If the Groom doesn't/didn't want a wedding
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A client of mine is upset that her fiancee only wants to have a civil ceremony and no wedding.
My problem would not be the amount of people. It would have more to do with wanting a church wedding. Is that the issue with her, or is it that she wants lots of people, dinner, dancing, and everything?
Oh....and for me that would be a deal breaker.0 -
I'm not officially wedding planning quite yet as I still have a year left to get my bachelor's degree and I'd rather wait, but it's been discussed in depth.
I do not want a wedding. I don't want to plan it, I don't want to spend the money, I don't want the dress. I get very anxious very easily and would rather avoid it. However, now my man is telling me that he actually does want a wedding since he is the oldest and comes from a very traditional Italian family. We could still do it how I want., instead of the traditional large Catholic wedding. Sooo the compromise is small. Family. My best friend is my maid of honor and his bf is his best man. I can live with that. I'll tailor my aunts dress because she wants me to have it and it's beautiful. My family wants to help decorate and all that. Easy peasy. I can handle this much.
So kind of the opposite of the groom not wanting, but I really think if you aren't willing to meet halfway then maybe you aren't ready to get married?0 -
My husband and I both wanted to elope but the parents got wind of it and begged us to have a wedding so we did. I would have been fine with the elopement/honeymoon but we decided to make the family happy and I don't regret it.
In this case where they have different ideas of what they want compromise is paramount. I don't think she's a whack job for wanting a big wedding, a lot of girls do. I do wedding cakes as a hobby and there are some women who think and plan long before prince charming comes along. Have you seen the wedding boards on Pinterest?! It's not uncommon. If they're going to have a successful marriage they need to learn to meet in the middle and if this is a big issue that they can't work through then the other big issues that come up (and they will!) will be that much harder. They have to find a middle ground that they can both live with or there could be resentment and bitterness down the line.0 -
If they can't compromise and come to an agreement on this they won't be able to do it on the more important things. Women dream of there wedding day from the time they are little girls and she should not have to miss it. At the same time if he would agree to a small intimate wedding she should count her blessing that she will get one. Otherwise I say they may as well call it quits cause they aren't going to make it anyway.0
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Thats not an easy question. I mean a wedding is just the ceremony...the marriage is what matters.
It could be that she "thinks" that he won't compromise on something she feels strongly about and thus where else down the road will this be a problem.
But if she loves this man and wants to be with him, there is a compromise there. The question is does she want the man, or the ceremony?0 -
I think many people feel there are just 2 ways to get married, in a church or at the court house.
This isn't true though! You can have someone who's Ordained (depending on your state) marry you as well. I actually just married friends of mine in a hotel room in front of 20 people :laugh: So, maybe that's an option? Have a wedding that's still on the small side (maybe 30 people?) but have it somewhere nice. Maybe outdoors? Maybe at a bed and breakfast?
There are many options out there.0 -
I can see why she is upset...
I didn't want a big wedding. I wanted to take the money and run lol. BUT my husband is the oldest and first to get married on his side so he really wanted to have some sort of wedding cuz he knew how excited his mother was.. My parents didn't care either way, they just wanted us to do what ever we wanted (mother in law did not pressure us either, but we know she had been looking forward to seeing her baby get married for some time).
We cut our wedding down a lot. It was 80 of our family and friends, partying til midnight. It was awesome.
This couple needs to learn compromise. Wanting a wedding doesn't mean that the person just wants to be part of some spectacle....but also may just want to share their special day with others. Not sure why many view this as such a bad thing.
Time for the two to sit down and talk again about this....0 -
I think they should compromise. It sounds like his only reason for not having a wedding is because he thinks their vows should just be between them. If I were in her shoes, I would be willing to have a civil ceremony, but I would want to compromise by still having a reception with family and friends. Maybe it's important to her to have her friends and family around on one of the biggest days of her life. It doesn't have to be huge and extravagant but that way she can still enjoy "traditional" wedding things like a dress and cake. Now, if religious ceremonies are part of her reasoning, that's a different story, and definitely should have been addressed before getting engaged.0
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I think all men usually roll with it after marriage. Lol, what other choice do we have?:laugh:The man usually just rolls with it.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness industry for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition0 -
totally... the only people who are getting married matter but I would be weary if they can't even agree upon that - maybe they shouldn't be getting married in the first place.0
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Would you marry/had married him? A client of mine is upset that her fiancee only wants to have a civil ceremony and no wedding. It's not a money issue, they both make more than enough to have a huge wedding if they want. My understanding is that the fiancee feels that only they (along with their parents as witnesses) need to be present to for their vows. No need for a spectacle which is how he feels about weddings. He's willing to have a great honeymoon though (which is a 1 month European trip).
She has said that if he feels this way now and won't compromise, that he may not be the one to marry. Thoughts?
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness industry for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
Phew.
This.is.what's.wrong.with.women.and.weddings.
It becomes about the spectacle and not the actual 'institution'.
I'd find her finacee and tell him to run.
wow. way to make yourself sound like a sexist prick. bravo on that one.
not all women want the spectacle. not all men are against it. it's individual choice and what's considered "normal" to your family.
I don't want the spectacle, that makes me no less a woman. a friend of mine was w/ a guy who couldn't see NOT having the spectacle and it lead to a break up, made him no less a man. it's not a problem of the sexes, it's a problem of individuals.
OP: if she's willing to call it off over this, then she doesn't want to marry him. and the same goes the other way. if they "can't find" a middle ground on THIS? then it's not about the day, it's about the marriage. and neither of them want it.
Hahahaha, I'm female btw.
And the reason I said it the way I did, is because the irony in her saying that 'he' won't compromise with her vision.....well what about her compromising with his?
So it most definitely comes across as for her it's about the spectacle and not the institution.0 -
I'm thinking his career has a lot to do with his mindset. He's probably seen several examples where the wedding event took priority over the actual marriage and how that's usually a set-up for problems further down the road.
I say this because I had some thought on a medium sized wedding until I was involved with the weddings of 4 different couples in my early 20's and then I was ALL about the small ceremony. I wanted to include my parents and maybe some close relatives and friends but that was it. No 50-100 guests each, no big frilly dresses, no major amounts of money flying out the door. (Which thankfully my Hubs agreed with and that's how we had our "big" day)
I think your friend and her fiance need to keep talking and try to come up with a compromise. It's not fair to her that he be so inflexible on this. It's about both of them and should be a blend of their preferences. And if they can't, then I'm thinking I might agree with her. If they can't agree on how their wedding ceremony's going to go, how are they going to agree on other things in life? I'd also suggest that they start talking about other big life decisions before they get married - kids, careers, etc. I'm actually kind of shocked they didn't talk about wedding plans before they got engaged...0 -
I like how her definition of compromise is that she gets what she wants.
I live in one of the few actual common law states, we don't even need to have a civil ceremony. Legally, we can already claim we are married. In practice, we will file the paperwork eventually because it freaks bureaucrats out when you don't have paperwork.0 -
The dress LOL I loved my dress but I Do love my hubby more LOL. Maybe suggest She have a ceremony he wants in the dress she wants and a reception?
Not quite the same but the friends could celebrate at the reception... Just a thought.
Then she would have her keepsake dress. The dress is my Daughters Fav thing to look at and shes ONly 9 LOL0 -
If they can't come to a compromise about this, then they shouldn't get married, in my humble opinion.
Personally I hate the 'spectacle' that weddings and receptions have become. I think there are too many women out there who only want to get married for the princess dress and the me me me party, but aren't willing to put an equivalent amount of effort into the marriage itself.0 -
Personally I wouldn't mind the family only ceramony at the Justice of the Peace (or whatever). However, I would want a reception for us, family and friends to celebrate our new lives together.
My first wedding: big, frilly expensive / Second wedding: Pot luck at cabin on a lake Both were fine. If I had to do it over (which I won't, I'd elope)0 -
. Of course I would have stil married my husband if not having a ceremony was that important to him. But ya, a compromise would probably be best.0
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I have been married twice and never had a wedding. :sad: BUT we (my current hubby and I) agreed on this and always expected to have a wedding at our five year, then our 10... maybe the wedding will happen next year at 15....
yes we got married but I have alwasy hated that we never had our wedding. Our families were present for the vows but, I still feel like I never got "my day"... don't love him any less, still have the dress (oh yes, our plans to have the WEDDING were very much intended), but I really have given up hope I will ever wear it... first of all it is now so not what I would wear anymore LOL
Just because he feels that way doesn't mean he's not the one... she should explain how much it means to her to the fiance', if he is unwilling to compromise then THOSE are the long term things that should be concerning her, not a "show" he doesn't feel is necessary. He just sounds to me like a frugal guy who spends money wisely and views a big wedding as a waste. I know a lot of women who feel that way too...0 -
You had me at 'one month european trip'
Screw the wedding! 0 -
My husband wanted more of a wedding than me. I was cool with the honeymoon. And seriously, if that's enough to be a deal breaker, you're better of not getting married.0
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Hmmm I dont know. I'm one that doesnt want to get married period to the guy. Perfer living in sin it's easier.
Why get married just go to europe?
I will say though that if it is very important to her he might want to compromise.0 -
Ok, first of all there are 2 sides to every story and somewhere in the middle is the truth. We only have one side second hand. Also, if this guy is a divorce lawyer by profession maybe he's seen the worst that can happen and wants to concentrate on the marriage, not the big shindig that causes mass amounts and stress and even break ups. Just a thought.
My two cents? This is potentially less about "The Wedding" then it is about larger issues in the relationship. Ideally there should be a give and take, respect for the wants and needs of the others, compromise and COMMUNICATION in any healthy relationship. If they can't balance their own wants and needs, family expectations, friends, etc and come out with something that works for both, maybe the relationship needs some work, possibly a little counseling and work on communication before anybody goes down the middle aisle?
That said perhaps this particular bride can't picture something a bit less elaborate because she's not seen anything else? Mayb the big $25k affair is her norm and anything less is signaling a lack of love to her? If so, might I suggest she take a look at offbeatbride.com? There should be some food for thought there. Maybe a small ceremony, helluva honeymoon, and party when they return? Some combination thereof that makes sense for them and their values? I hope it works out for your client and she and her fiance both find the right way forward.
Side note? Month long honeymoon in Europe? Holy shat! Does he have a brother?! LOL0 -
I'm not married, but what if the bride (or potential bride, in my case) doesn't want a wedding?
Weddings are stupid expensive and I'd rather have an awesome honeymoon than stand around in an uncomfortable dress for a few hours smiling at people my parents barely know and haven't seen in years.
Hopefully, if I ever get to that point with someone, he won't dump me because I don't want a wedding0 -
truth0 -
my husband and i didnt want a wedding either, we wanted family in tahoe. but the moms wanted a wedding. i finally talked my husband into it when i found an aircraft carrier to get married on, so it all worked.
if i was her, i'd ask him if there was a place or type of wedding he would want to have, do the whole wedding for him, not her. thats what i did for mine.0 -
I just want a small wedding-- me him, I want a fancy dress, him in a tux,people we are close with, and thats it... But I might forego that if I got a 1 month honeymoon to europe!!0
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From the way it sounds she should just go along with a small civil wedding and then have a big wedding next time.
They sound doomed before they start.0 -
My situation is quite the opposite. I want to go on a long honeymoon and have the 'wedding' on a beach somewhere with just us and maybe our parents. He wants a lavish shindig. Theoretically, weddings are supposed to be a once in a lifetime opportunity. So this would be her one and only chance to have this one thing. He should compromise. Plain and simple.
Simply this. If he loves her, her desires/dreams should be important to him. End of story.0 -
The fact that he feels so adamantly about not having one is what should be worrisome and that is what probably has her on the fence now. I, personally, would not want to be with someone with a my way or the highway mentality. It's best they find common ground on this, especially if it was her dream to have a big lavish wedding, which they can afford. It should've also been discussed before the engagement.
My boyfriend would have absolutely no problem going to the court house, signing the papers and bolting out there. But he knows I want a wedding and he's excited about it. He has his demands (a cigar roller station, long tail tuxedo and he wants to pick who DJ's) as I do mine. It's a compromise. That way, we both will have an awesome time among our friends and fam and we don't regret doing it later.0
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