most emberassing place you've ever audibly farted
Replies
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I just don't get embarrassed by farting. I generally take pride in those things. Ask my wife. I carpet bomb the car as soon as she gets in most days.0
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A guy I was seeing was giving me oral, and we'd eaten Mexican a few hours before right...so I was trying really hard to hold it in, while thinking of an excuse to go to the bathroom but things were still pretty new with us and I was embarrassed. Anyway, during a particularly delicate moment it just machine gunned out right into his face, and I felt him freeze in shock followed by "Ew, I just tasted your fart in my mouth". I wanted to die, but also couldn't stop laughing. We were together for 5 years so I guess he forgave me. :blushing:
That was possibly the funniest thing I have ever read, you are my hero.0 -
Into a yoga instructors face as he used me to demonstrate a move for the entire class!
That's hard to beat.0 -
We whisper in our panties.No. Ladies don't fart. :glasses:
Silent but deadly.0 -
When I was pregant with my 3rd child I cleared an aisle of the grocery store with a very loud, very toxic fart. People were giving me dirty looks and running in the other direction.....0
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Giving birth to my first kid. Doctor said "push" and I did.
It's normal to poop during a live birth...
Talk about shock the first time that happens, "Hey that's not MY kid!"0 -
I had a brand new coworker and we shared a VERY small office... it was late in the day, I was totally into what I was working on, and forgot there was another person in this room I was used to being alone in.
I mean, I went for the cheek lift and everything - no sense in letting it get stifled in crappy office chair foam.
We ended up becoming really close friends, and I'm pretty sure it's because I'm so classy.
I think you've just become my new best friend!
When I was a young kid, I was taking a bath with a friend and farted. She puked right in the tub it smelled so bad! Another time I farted in the car with my fiance and he got out and puked! Another time I farted around him and he had to go stick his head in the freezer to keep his eyes from watering. It's like we were meant to be
LMAOO DEADLY FARTS.
I can't stop laughing.0 -
Walking down the stairs at home one time I let loose a series of 3. I kid you not they sounded like the transformers sound effect when they chenge from one form to the other. The entire house heard it which made it worse.0
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Okay here is mine, we used to have this dog and this poor dog got blamed for all my gases. They were silent and every time Gizmo was in the room and I ripped one, I started blaming the dog, well my fiance started believing me. Well we got rid of the dog and he smelled something, same aroma and he looked at me and started laughing cause he knew my secret. As I am laughing, I ripped a huge one in front of him and till this day, he cannot leave me alone about it. He keeps joking with me, saying the smell was so toxic, he forgot who he was and where he was. :blushing: :blushing: :blushing:0
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In class, lol! I also larfed once or twice, but the best story I have is me being the fartee not the farter.
I was at work, we were unloading a pallet of boxes, as I bent down to pick up a box my friend came up right beside me to go for the other box, she bent over and farted. I laughed, mouth open and all, and she stood up mid-fart and it turned into a queef.
The b**** queefed in my face.0 -
Mine too was a 'larf'. I was... I dunno... elementary school age... and it was in a bingo hall. Between the announcing of the numbers, it's deathly quiet until someone wins. The announcer was smothering the mic and someone nearby made a joke about him eating the mic. I 'larfed' so hard/loud that I actually lifted out of my seat a couple of inches! It probably lasted a full 5 sec! (Doesn't seem like long, but look at your watch and time it) Being the typical self-centered lil kid, I dramatically pointed at my Mom and loudly said multiple times, "Ewwww, Mom! Why'd you do that?!" Her laughter instantly turned to shame. I still feel guilty even though she forgave me that very night. She was a saint that night... in her place I probably would've choked me right then and there....
But I am known for "larfing"- farting from laughing. Comes out like machine gun fire.
...
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I'm sorry, was this supposed to be a funny story?
It was the only one that made me laugh out loud :laugh:0 -
thank you all you made my day brighter
my uncle was king of dropping the bomb we would be riding in his truck he would let silent on go and keep a straight face until we reacated which back the was grabbing window crank and rolling the window down fast oo man i in turn have done it to my sisters kids many of times0 -
I have never farted...I'm a lady. Oh...and I have never pooped either...hahaha0
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School. I was in 4th grade. It was so loud people jumped0
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Best .....thread.....EVER!!!!0
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I have never laughed so hard in all my life.
My husgand and I practice "the wave." It is nightime, you fart under the covers, so you do "the wave" with the bedsheets pretending to adjust your blankets. I keep two bottles of air freshener in the bedroom for just this purpose.0 -
Into a yoga instructors face as he used me to demonstrate a move for the entire class!
Oh my you poor girl! This is why I have a female trainer, I couldn't imagine a guy trainer hot tor not witnessing an embarrassing moment. lol0 -
Quiet time at church
haha 0 -
I cannot believe I am admitting this but here goes. I had just gotten done giving birth to a 10 pound baby girl and ended up with some tearing that needed to be repaired. As my doctor was repairing things down there I uncontrollably and audibly farted in her face. I was mortified!0
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The b**** queefed in my face.
Bahahahahaha0 -
Honestly can't remember, but I recently let out a silent but deadly one at work, and when my coworker walked into it I was like 'did you smell that? Those people are so gross!' Blaming it on the customers that were passing by. Hehehe0
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Weight room. Twice. Once was right next to a dudes head, on the incline situp-majig. Second time was on the floor, Doing sit ups yet again! haha 0
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such a funny funny topic
ok, first if all, girls dont fart :P
lol
but i admit, there was this one time i was a sleep, spooning with my ex bf...
I kinda woke up after that, embarrassed, cuz i know he felt it lol0 -
I have burned a billion calories laughing at these.
You know, if you're nose is stuffy, you can't taste anything, right? Therefore, if you smell it, you taste it. Think about that for a bit.0 -
I had a brand new coworker and we shared a VERY small office... it was late in the day, I was totally into what I was working on, and forgot there was another person in this room I was used to being alone in.
I mean, I went for the cheek lift and everything - no sense in letting it get stifled in crappy office chair foam.
We ended up becoming really close friends, and I'm pretty sure it's because I'm so classy.
I think you've just become my new best friend!
When I was a young kid, I was taking a bath with a friend and farted. She puked right in the tub it smelled so bad! Another time I farted in the car with my fiance and he got out and puked! Another time I farted around him and he had to go stick his head in the freezer to keep his eyes from watering. It's like we were meant to be
i have tears in my eyes!!0 -
Not me, my daughter who was 18 at the time.
We were at the supermarket in the deli. I was having lunch meat cut so the lady wasn't looking at us. My daughter let one rip, super loud, then yelled, "Mom, that is gross". Walked away as the lady came over, giving me a dirty look, the stench was awful!
Dang kids!0 -
In this room. RIGHT NOW!!!!0
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During sex with my wife, as I climaxed.
I couldn't help it, and I couldn't stop!0 -
This is not my story...but I nominate this lady...FTW! Reposted from her site: hahasforhoohas.com/the-fart-that-almost-altered-my-destiny/
Like everything in life, farts have a time and place. However, I never realized that in the wrong time and place, flatulence had enough power to alter my course in history. Well, it can if it's the third date with the man of your dreams. And, if it makes his eyes burn. If God destined us to be together, I was one SBD away from foiling His plans (that's "Silent But Deadly" for you prudes).
It was about five years ago. I was trying to lose a few pounds so I was staying away from carbs. That's when I met my husband, Rob. On our first date, he booked the next two. He liked me. I liked him. Things were looking real good. He picked me up in a Cobra, Mustang and his pathetic attempt to win me over with a car totally worked. I'm not shallow, but since I spent most of my twenties picking men up because I didn't want my hair to frizz in their non-air conditioned jalopies on 3 wheels and a
15 year old spare, I welcomed his fancy sports car with open arms. We arrived at the restaurant and Rob was ordering food I hadn't allowed myself to eat in years. I didn't want to be "that girl" so I ate, drank, and oh, was I merry. Later we shopped a bit. Rob surprised me by buying an expensive pair of shoes that he caught me eyeing. Was this love?
That's when it happened. Gas strikes in two different ways - uncontrollable toots or sharp, shooting pains that feel a lot like dying. I thought I was dying. Not to make a scene, I told Rob I suddenly wasn't feeling well and probably needed to head home. On the way home in his Cobra, he tried to hold my hand and ask me lots of questions, but I wasn't having any of it. The pain was so bad it felt like I was being stabbed with a bunch of tiny forks.
Then I realized ...
My God, help me. I have a horrendous fart on deck. I'm in trouble. Big trouble. The more I held it in, the more pain would shoot through my stomach and down my legs. I was even having to raise myself off the seat, gripping on to my door and the dashboard. "Seriously, you need to hurry - I'm in a lot of pain." I managed to say through gritted teeth.
"Wow, it's that bad? What's wrong? Do I need to take you to a hospital?"
How do you tell a man you just started dating that the reason you're writhing in pain is because you have to fart?
Well, you can either tell him, or like me, let the fart speak for itself.
People, hear me. There was nothing I could do. As impressive as I am with sphincter control, this was out of my hands. Slowly, it eeked out.
The more I tried to stop it, the more it forced it's way through the door. However, to my pleasant surprise, there was no sound. I sat silently, sweat accumulating above my upper lip. Ok, maybe I got away with it. Maybe I'm home free. Then it hit me. Not an idea, a cloud. A horrific, fart cloud.
Not in a, "am I smelling something?" sort of way. More like a "is someone dead and rotting in your trunk and am I in hell?" sort of way.
Suddenly, I panicked. "Roll down the windows!" I screamed (yes, I literally screamed it like I was in a horror movie).
"What? Why?" Rob asked, starting to freak out because I was freaking out.
"I can't roll down the windows, unlock it! UNLOCK IT!"
"What's going on?" Rob yells back to me, "Why are you ..." then it hit him.
I could see it in his eyes. Was it surprise? Horror? Water started to accumulate at the base of his eyelids, "Oh my God, I CAN TASTE IT!" he screamed.
"Roll down the windows!" As I screamed, the toots started to flood out uncontrollably. I scratched and clawed at the window like I was being kidnapped. Rob, unable to see either by fart cloud or panic, kept turning on the windshield wipers instead of unlocking the window.
It was chaos. We were acting like we were under siege by gun fire. We were under siege alright, just not by gun fire.
Finally he was able to hit the right control and he rolled down our windows.
We both gulped in fresh air. I was horrified, yet happy to be alive, then remembered I just farted on the man of dreams, then sorta wished I was dead.
We sat silently for the rest of the way home. Although the shooting pains had subsided, I now desperately needed to use the bathroom, in an urgent, explosive kind of way. He pulled up to my apartment and before he could come to a stop I had already jumped out, "Ok, thanks for dinner, sorry about the fart, love the shoes!" and ran in to my apartment like I was running from the cops.
I burst through my door and ran straight for the bathroom, where I was finally able to unleash and make noises that no one should ever, EVER, hear coming from another person.
Then I heard it. Rob's voice. Right. Outside. My. Bathroom. Door.
"Anna? You left your shoes in my car and your front door was open. Where do you want me to put them?"
"Get away from the door!" I scream like Reagan from The Exorcist. "Ok, I'm sorry. Are you okay?"
*toot* *toot* *splatter* *ungodly noise*
"I'm fine, Rob - just leave the shoes there. I'll call you later okay?"
"Okay, are you sure you're ..."
"I'm fine! Get away from the door!"
This man! I mean, I love him, but take a freakin' hint!
Finally, I heard the front door shut, and the Cobra engine zoom away. I thought that was the last I'd hear from him. I didn't think it was possible to ever see a man again after he screams he can taste your fart after only knowing you for 48 hours. But, to my surprise, I did. A couple days later, actually. Now we're married and he's laying on the couch while I type this ... "It was your rack that saved you," he just lovingly reminded me.
Well, thank you boobs. You saved us. You saved our destiny.
Seriously ...I have not laughed so much in a year. Am now hysterical. I copied this and sent it to my boyfriend..pretty sure he can relate. Thanks for a great post!!!!!0 -
The aisle in Target...worst part? A little kid heard it, hollered it out to his mom, and it smelled. Like, rotten eggs left out in the sun on a 100 degree day smelled.
Even worse? I was proud :sick:
You rock!!0
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