Am I being unrealistic?
Replies
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Even if this is a troll post, I have a serious question.
I have a job AND a car. I brush my teeth twice a day and shower once a day. I have lost 60lbs in the last two years. Why can't I find a girlfriend?
yeah but think about the flip side, would you WANT a woman that's attracted or stays with someone like this?
Who actually posts mean things like this when I am asking for advise. . . ? This is just mean.0 -
And to add... Where is your mother that you spoke about in previous posts? Where is the brother you mentioned? What happened in the last month with your boyfriend as in Jan you posted that you are happy and you are lucky... now this??? You also pointed out in a previous post that you want to lose weight and be happier/healthier so when your son who you gave up for adoption meets you in the future he won't be ashamed of you. If this post is real, get out now so you have the chance to meet your son in the future. And on your profile you have that you work 35 hours a week. Get out while you can.
Rut Roh. You have contradicted yourself multiple times. Troll? A-ho?
Troll? I work 35 hours a week for free for his IT company. And I keep up on his house and yard for free. What happened to, "IF you cant say anything nice, dont say anything at all?" I never said I got paid at my job. Jeff says its an internship and thats reason to not pay me.0 -
I don't mean to be a jerk but get out. And no he won't change.
I wanted to see if other people see what I see and see it as problem like I do. Its nice to have some support. I am sorry for the people that think of me as a 'troll'. I know people worse off than me so I didnt think I had it that bad.0 -
Most interesting background in her posts... talks about going out with her boyfriend, how happy she is -- they go to the gym together?...
Hmm.
I never said I had been to the gym with him... We havent had a gym membership since 2011 because he never went. Yes, I post how much I love school but to quote how happy I am with him... where are these posts? Who are you?0 -
If you had a daughter and she came to you with this scenario - what advice would you give her?
Why isn't that advice right for you?
What advice would I give a daughter-if I had one?
Move home. (but wait, I cant move home! I dont have parents)
Leave him.
Never date someone like that again.0 -
No you are not being realistic. You knew this but wanted confirmation. He is controlling and YOU CAN NOT CHANGE HIM. He is abusive and YOU CAN NOT CHANGE HIM. Consider it a job and he is not your boyfriend. You didn't say it; but if you are having sex with him, YOU ARE BETTER THAN THAT. I am saying this because you are on mfp trying to make a change in your life.
Now let's get down to basics. If you want to stay then you will stay. I am surprised he hasn't found a way to monitor your mfp. Change your password immediately if you think he knows it. He is abusive so you can either wait out your time until the agreement is over or start planning on getting out. Have a plan. You are taking your classes online so you can do that at the public library. If it were me, I would take that job at the $2 whatever an hour and work as much as possible. I would look to get a job cleaning houses. I would find a safe place to hide my money and look into moving into a homeless shelter. I would be careful of undressing because how did he get naked pictures of his ex? If you are scared at all, then you need to get out!
Turn the phone off so he can't track you. Apparently he is paying for it, so you may have to be without a phone. Don't leave the phone with him because he could make calls or send texts that APPEAR to come from you. You could get a pay as you go and change out the SIM card. If he is in IT, just turn it off until you can get a new phone.
Now be realistic and protect yourself. If you think you can change him, you are wrong,0 -
This is the stuff nightmares are made of !
No you're not being unrealistic.0 -
So, um, your abusive boyfriend works in IT, is overly controlling, and you don't get to leave the house. Do you think he might, maybe, just possibly, be able to find what you post online? Hmmmm.....
I am actually kind of hoping he will find this. If he does, he will see others agree. He refuses to talk to me. I try to talk to him every day and it doesnt work. I try to get him to workout with me... He doesnt seem to want to be with me. I asked him if I should move out when I can and he begs me to stay. . . I am getting mixed signals.0 -
Get out now0
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i wouldn't say for free. He pays the bills buys the food and all that other stuff thats why you stay right? Free housing as a student is a sweet deal. If thats why you are staying then I say suck it up and ride it out. Use the experience you got 1'interning" and get a good part time job save up and leave in a few months. If you love him you need to love yourself more, and tell him a few things have to change. start small just put your clothes in the hamper type small. If he can't do that for you he doesn't give a sh### about you. Just show some self respect, Why let someone control you? you will get more satisfaction from being an independent women.
I have never been in a long term relationship but if that was my only option I guess I'd be single forever. I've got way to much self respect and my standards are way to F##ing high for that mess.
Good Luck!0 -
I think you should pack up and leave. If you don't have a friend or a relative to stay with look into a shelter until you find a paying job. 35 hours a week for free is not an internship and he is using you. Hell depending on where you work 32 hours is full time. Most internships are under 20 hours per week. Just because its your job to clean does not mean he can be a slob. If you are scared to speak up or scared to tell him how disgusting it is its time leave. You are in an abusive relationship. It doesn't matter if he is depressed or not, its not your job to help someone who is abusing you. Abusers usually get worse.
If you have too much pride to live in a shelter try talking to someone at your school about homeless students and I'm sure they can get you some kind of help. Also I think you should seek help. I'm not trying to be mean but you have to hit a low to allow yourself to be treated that way and to accept someone like him.0 -
So, um, your abusive boyfriend works in IT, is overly controlling, and you don't get to leave the house. Do you think he might, maybe, just possibly, be able to find what you post online? Hmmmm.....
I am actually kind of hoping he will find this. If he does, he will see others agree. He refuses to talk to me. I try to talk to him every day and it doesnt work. I try to get him to workout with me... He doesnt seem to want to be with me. I asked him if I should move out when I can and he begs me to stay. . . I am getting mixed signals.
You need to have this conversation again and when he begs tell him to clean up behind himself and that its embarrassing to live like that. He won't change because you say you will leave and never do. You should leave.0 -
i mean this in the nicest way possible.. he sounds like a pig, and reading that makes me want to vomit. i am huge on personal hygiene and that just all sounds so disgusting, i would never be able to live with that. sorry girl =\
What she said .
You can't live like that !!! It must make you so unhappy. We only have one shot at life so make the most of it. If that means moving on then so be it , you don't wanna look back in 10 years time and think " where did my life go"0 -
Sounds like depression, the whole not taking care of himself or his house. BUT on the same note it doesn't give him the right to control you, I think that is a whole different issue in itself. Honey, if i was you I would be running and not looking back. I never saw a relationship with a controlling man ever, and I do mean EVER end well.0
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Why the actual *kitten* is he your boyfriend...?
He use to take me out on dates to just talk, he use to listen to me. We use to just like being around each other. something snapped in him. We rarely talk now and I just posted this to see if I was crazy. Its nice to know other people think I am not unrealistic.0 -
Ew. Throw a bucket of water or something on him while he's sleeping. Only showers once a week? GROSS.0
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Just to counteract all of the 'EWWW OMGZIES WHAT A DISGUSTING PIG" comments.....a lot of the time this kind of behaviour (a complete lack of regard for personal hygiene/health) can be symptoms of depression. Especially if this behaviour has happened gradually and has not been there all along. Have you talked to him? No one wants to live that way. It's possible that this could be a lot more than someone just being a "lazy slob"
I was going to agree with this up until I read the part about his behavior towards his ex-wife.
If it was just the slobbishness, I might agree with depression, but add in the horrid behavior towards his ex and that doesn't spell "depression" for me, it spells sociopath. As a matter of fact, all of his behaviors put together add up to a sociopath.0 -
The abusive mother tells me why you stay with him in spite of all the negatives and don't assert your rights. It probably seems normal to you, but it isn't. You need to get out of there and leave no forwarding address. If you can't do it now, plan. Your day will come.0
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Most interesting background in her posts... talks about going out with her boyfriend, how happy she is -- they go to the gym together?...
Hmm.
I never said I had been to the gym with him... We havent had a gym membership since 2011 because he never went. Yes, I post how much I love school but to quote how happy I am with him... where are these posts? Who are you?
In January you posted ...
"My boyfriend and I have came a long ways over 3 years. We dont really talk about serious stuff anymore because we cover all the small stuff first and it never get serious. I use to have to bring things up and we would fight. Now its just, "what would you like for breakfast?" Or "Lets go to the gym together!" Our life is pretty simple and happy now. I am lucky. "
"I try to stop around 7 pm. My boyfriend will take me to a movie dinner date once a month or so, I break the rule then. For the most part, its 7 pm. "
"I make 1/15 of what he makes so money is very tight for me right now."
In December...
"My life is awesome."0 -
I'm sorry you have to deal with someone like him , leave you are not married to him or have kids please find your own place and leaved .0
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If you had a daughter and she came to you with this scenario - what advice would you give her?
Why isn't that advice right for you?
What advice would I give a daughter-if I had one?
Move home. (but wait, I cant move home! I dont have parents)
Leave him.
Never date someone like that again.
The thing is that nothing is worth what you are describing. There is no situation that is worth this. A shelter would be better. A friends place temporarily. ANYTHING.
The thing is that you have made it a 'no way out' situation and now you will have to figure a way out of the labyrinth you have created. The thing that is difficult here is that you don't sound like you are looking for solutions to the problem. You will have to be inventive because you have put yourself in harms way by placing yourself so much under his control. There is nothing anyone can tell you that will be easy. You know this already and you just need to accept it. You may also have to put your schooling on hold because you KNOW this isn't acceptable. Ultimately, we cannot live entirely under the control of someone else and thrive. Talk to someone in the real world about your situation. This is not really an appropriate venue for getting things done. It is great to vent and rant but you know in yourself what needs to be done. Life is full of hard decisions, especially when we have taken a wrong turning and have to live with a big mistake. You are talking here and you know that the sword of Damocles is hanging over your head. Were you being unrealistic in expecting your partner to be fair and do his part - that depends on his behaviour in the past. And if you were honest with yourself you probably saw this coming...that is my take away from reading between the lines here.
Also, as a PP said - there is no free lunch. I wouldn't ever have expected a boyfriend - even one I lived with - to provide for me without it getting weird. Even as a couple when we make decisions, my husband and I are very careful about how one-sided things ever get. I am especially touchy about feeling taken advantage of because I stay at home with the kids - a position which lends itself to being taken advantage of or feeling taken advantage of. Fairness in a relationship is work and lots of it. I think it is obvious that redressing the balance in the relationship you are in would take a lot more work than it would ultimately be worth.0 -
Please call your nearest domestic violence shelter or the national domestic violence hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. Aside from being disgusting, this guy is a classic domestic violence perpetrator. Domestic violence is often not about being physically hurt, it is about him controlling your life and making you afraid to leave. Please call!0
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Darling girl, please leave this man while you still can.
Please go and see a counsellor and work out an exit plan.
Your future is bright, keep it that way.
XO0 -
Please call your nearest domestic violence shelter or the national domestic violence hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. Aside from being disgusting, this guy is a classic domestic violence perpetrator. Domestic violence is often not about being physically hurt, it is about him controlling your life and making you afraid to leave. Please call!
100% agree0 -
Most interesting background in her posts... talks about going out with her boyfriend, how happy she is -- they go to the gym together?...
Hmm.
I never said I had been to the gym with him... We havent had a gym membership since 2011 because he never went. Yes, I post how much I love school but to quote how happy I am with him... where are these posts? Who are you?
In January you posted ...
"My boyfriend and I have came a long ways over 3 years. We dont really talk about serious stuff anymore because we cover all the small stuff first and it never get serious. I use to have to bring things up and we would fight. Now its just, "what would you like for breakfast?" Or "Lets go to the gym together!" Our life is pretty simple and happy now. I am lucky. "
"I try to stop around 7 pm. My boyfriend will take me to a movie dinner date once a month or so, I break the rule then. For the most part, its 7 pm. "
"I make 1/15 of what he makes so money is very tight for me right now."
In December...
"My life is awesome."
With all fumes most likely coming from her home she probably forgot all that stuff or something....... yep thats it no troll here.0 -
WOW...glad you shared your story here. You have lost a lot of weight! That's means you have tenacity, discipline, dedication and you are smart. Cuz this weight loss thing is hard and tricky. With these great personal traits - you can get yourself out of your predicament.
Straight up: Your boyfriend is a big fat gross loser. YOU are not. But you are stuck financially. I get it. A job = freedom. So we need to figure out how to get you a job. What do you like to do as far as a work skill? Where would you like to start working to build your skills? Can you take any college courses, like computer programming? What about a restaurant job? Start washing dishes and work your way to waitress, then hostess, then manager. Whatever it takes. Put the same disciplined focus you used to lose weight on finding work. Hit the streets and knock on doors and drop off resumes, even if your resume just has your name, Phone#, and an explanation of why you sincerely want to get a job and change your life. Be honest and ask for the job!!! Be willing to work hard, odd hours, and prove that you are serious and dedicated. Ask everyone you know if they know of any work you could do? Tell everyone you are very interested in turning your life right side up. Ask for help. Believe in yourself and other will believe in you. Sound confident and serious when you tell someone you want the job. Look them in the eyes. Don't be bashful, ashamed or think you can't do it - cuz you can do it! You can do anything you put your mind to and take the beginning steps to get, don't stop trying, even if you hear 50 no's, just keep asking for the jobs. Someone will say yes. A door will open. And your life will change. I believe in you. Everyone here knows you've succeeded at weight loss. The only thing stopping you - is you. So, tomorrow start putting the same dedicated effort you used to lose the weight nto finding a job. Never give up. Next year this time you could be right where you want to be. Anything is possible if you put forth a dedicated, focused, no holds barred effort.0 -
He wants to marry his mommy.
A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
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Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition0 -
I haven't read anyone's posts on here besides your original one but I'm sure there are several that echo my thoughts.
You are in an abusive relationship and you need to get the f*** out ASAP! I understand that you care for him but do not worry about his depression. Worry about YOU!
Please find a friend you can stay with for a time until you get your work situation straightened out or find a shelter for victims of abuse or something but you need to leave him immediately.0 -
If this type of lifestyle and behavior is not a deal breaker for you...I am curious as to what would be.
Here is a question I ask people when they are faced with relationship issues which is this:
"If you had a daughter, would you want your daughter going out or being with a guy like this?" Would you set a good friend up with a guy like this on a date?"
If the answer is "No", then why do you accept less for yourself?
Such a great way to look at it, I'll be remembering this for future usage!0 -
Most interesting background in her posts... talks about going out with her boyfriend, how happy she is -- they go to the gym together?...
Hmm.
I never said I had been to the gym with him... We havent had a gym membership since 2011 because he never went. Yes, I post how much I love school but to quote how happy I am with him... where are these posts? Who are you?
In January you posted ...
"My boyfriend and I have came a long ways over 3 years. We dont really talk about serious stuff anymore because we cover all the small stuff first and it never get serious. I use to have to bring things up and we would fight. Now its just, "what would you like for breakfast?" Or "Lets go to the gym together!" Our life is pretty simple and happy now. I am lucky. "
"I try to stop around 7 pm. My boyfriend will take me to a movie dinner date once a month or so, I break the rule then. For the most part, its 7 pm. "
"I make 1/15 of what he makes so money is very tight for me right now."
In December...
"My life is awesome."
I really dont know where these posts are. ? Seriously. and they call me a troll. Look in the mirror. I am asking for advice. Not this.0
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