My heart is broken...

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  • valey1234
    valey1234 Posts: 29
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    You dont say how old you or your boy friend are I really think you both need some time alone to figure out what kind of relationship you have their is more to life than being totaly dependant on someone else for your happiness and self esteem .Take care of yourself first what do you want to do with your life? If he cares for you maybe he just needs some time to figure it all out. this is a weight loss and fitness program so just focus on you for awhile and you have friends here. good luck valey1234:smile:
  • sdfkjsadglkj11
    sdfkjsadglkj11 Posts: 211 Member
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    I feel he is gay. He loves you but he's confused.

    If every girl were to listen to you, there'd be no hope.

    I was considered 'gay' by my girlfriend's friends and ensured that I was gay, well, you couldn't be more wrong.. It'd just be your loss.

    Exactly, he's not gay. At all.
  • sdfkjsadglkj11
    sdfkjsadglkj11 Posts: 211 Member
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    He's too young to be really serious in a relationship, and you're freaking him out! You're obviously very in love with him, and he's not sure he feels so committed. He loves you, but he feels like you love him a lot more than he does you, so he feels bad, cause he ants to be with you, but he's not ready for that kind of commitment.

    Take a break for a month, and don't see him or talk to him (no facebook) until the whole month is up (explain this beforehand so he knows you're not punishing him, just giving him some time to discover what he really wants). He'll know then if he really wants you, or if he wants his freedom to be a 21-year-old.

    I guess I am scaring him. I never thought I was, since he is the one who brought up living together someday. I'm going to do just that. Thank you.
  • glovepuppet
    glovepuppet Posts: 1,713 Member
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    He'd never cheat on me.
    i don't think this is about him cheating.
    BUT...
    you've been with him just a year, you are utterly confused about his thoughts and motivations, yet you think you know for absolute certain that he would never cheat? there are people who have been happily married 20 years who are surprised to find out their partner cheated. you do NOT know he would never cheat.

    you also assume everything he says about how he feels, about sex and about the relationship, is true.

    you seem really sweet but you're a bit naive.
  • Lyby
    Lyby Posts: 42
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    Cynical but realistic head on....

    Been together a year.
    Not had sex.
    Got hotel room.
    Just cuddled.
    Distant in the morning.
    Left on road trip without you.
    Needed to talk on return.
    Cried and said he's stringing you along.

    He's not an emotional cripple, he's just got fed up with waiting and shagged someone else and now has remorse.

    Harsh but he's a man end of.

    Close, He's gay.

    The road trip with the guys without telling you was the dead give away to me ---- he needs to come out of the closet.

    Go watch "Will & Grace" episodes --- they handled the whole "in a relationship, out of the closet, transition to best friends" very well. This is such a common experience that they've based two different sitcoms no the premise.

    Crying over a man (or a woman) has a beginning, a middle, and an end. You are in the middle but don't know how close you are to the end. This Too Shall Pass!

    Be grateful that this came to a head at this point and not 3 years down the line when you are unintentionally pregnant and tethered to an emotionally unavailable man.

    Time to get on Youtube and dance around the house with "I Will Survive" cranked to full volume. I have also relied on Garth Brooke's "She's Gonna Make it, He Never Will". You're too young to know Helen Reddy's "I Am Woman" but it works too!
    I can't quite pull off Beyoncé lol
  • TorrizzleWillSizzle
    TorrizzleWillSizzle Posts: 119 Member
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    he sounds like an emotional cripple.

    my advice? you can't save people and you can't fix them.
    if you decide to walk away then you'll at least keep your self respect.

    after that it hurts, it sucks, then it gets better.

    ^^ this!! "it hurts, it sucks, then it gets better"
  • red8424
    red8424 Posts: 160 Member
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    I know you are hurting but you must live your life- you will never get these days, minutes, years back. You are young and beautiful and there is so much life out there left to see. Waiting for someone to change or feel differently will only lead to disappointment and missed opportunities. Gather up your girlfriends, take a trip, go out, whatever. A relationship is non-existent unless it is mutual and you will NEVER change someone- ever. You must trust the fact that there is someone out there who will not break your heart and who will love you with the selfless attention you deserve. Wipe your tears and count your blessings.
  • kateauch
    kateauch Posts: 195 Member
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    Everyone's two cents is adding up to a couple dollars here so I figured I'd throw my change in the till-

    I went through something similar relationship saga a couple years ago and right after that, my parents ended a 25 year marriage. Not saying that this relationship has that kind of gravity but there were definitely a few things I learned in both of those processes-

    1. If it's not right from day 1, it's not going to happen on day X. I'm not saying that you won't be challenged from time to time in your relationship but a healthy long term relationship doesn't have these kinds of breaks or peaks/valleys.

    2. That guy you think stole your heart? He just borrowed it for a while. Your heart is a big infinite thing. Love is never lost. What you put out in the world comes back to you.

    3. There is someone out there PERFECT for you. You just have to find them. I'm 23 and where I was at when I was 21 is so completely different from where I was at then or even where I THOUGHT I would be. Meet new people, try new things.

    4. On the age note, even the most secure and worldly 21 year old out there doesn't know who they are or what they want from life yet. There's nothing wrong with this. Just find yourself first before you start adding other people to the picture. Or at least find someone you can grow with. Life is a journey. Make sure your travelling buddy wants to wind up at the same destination you do.

    My sincerest condolences to you. It's never fun to be on either end of a break up. I'm sorry you have to go through it. But like everyone is saying, it will get better. Live, love and learn.

    Love and blessings sent your way.
  • winchestervol63
    winchestervol63 Posts: 47 Member
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    Cynical but realistic head on....

    Been together a year.
    Not had sex.
    Got hotel room.
    Just cuddled.
    Distant in the morning.
    Left on road trip without you.
    Needed to talk on return.
    Cried and said he's stringing you along.

    He's not an emotional cripple, he's just got fed up with waiting and shagged someone else and now has remorse.

    Harsh but he's a man end of.

    I have to say as a female, this didn't occur to me at all. Just goes to show how differently men and women think about things doesn't it.

    He just sounds like a guy who wants to either be with someone else or wants to be single. He obviously cares for you but doesn't want to be in a relationship with you anymore for whatever reason. Sucky I know, but you can't fight it. It achieves nothing at all believe me. You are young, you'll move on and he'll just be a memory in time.

    I think the first story is likely correct (don't know about the shagging someone else part, but he definitely wants to shag SOMEONE.) The big clue is the getting the hotel room, only cuddling, and then him being distant in the morning. She may have never imagined any sex, but I'll assure you that a 21 y/o guy who gets a hotel room with his 21 y/o girl has not categorically ruled such a thing out (to say the least).

    He probably feels like he's close to a saint for waiting so long and then was supremely disapointed when it didn't happen. Makes him imagine he just can't wait another year or two or ten. Loves the girl, but just can't face an indefinitely longer wait.

    I'll bet dollars to donuts the problem is their differing views of when is the right time for some sex. Personally, I won't throw rocks at either one of them - may just be that this sticking point is too much for them to overcome.
  • glovepuppet
    glovepuppet Posts: 1,713 Member
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    The big clue is the getting the hotel room, only cuddling, and then him being distant in the morning.
    getting a room is a pretty big clue that he's hoping something will happen.

    i wouldn't suggest she loses her virginity to him though. he's not being straight with her and he can't be relied upon.
  • gonnamakeanewaccount
    gonnamakeanewaccount Posts: 642 Member
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    Cynical but realistic head on....

    Been together a year.
    Not had sex.
    Got hotel room.
    Just cuddled.
    Distant in the morning.
    Left on road trip without you.
    Needed to talk on return.
    Cried and said he's stringing you along.

    He's not an emotional cripple, he's just got fed up with waiting and shagged someone else and now has remorse.

    Harsh but he's a man end of.

    This makes complete sense. Couldn't have said it better myself.
  • Briko3
    Briko3 Posts: 267 Member
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    Don't beg. Have some self respect and no matter what you feel like doing, don't say it to him. Guys say crap like that when they want to guiltlessly look for someone else while still leading you along enough in case they don't find someone new.

    My advice is to make a pact with yourself to not talk to him for a set period of time. If it were me, that would be 1 week minimum, but I would strive for at least 2. Then try to put it out of your mind for that week or two. Tough to do, but believe me, you'll be glad you did.
  • gonnamakeanewaccount
    gonnamakeanewaccount Posts: 642 Member
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    It seems as if you two have different views. I'm sure he expected sex at that hotel room, just like any average twenty-one year old would.
  • Starfish1125
    Starfish1125 Posts: 169 Member
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    He's 21 and a guy. 'nuff said.

    At 21 he wants to party, have fun, play around and well, spread his seed. :tongue:

    Guys at this age do not have the mental maturity to settle down and be with one person. They just aren't wired that way. Ok, SOME are, but the majority aren't. You can't change that in him.

    I am sorry you are hurting so badly. I have been there. Take this time to heal and move on. He's not the one. I can promise you that!
  • Starfish1125
    Starfish1125 Posts: 169 Member
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    You're young and pretty and haven't gotten knocked up by him so there are no ties. Dump his *kitten*, play the field, have fun with your girl friends and by yourself and find someone who'll treat you the way you want to be treated. Life is too short to put up with with some bozo's issues.

    ^^^^^ This x 1,000!!!
  • Jackson4590
    Jackson4590 Posts: 145 Member
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    I'll disagree with some posters on here saying he won't change, or your situation won't change.

    My wife and I broke up twice in college (first time sounded very similar to you) and now we're nearing our 5th wedding anniversary. People change, hearts change, plans change. I'm not saying you'll get back together but don't say "never welcome him back". No one knows what will happen tonight, let alone next month.
  • bergpa
    bergpa Posts: 148 Member
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    While it may have been unintentional, by going to a hotel room together you gave him good reason to hope you would have sex with him. He may have said he was ok with not, but really what else could he say at that point without seeming like a jerk?
  • semarsh12
    semarsh12 Posts: 77 Member
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    I know you love him a lot right now but you two are not in the same place. He probably is a little freaked out and by doing/saying things NOT to hurt he is hurting you more. Girl I have been in the same place you are, BELIEVE ME, and I thought my world was coming to an end. It didn't, and I moved on. I had a guy that sounds a lot like yours, did/said the same stuff. I finally realized that he was a selfish butt head and I didn't need to take his crap anymore. Guess what, he started sniffing around again, acting like he cared and he wanted me, blah, blah. It took a lot of strength not to give in and it was hard but after he finally got it through his thick skull that I'm over him, he left me alone and moved on. To a guy. Yup, he's totally gay. It happens, especially when you're young and confused. I got over it, found a wonderful, amazing man and am very happily married. It will get better. I know you are confused right now and want him more than anything, but it's time to explore your other options.
  • UrbanLotus
    UrbanLotus Posts: 1,163 Member
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    I'm sorry sweetie :(. He sounds really young...listen to what he said - cut him off and move on with your life. I know that will be hard but it will get easier in time.
  • babynun
    babynun Posts: 120 Member
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    There's some great advice here!

    Being a couple is never easy that's why you have to work at it to make the relationship last. I've been with my husband since we were both 17 yo and still going strong 16 years later. There will be plenty of ups and downs. He has to truly want the relationship to work and quit giving you mixed responses and gestures. I think he loves you...but, it may be moving too fast and too serious for him. Some guys or girls just aren't ready for that level of commitment and maybe that's his problem.

    You just have to break it off and see where it goes for the both of you. I know it hurts and here’s the cliché quote:

    “If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were.”

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