My Fiance doesn't "Fancy" me anymore!? :-(
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This man is a bully and clearly doesn't have any respect for you.
I was in a situation much like yours , took me ages to realise it was never going to work so spent years being unhappy and battling with my demons. I moved back home found myself again and went on to marry my soulmate.
Why anyone would want to be with someone who makes them feel like that is now beyond me.
You know you have put on weight but please don't try and lose it to please him , do it for yourself.0 -
If and only if you never plan to have kids (in which case get him sterilized) it might be worthwhile to stick around and lose the weight, since you aren't happy with your current appearance, either.
But if you want kids, ditch him. He's going to treat you like crap and probably dump you or cheat on you after he sees what that does to your body. It isn't pretty and it doesn't always go away no matter what you do!0 -
Classic control freak. It's an expectation, when we say "for better or worse" that yes, sometimes we gain a bit of weight in our lives. He might do the same at some point. And a UK size 12 is about an 8-10 in the US... not fat at all!
I believe there are other issues with this guy. Does he have other "expectations" of you? A friend of mine is married to a guy like this, and she has to. Vacuume every day, has to stay below a. Size 6, and has to stay within a strict budget, even though they have plenty of money. Any therapist would say the guy is controlling and that's a bit on the unhealthy side.
If it was me, I'd much rather be with someone who treated me nicely, even if I'd had a bad few months at work. You're extremely beautiful and you could have your pick of any man. This guy is a waste of your time.0 -
DO NOT MARRY THIS GUY, whatever you do. :noway:0
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Life is all about change. Change happens. Some for the better...and some not.
But you have to decide what's best for you. The truth hurts because of the way it's presented.
Only you know what you have to do. You know how you feel internally about it.
Dig deep and find the answer. This isn't so much about him. But about you.
No matter what you have to live with you, even with him there or not.
Always be true to yourself. You are all you have when it comes to life. Everybody else is filler.
[Speaking from personal experience.]0 -
Well it seems to me that you need a good heart to heart with him, he's expressed his feelings and now you need to do the same to him to see if together u can work through this or not. Also although you were 20lbs lighter and exercising more before you weren't leading a very healthy lifestyle by skipping all those meals, sounds like you don't need to lose any weight just need to firm up and enjoy your life, your body and YOUR choices, you need to love yourself for who you are and not what you weigh.
Don't know if any of that helps, but good luck with it all.0 -
Well, simply put...I fancy you! you look great.0
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He's a Douche. Consider yourself lucky you found that out before yo married him. RUN! Run fast, run far....0
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Well, good thing you found out he was a jerk before you tied the knot!0
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If and only if you never plan to have kids (in which case get him sterilized) it might be worthwhile to stick around and lose the weight, since you aren't happy with your current appearance, either.
Isn't that a bit selfish, especially as they're both still young and not even married?
If YOU choose not to have kids, surely YOU get sterilised, and if HE chooses not to have kids, HE gets sterilised.0 -
It might not be the popular thing to say but I kind of see his point, 20lb (almost a stone and a half) is a substantial gain. I would appreciate my SO's honesty if I had gained weight and he was finding himself less attracted to me. At least he's giving you a chance to know how he feels at this stage and he's not out looking for a woman he finds more attractive!
Part of being in a couple is caring enough about your SO to maintain a level of attractiveness because you should care whether he fancies you or not. It's not just for yourself.
Personally I would still find my SO attractive if he gained weight, but within reason of course, I'd still love him naturally and your fiance didn't say he doesn't 'love' you anymore, just physically you've let it go....but you already know that.
Use it as fuel, you're not happy with your weight gain either, just put down the kebab and sort it out.0 -
If it were me, I'd be gone so fast you'd see one of those people-shaped holes in the wall. On the other hand, if that's not the solution you want, I'd try couples therapy. His behaviour is controlling and ultimately he's being emotionally abusive. Is that the kind of marriage you were hoping for?
I concur. He sounds like a major jerk & by the sound of things, has been a jerk to you before. I would think about the kind of people you want in your life; a loving relationship includes support & communication.0 -
Ask yourself one question, do you still fancy him when he makes you feel so good about yourself? You are size 12, that is nothing to feel bad about. As long as you are healthy and feel comfortable with yourself, you obviously have other things taking your attention like earning a living which you should be proud of yourself for and so should your fiance. I think his comments are more likely to make your self esteem drop and then you will loose your sense of self worth. Look at the bigger picture, do you really make each other happy, are you happy as you are and for you want to be a size 8-10 for yourself or someone else? Good luck whatever happens but you look fine to me0
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:noway: He might mean it well - considering that he is into healthy stuff himself. But please, please, please, if you feel really hurt by his comment (as I would, personally), DO NOT LET IT FLY BY. Sit down with him and tell him that sort of behaviour will not be tolerated. Especially when you are a size 12. Eating disorders have started for more banal reasons. Ask yourself whether its him or you who is unhappy with your shape. If all this grief and pressure is coming from him, then tell him to go where the sun doesn't shine. What will he say next when you have children, get stretchmarks, GET OLD?...0
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Sounds like you guys need some counseling. But I think that while it may have been hard to hear that he doesn't fancy you anymore (whatever that means) that it could just be his way of trying to honestly tell you his feelings and communicate his concerns to you. Which is actually a very good quality in a mate. A lot of guys would just keep their feelings bottled up and fester in silence.0
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First you're hot. Second pack his crap up and leave it on the lawn. (If you want to be real spiteful, sleep with his best friend). Then find a guy that will like you for you and not just the aesthetics. Sounds like this guy is shallow and it's making you eat unhealthy, don't skip meals, just eat healthier foods. Good luck.0
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Just break up.
And I say that in all seriousness.
I was married to a guy like that. It never changes, it never gets better. It will drain every ounce of YOU away.
You're lucky you found out BEFORE you married him.
The guy I'm seeing right now has made it clear with words AND actions that he finds me beautiful, sexy and desireable regardless of whether I stay my current size, gain or lose (LOSE is all I'm planning on, but I love his support).
Looks come and go. Weight comes and goes. The person you marry should be marrying you regardless of your outward appearance. What if you *God forbid* had a tragic, disfiguring accident? Would he leave you?
Your journey to health and fitness needs to be for YOU only.0 -
Ok, I read & re-read your post before I write this to make sure I understood.
First, you sound fine & lovely at the size you were & are. I would trade you in a heartbeat love, I've NEVER been a size 10.
Second, your man sounds, IMO, like a bully and an inconsiderate *kitten*. The reasoning I say this more than anything else was your statement of, "starving myself with my new addiction to the bathroom scales usually skipping dinners 5 days a week" was something that he seemed to approve and be happy with.
It's one thing to want your partner to be healthy & maybe do some exercise, but there is a point where lines can be crossed. Yes, he may be truthful, but it also sounds like he's shallow and alittle over controlling. He sounds like he's one of those people who only cares about outside appearances over what is inside people.
It may have been 5 years, but you have to stop and ask yourself - if he's "not fancying" you because you gained 20 lbs (due to stress, schooling, work and life in general) what's he gonna do if or when you get married and possibly have a child? Is he gonna try "controlling" you in pregnancy to keep your size as small as he "fancy's"?
You have to find these answers yourself. He may be honest, but it doesn't seem that he cares about what YOU NEED, how YOU fell and how to support you. A couple are to support each other, not control & belittle each other over minor things.
I sincerely hope you can find your answers, good luck and take care of yourself.0 -
I can sympathise with you entirely. From my point of view he met you when you were this size right it's just in the time you've been together you've lost and regained that weight. Why did you lose the weight in the first place? Was it under his influence or of your of volition?
I'm a comfort eater to and having a rough time in any part of my life certainly affects my eating. If you're having a difficult time maybe try doing different things in the evening together, if he wants to exercise try something other than running. How about a netball club or hockey, even swimming? Maybe socialising/exercising with people other than your fiancé will cheer you up after a rubbish day at work.
Ultimately if you aren't happy with the way you are he should be more supportive, if you know it's just a phase and once work improves you feel you can get in under control then he should still support you. Tell him how you feel in a calm way, be honest and open, say how hurt you are and tell him exactly what you want from him in terms of support, that would be my first step. Do you want him to cook more? I'm sick of weighing and entering everything on here so getting my OH to do it more often really helps. Do you want to run with him? Do you want to do different things as a couple? Do you want to talk about it with him or don't you want him to bring it up?
Secondly if your job situation is having such a large impact on your life start looking for new work, easier said than done atm I know!! Thirdly decide if this is just a blip in you're relationship or a more serious underlying problem. Are you arguing because you're both having difficult times individually? Look at your personal unhappiness and your unhappiness in the relationship differently, is one affecting the other? I know my fiancé has and would never say anything like that to me, I have gained stones since we got together and he is being really supportive with my lifestyle changes, and I am slowly losing weight. He has never once mentioned my weight not even when I when we got together and I was slim. That's something I don't think I could accept and it has clearly upset you, can you forgive him and move on?
Best of luck and try talking to him, posting on here will not solve anything in the long run, though it provides a good ground for peoples opinion.0 -
Hi! I'm not engaged, but I'm going through a similar thing right now too. I can't tell you what to do, but here's my advice and how I'm going about it:
I'm not focusing on the negative things or the hurtful words said -after all, his expectations or thoughts about me are actually nothing to do with me at all. They are his business, not mine. If such thoughts are causing him to be judgemental or cold, I give him space to breathe and don't take it personally. Just because someone gives you some negativity doesn't mean you have to take it. I have more important things to focus on right now, and I'm sure you do too. Letting things like that get to you will only take you away from your goals.
I know it's difficult, but by not reacting to his negativity, it shows that it has no power over me and cannot be used as a weapon against me. This doesn't mean being a doormat, it means refusing to deviate from your goals. Keep focused.
You want your fiance to accept you the way you are, right at this moment, right? So accept him. Accept his judgemental crap, his mean comments, and know that they have absolutely NOTHING to do with you. He must be in a lot of pain trying to control someone other than himself - it's impossible! He'll soon find that out.
In the end, he will either realise that he isn't being supportive or productive, or you will separate. I know you probably don't want the latter, but whatever happens will be the best possible outcome for you. Just be yourself, and do what you want! You should never have to justify that.
P.S. Although your man does sound like an *kitten* in the context of this behaviour, don't be influenced by people telling you to break up with him just because they're only seeing him in this light. I completely understand how this feels, which is why I never tell anyone if I'm having a hiccup in my relationship. It's too easy for people to say "leave him" and make it seem like there is some perfect man out there, when there isn't. If the pros outweigh the cons, and overall you're happy, there's no reason to leave, just lay down some boundaries and keep him in check.0
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