It was an accident (pics)

I’d love to say that I started all of this because of health concerns or because I was tired of being fat, or because I wanted to look good, or anything that begins so many inspiring stories. The truth is, I started completely by accident – because of a squirrel. Most of this is in my profile, but here's a recap:

I ran in high school & college because I enjoyed it, it kept me healthy and it cleared my head and kept me calm. While in college, I survived a brutal assault during which I was held captive, tortured and raped. It took several weeks for the wounds to heal and needing to clear my head more than ever before, I started running again. I was quickly stricken with shin splints. Although shin splits are not earth shattering, at the time I barely had the emotional fortitude to carry on with things that were working – I certainly didn’t have the strength to work through things that weren’t. So running became added to the long list of things my attacker took from me and I moved on.

Fast forward 19 years and a staggering 95 pounds to the fall of 2011 when I was walking one of our dogs. Ordinarily, when he spots a squirrel, goose, duck or other “prey”, he starts squirming and if no one is around, we’ll let him off the leash to chase whatever wild game has caught his attention. The particular squirrel that day must have been especially offensive, because he didn’t wait for an “OK” – he took off. And he’s a husky – so when he takes off – you go right along with him. So off we went – in a full-on sprint after this squirrel. When he finally stopped (probably all of 10 yards later), I wondered if the proper protocol was to call the coroner before or after I rolled my lifeless, sweaty carcass out of the sight of small children. But after I finally caught my breath – I had the a-ha moment. It occurred to me that I have been angry for nearly 20 years about all the things my attacker took from me – and in that one single moment, I realized that I have let him keep them. That was it – the moment I began this whole “journey” – the moment I told myself that although there are many things I will never get back – I would absolutely reclaim my life from the man who tried to kill me.

So I started a couch-to-5K-esque plan the following day. Each day I ran felt like the chance to metaphorically punch my attacker in the gut and that motivated me to get out of bed and go. In March 2012, I ran my first race. I expected that when I crossed the finish line, I would have the overwhelming feeling that I was metaphorically spearing my attacker in the eye with a giant stiletto heel. But that’s not what happened. I crossed the finish line and felt such a sense of personal accomplishment – and it wasn’t until late that night that I realized I hadn’t thought about him at all during the entire experience. That was the moment I realized that I HAD taken back running – it was mine – to keep – and he’s not even part of it anymore. I am running for me and me alone because I want to, and because I like it. Running is the first thing I have "taken back" just because I wanted to-I didn't have to run again to be "normal"-I just want to do it. That has been the single most powerful part of my recovery.

Somewhere along the path, I heard about myfitnesspal and joined up. MFP has given me the tools to understand the consequences of my food & exercise choices. In plain, simple terms, I have been able to learn how to make substitutions and changes to the way I eat and how exercise fits into a healthy lifestyle and how losing weight and being healthy doesn’t mean eating only lettuce and celery for a month. It means finding and making choices that fit with your lifestyle and preferences in a way you can sustain forever. There is no “done” – it just is. I still have a bit more to lose, but I am eating and exercising the way I plan to for as long as I am able. The weight loss will take care of itself (and if it doesn’t, that’s OK too – my happiness is not tied to a number on the scale). My mfp friends are a wonderful bunch. They inspire me with their achievements, they remind me to celebrate my successes (however small), and don’t hesitate to give me a good swift kick in the @ss when I need it. The forums give me a place to realize I’m not alone, and that it’s normal to think and feel a lot of the things I do. They give me a place to ask questions and get input from so many that are in or have moved past the place I’m at. I’ve learned it’s OK to be annoyed at having to replace your wardrobe 50 times, it’s normal-ish to not see a difference (but eventually it will happen). I’ve learned it’s OK to have a bad day or a bad week or a bad month. *kitten* happens and success is defined in how you move forward, not your past. I could not have made it this far without mfp or my wonderful mfp friends.

Although I’m not yet at my “goal” weight, I’m posting now because a work colleague I hadn’t seen in a while told me he was proud of me (for losing weight and being healthy and all). I realized then that I was proud of me too.

STATS:
Height: 5’4”
Starting:
Weight: 233
Clothing size: 22/24 pants, 3X/4X shirt
Measurements: 52” (yes – all 3 the same, cause that’s sexy)

Current:
Weight: 156.6
Clothing size: 6/8 pants, M/L shirt
Measurements: 39.5, 36, 38 (inches lost = 42.5)

I “net” 1200 calories (I follow mfp & eat back my exercise calories). I eat normal, everyday food. I have bad days, I go to parties, I go out to eat, I just live my life. I run 5 days a week, about 25 miles a week.

My best NSV’s to date:
• Fitting in the middle seat on an airplane and having to pull the seatbelt tight (a lot).
• Fitting in restaurant booths.
• Having my “real” health screening numbers (for insurance) be significantly better than the ones I’ve been lying with for years.
• Buying clothes without an X in the size.
• Running a mile.
• Running 5 miles.
• Running 10 miles.
• Running at all.
• Being called tiny & skinny-@ss in the same week.
• Feeling normal.
• Feeling like I am finally living a life for me, and one that doesn’t revolve around a man that tried to kill me.


I don’t have any photos of me at my highest weight, but these are close (probably around 210-215 in these):


These are photos from my first race in March 2012 (left) and the same race this March:


The photo on the left is me deciding whether or not to buy size 6 jeans. The photo on the right is me deciding whether or not to bring the dress on a trip: