are your thoughts on this?
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Replies

  • tigerblood78
    tigerblood78 Posts: 416 Member
    always keep your options open
  • justkeepswimng
    justkeepswimng Posts: 506
    I don't think I should ALWAYS keep my options open. I enjoy being completely committed to a relationship. I just don't know where the line is between dating and being in a relationship.
  • LittleMissNerdy
    LittleMissNerdy Posts: 792 Member
    It's been two dates but how long have you been talking to/seeing the new guy? I
  • rybo
    rybo Posts: 5,424 Member
    Have your fun tonight, afterwards let him know you've been on a couple dates that might lead somewhere. He should understand if you don't want the benefits part coming up.

    As far as feeling guilty about having a FWB while dating the new guy, that's an individual decision. I wouldn't worry about it until you've made yourselves clearly exclusive.
  • fcp1234
    fcp1234 Posts: 1,098 Member
    2 dates is still too early to drop everybody else..
  • justkeepswimng
    justkeepswimng Posts: 506
    We met at the dog park and then he found me on an online dating site that we are both on. He recognized me from the dog park and we started talking online. We have been talking for a few weeks. We went on both dates this week.
  • fcp1234
    fcp1234 Posts: 1,098 Member
    We met at the dog park and then he found me on an online dating site that we are both on. He recognized me from the dog park and we started talking online. We have been talking for a few weeks. We went on both dates this week.

    way too early to drop the FWB
  • ptjolsen
    ptjolsen Posts: 365 Member
    YEP ^^^
  • KathrynCatlady
    KathrynCatlady Posts: 86 Member
    I would let it rest. Have your fun tonight, and then if and when you know this other guy's intentions are for a committed relationship, you can have that talk with your FWB. But until then, keep having fun. For all you know, dog park guy is in the same boat as you.
  • darisey
    darisey Posts: 228 Member
    Have your fun tonight, afterwards let him know you've been on a couple dates that might lead somewhere. He should understand if you don't want the benefits part coming up.

    As far as feeling guilty about having a FWB while dating the new guy, that's an individual decision. I wouldn't worry about it until you've made yourselves clearly exclusive.

    ^^^ :)
  • Unique_Beauty82
    Unique_Beauty82 Posts: 10
    Second that...
  • djeffreys10
    djeffreys10 Posts: 2,312 Member
    It is a personal thing. If I go out with someone, and I think there is potential, I just feel weird sleeping with someone else. So I would then have to explain to the FWB that I need to take a break from the benefits while I see where things go with the person I am seeing.

    But I am a serial monogamist. I rarely even date more than one person at a time. YMMV
  • TheCaren
    TheCaren Posts: 894 Member
    My mother always said, "when in doubt, leave it out."

    I say tell the FWB you've got a "maybe" on the hook and until you figure out if he's a keeper you're gonna hold off on appreciating the "benefit" portion of your friendship. If he's really your friend and not just your occasional hookup, he'll get it and not give you cr@p about your decision.
  • odusgolp
    odusgolp Posts: 10,477 Member
    Two dates. Definitely get some sex tonight. Or, send him my way.
  • justkeepswimng
    justkeepswimng Posts: 506
    Thanks. You guys are really helpful.
  • Julzanne72
    Julzanne72 Posts: 468 Member
    So, I have this guy who I occasionally sleep with. He is a great friend and an equally good lover.

    Here is my dilemma. I am seeing this other guy. I have only been on 2 dates with him but I really like him. We haven't defined the relationship and I have no idea what his expectations are for us, but I can see the possibility of this becoming a real relationship. I don't want to bring up the "define this relationship" topic yet.

    Now, as for my FWB, I went out with friends to a bar last night and he was there. He left early and left his hat. He texted me and asked me to grab his hat, saying that he will come to my house and pick it up tonight. I know what is going to inevitably happen if he comes over tonight.

    My problem is, I don't know if sleeping with my FWB at this point in the relationship could be constituted as betrayal if the relationship does happen to go somewhere with the guy I'm dating.

    Sleeping with my FWB has never crossed over into my dating another guy before.

    What are your thoughts on this?

    I guess you have the ability to not have the "inevitible" happen too.....you do have the option of using self control.
  • blink1021
    blink1021 Posts: 1,115 Member
    Until you define your relationship with the other guy its not a betrayal. For all you know he may have a FWB also. Have fun tonight.
  • Summer_Lunatic
    Summer_Lunatic Posts: 543 Member
    I agree with FCP. What if the new guy has a deal breaker you don't know about yet? I don't think the FWB is waiting around for you to decide HE'S the one so he'll obviously still be there while you figure stuff out
  • PlainOldElizaJane
    PlainOldElizaJane Posts: 37
    I honestly kept mine until I was sure things were going to go places with the man who is now my husband. My FWB has been through thick and thin with me, and he is still a good friend of mine, to this day. We had a FWB kinda thing for close to 4 years, through several relationships and it didn't stop until I was sure I had found the one. But I couldn't just kick him out of my life, so we're still good friends. Talk pretty much every day.

    My husband knows that the past is in the past, and that he is a dear friend of mine and it doesn't bother him. I'm pretty positive the friendship we have isn't typical of an ex FWB, but it works for us. So I guess you can say I didn't "let him go," we just transitioned into strictly friendship.
  • penrbrown
    penrbrown Posts: 2,685 Member
    It is a personal thing. If I go out with someone, and I think there is potential, I just feel weird sleeping with someone else. So I would then have to explain to the FWB that I need to take a break from the benefits while I see where things go with the person I am seeing.

    But I am a serial monogamist. I rarely even date more than one person at a time. YMMV

    Yeah. That would be me too. I can't imagine being in a budding relationship but sleeping with someone else. I mean, I just can't even imagine it. I would feel terrible.

    But that's me. You gotta figure out what works for you.
  • justkeepswimng
    justkeepswimng Posts: 506
    So, I have this guy who I occasionally sleep with. He is a great friend and an equally good lover.

    Here is my dilemma. I am seeing this other guy. I have only been on 2 dates with him but I really like him. We haven't defined the relationship and I have no idea what his expectations are for us, but I can see the possibility of this becoming a real relationship. I don't want to bring up the "define this relationship" topic yet.

    Now, as for my FWB, I went out with friends to a bar last night and he was there. He left early and left his hat. He texted me and asked me to grab his hat, saying that he will come to my house and pick it up tonight. I know what is going to inevitably happen if he comes over tonight.

    My problem is, I don't know if sleeping with my FWB at this point in the relationship could be constituted as betrayal if the relationship does happen to go somewhere with the guy I'm dating.

    Sleeping with my FWB has never crossed over into my dating another guy before.

    What are your thoughts on this?

    I guess you have the ability to not have the "inevitible" happen too.....you do have the option of using self control.

    I was just saying that it is inevitably going to come up. Of course I have a choice, which is why I posted on here to find out whether I should feel bad about saying yes.
  • GypsyPirate
    GypsyPirate Posts: 42 Member
    If you're questioning what to do with your FWB, you already know it would be "wrong" to do anything with him for right now. If he is a friend, you should be able to talk straight to him about it...and call him up if the other thing doesn't work out.
  • Julzanne72
    Julzanne72 Posts: 468 Member
    And if you truly see this other guy as someone with potentional, why risk it no becoming something for sex with someone you have no interest in pursuing a relationship with???
  • FitBeto
    FitBeto Posts: 2,121 Member
    Take this tip (it applies to women too!):
    Every man should have a woman that can cook
    Every man should have a woman that can give great sex
    Every man should have a woman that can make him laugh
    Every man should have a woman that he can share his heart with
    Every man should have a woman that can clean
    And in no way should these women ever meet.

    There is no reason the guys should know about each other - until you are ready to give one up.
  • darkguardian419
    darkguardian419 Posts: 1,302 Member
    When I was single, if I went on a date with someone, the FWB would be put on hold. If we set up a second date it would stay on hold, but if nothing was said, the FWB would be back on until something came up (second date, a different date)
  • DrMAvDPhD
    DrMAvDPhD Posts: 2,097 Member
    If he's just a FWB you should be able to turn him down without hurt feelings at any time. If either of you are having a hard time with that, someone is more involved than they are letting on.
  • HotDolphinMama
    HotDolphinMama Posts: 82 Member
    I think this is one of those individual choices things.
    If you feel like you are "cheating" or worried about what the new guy will think/feel about the FWB relationship, than I would say tell your FWB and just take a little break. He was your friend (I assume) before the benefits came up so He should be cool about it. The fact that you are asking leads me to believe that you should err on the side of caution.
    If the relationship with new guy works out, good. You can feel free and clear. And if it doesn't - well, call mr FWB the next day and invite over for a hookup.
    Be casual with Mr. FWB tonight - yeah, it could lead you-know-where but you could also just offer a drink and fill him in on the break thing. :tongue:
  • angelams1019
    angelams1019 Posts: 1,102 Member
    You guys have been on two dates. You're not IN a relationship yet. You're free to do what you want just as he is. I had to let my FWB go when I knew I was going most likely start sleeping with the new guy.

    In the beginning I'd go on a date with the new guy and then meet the FWB after! hahahahaha
  • fuzzieme
    fuzzieme Posts: 454 Member
    I think that you should hold off tonight, because you asking the question suggests you are developing some strong feelings. By abstaining tonight, you might learn more about your feelings. For example; if you miss your friend tonight and are thinking about the fun you missed, then you'll know you might as well boogie, but if instead you are thinking about your potential boyfriend, you'll know he's what you truly want. A social experiment on yourself ;)
  • CallMeCupcakeDammit
    CallMeCupcakeDammit Posts: 9,377 Member
    Have your fun tonight, afterwards let him know you've been on a couple dates that might lead somewhere. He should understand if you don't want the benefits part coming up.

    As far as feeling guilty about having a FWB while dating the new guy, that's an individual decision. I wouldn't worry about it until you've made yourselves clearly exclusive.

    I'm with this guy. I always stop sleeping with one before I start sleeping with the other, but I wait until I know it's going in that direction before I cut off the first guy.

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