My Fiance doesn't "Fancy" me anymore!? :-(
Replies
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It might not be the popular thing to say but I kind of see his point, 20lb (almost a stone and a half) is a substantial gain. I would appreciate my SO's honesty if I had gained weight and he was finding himself less attracted to me. At least he's giving you a chance to know how he feels at this stage and he's not out looking for a woman he finds more attractive!
Part of being in a couple is caring enough about your SO to maintain a level of attractiveness because you should care whether he fancies you or not. It's not just for yourself.
Personally I would still find my SO attractive if he gained weight, but within reason of course, I'd still love him naturally and your fiance didn't say he doesn't 'love' you anymore, just physically you've let it go....but you already know that.
Use it as fuel, you're not happy with your weight gain either, just put down the kebab and sort it out.0 -
If it were me, I'd be gone so fast you'd see one of those people-shaped holes in the wall. On the other hand, if that's not the solution you want, I'd try couples therapy. His behaviour is controlling and ultimately he's being emotionally abusive. Is that the kind of marriage you were hoping for?
I concur. He sounds like a major jerk & by the sound of things, has been a jerk to you before. I would think about the kind of people you want in your life; a loving relationship includes support & communication.0 -
Ask yourself one question, do you still fancy him when he makes you feel so good about yourself? You are size 12, that is nothing to feel bad about. As long as you are healthy and feel comfortable with yourself, you obviously have other things taking your attention like earning a living which you should be proud of yourself for and so should your fiance. I think his comments are more likely to make your self esteem drop and then you will loose your sense of self worth. Look at the bigger picture, do you really make each other happy, are you happy as you are and for you want to be a size 8-10 for yourself or someone else? Good luck whatever happens but you look fine to me
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:noway: He might mean it well - considering that he is into healthy stuff himself. But please, please, please, if you feel really hurt by his comment (as I would, personally), DO NOT LET IT FLY BY. Sit down with him and tell him that sort of behaviour will not be tolerated. Especially when you are a size 12. Eating disorders have started for more banal reasons. Ask yourself whether its him or you who is unhappy with your shape. If all this grief and pressure is coming from him, then tell him to go where the sun doesn't shine. What will he say next when you have children, get stretchmarks, GET OLD?...0
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Sounds like you guys need some counseling. But I think that while it may have been hard to hear that he doesn't fancy you anymore (whatever that means) that it could just be his way of trying to honestly tell you his feelings and communicate his concerns to you. Which is actually a very good quality in a mate. A lot of guys would just keep their feelings bottled up and fester in silence.0
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First you're hot. Second pack his crap up and leave it on the lawn. (If you want to be real spiteful, sleep with his best friend). Then find a guy that will like you for you and not just the aesthetics. Sounds like this guy is shallow and it's making you eat unhealthy, don't skip meals, just eat healthier foods. Good luck.0
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Just break up.
And I say that in all seriousness.
I was married to a guy like that. It never changes, it never gets better. It will drain every ounce of YOU away.
You're lucky you found out BEFORE you married him.
The guy I'm seeing right now has made it clear with words AND actions that he finds me beautiful, sexy and desireable regardless of whether I stay my current size, gain or lose (LOSE is all I'm planning on, but I love his support).
Looks come and go. Weight comes and goes. The person you marry should be marrying you regardless of your outward appearance. What if you *God forbid* had a tragic, disfiguring accident? Would he leave you?
Your journey to health and fitness needs to be for YOU only.0 -
Ok, I read & re-read your post before I write this to make sure I understood.
First, you sound fine & lovely at the size you were & are. I would trade you in a heartbeat love, I've NEVER been a size 10.
Second, your man sounds, IMO, like a bully and an inconsiderate *kitten*. The reasoning I say this more than anything else was your statement of, "starving myself with my new addiction to the bathroom scales usually skipping dinners 5 days a week" was something that he seemed to approve and be happy with.
It's one thing to want your partner to be healthy & maybe do some exercise, but there is a point where lines can be crossed. Yes, he may be truthful, but it also sounds like he's shallow and alittle over controlling. He sounds like he's one of those people who only cares about outside appearances over what is inside people.
It may have been 5 years, but you have to stop and ask yourself - if he's "not fancying" you because you gained 20 lbs (due to stress, schooling, work and life in general) what's he gonna do if or when you get married and possibly have a child? Is he gonna try "controlling" you in pregnancy to keep your size as small as he "fancy's"?
You have to find these answers yourself. He may be honest, but it doesn't seem that he cares about what YOU NEED, how YOU fell and how to support you. A couple are to support each other, not control & belittle each other over minor things.
I sincerely hope you can find your answers, good luck and take care of yourself.0 -
I can sympathise with you entirely. From my point of view he met you when you were this size right it's just in the time you've been together you've lost and regained that weight. Why did you lose the weight in the first place? Was it under his influence or of your of volition?
I'm a comfort eater to and having a rough time in any part of my life certainly affects my eating. If you're having a difficult time maybe try doing different things in the evening together, if he wants to exercise try something other than running. How about a netball club or hockey, even swimming? Maybe socialising/exercising with people other than your fiancé will cheer you up after a rubbish day at work.
Ultimately if you aren't happy with the way you are he should be more supportive, if you know it's just a phase and once work improves you feel you can get in under control then he should still support you. Tell him how you feel in a calm way, be honest and open, say how hurt you are and tell him exactly what you want from him in terms of support, that would be my first step. Do you want him to cook more? I'm sick of weighing and entering everything on here so getting my OH to do it more often really helps. Do you want to run with him? Do you want to do different things as a couple? Do you want to talk about it with him or don't you want him to bring it up?
Secondly if your job situation is having such a large impact on your life start looking for new work, easier said than done atm I know!! Thirdly decide if this is just a blip in you're relationship or a more serious underlying problem. Are you arguing because you're both having difficult times individually? Look at your personal unhappiness and your unhappiness in the relationship differently, is one affecting the other? I know my fiancé has and would never say anything like that to me, I have gained stones since we got together and he is being really supportive with my lifestyle changes, and I am slowly losing weight. He has never once mentioned my weight not even when I when we got together and I was slim. That's something I don't think I could accept and it has clearly upset you, can you forgive him and move on?
Best of luck and try talking to him, posting on here will not solve anything in the long run, though it provides a good ground for peoples opinion.0 -
Hi! I'm not engaged, but I'm going through a similar thing right now too. I can't tell you what to do, but here's my advice and how I'm going about it:
I'm not focusing on the negative things or the hurtful words said -after all, his expectations or thoughts about me are actually nothing to do with me at all. They are his business, not mine. If such thoughts are causing him to be judgemental or cold, I give him space to breathe and don't take it personally. Just because someone gives you some negativity doesn't mean you have to take it. I have more important things to focus on right now, and I'm sure you do too. Letting things like that get to you will only take you away from your goals.
I know it's difficult, but by not reacting to his negativity, it shows that it has no power over me and cannot be used as a weapon against me. This doesn't mean being a doormat, it means refusing to deviate from your goals. Keep focused.
You want your fiance to accept you the way you are, right at this moment, right? So accept him. Accept his judgemental crap, his mean comments, and know that they have absolutely NOTHING to do with you. He must be in a lot of pain trying to control someone other than himself - it's impossible! He'll soon find that out.
In the end, he will either realise that he isn't being supportive or productive, or you will separate. I know you probably don't want the latter, but whatever happens will be the best possible outcome for you. Just be yourself, and do what you want! You should never have to justify that.
P.S. Although your man does sound like an *kitten* in the context of this behaviour, don't be influenced by people telling you to break up with him just because they're only seeing him in this light. I completely understand how this feels, which is why I never tell anyone if I'm having a hiccup in my relationship. It's too easy for people to say "leave him" and make it seem like there is some perfect man out there, when there isn't. If the pros outweigh the cons, and overall you're happy, there's no reason to leave, just lay down some boundaries and keep him in check.0 -
the advice i am going to give you has probably been said, and its not easy to do but you need to tell him that if he doesn't fancy you anymore, to go find someone else and let you do the same because from your picture you are a beautiful woman and there are plenty of guys out there that will appreciate you for who you are not for someone THEY want you to be!
if you lose weight and get fit, it is FOR YOU not for anybody else! you are too nice to be treated like that!! Dont allow it0 -
Perhaps you could have used the time spent waiting for the shish to cook and travelling back from the shop in;
Taking pieces of skinless chicken from a bag in the fridge where they've been marinating in lemon juice all day, dropping in a hot pan with no oil (add a splash of water if it sticks), then putting large amounts of salad on a plate, perhaps on top of a wholemeal wrap/chapatti. Once the meat cooks, tip it onto the veg and add a small amount of 0% greek yoghurt.
I live 80 yards from a kebab shop. I can guarantee that my version will be cooked quicker and with less standing around that it would take to walk there, order it, wait for it to be cooked, pay and walk back. And it'll be far cheaper.
You probably feel more tired if you're eating less healthily, and don't forget how much energy exercise can give you.
Having said that, your bloke's a prat and I'd be looking elsewhere for a less unpleasant man - because it sounds like he's looking elsewhere himself.0 -
Wow, not the best choice of words at all. Maybe he's hurt because he really enjoys running with you and sharing his love for fitness with you. Hope things get better ..0
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:flowerforyou:
Don't let it get you down, it was a tactless thing to say, but no one is perfect! Have you talked to him about how you feel? He probably doesn't realise quite how you are feeling. He may think his comments would motivate you, but if it's had the opposite effect you should let him know that.
I know exactly what you mean about feeling fat at a size 12. I'm 5' (just) and always feel big when I'm a 12. It's tough staying motivated to keep fit while working hard, I run a business and have 2 teenagers so finding time for me and exercise is tough. Food always used to be my comfort blanket too, and to some extent still is....I once ate a pack of 4 cream eclairs in one sitting and was disgusted with myself afterwards. I still treat myself when I'm low but wit something more sensible like a piece of carrot cake so I don't beat myself up the next day for ruining the diet.
The kebab doesn't sound like pigging out to me...Don't be bullied, and don't hide away be proud of what you have achieved both staying fit and with work/study, it's a balancing act and very hard to keep on top of all the elements in life.0 -
I would be worried about the future. If you are planning children with this man, how will he behave towards you post-partum with baby-weight , stretchmarks, any longterm changes in your breasts/stomach? Or indeed just as you both get older?
My thoughts exactly. I was 127 lbs when my husband and I met 12 yrs ago and after 3 children I got up to 220!! Of course I don't think he was fond of my weight but he would never, ever say anything to upset me in regards to my appearance. Now that I am losing he still is quiet on the topic. Yes, you should be with someone supportive who also inspires you by enjoying exercise/healthy eating with you but is not a nazi and staring you down as you are eating your kabob. You are beautiful and not obese by any means so don't let this guy push you towards an eating disorder!0 -
I will be married 34 years in August. I gained about 50 pounds in the last 20 - 25 years. During that time, my dear husband NEVER said a word about my weight gain and never made me feel as if I undesirable. Even though I knew differently, he has always told me that I am the most beautiful woman in the world. Now, I weigh about the same as I did when we married; he has been my biggest cheerleader through this journey, because he knew it was important to me. There are many things in life, besides weight gain, that can alter your appearance. I can't tell you what to do, but I would not want to be with someone so superficial.0
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I'm really really surprised at all the 'break up' 'run away while you still can' comments here. The OP said that exercise is the only thing he makes comments about. There's so much more to live than that. To me that's a lot more shallow and mean that saying _once_ that he doesn't fancy her anymore now. Yes, he's made some comments about needing to do eat healthier and work out more. I would hazard a guess that anyone in a steady relationship has made some comments along those lines at some point. Maybe not about health, but about cleaning up after yourself. About spending more time with the kids, about taking the dog for a walk, about not spending so much time in the pub. These are all similar comments.
Would you tell your friends hubby to run if he's asked to do more in the house? No, you advice them to work it out together. Same applies here.
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One different thing though. You said you've been having a busy time at work and studying for the last 18 months. I can see that being an excuse for 2 maybe 3 months. After that you've just got to take charge yourself and say OK my job and study take up this much time, how can I add in enough time for other important things?
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Ok, one more different thing. Perhaps he enjoyed exercising together with you and is it no just your body shape he's concerned about but also missing time together? Getting adrenaline pumping together is a sure fire way of getting attraction to someone. Just think about all those endorphins (happy stuff) he used to develop while working out with you.0 -
Having seen all the replies, in all seriousness, what is a guy supposed to do in this situation?
If he genuinely finds his partner unattractive due to weight gain?
A relationship is a 2 way thing, why is it OK for him to be unhappy, but not OK for his partner to be unhappy if he tells her truly how he feels?
I have a feeling that in most peoples minds he can't win, he will be called a jerk whether he lies or tells the truth.
I still don't know the answer, but every story has 2 sides, and is never usually as simple as it initially appears.0 -
I feel like you have two different issues here; relationship and fitness motivation. I cannot imagine someone telling me that they did not fancy me anymore and I have very little advice. It depends on who he is, but this is also a time in your relationship to learn how he will handle struggles. And is that how you want it to be?
Now, these are my words of encouragement. You have to love yourself before you can expect someone to love you. I understand coming home and not wanting to work out. However, you do have a choice but you need to make it in order to make you happy. Don't forget how good you feel after some cardio. And if you want to tone up, you can get all kinds of at home workouts that are 10/20 minute routines that will rock your whole body. The exercise will help you reduce stress and stress eating. (another plus for you) Also, I congratulate you in eating all your meals. You don't need to starve yourself, ever. It can stunt your metabolism and cause you to gain weight. Plus your body needs fuel and nutrition. Just make your calories count for you body's healthiness.
Your fiance said some very hurtful things and only you and him know if you all can get past those words. If you want to try to work on it, try to talk it out. Acknowledge the truth in what he has said, but try to convey how the statement affected you positively and negatively. Hopefully he will hear you out and try to improve. Also, could you ask him for help? Would he be willing to hit the gym with you? You may not be in the same shape and can do the same workout routines, but just having someone to go to the gym with you holds you accountable. Plus as a couple, it can be relationship building because you are finding something to do together. You can offer compliments when you see each other results. Going to the gym can be like a social outing and you find yourself enjoying one another's company.
Regardless of what happens with your fella, I encourage you to address your health and fitness for your own sake. If you are doing it for him, when you hit a slump, your relationship will be on the rocks again. Hang in there! Make the choices because you love yourself!0 -
hmm there are ways to encourage people and support them - this guy needs a good firm kick up the backside - if you're anything like me that sort of comment lasts way beyond you losing the weight and will probably always rear its ugly head when you are having a less confident day.
I don't know your relationship and i also know men can sometimes be very insensitive when making flippant comments but if it were me i'd make it very clear that you have a big issue with his response and if his explanation doesn't wash def make him suffer
At the end of the day every woman (and man) wants to know that they are the most beautiful and special person to the individual they have chosen to be with - a cruel and disparaging remark like the one your fiance made is unnecessary and can be disastrous to the foundation of your relationship, he really needs to find a way to regain your trust, confidence and belief in your self in terms of how you think he sees you
- as for you - I bet you're gorgeous and sod him - everyone has low periods when work is tough, i have the very same thing yearly during the months of feb-may and can totally sympathise with the feeling that you are letting yourself go and comfort eating / lack of exercise etc but its not forever - give yourself a break, you'll get back on track and be all the better for it. What you need to work out is if you can get back on track with your fiance.
Good luck 0 -
WTF? HE is an *kitten*!0
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Why would you want to be with a man who wants you to change before you are worthy enough of his love? No way. I'd be out of there in seconds, and then I'd work even harder towards looking amazing so he knows it wasn't for him, but for me.
i tend to find that if a man isn't happy with you at your current weight, he probably won't be any happier with you at a goal weight. There will still be something else that "needs" changed. He's a bully, and if the size of your jeans matters more to him than anything else, he's got his own issues and insecurities to deal with.
i met my boyfriend when I was 5 sizes and about 5 stone lighter than at my heaviest weight. You know what? He told me EVERY DAY how beautiful I was even when I weighed 261lbs! He's always complimenting me and judging by our bedroom activities he definitely still fancies me!
Seriously love, get rid of him and find someone who treats you as much more than just a number on a scale.0 -
My thought was at least he was honest though, some people may say he's a jerk or mean or whatever, but to me it is better to be truthful than to string someone along, and just make the pain worse later on. Whilst it may not feel nice now, imagine if he dropped that bombshell when you've just got married. just had a child etc...
As someone who had the unfortunate experience of being with someone for 10 years and married for 3 before he broke the news to me that he 'never loved me' I will tell you it is WAY better to find out the truth before you go through that. It took a very long time for me to be comfortable with myself again after that bombshell. I thank the powers that be every day that I never allowed him to convince me to have a child.
20 lbs is a 'normal' middle age spread so to speak. It is not an uncommon thing to gain a few pounds as you get comfortable in a relationship and heaven forbid you decide to have children.. You will gain at least 20 lbs and unless you are very lucky it will not come off immediately either. What will happen when you are a new mom, possibly with some postpartum blues, absolutely wrecked because you are not going to be sleeping more than 2 hours at a time for at least 6 months? That is when you will need someone to love you unconditionally, support you unconditionally and HELP you. It sounds like you are having to do this all on your own and all he is contributing to this journey are his hurtful comments.
This incident should have alarms going off in your head and huge red flags popping from every corner. You need to talk with him and possibly get some counselling - assuming you feel that this can be salvaged. Once something like that comes out it is likely to cause a lot of resentment and while you may feel that you are not 'getting any younger' there are plenty of people (myself included) who did not find their soul mates until they were well past their 'prime' - you are still very young
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Hi kezza8888
Your partner's an arsehole.
He should be giving you support not trying to control you nor emotionally undermining you.
Perhaps you should be giving him an ultimatum to treat you as an equal partner and to support you or hit the road.
There's more to a relationship than sex and love. There needs to be respect as well.
If there's a lack of respect then its best to call it quits because you'll be better off on your own.
Wishing you all the best,
Ben0 -
I could sense the tension, I knew he wasn't happy with my choices that night, and voices he has been "disappointed" with my lack of enthusiasm for exercise and diet for several months now.
This is what has stuck with me. I had a fiance like that and he was a bully too. I was constantly scared of how he would react to my every move and did everything I could to try to change myself to please him. It made me so unhappy.
Whether he fancies you or not I don't think it's the issue. It was about him having power over you and making you feel like *kitten*.
This is just my opinion but you are young and beautiful and deserve to have someone who thinks the sun shines from you.
this. you're skipping meals to make sure you stay a size that makes HIM happy (because you've clearly stated that food makes YOU happy). You seem scared of him and that isn't healthy.0 -
When you're healthy and you love someone and you want them to be healthy, you encourage them by saying things like, I dunno, "I love you and I want you to be healthy with me."
You don't say "I'm not attracted to you anymore."
If you're GENUINELY not attracted to someone and you can't be with them anymore, you break up with them. You don't get all passive-aggressive and tell them something super hurtful and then leave it up to them to do the heavy lifting.
Bodies change over time. Usually they get worse with age. Childbirth, disease, weight gain, etc. People don't get to stay hot until they're 75. That is a reality of life. If you're not prepared to weather that with someone, and you feel like it's your right to have them stay the same as the day you started dating, well, clearly you're not ready to be married. Maybe he can figure this out, but I think you have been given a huge warning sign that maybe you shouldn't marry this guy.0 -
Well it's better to know this now, than when you are married.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. But you'll be stronger in the end.
Probably more motivated as well.
Kick him in the curb, kick *kitten* and just know the next time you see him you'll look amazing and full of the confidence you deserve.0 -
Sounds like you need a new boyfriend. Being mean like that is not a motivator. Instead setting an example for you is by continuing what he is doing. You never want to lose weight for someone else it needs to be because you want to lose it. If he is that insenstive are you sure you want to marry the guy? I would think long and hard about it for sure.0
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Three days, on Tuesday night, ago after an awful 3 hour commute home from work, I bailed on a run with my Fiancé and picked up a Chicken Shish Kebab for dinner...Extra light mayo, chicken, pitta and salad! It was 8:45pm when I finally walked through the door and slumped on the sofa with my meal.
I could sense the tension, I knew he wasn't happy with my choices that night, and voices he has been "disappointed" with my lack of enthusiasm for exercise and diet for several months now. BUT he also knows I'm having a really hard time at work and I am pretty unhappy which is ultimately leading to my de-motivated attitude of late.
When we met I was between 147lb and 154lb and suitably happy/confident at the size 12 I had been for many years. But over time (5yrs together to date) I started to naturally fall into line with his exercise regime and healthier eating. I developed a passion for running and lost about 20lb dropping to a size 8-10 and also starving myself with my new addiction to the bathroom scales usually skipping dinners 5 days a week.....
Now after a turbulent 18months at work while studying part-time for a diploma (nights and weekends) I have re-gained those 20lb and I'm embarrassed by my appearance. 5 years ago I was a youthful, firmer size 12 - but now I guess I’m a pretty wobbly, lumpy & bumpy size 12 owing to age! But the problem is food REALLY cheers me up after a bad day, and the last thing I want to do when I work 7-7 is hit the pavements for a run especially in this never ending winter!
So Tuesday, when I was half way through my Kebab my other half feels fit to remind me of my "down-ward spiral" (he keeps dropping this phrase in) and then states QUOTE "I don’t fancy you anymore..."
Like seriously WTF? On the one hand I do feel fat even though I know size 12 (UK) is not particularly large, and I feel ashamed with a small sense that he is right! But on the other hand he knows I've had a tough few months and ALSO that I am already trying to lose weight and am no happy with my appearance. How on earth does he think such a statement is going to help!? Maybe his tactic is to bully me into change - and I most probably will feel more happy and confident once I return to my regime BUT it's not for him to dictate, and it's certainly not helped me in the short term....I just want to hide away now.
He left for a work trip the day after and he will return tonight, which I am dreading. We have only exchanged a handful of cold texts and he has categorically stated that he is not sorry for what he said because its the truth! Obviously he said he still "loves" me - but we aren't 75yrs old - love alone is not enough so early into our journey. So my issue now is where do we go from here? I am so hurt by his comments and how do we have a future if he stops fancying me only 5 years in, just 6 months engaged?! I cant help but feels its the beginning of the end because now I will only be all the more insecure and embarrassed around him, which is clearly already affecting our relationship…..
Thanks for reading my long and pretty boring story – I wanted to share it here because if I share it with a friend or family they might think badly of him, which I don’t really want because this is probably his only vice – exercise is his “thing”.
good lord..I am sorry but a relationship has to have more than looks. He should know that your 'downward spiral' is progress the rest of the population could never even come close to matching. I don't know if he likes you for the way you look or that you have some psychotic obsession with fitness. He sounds like a bit of bully and wants to control who you are. I hope I am wrong, but if these signs are showing before you get married, you might not have the happy ever after that you deserve.
Diet and exercise are a lifestyle and not a jail term..dump him, you are avery attractive young woman who deserves more.0 -
My thought is that he is a douche nozzle, tool, *kitten* (insert any other rude term here!)! If he loves you and wants to spend his life with you then he should accept you for who you are, not what he thinks you should be. You should not be made to feel that you are less worthy because of this. Only you can make the changes, good or bad and he should not dictate this to you. I know it isn't easy but I think you already know that it is over. I gained over 50 pounds after my (now) husband and I got together..... he never said a single word to me about it. THAT is what loving someone is about. I wish you well and hope you figure out things, for yourself, not him!0
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