Problems with future brother-in-law
Some background:
My sister has been dating this guy for over a year now and lives with him. From Day 1, my husband never really liked him. They are just two TOTALLY different people - which is fine. They don't need to be best friends.
He recently proposed to my sister so now this guy is going to be in our lives forever. The problem is that recently, he's been saying some things that can be taken as insults. I'm not really sure if he is doing it on purpose, or if he doesn't even realize, or what.
My husband is very big into cars and really really likes the car he currently owns. (A Nissan 350z). A few weeks ago, he figured he'd try to make some small talk with future brother in law and thought maybe they'd have this in common a little bit. So he tells him how he is thinking about doing a few things to his car, etc. Future brother in law then says to my husband "my friend was telling me the other day that he wants to get a 350z, and I said to him "why would you want to get that car? Why don't you get a real sports car, like a Camaro or a Mustang?"" My husband was saying back that they are just different, etc, basically defending his car. Future in brother in law kept insisting and saying "well I told my friend he shouldn't get one".
After that, my husband was kind of offended and annoyed with this guy. He had basically just insulted one of his huge passions, right to his face.
Fast forward a week - my family and future bro in law's family went out to dinner to celebrate the engagement. My parents were treating all 10 people, and had picked the restaurant. He says to me, sitting at the table, in front of everybody, "so I was looking online and this restaurant had awful reviews. Have you been here before?" I told him yea we had been there and we thought it was good. We thought it was pretty rude of him to say something like that in front of everyone - especially when my parents were treating him and his family! I found out later, that he had actually already said the same thing to my mom on the phone a few days prior!
Anyway, last night, we had my parents, sister and this guy over to our house for a bbq. During conversation, he brought up how his friend just bought a brand new BMW and then says to my husand "oh, you would really like this car. It makes your car look like a TOY". My husband said absolutely nothing, and then the guy said it again. I knew after that, that my husband was pissed.
So here is the problem - my husband basically wants nothing to do with this guy anymore because he thinks he is rude, obnoxious and is basically insulting him for no reason all the time. I can understand where my husband is coming from, but I told him I think he should either say something to him, or just get over it. He said if he said something last night, he would've flipped the table and told him to get the F out of our house.
Now I feel torn, because this is still my sister and I cannot choose between my husband and my sister. My husband hasn't told me I need to choose, but I know that anytime she wants us to hang out with them, my husband is going to be absolutely miserable. I just don't know how to handle this situation.
I was thinking of talking to my sister about it, but I also don't want to come between her and her fiance - or start any more problems than there needs to be. Advice please!
My sister has been dating this guy for over a year now and lives with him. From Day 1, my husband never really liked him. They are just two TOTALLY different people - which is fine. They don't need to be best friends.
He recently proposed to my sister so now this guy is going to be in our lives forever. The problem is that recently, he's been saying some things that can be taken as insults. I'm not really sure if he is doing it on purpose, or if he doesn't even realize, or what.
My husband is very big into cars and really really likes the car he currently owns. (A Nissan 350z). A few weeks ago, he figured he'd try to make some small talk with future brother in law and thought maybe they'd have this in common a little bit. So he tells him how he is thinking about doing a few things to his car, etc. Future brother in law then says to my husband "my friend was telling me the other day that he wants to get a 350z, and I said to him "why would you want to get that car? Why don't you get a real sports car, like a Camaro or a Mustang?"" My husband was saying back that they are just different, etc, basically defending his car. Future in brother in law kept insisting and saying "well I told my friend he shouldn't get one".
After that, my husband was kind of offended and annoyed with this guy. He had basically just insulted one of his huge passions, right to his face.
Fast forward a week - my family and future bro in law's family went out to dinner to celebrate the engagement. My parents were treating all 10 people, and had picked the restaurant. He says to me, sitting at the table, in front of everybody, "so I was looking online and this restaurant had awful reviews. Have you been here before?" I told him yea we had been there and we thought it was good. We thought it was pretty rude of him to say something like that in front of everyone - especially when my parents were treating him and his family! I found out later, that he had actually already said the same thing to my mom on the phone a few days prior!
Anyway, last night, we had my parents, sister and this guy over to our house for a bbq. During conversation, he brought up how his friend just bought a brand new BMW and then says to my husand "oh, you would really like this car. It makes your car look like a TOY". My husband said absolutely nothing, and then the guy said it again. I knew after that, that my husband was pissed.
So here is the problem - my husband basically wants nothing to do with this guy anymore because he thinks he is rude, obnoxious and is basically insulting him for no reason all the time. I can understand where my husband is coming from, but I told him I think he should either say something to him, or just get over it. He said if he said something last night, he would've flipped the table and told him to get the F out of our house.
Now I feel torn, because this is still my sister and I cannot choose between my husband and my sister. My husband hasn't told me I need to choose, but I know that anytime she wants us to hang out with them, my husband is going to be absolutely miserable. I just don't know how to handle this situation.
I was thinking of talking to my sister about it, but I also don't want to come between her and her fiance - or start any more problems than there needs to be. Advice please!
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Replies
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He sounds like a knob.
But good news! You don't have to hang out with your family.0 -
That's a tough one. There's definitely no way your husband should have to put up with that. You can try a direct route by someone talking to him. It should really be your sister. Otherwise you guys can give him a dose of his own medicine and you or your parents can give him a lighthearted jab or two. He would probably get the message if one of your parents said something indirectly and if he has any respect for them, which he should as they are his elders he will STFU in the future. On the other hand he's already been an *kitten* to them too. Or your husband should talk to him, he's a big boy right. Sorry you're dealing with that. How does your sister react, isn't she embarrassed?? Isn't she pissed at him for disrespecting your parents?0
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that's the weird thing - she doesn't seem to act like he is doing anything wrong. So either she doesn't realize, or she knows him better than we do and maybe she just think "that's how he is", you know?That's a tough one. There's definitely no way your husband should have to put up with that. You can try a direct route by someone talking to him. It should really be your sister. Otherwise you guys can give him a dose of his own medicine and you or your parents can give him a lighthearted jab or two. He would probably get the message if one of your parents said something indirectly and if he has any respect for them, which he should as they are his elders he will STFU in the future. On the other hand he's already been an *kitten* to them too. Or your husband should talk to him, he's a big boy right. Sorry you're dealing with that. How does your sister react, isn't she embarrassed?? Isn't she pissed at him for disrespecting your parents?
She was sitting right there when he said that in the restaurant, and definitely heard him, but didn't act like it was a big deal at all.
He has said other little things about our house, my engagement ring, etc.. but I just don't let them bother me personally. Because I could really care less what he thinks or says. I don't know why my husband cares so much instead of just ignoring whatever he says.
*Edit* actually, the first time he made the comments about the car a few weeks ago, I actually told my sister right after it happened and she blew it off, making it seem like my husband was over reacting and that there was nothing wrong with what he said. I would assume she is going to defend him no matter what. I'm guessing she never said anything to her fiance about it though.0 -
I wouldn't be offended at the car thing. It's something people are passionate about and have opinions about, no amount of talking will change peoples opinions.
The restaurant thing leads me to think he may have a slight case aspergers (along with the car thing). It seems he just says things without filtering them.
Does he treat your sister well? Does she love him? Yes to both? That's all that matters.0 -
Yes he treats her well, etc. But that has nothing to do with our relationship with him. If my husband has to put up with his rude comments, that isn't right either. And then I'm put in the middle of it, because it is my sister.I wouldn't be offended at the car thing. It's something people are passionate about and have opinions about, no amount of talking will change peoples opinions.
The restaurant thing leads me to think he may have a slight case aspergers (along with the car thing). It seems he just says things without filtering them.
Does he treat your sister well? Does she love him? Yes to both? That's all that matters.
Also, it isn't so much that my husband is offended, but the things this guy has said to him have just been flat out rude.0 -
Hmm maybe they'll get the message if you all stop hanging out with him. You can do stuff with your sister just the two of you right?0
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We can, but that is rare.Hmm maybe they'll get the message if you all stop hanging out with him. You can do stuff with your sister just the two of you right?
I think last night at the BBQ my husband should've said to him in front of everyone, in a semi joking way "what do you have against my car". He probably would've said "nothing, why?" then my husband could've said "well I don't know, you keep putting it down". or something like that.. To at least let him know you think he's being rude about it, and hopefully he would get the hint.
But to say nothing, now I'm in the middle of it, and I feel like I have two choices. Either tell my sister that my husband is annoyed and why - which will open a whole can of worms. Or, anytime we're invited to something with them, either not go, or leave my husband at home. I don't want to do any of these!0 -
Sounds like a jerk -- but your sister loves him, and she's the one who has to live with him.
He is "under sensitive" and maybe hubby is "over sensitive" -- tell hubby to just give it back -- everyone has an opinion. Ever read Yelp reviews? Look up the restaurant you went to for dinner on Yelp =-- you'll find five star reviews and one star reviews. Look up hubby's car - same thing.
Don't let idiotic remarks from an idiot ruin your relationship with your sister. Juat treat it like a joke. Sounds like maybe he's insecure He's going to be part of the family. Sometimes little things can be blown up into big problems - don't let that happen. :flowerforyou:0 -
Hubby sounds over sensitive about his car. It's a hunk of metal that gets you from point A to point B. Christ.
There are car brands and models I HATE, I don't care how much some one tells me it's awesome and ZOMG I have to see how great it is. I don't like it. If you ask or talk about it I will tell you I don't like it and xyz why. It's an opinion.0 -
He does sound annoying and obnoxious, but it doesn't sound like he's done anything that would cause serious problems. I would just chalk it up to "this is how he is" and just ignore it. Either that or, like others have said, say stuff right back. Maybe he's just an abrasive person and that's how you'll have to interact with him. If your sister doesn't mind the things he says, she shouldn't mind anyone saying stuff right back to him.
Only you and your husband can control how you react to him...I know it's easier said than done but sometimes you have to just let stuff slide when it comes to family. Maybe even try to approach it with a sense of humor. Laugh about the stupid things he says instead of getting really ticked off about it. He's obviously either immature or insecure (or both).0 -
He sounds like a knob.
But good news! You don't have to hang out with your family.
I agree with the first part, and would just say you don't have to hang out with your family ALL the time. Do girl stuff with your sister then the boys dont have to come along at all!0 -
The guy sounds like an a-hole with no social skills.
I sense serious character flaws.0 -
I think you should start calling him out on his comments, but in a light hearted way. Then you can tell if he is really a jerk or is just clueless. I actually like the "what exactly do you have against my car?" question. For the restaurant situation, I would have said, "well, when you're paying, we'll let you choose" or "I see it hasn't stopped you from enjoying the free food." Otherwise, the situation between him and your husband is just going to get worse. The man needs to know his snarkiness will not be tolerated.
Another approach would be to get very serious and ask him "why would you bring that up when you know my parents are trying to honor you?" And "why do you continue to insult my car when you know it is my pride and joy?"
Either way, he needs to be confronted while you remain cool and calm about it.0 -
''that's really rude. we don't insult your taste so please don't insult ours. now, would you like another beer?''0
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You feel this way because you don't care about cars (and neither do I) but imagine if it was something that you had a real PASSION about, and he was basically putting it down. He is in a band, and I know if we ever said anything negative about his band, he would be hurt.Hubby sounds over sensitive about his car. It's a hunk of metal that gets you from point A to point B. Christ.
There are car brands and models I HATE, I don't care how much some one tells me it's awesome and ZOMG I have to see how great it is. I don't like it. If you ask or talk about it I will tell you I don't like it and xyz why. It's an opinion.0 -
Thanks to everyone for all of the advice!
Usually, my husband and I do laugh off the things that this guy says and does, I guess this just got under his skin. He is going to let it go for now and if it happens again, he will have to say SOMETHING to him, because I refuse to get in the middle of it, or let it become a bigger problem than it should.0 -
So often these people don't realise that what they are saying is hurtful or maybe he just wants the reaction. Either way it makes for awkward conversation. Maybe he's just jelly of ur car lol!
And you can tell your hubby that 350z are one of the nicest looking cars you can buy in my opinion! And tbh I wouldn't even consider a BMW lol.0 -
And I agree with returning cheeky banter. Give as good as he takes without causing major offence!0
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Your husband didn't like him from day 1. Maybe that rubbed off on him? People often have a way of sensing whether they are liked or not. Is it the same with your parents?
I think the above would explain the childish behavior (from both sides) over a mode of transport.0 -
Sounds like he's a ****. I'd be civil to him for your sister's sake, but not go out of my way to be friends.0
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It's very rare for one party to be 100% wrong in situations like this, so I don't know how much credibility to give your story.
If it is how you say, however, I would guess the guy is very insecure. Approach your interactions with him with that in mind.0 -
I'm from Detroit Michigan where people are CRAZY about their cars and this happens a lot. I'd say the best thing your husband can do is GO "Nissan 350z" .
The more crap this guy talk's the more your man should go "Nissan 350z" T shirts, Hats, key chains ect.. In-fact maybe your husband should give him a Nissan 350z mug as a gift. Every gift you ever give him should have the Nissan 350z logo on it. Let it be known that just because he don't like it doesn't mean it's gonna change your mind.0 -
my ways not the right way but if i was hubby i would test his brains because your husband pashion is cars i bet the other guy lives through other peoples exsprence. or he seen fast and the furious one to many times. but yeah i would ask him about his car i bet he doesn't even know where the dip stick is. if this guy come open can i give him my evil sister in law who thinks she better then everyone else and that she g0d gift to man. i tell yeah she rude crude and ugly i would marry my cat first she so bad for my eyes. so i know what your dealing with good luck and your husbands lucky he can kick the guys butt. i don't dare touch her because i was raised not to hit a woman. i want to turn her over my knee so bad i swear0
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Hmmm...i would suggest letting your sister initiate the next gathering, especially if her future hubby is going to be so inulting to his hosts. if you don't want to open that can of worms with her (she may be blind to his faults against others since you said he's good with her) then maybe politely decline a get-together when you know he will be present. or, at the very least, your husband could simply give him the cold shoulder. any time he comes over to talk, all your mister needs to do is get up and walk away. enough of that and either BIL will stop trying to initiate conversation, or he can be confronted (politely) about how his abrasive behavior is not appreciated, and will therefore be avoided.0
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I agree that the part about the restaurant was definitely uncalled for, especially when he was receiving a free meal from your parents; a kind gesture that they did NOT have to do. As far as the car, however, is it possible that he was joking around? Did he say it in a condescending manner? Oftentimes,its not WHAT you say, it's how you say it.0
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Sounds like he is testing your husband, and maybe wants to start a fight.
he brought up how his friend just bought a brand new BMW and then says to my husand "oh, you would really like this car. It makes your car look like a TOY". My husband said absolutely nothing, and then the guy said it again. I knew after that, that my husband was pissed.0 -
Just break up.
No, seriously, just break up. Anytime someone is still a "future" in law, it is your chance to use the emergency exit before it's too late. Get out while you can. Cut your losses, don't even try to take your TV, just get out.0 -
I think you should start calling him out on his comments, but in a light hearted way. Then you can tell if he is really a jerk or is just clueless. I actually like the "what exactly do you have against my car?" question. For the restaurant situation, I would have said, "well, when you're paying, we'll let you choose" or "I see it hasn't stopped you from enjoying the free food." Otherwise, the situation between him and your husband is just going to get worse. The man needs to know his snarkiness will not be tolerated.
Another approach would be to get very serious and ask him "why would you bring that up when you know my parents are trying to honor you?" And "why do you continue to insult my car when you know it is my pride and joy?"
Either way, he needs to be confronted while you remain cool and calm about it.
Not necessarily this, but I feel you must do something. Brushing it under the carpet and laughing it off is just going to let things fester. He may or may not realise the impact of what he is saying - that is irrelevant. What is relevant is that he is causing offence and sooner or later the situation will explode uncontrollably.
Your husband could try talking to him to find a bridge - I guess he may not want to do that.
However, I think you should make it clear to your sister that there is a problem. Make it clear that you feel you are stuck in the middle, and make it clear that you don't want to ever have to choose between her and your husband. Then the pressure is on your sister to keep him in check and you are not stuck in the middle. It should be reasonably easy to get a quiet moment for you to get some time alone with your sister so that you can make your point calmly and politely, avoiding a stand up row.
The reaction that you get should tell you what your sister thinks of his behaviour, and any change in his behaviour will give a good indication of the other guy's intent.
Highlighting when the guy is being rude as suggested above will remind and re-enforce the point. If it doesn't improve you may have to choose between your husband and your sister. I bet I know where that choice will go, and you had warned your sister.
Good luck - it's not an easy situation0 -
I am in the exact same position, but her fiancee doesn't seem to realise he is doing it and my sister will defend him about his behaviour.
It's not fun being stuck in the middle, but I think you should try and talk to your sister about it.
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Just break up.
No, seriously, just break up. Anytime someone is still a "future" in law, it is your chance to use the emergency exit before it's too late. Get out while you can. Cut your losses, don't even try to take your TV, just get out.
Um... how, exactly, is she supposed to "break up" with her sister's fiance?0
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