Am I being unrealistic?

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Replies

  • Mrc1974
    Mrc1974 Posts: 75 Member
    I am sorry to hear all this is happening and it is easy for all of us to give advise. But reading what you have wrote I think that in your heart of hearts you no it is not correct or normal or fair or really what you want!

    I think you need to value yourself more, by this I mean that you are having to put up with a lot of things which you shouldn't, therefore make a plan of what you want from life and from your partner and if he can not give it to you, which it sounds like he can't, start planning your exit strategy.
    Leaving is hard, but staying and being unhappy will be even harder on you in the long run!

    Good luck, we are here to support you.
  • Terri_terri
    Terri_terri Posts: 42 Member
    You need professional help before this escalates, not the advice of random punters on the internet.

    If it does escalate: http://www.ncadv.org/protectyourself/GettingHelp.php

    EXACTLY
  • sassafrascas
    sassafrascas Posts: 191 Member
    In all seriousness joking aside, many people have given you suggestion just based off of what you have said, but you know the whole story, the answer is unanimous you are not being unrealistic. I am just curious to know what you plan to do about it? Keep us posted. Wishing you the best, the very best.
  • Jxnsmma
    Jxnsmma Posts: 919 Member
    Not only does he sound like a disgusting pig of a human being who is not worth a second of your time, he also sounds dangerous. You need to get out of that environment as soon as possible.

    This... totally. GTFO...
  • jamers3111
    jamers3111 Posts: 495 Member
    He sounds like a disgusting obnoxious pig. YOU DESERVE BETTER.
  • LaraeTX
    LaraeTX Posts: 674 Member
    Unrealistic?! Hell no! He needs to learn to become a human!! Get rid of him, you deserve better.
  • skinnyinnotime
    skinnyinnotime Posts: 4,078 Member
    Run.

    As fast as you can.

    Don't look back.
  • fit_librarian
    fit_librarian Posts: 242 Member
    DTMFA.
  • BrownEyeAngel
    BrownEyeAngel Posts: 331 Member
    Get out of that house!
  • laughingdani
    laughingdani Posts: 2,275 Member
    You need to get out of that situation. Now. Contact the authorities or a women's shelter if you need to.
    One should never use fear to make someone stay with them. It's pathetic.
    Sounds like hygiene is the least of your issues. But his lack of hygiene should be a red flag that he doesn't care about himself
    and therefore is in a wreckless mindset at the moment. People that "have it together" don't live in filth.
  • insanecowgirl
    insanecowgirl Posts: 7
    You put up with a lot but maybe it's time you stepped away if you are this unhappy.
    Ask yourself one question, "Are you going to marry this man?"
    Don't think about all the past times you've had together where you thought about it, but today with what he's become would you?

    If you are going to school, generally it means you are trying to better yourself so is he just dragging you down?
    His sounds a little like a narcissist to me, and you should never have to put up with that.

    If you do want to still be with him... talk to him. If that doesn't work, well maybe you would change your mind on what you are going to put up with and hit the high road.
  • Julettashane
    Julettashane Posts: 723 Member
    two words.....GET OUT
  • MsDover
    MsDover Posts: 395 Member
    Here.... let me hold the door for you while you RUN!!!
  • Vmax1992
    Vmax1992 Posts: 41 Member
    The behavior goes deep, and it shouldn't be your full time job to be a his shrink. His issues, his job to get help. The most alarming is how you are treated. That is a form of abuse. Do not put up with it,
  • Faye_Anderson
    Faye_Anderson Posts: 1,495 Member
    I dont have parents and I was in the foster system growing up. I dont have siblings to help me out either.
    I grew up with a mentally ill mother. My brother and I ended up ok
    My mom was 400 pounds... I wish I was joking but she really was. Remember when theater seat armrests didnt lift up? My mom couldnt go to movies because she was so big she couldnt sit in one seat. She had to buy two plane tickets to fit on an airplane. She use to eat so fast that she would throw up.
    I was raised in a single parent home where we couldnt afford food. My mom would literally ask me to make friends at school so I could have sleep overs and steal food from their parntries to eat. Picture that, a 6 year old stealing canned beans from her 'friends'. I was a size zero until 9th grade. My mom made my life awful, it was very similar to the book, "A Child Called It." I had to drop out of high school because my mom was abusive and kicked me out at the age of 16


    It just doesn't add up
  • angiebirdie
    angiebirdie Posts: 64 Member
    So, um, your abusive boyfriend works in IT, is overly controlling, and you don't get to leave the house. Do you think he might, maybe, just possibly, be able to find what you post online? Hmmmm.....

    I am actually kind of hoping he will find this. If he does, he will see others agree. He refuses to talk to me. I try to talk to him every day and it doesnt work. I try to get him to workout with me... He doesnt seem to want to be with me. I asked him if I should move out when I can and he begs me to stay. . . I am getting mixed signals.

    For your sake, I hope he doesn't find this-- but he will. And from the sound of it, I'm afraid he will try to hurt you. Call a women's shelter hotline from a Payphone. Do NOT search where to go online, and do NOT let the cameras see if you're searching where to go. Leave the house, run away, and do not let him find out where you go. Seriously, Please call the cops and put a restraining order against him. I get that you have had a rough life and you are probably used to being abused but that does not make it OK. I hope you come out of this situation alive and that this doesn't show up on the news. This man is a danger. Please also look up "battered woman syndrome". I know way too many people who have been in abusive relationships, and no woman in the world deserves a guy like yours.
  • chanahliora
    chanahliora Posts: 20
    I am so sorry you are going through this. Clearly this guy has serious issues and needs professional help. However, there is nothing you can do for him. You can do for you! I am happy to hear you in college. I strongly suggest you get over to the counseling center of your college and meet with a counselor. They will be able to help you cope with this situation and very possibly find a better living situation. Please don't wait. You are being abused by this man. Abuse isn't always physical. Please get help for yourself today! ((hugs))) Keep us posted.
  • HypersonicFitNess
    HypersonicFitNess Posts: 1,219 Member
    Uh...sorry I couldn't get through the whole thing I grossed out half way....WHAT DO YOU SEE IN HIM AND WHY THE HECK ARE YOU STILL WITH HIM??? GET OUT and AWAY AS FAST AS POSSIBLE. He's a slob and disgusting...nothing is worth living like that. YOU are SO worth more than putting up with that. LEAVE NOW! He might need help but you need it worse.
  • Jooliebean
    Jooliebean Posts: 57 Member
    Whew...This made me feel really sad. He is definitely In a bad place..and does not want to see you in a better place. I'd venture to guess, he's scared you're gonna cut and run at some point. Maybe when you graduate, etc...and if he doesn't make some attempt to change, YOU SHOULD RUN. FAST. FAR. He sounds as if he has NO CONFIDENCE OR SELF ESTEEM WHATSOEVER. NO RESPECT FOR YOU, AND EXTREMELY BAD HABITS. Stop tending on him. He doesn't live in a hotel. Keep up your school work. Believe in yourself...and NO, you don't have to clean up after someone like that. Bills being paid or no bills being paid. It's just insulting. Everyone has a history...you are not stuck. Go get your hair cut Lady, YOU DESERVE IT. But Your hair looks really nice all the same. Good job! :)
  • Brianna72994
    Brianna72994 Posts: 887
    Ew, I feel like I need a shower after reading this.


    But anyway, if he can't take care of himself, he's certainly not going to take care of you.
  • Justkeepswimmin
    Justkeepswimmin Posts: 777 Member
    I'm having trouble believing you love or respect yourself very much reading that post. Does your college have a free mental health clinic, I'd work with someone towards learning to leave this creap and OMG DO NOT HAVE sex with him. Do not get pregnant and stuck with that disgusting person the rest of your life.
  • sparklehurte
    sparklehurte Posts: 7
    Sounds like you're in an unhealthy relationship. Also maybe this seems a little normal to you because you had a hard time growing up in Foster Care. It is not right for someone to not want to share all he has with the woman he loves. You are worth getting healthy within yourself.

    You wont be able to change your boyfriend. It is up to him to want to change and grow. If he doesn't care then you can only work on yourself. If I were you...I would work on myself. I would write down the type of person I want to be, the type of person you want your mate to be. I would work on making myself happy and healthy first then I think what you will be willling to settle for will be different.

    You have all the power within yourself to make a happy life. You don't have to depend on anyone else. You can do it!!!
  • oppermanncourtney
    oppermanncourtney Posts: 2 Member
    It sounds like he's given up on your relationship and himself. He obviously needs proffesional help. You may love him but that doesn't mean that you should be with him or that you can help him. You need to live your life and you can't do that when you're afraid to even have friends. You deserve better than that. It's not going to be easy. You'll cry and it'll hurt but that is no way to live.
  • Sqeekyjojo
    Sqeekyjojo Posts: 704 Member
    My boyfriend is 33 years old and in the obese range. He is 5'9'' and 230 pounds. He never works out. He showers about once a week. I never see him brush his teeth or floss. His toothbrush is yellow, no joke. He accidentally tipped over a can of soda in the guest room last night, didn't clean it up. I found it stuck to the carpet this morning. He never puts his dirty laundry in the hamper I bought for him. He has a custom large walk in closet and he leaves stuff all over the floor. We agreed that I can be in full time college if I clean the house; he pays the bills this year. He doesn't wear boxers and there is actually butt stain marks in his jeans. He will leave wrappers by the bed when there is a trash can less than a foot away. I know 'its my job' to clean everything but really?! Some days I want to scream. He shaves his pubic hairs in the shower, without the shower actually on, leaving a HUGE mess all over. He leaves his facial shavings all over the sink/counter in the bathroom. He is a chain smoker and wipes his crusty smoker lips on the bathroom towels... I dont know what to do. He smokes in his car but not the house. I wish he wouldn't smoke in the car, it looks like an ash tray but because I dont pay for it- 'I cant say anything.' Is it wrong of me to wish he would be a little cleaner? I am feeling used and its a huge turn off that he has become this messy.

    I think he is depressed and needs to get help. I have tried being nice. I have tried giving him his space. I have invited him to workout with me... Nothing is working. He plays video games when he gets home from work or he works more in his office. We never get to 'connect' with eachother, we never really talk. I miss my best friend. I feel like I have been alone for over a year now.

    He is VERY controlling of me. Everything is 'his' or mine. There is no, 'Ours'. He will go out and buy $500.00 worth of clothing for himself but I cannot get a haircut. I have actually started cutting my own hair. He says who I can hang out with and when. He doesn't like me having friends of any type really. I finally hung out with my friend whitney for the first time in 7 months. He actually told me he doesnt want me to get a job because he is afraid I will meet someone and leave him. He tracks my calls, texts and location from my phone. He has motion sensored- night vision cameras on the house that he says are for protection. There has been times I dont leave the house for 2 weeks at a time because I do my college online. I feel trapped. I am actually scared sometimes. What if I did leave and he hurts me? He told me what he did to his x wife when she left. . . He is an IT major and he sent naked pictures of his x wife to EVERYONE she works with. She was fired. He still enjoys harassing her. If he isnt going to be nice to me, I dont know what to do anymore.

    I dont have parents and I was in the foster system growing up. I dont have siblings to help me out either. I have a small criminal record that I am getting 'expunged' right now. I dont do drugs, I actually can blood drug test clean. I literally cannot get a job. Walmart and mcdonalds wont hire me. The coffee shop 2 miles away will hire me for 2.80 an hour- no tips. I had a pocket knife that was to long in my purse- the police considered it "dangerous concealed weapon" and gave me a felony when I was 18 years old. I am just now getting this taken care of. Within 6 months I will be able to work, get a car, pay of debts and LIVE.


    If this is real, then get the **** out.


    If this is trolling, then **** off.
  • juliekaiser1988
    juliekaiser1988 Posts: 604 Member
    Cut your loses. People like that will drain the life out of YOU. Let someone else be his psychologist. MOVE ON.
  • gr8tweets1
    gr8tweets1 Posts: 58
    Wow I just read your post and my first thought is, you need help. To me, it appears that you have little value for yourself. Otherwise why would you choose to remain in a situation such as the one you have described. Each of us has had things in our lives that we can either dwell on or choose to rise above. Nobody and I mean NOBODY can make the choice for you. You need to look after you and what is best for you. Although you are obviously frustrated with you BF's ways you still choose to stay. Perhaps you should seek some professional counselling (him too) and work on you, your self esteem and issues (not trying to sound judgemental) then you will gain the strength to make changes in your life. You have had some tough breaks in life, as many of us have, you are already doing so well by attending college to better yourself.

    Look after you and the rest will follow. Best of luck!
  • UsernameStillLoading
    UsernameStillLoading Posts: 299 Member
    He actually told me he doesnt want me to get a job because he is afraid I will meet someone and leave him.

    No duh
  • mrspinky85
    mrspinky85 Posts: 79 Member
    Not even for the common reasons but someone who doesn't take care of themselves cannot possibly care enough for you. Personal hygiene is not only a good habit but a healthy one at that. Most colds are passed through people sneezing and not washing their hands and then touching door knobs and shaking hands. Where is this relationship headed? Marriage and a family would be doomed because you cannot raise kids and teach good habits that you yourself do not possess. I am leaning to think your boyfriend is depressed if this is something all of a sudden. But dating is the time when you are searching for your forever mate and if you would go as far as to complain about him on a forum in front of strangers this tells me that he is not the one for you. At 33, he is old enough to be responsible for his own actions. You are not married to this man so get out while you can and save yourself the time and pain. We often try to make the right mate out of a person who is not the one instead of finding the right person for us how they already are as a person. This man seems like he does not care for himself or even for you.

    You deserve the best that is out that and he deserves to be held responsible. He is a man not your child. Children need to be taken care of but adults; they need to take care of themselves. Please for your sake, his sake and both yall future, end this before you get in any deeper.
  • JRaeZins
    JRaeZins Posts: 171 Member
    I think you are brave to put your situation out there and I think that you know the answer to your problems but just needed some validation. Well, I think that you got it! You know what you need to do and you need to do it fast. You can overcome your situation but only you can make that move. I hope that we all see a new post from you in a few weeks telling us about your new, improved situation! Good luck :)
  • ndj1979
    ndj1979 Posts: 29,136 Member
    I think you all are being trolled....

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