My heart is broken...
Options
Replies
-
You're young. If he wants some freedom then let him have his freedom. I'm not saying play hard to get but make your own life and make your own plans. Don't always be available for him. Also don't be one of those women who waits for him by the phone. Maybe he'll see what he's missing if you make new friends and hang out with different people. Who knows, maybe you'll meet the person you were really destined to be with. Keep your options open. No one wants to be used or bought or discarded like yesterday's trash. Use this opportunity to find yourself as an individual. Have fun. You're only going to be 21 once. Good luck with whatever you decide.0
-
To justify his reactions! Walk away if its meant to be it will happen. Don't stop living because of any guy or gal! Trust me life is to short to let your world revolve around 1 person. Live girl! Its your only chance to do it! You don't get any do overs!0
-
Why wait for him to figure out what he wants. What do you want?
if you want a boy who will play mind games, tell you it's over but I love you and want to hug and kiss you, a boy who will break your heart and maybe come running back maybe not ...then hell yeah wait for him
or if you want MAN who will be open and honest and not turn on a dime and do the on again off again, a man who will really be there for you.... then, you need to take care of you, let your broken heart heal. get your health and life where you want it and then you will be ready for love. and if he magically reappears and has grown up then you can reconsider him at that time but remember he has chosen to loose you. you deserve happiness and you deserve some one who will stick it out when things are not perfect.0 -
i wouldn't suggest she loses her virginity to him though. he's not being straight with her and he can't be relied upon.
I understand that point of view entirely, but I wouldn't be so hard on him without knowing a lot more. Especially considering their age, I don't think this is a very uncommon situation.
At the risk of getting figuratively stoned in here, I'll say this - I'm more than twice their age and my wife and I have been married 13 years, together for a lot more - yet we still have little mini-verisons of this situation from time to time. There's just a big difference in sex drives between men and women (Typically, that is. Your results may vary!).
So, if we haven't had any in three weeks, let alone a year, the situation is becomes fraught with danger! In that situation, on any given day I might been imagining er, um, changing our status in this regard all day. Now, there could be a day like that where I've worked hard for a week or two to create the right situation (getting the kids to bed early, washing the dishes maybe, folding the clothes, mowing the grass, telling her she looks nice and meaning it, fixing the washing machine, having long convesations about yoga and kale chips, bringing home dinner, building a temple to her beauty and virtue, buying her a new car, etc.). Now, if on a day like that, she spends an hour before bed on her iPhone, then jumps into bed pulling on socks while saying, 'Wow, I'm really tired today', rolls over and kills the light, I am sometimes guilty of being a little distant in the morning myself. Also might spend some extra time away from the house to avoid more torture, if nothing else. Might spend an extra hour at the gym the next few days and might even wind up on a roadtrip to a ballgame on Saturday or something.
There it is, I said it. LOL.
If he really does love her, but understands she doesn't want to have sex, he's sort of trapped in a tough situation. He doesn't want to twist her arm, but every time he's close to her, he's being tortured. He doesn't think he can talk to her about it because a) he's young, b) he's a guy, and c) in his mind, bringing it up at all sort of smacks of coercion to some extent.
So, the closer he is to her, both emotionally and physically, the more he suffers under this scenario (obviously I don't know that it's right, just a theory based on my perspective and the limited info I've got). In his mind, there are only two ways to eliminate that suffering and neither of them involve the status quo.0 -
I've told him that I do want to have sex, just when I'm ready. I wanted to be able to trust him before I give him my everything. He's a virgin, too. We both wanted to be eachothers' first. He did expect to have sex at the hotel, and I told him I wanted to, as well. But I said I wanted to wait, but that doesn't mean we didn't mess around at all. I'm going to give him some space and time to think. I'm not going to contact him for a while. If he wants to be with me, then he'll really have to earn my trust back.0
-
I've told him that I do want to have sex, just when I'm ready. I wanted to be able to trust him before I give him my everything. He's a virgin, too. We both wanted to be eachothers' first. He did expect to have sex at the hotel, and I told him I wanted to, as well. But I said I wanted to wait, but that doesn't mean we didn't mess around at all. I'm going to give him some space and time to think. I'm not going to contact him for a while. If he wants to be with me, then he'll really have to earn my trust back.
Please know that I only offered my comments in the hope that they might in some way be of a help to you and the situation - hope things work out great for you. Relationships are tough!
Good luck to you -0 -
i wouldn't suggest she loses her virginity to him though. he's not being straight with her and he can't be relied upon.
I understand that point of view entirely, but I wouldn't be so hard on him without knowing a lot more. Especially considering their age, I don't think this is a very uncommon situation.
At the risk of getting figuratively stoned in here, I'll say this - I'm more than twice their age and my wife and I have been married 13 years, together for a lot more - yet we still have little mini-verisons of this situation from time to time. There's just a big difference in sex drives between men and women (Typically, that is. Your results may vary!).
So, if we haven't had any in three weeks, let alone a year, the situation is becomes fraught with danger! In that situation, on any given day I might been imagining er, um, changing our status in this regard all day. Now, there could be a day like that where I've worked hard for a week or two to create the right situation (getting the kids to bed early, washing the dishes maybe, folding the clothes, mowing the grass, telling her she looks nice and meaning it, fixing the washing machine, having long convesations about yoga and kale chips, bringing home dinner, building a temple to her beauty and virtue, buying her a new car, etc.). Now, if on a day like that, she spends an hour before bed on her iPhone, then jumps into bed pulling on socks while saying, 'Wow, I'm really tired today', rolls over and kills the light, I am sometimes guilty of being a little distant in the morning myself. Also might spend some extra time away from the house to avoid more torture, if nothing else. Might spend an extra hour at the gym the next few days and might even wind up on a roadtrip to a ballgame on Saturday or something.
There it is, I said it. LOL.
If he really does love her, but understands she doesn't want to have sex, he's sort of trapped in a tough situation. He doesn't want to twist her arm, but every time he's close to her, he's being tortured. He doesn't think he can talk to her about it because a) he's young, b) he's a guy, and c) in his mind, bringing it up at all sort of smacks of coercion to some extent.
So, the closer he is to her, both emotionally and physically, the more he suffers under this scenario (obviously I don't know that it's right, just a theory based on my perspective and the limited info I've got). In his mind, there are only two ways to eliminate that suffering and neither of them involve the status quo.
I must have the mind of a guy because I understand this. Uneven sex drives in marriages is quite common & I am glad you admit to behaviors that are less than flattering. I think it's a little brave actually. Sex, money, children, in-laws-tough issues for many marriages. That's another topic though.
Thing is, the OP and the boyfriend may or may not be on the same page re: a sexual relationship. That's tough one for sure. But I think if I were a young woman trying to remain a virgin or hold off on sex, the LAST thing I'd do is go to a hotel room with my boyfriend. Why would you torture him like that?
I've read thru the responses & agree that he may not be ready for a commitment, may not be mature, may not be the one. But my first reaction was clearly "Wow, that guy has a lot of willpower!!".0 -
oh man. i do NOT miss the drama of first loves. the going over it and over in your head and trying to understand they whys...not fun! cry and be sad for a few days. wallow and be miserable. and then pick yourself up and live your life again with all the lessons you've learned from your first relationship. apply those to your next relationship. grow. become stronger and wiser. broken hearts are awful but they're part of the human experience and as you've seen in the responses on here, we can all relate to you and feel your pain. it won't hurt forever and you will find love again. appreciate that he was a part of your life and that you got to experience the depths of human emotion - good and bad. that's what gives you character. be kind to yourself as you go through this.0
-
i wouldn't suggest she loses her virginity to him though. he's not being straight with her and he can't be relied upon.
I understand that point of view entirely, but I wouldn't be so hard on him without knowing a lot more. Especially considering their age, I don't think this is a very uncommon situation.
At the risk of getting figuratively stoned in here, I'll say this - I'm more than twice their age and my wife and I have been married 13 years, together for a lot more - yet we still have little mini-verisons of this situation from time to time. There's just a big difference in sex drives between men and women (Typically, that is. Your results may vary!).
So, if we haven't had any in three weeks, let alone a year, the situation is becomes fraught with danger! In that situation, on any given day I might been imagining er, um, changing our status in this regard all day. Now, there could be a day like that where I've worked hard for a week or two to create the right situation (getting the kids to bed early, washing the dishes maybe, folding the clothes, mowing the grass, telling her she looks nice and meaning it, fixing the washing machine, having long convesations about yoga and kale chips, bringing home dinner, building a temple to her beauty and virtue, buying her a new car, etc.). Now, if on a day like that, she spends an hour before bed on her iPhone, then jumps into bed pulling on socks while saying, 'Wow, I'm really tired today', rolls over and kills the light, I am sometimes guilty of being a little distant in the morning myself. Also might spend some extra time away from the house to avoid more torture, if nothing else. Might spend an extra hour at the gym the next few days and might even wind up on a roadtrip to a ballgame on Saturday or something.
There it is, I said it. LOL.
If he really does love her, but understands she doesn't want to have sex, he's sort of trapped in a tough situation. He doesn't want to twist her arm, but every time he's close to her, he's being tortured. He doesn't think he can talk to her about it because a) he's young, b) he's a guy, and c) in his mind, bringing it up at all sort of smacks of coercion to some extent.
So, the closer he is to her, both emotionally and physically, the more he suffers under this scenario (obviously I don't know that it's right, just a theory based on my perspective and the limited info I've got). In his mind, there are only two ways to eliminate that suffering and neither of them involve the status quo.
I must have the mind of a guy because I understand this. Uneven sex drives in marriages is quite common & I am glad you admit to behaviors that are less than flattering. I think it's a little brave actually. Sex, money, children, in-laws-tough issues for many marriages. That's another topic though.
Thing is, the OP and the boyfriend may or may not be on the same page re: a sexual relationship. That's tough one for sure. But I think if I were a young woman trying to remain a virgin or hold off on sex, the LAST thing I'd do is go to a hotel room with my boyfriend. Why would you torture him like that?
I've read thru the responses & agree that he may not be ready for a commitment, may not be mature, may not be the one. But my first reaction was clearly "Wow, that guy has a lot of willpower!!".
I was torturing myself. I wanted to have sex with him too, something just stopped me. He never pressured me, and yes, he always wanted to go further, but he stopped whenever I said to. That being said, we've done everything BUT the actual act, so it's not like it was completely innocent. Gah, I love him so much.0 -
THIS, a thousand times. And it will take time for you to understand this, but one day you will. I promise! I've been in your shoes. This is the nature of getting your heart broken...it SUCKS, but it makes you stronger in the end. You'll see. Walk away from this guy and when you are tempted to check in with him, DON'T. You need distance to get stronger, so give yourself that GIFT.I know you love him dearly and can't imagine life without him, but one day you'll realize that you deserve someone who knows they want you - without a doubt, wants to spend their life with you, wants you. Anything less than that's a waste of time!0 -
Now, there could be a day like that where I've worked hard for a week or two to create the right situation (getting the kids to bed early, washing the dishes maybe, folding the clothes, mowing the grass, telling her she looks nice and meaning it, fixing the washing machine, having long convesations about yoga and kale chips, bringing home dinner, building a temple to her beauty and virtue, buying her a new car, etc.).
hahaha! i always know when my husband is asking me questions about my yoga practice or if i want him to make me a green drink or add chia seeds to my salad that he's looking to get some!0 -
I was torturing myself. I wanted to have sex with him too, something just stopped me. He never pressured me, and yes, he always wanted to go further, but he stopped whenever I said to. That being said, we've done everything BUT the actual act, so it's not like it was completely innocent. Gah, I love him so much.
Always..and I mean ALWAYS...listen to your gut. Most of the time, it's right on. It sounds like you trusted your instincts and now you don't have to regret losing your virginity to someone who doesn't deserve it. That's awesome.
Breakups are the worst, especially when you are blindsided. It's hard to rationalize how someone can love you one day and leave you the next. It's not logical, its hurts immensely and it makes it harder to trust people. Sadly, it happens all the time.
If your internal warnings were going off with this guy, it's better this way in the end. It hurts now, but you'll bounce back and find someone better. You're young, pretty and you have a good head on your shoulders. His loss, your gain. :flowerforyou:0 -
Whatever you do though, don't let him string you along, it's not fair to you. If he decides he doesn't think you guys should be together right now, don't let him call you up next week and say he's so sorry, he changed his mind etc, only to break up with you again and start the process all over... you deserve better than that. You have a say in this relationship just as much as he does. If he isn't solid on it, it might be best for you guys to spend some time apart.
Exactly what she said above. Don't let him think he can come back whenever he wants and all is ok, because he might keep doing it. Emotional roller coasters are NO fun. He needs to figure out what he wants and then act on it. Otherwise, he will only end up hurting you further. It is hard, but you will get through it. In time you may realize that the qualities he did have aren't even what you really want.0 -
First, I'm so very sorry, someone you love leaving you is just a horrible horrible soul crushing thing. I want to point out some things in your posts...Cynical but realistic head on....
Been together a year.
Not had sex.
Got hotel room.
Just cuddled.
Distant in the morning.
Left on road trip without you.
Needed to talk on return.
Cried and said he's stringing you along.
He's not an emotional cripple, he's just got fed up with waiting and shagged someone else and now has remorse.
Harsh but he's a man end of.
But also, note all the things he ACTUALLY said to you:he says that he feels like he's stringing me along
He even mentioned that it's not fair to me, and that he thinks he wants to have his cake and eat it too.
he had sent me a message saying that I'm beautiful, always smile, that he loves me and cares for me so much as a friend, he's so hurt seeing me so hurt, that he should have told me sooner
Guys are pretty straightforward. He is telling you WHY. When he is with you, he likes how he feels, and he does care for you. These are his emotions and frankly a lot of hormones driving his actions. When he is away from you, i.e. the road trip he thinks more with his head and realizes that although he cares for you, he really wants something/someone else. There may not be a specific other person, but he knows he doesn't see a long term future with you. But when he is around you he falls into the trap of showing affection, and living the fantasy with you. He didn't want to hurt you, and probably tried to convince himself how perfect you were for him. But it's just not there. I'm so sorry. Given the circumstance he would have sex with you, he will tell you he loves you, and then he will feel guilty after for having misled you. He doesn't intend it, but it's the part of him that wants you and fools him into the fantasy that it will be ok to go ahead and do it. If you don't control how this plays out, you will be hurt worse than you are now.
Sorry. this is how I see it.0 -
He's 21 and a guy. 'nuff said.
At 21 he wants to party, have fun, play around and well, spread his seed.
Guys at this age do not have the mental maturity to settle down and be with one person. They just aren't wired that way. Ok, SOME are, but the majority aren't. You can't change that in him.
I am sorry you are hurting so badly. I have been there. Take this time to heal and move on. He's not the one. I can promise you that!
LISTEN TO THIS! Madam, is correct. Men under a certain age are not emotionally stable enough to have a serious relationship. I know, I was one of them. I think that men are not ready to settle down before their 30's. Especially these days... It sucks but it the truth. Very few exceptions. Its not that they are bad guys but most are just not 'ready'. More and more, same can be said for women.
And on another note, virgins at 21?!?!??!? Good for you but I didnt know that such a thing existed in this day and age.
Geesh, I write this and god did my GF saved my life...0 -
ok I am a bit older than 21. I have a daughter your age and I will tell you what I have told her
1) taking a break and breaking up are basically the same thing
2) on and off again relations don't typically work long term,
maybe he is gay and trying to convince himself otherwise, Maybe he is emotionally immature. The list could go on and on. I know it hurts. Nothing but time will make this easier. do both o you a favor stay broken up. Move past this.
Hugs from a mom0 -
And always remember that no mater what, you'll be fine.0
-
dump the idiot and go on a patron binge, works for me every time...0
-
hahaha! i always know when my husband is asking me questions about my yoga practice or if i want him to make me a green drink or add chia seeds to my salad that he's looking to get some!
Man, if I had known this wasn't common knowledge to you ladies, I would've written this weeks ago. <sigh> If I've helped just one of my brothers out there, it was all worth it!
Wait a minute, I misread your post...you were well aware all along. Yeah, I thought it was pretty obvious when we bring up yoga, where we're trying to steer the conversation.
In a related note, I have somehow agreed to go to one (ONE) yoga class when I hit my goal weight of 220. I might be at 221 for a while...0 -
I am also 21 years old. So I feel like I can relate with you a lot on this issue, based on our ages alone. My boyfriend is also 21 years old. And we've almost been together for a year. A few months back, we broke up for a months time. This was because he felt he was missing out on things by being in a committed and long term relationship. He's young. He wasn't at the level I was at in terms of what I wanted. And so I left. And in time, he came crawling back. And now we are stronger than ever. He needed that month to figure out what he really wanted. Get a bit of stuff out of his system and truly buckle down and think what is most important to him. And in the end, it was me. It always was me. He just needed his last "hoo-rah" as a 21 year old guy with freedom.
Give him time and give him his space. You are very young and have a lot of time to figure things out. I have been in two other serious relationships so I don't necessarily need to see what else or who else is out there. But maybe you two do. What I can say is don't settle for less than what you know you're worth. At the end of the day, your happiness should absolutely be the most important thing to you. And I feel like you either need to give him time to figure things out or just move on and do your own thing and do things that make you happy. Be young while you can, because we won't be forever.0
Categories
- All Categories
- 1.4M Health, Wellness and Goals
- 391.6K Introduce Yourself
- 43.5K Getting Started
- 259.7K Health and Weight Loss
- 175.6K Food and Nutrition
- 47.3K Recipes
- 232.3K Fitness and Exercise
- 394 Sleep, Mindfulness and Overall Wellness
- 6.4K Goal: Maintaining Weight
- 8.5K Goal: Gaining Weight and Body Building
- 152.7K Motivation and Support
- 7.8K Challenges
- 1.3K Debate Club
- 96.3K Chit-Chat
- 2.5K Fun and Games
- 3.3K MyFitnessPal Information
- 23 News and Announcements
- 941 Feature Suggestions and Ideas
- 2.3K MyFitnessPal Tech Support Questions