My Fiance doesn't "Fancy" me anymore!? :-(
kezza8888
Posts: 75
Three days, on Tuesday night, ago after an awful 3 hour commute home from work, I bailed on a run with my Fiancé and picked up a Chicken Shish Kebab for dinner...Extra light mayo, chicken, pitta and salad! It was 8:45pm when I finally walked through the door and slumped on the sofa with my meal.
I could sense the tension, I knew he wasn't happy with my choices that night, and voices he has been "disappointed" with my lack of enthusiasm for exercise and diet for several months now. BUT he also knows I'm having a really hard time at work and I am pretty unhappy which is ultimately leading to my de-motivated attitude of late.
When we met I was between 147lb and 154lb and suitably happy/confident at the size 12 I had been for many years. But over time (5yrs together to date) I started to naturally fall into line with his exercise regime and healthier eating. I developed a passion for running and lost about 20lb dropping to a size 8-10 and also starving myself with my new addiction to the bathroom scales usually skipping dinners 5 days a week.....
Now after a turbulent 18months at work while studying part-time for a diploma (nights and weekends) I have re-gained those 20lb and I'm embarrassed by my appearance. 5 years ago I was a youthful, firmer size 12 - but now I guess I’m a pretty wobbly, lumpy & bumpy size 12 owing to age! But the problem is food REALLY cheers me up after a bad day, and the last thing I want to do when I work 7-7 is hit the pavements for a run especially in this never ending winter!
So Tuesday, when I was half way through my Kebab my other half feels fit to remind me of my "down-ward spiral" (he keeps dropping this phrase in) and then states QUOTE "I don’t fancy you anymore..."
Like seriously WTF? On the one hand I do feel fat even though I know size 12 (UK) is not particularly large, and I feel ashamed with a small sense that he is right! But on the other hand he knows I've had a tough few months and ALSO that I am already trying to lose weight and am no happy with my appearance. How on earth does he think such a statement is going to help!? Maybe his tactic is to bully me into change - and I most probably will feel more happy and confident once I return to my regime BUT it's not for him to dictate, and it's certainly not helped me in the short term....I just want to hide away now.
He left for a work trip the day after and he will return tonight, which I am dreading. We have only exchanged a handful of cold texts and he has categorically stated that he is not sorry for what he said because its the truth! Obviously he said he still "loves" me - but we aren't 75yrs old - love alone is not enough so early into our journey. So my issue now is where do we go from here? I am so hurt by his comments and how do we have a future if he stops fancying me only 5 years in, just 6 months engaged?! I cant help but feels its the beginning of the end because now I will only be all the more insecure and embarrassed around him, which is clearly already affecting our relationship…..
Thanks for reading my long and pretty boring story – I wanted to share it here because if I share it with a friend or family they might think badly of him, which I don’t really want because this is probably his only vice – exercise is his “thing”.
I could sense the tension, I knew he wasn't happy with my choices that night, and voices he has been "disappointed" with my lack of enthusiasm for exercise and diet for several months now. BUT he also knows I'm having a really hard time at work and I am pretty unhappy which is ultimately leading to my de-motivated attitude of late.
When we met I was between 147lb and 154lb and suitably happy/confident at the size 12 I had been for many years. But over time (5yrs together to date) I started to naturally fall into line with his exercise regime and healthier eating. I developed a passion for running and lost about 20lb dropping to a size 8-10 and also starving myself with my new addiction to the bathroom scales usually skipping dinners 5 days a week.....
Now after a turbulent 18months at work while studying part-time for a diploma (nights and weekends) I have re-gained those 20lb and I'm embarrassed by my appearance. 5 years ago I was a youthful, firmer size 12 - but now I guess I’m a pretty wobbly, lumpy & bumpy size 12 owing to age! But the problem is food REALLY cheers me up after a bad day, and the last thing I want to do when I work 7-7 is hit the pavements for a run especially in this never ending winter!
So Tuesday, when I was half way through my Kebab my other half feels fit to remind me of my "down-ward spiral" (he keeps dropping this phrase in) and then states QUOTE "I don’t fancy you anymore..."
Like seriously WTF? On the one hand I do feel fat even though I know size 12 (UK) is not particularly large, and I feel ashamed with a small sense that he is right! But on the other hand he knows I've had a tough few months and ALSO that I am already trying to lose weight and am no happy with my appearance. How on earth does he think such a statement is going to help!? Maybe his tactic is to bully me into change - and I most probably will feel more happy and confident once I return to my regime BUT it's not for him to dictate, and it's certainly not helped me in the short term....I just want to hide away now.
He left for a work trip the day after and he will return tonight, which I am dreading. We have only exchanged a handful of cold texts and he has categorically stated that he is not sorry for what he said because its the truth! Obviously he said he still "loves" me - but we aren't 75yrs old - love alone is not enough so early into our journey. So my issue now is where do we go from here? I am so hurt by his comments and how do we have a future if he stops fancying me only 5 years in, just 6 months engaged?! I cant help but feels its the beginning of the end because now I will only be all the more insecure and embarrassed around him, which is clearly already affecting our relationship…..
Thanks for reading my long and pretty boring story – I wanted to share it here because if I share it with a friend or family they might think badly of him, which I don’t really want because this is probably his only vice – exercise is his “thing”.
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Replies
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I don't have any advice, as you're the one in the situation, and it's you who knows him, so you'll have the best feel for how things may go.
My thought was at least he was honest though, some people may say he's a jerk or mean or whatever, but to me it is better to be truthful than to string someone along, and just make the pain worse later on. Whilst it may not feel nice now, imagine if he dropped that bombshell when you've just got married. just had a child etc...0 -
Personally, if my BF (of 10 years) would gain 20 lbs I would also fancy him less than I do now. I love his well shaped buttocks and I'm sure they'd be gone. And I'm guessing if you're honest with yourself you probably would also have less of a physical attraction to your fiancé if he gained a lot of weight. Love, that's another matter as he said himself. But physical attraction is, well, physical. So you appearance has a lot of influence on that.
This doesn't make it fun to hear (I'd be horrified if my bf told me, actually, I was when he did) but it does make it true. And wouldn't you rather he's honest and open about the subject rather than pretend it doesn't matter?
I would try to avoid getting to emotional about it, or see it as a bullying tactic. I'm guessing it was just something on his mind that popped out. And it is up to you to determine what to do with it. You might for example sit down with him and find out how he can help you get back into healthy eating and exercising. Perhaps he can have a healthy meal ready for you if you're having a long day at work or in traffic jams.0 -
Thats very insensitive I would NEVER repeat NEVER say that to my fiance, she has also gained maybe 14lbs since we met 5 years ago but I don't love her any less or am I less attracted to her.
Its kind of selfish, not understanding and superficial.Even if what he said was true maybe its more the manor in how unlovingly he chose to deliver it.
I have learned the hard way about how I say things and thinking from another perspective and not as a male just as a person in general.
Regardless of your relationship issues find your own strength in life and live in the present moment. 5 minutes of meditation in the morning lunch and at night can make a difference an de -stress you.0 -
I could sense the tension, I knew he wasn't happy with my choices that night, and voices he has been "disappointed" with my lack of enthusiasm for exercise and diet for several months now.
This is what has stuck with me. I had a fiance like that and he was a bully too. I was constantly scared of how he would react to my every move and did everything I could to try to change myself to please him. It made me so unhappy.
Whether he fancies you or not I don't think it's the issue. It was about him having power over you and making you feel like *kitten*.
This is just my opinion but you are young and beautiful and deserve to have someone who thinks the sun shines from you.0 -
I personally feel that love should be love, regardless of whether you can fit into your pants. What's he going to say when you have trouble losing the weight after you've had babies?? To say something so hurtful when he knows you've been having a tough time, I would be re-evaluating, Have a sit down with him and see what he says. It seems to me that a couple that is about to be married should be head over heels in love, without any criticism toward each other's physical appearance.0
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you are taking the first step by think about what he said. for exercise maybe try something that you like. for me when i don't feel like doing anything i just try dancing to music that i like. best of luck to you.0
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If it were me, I'd be gone so fast you'd see one of those people-shaped holes in the wall. On the other hand, if that's not the solution you want, I'd try couples therapy. His behaviour is controlling and ultimately he's being emotionally abusive. Is that the kind of marriage you were hoping for?0
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Probably cold but It sounds like it's already over to me. But it has more to do with insecurities and being able to feel comfortable with the one you're with rather than the actual weight.
Red flag to me.0 -
I would be worried about the future. If you are planning children with this man, how will he behave towards you post-partum with baby-weight , stretchmarks, any longterm changes in your breasts/stomach? Or indeed just as you both get older?
The amount of weight you have put on is not huge. And it doesn't sound very healthy for you to have been regularly missing meals when you were following his regime.
At the same time, I don't think it's good for you to be seeking comfort through food. But - is it that there is a lack of support within the relationship, which has led to you comfort-eating? If it's purely external pressures, that's one thing, but if you don't get your emotional needs met within the relationship and that has led to comfort eating, then he's the author of his own discontent. And you'd be better off without.0 -
Hmm. I don't think any of this sounds very supportive from his side.
If you really want to lose the weight for yourself, what I would do is go and start some excercise classes on your own, take some of the pressure off. But maybe you guys really enjoy your time running together, I like my own space to do my own things but not everyone is the same.0 -
You are the same weight and dress size as when he met you and when you started dating.
Maybe it"s different for men who are very visual but i fancied my other half when he was 6 stone heavier and i still do now that he"s lost weight.
The disappointed remark stuck with me too, just doesn't sit right with me.xx0 -
He should not treat you like that. There is other ways to go about it. Thats just mean. And can you see yourself living though that for years and years. That dont sound like a healthy relationship!0
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I am so sorry
I can't offer any advice I'm afraid. If it were me I would really calmly ask to talk to him tonight, sit him down and just explain how you feel now, generally and how he made you feel when he said that. Tell him it doesn't help and makers you feel a hundred times worse and that is more likely to make you turn to food.
You need to feel good in yourself before you can start to motivate yourself to exercise an make better food choices. Tell him he isn't helping that?
Either way I'm in the uk too and currently hovering between a 12 and 10 and aiming to be a solid 10.
If you want you can add me
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well said get healthy for yourselfI would be worried about the future. If you are planning children with this man, how will he behave towards you post-partum with baby-weight , stretchmarks, any longterm changes in your breasts/stomach? Or indeed just as you both get older?
The amount of weight you have put on is not huge. And it doesn't sound very healthy for you to have been regularly missing meals when you were following his regime.
I don't think it's good for you to be seeking comfort through food.
Is it that there is a lack of support within the relationship, which has led to you comfort-eating? If it's purely external pressures, that's one thing, but if you don't get your emotional needs met within the relationship and that has led to comfort eating, then he's somewhat the author of his own discontent.0 -
I totally sympathise with you as have also been told this by my bf (although he said it was to do with his depression etc etc and not me, but hell, it still hurts like b*ggery!).
Anyway, I guess for your own peace of mind you need to get him to be honest with you and find out if he really wants to be with you etc.
However, you should also ask him to support you more, like someone else mentioned perhaps he could get the dinner done if he knows you're going to be late from work. Or if you don't fancy a run, then he could offer to go for a short walk with you instead.
It sounds like the issue is more with him rather than with you, although obviously it has a massive impact on you. Best to tell him how it's made you feel, get him to be honest and find out if he wants to work with you to make things better rather than against you.0 -
My SO has seen me miserable, morbidly obese but would never have said that to me. If he gained weight I'd see right through it to to the person I love. Support all the way. If he'd have ever said anything like that to me, it would have completely crushed me. It's not just that it's honest though...saying I don't fancy you has a sense of finality to it. How long is he going to give you before he does fancy you again? 6 months, 20lbs? Seriously...is turning that statement around as simple as that? I think you know the answer and it's going to involve a lot of pain. Maybe you'll do what you think he wants but will you ever trust him to be a soft place to land when the rest of the world around you turns to s*it?0
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Reading through your responses, you've had a mixture of replies. I tend to agree with both points being made here. Your fiancé should love you regardless, especially when it's just 20lbs. I know it may seem like a lot but it really isn't, 20lbs doesn't turn you into a completely different personal (physically).40-50lbs, I would understand where he is coming from but I think he is being a little harsh and trying to put some tough love on you to help motivate you.
In one way, you have to applaud his honesty and you are fortunate to have a man who is willing to be that honest with you as some men wouldn't say anything and would just stray away from home because they don't find their partner attractive anymore. That happens a lot more than people realise.
I think you should talk openly with him about how it's made you feel and explain you want to get back into the regime but need some positive encouragement rather than negative.
Also, you need to be doing this for you and not for him. If you aren't happy with yourself, make changes. A kebab for dinner isn't going to make those changes and although you picked something up quickly, you and I both know a kebab was not the healthiest choice you could have picked.
Try to see this as a positive rather than a negative and rather than posting on here how upset you are, sit down and have an honest conversation with him about it.0 -
My thought was at least he was honest though, some people may say he's a jerk or mean or whatever, but to me it is better to be truthful than to string someone along, and just make the pain worse later on. Whilst it may not feel nice now, imagine if he dropped that bombshell when you've just got married. just had a child etc...
i kind of agree with this. my husband and i have had this conversation, as he has friends who now have very overweight partners and it makes for a very awkward 'do you really need that extra slice of pizza' conversation, but surely say something before the other person becomes physically unattractive?
might be too personal a question but how often are you intimate? has that stopped recently?
you need to talk about it, but i dont see why you would want to stay with someone who says they dont fancy you?0 -
When I gained weight my boyfriend (of 3 years) i'm sure fancied me less but he would NEVER have told me! He always said that he would help me to lose weight if I wanted to but NEVER did he say that he didnt think i was beautiful, he told me i was all the time.
He is bigger now and I still fancy him because I love him and he loves me unconditionally. That is way more attractive than the size of his belly!
Marriage is for life. Hopefully his s*** attitude isn't or you are going to be unhappy and nervous about your looks forever. What is he going to do or think if you have a baby!!!
Good luck in whatever happens but don't let him make you think youre not gorgeous. You are wonderful just the way you are because you are you!0 -
I could sense the tension, I knew he wasn't happy with my choices that night, and voices he has been "disappointed" with my lack of enthusiasm for exercise and diet for several months now.
This is what has stuck with me. I had a fiance like that and he was a bully too. I was constantly scared of how he would react to my every move and did everything I could to try to change myself to please him. It made me so unhappy.
Whether he fancies you or not I don't think it's the issue. It was about him having power over you and making you feel like *kitten*.
This is just my opinion but you are young and beautiful and deserve to have someone who thinks the sun shines from you.
also i agree with all this0 -
This man is a bully and clearly doesn't have any respect for you.
I was in a situation much like yours , took me ages to realise it was never going to work so spent years being unhappy and battling with my demons. I moved back home found myself again and went on to marry my soulmate.
Why anyone would want to be with someone who makes them feel like that is now beyond me.
You know you have put on weight but please don't try and lose it to please him , do it for yourself.0 -
If and only if you never plan to have kids (in which case get him sterilized) it might be worthwhile to stick around and lose the weight, since you aren't happy with your current appearance, either.
But if you want kids, ditch him. He's going to treat you like crap and probably dump you or cheat on you after he sees what that does to your body. It isn't pretty and it doesn't always go away no matter what you do!0 -
Classic control freak. It's an expectation, when we say "for better or worse" that yes, sometimes we gain a bit of weight in our lives. He might do the same at some point. And a UK size 12 is about an 8-10 in the US... not fat at all!
I believe there are other issues with this guy. Does he have other "expectations" of you? A friend of mine is married to a guy like this, and she has to. Vacuume every day, has to stay below a. Size 6, and has to stay within a strict budget, even though they have plenty of money. Any therapist would say the guy is controlling and that's a bit on the unhealthy side.
If it was me, I'd much rather be with someone who treated me nicely, even if I'd had a bad few months at work. You're extremely beautiful and you could have your pick of any man. This guy is a waste of your time.0 -
DO NOT MARRY THIS GUY, whatever you do. :noway:0
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Life is all about change. Change happens. Some for the better...and some not.
But you have to decide what's best for you. The truth hurts because of the way it's presented.
Only you know what you have to do. You know how you feel internally about it.
Dig deep and find the answer. This isn't so much about him. But about you.
No matter what you have to live with you, even with him there or not.
Always be true to yourself. You are all you have when it comes to life. Everybody else is filler.
[Speaking from personal experience.]0 -
Well it seems to me that you need a good heart to heart with him, he's expressed his feelings and now you need to do the same to him to see if together u can work through this or not. Also although you were 20lbs lighter and exercising more before you weren't leading a very healthy lifestyle by skipping all those meals, sounds like you don't need to lose any weight just need to firm up and enjoy your life, your body and YOUR choices, you need to love yourself for who you are and not what you weigh.
Don't know if any of that helps, but good luck with it all.0 -
Well, simply put...I fancy you! you look great.0
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He's a Douche. Consider yourself lucky you found that out before yo married him. RUN! Run fast, run far....0
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Well, good thing you found out he was a jerk before you tied the knot!0
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If and only if you never plan to have kids (in which case get him sterilized) it might be worthwhile to stick around and lose the weight, since you aren't happy with your current appearance, either.
Isn't that a bit selfish, especially as they're both still young and not even married?
If YOU choose not to have kids, surely YOU get sterilised, and if HE chooses not to have kids, HE gets sterilised.0
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