Can letting yourself go ruin a relationship?

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  • jend114
    jend114 Posts: 1,058 Member
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    I think it can
  • TeachTheGirl
    TeachTheGirl Posts: 2,091 Member
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    You should be someone expecting they WILL change over the years, not hoping that they won't.
  • MaraDiaz
    MaraDiaz Posts: 4,604 Member
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    Sure, it's nice if someone does love you no matter what, but why would you want to force the 'no matter what'?

    I just like this so I figured I'd quote it.

    However, I can tell you I've gained weight and laughed at a partner over it because he was stupid enough to tell me if I ever gained weight he'd break up with me. Eventually he did, but only after I made it very clear that I no longer loved him nor trusted him and didn't care anymore if he came around or not. And even then he tried calling me up almost a year later wanting to get back together. (I weighed well over 200 pounds by then.)

    Our relationship of course had other issues. It died through my deliberate neglect because what use is any relationship without trust?

    If I ever marry I expect the line about in sickness and health to mean just that. If I let myself go that's a mean trick to play on a man and he shouldn't get all gallon tub of ice cream sloppy on me either, but what if one of us were to get sick? Not be able to exercise? Suffer an injury and the pain and recovery and all the frustration and disfigurement of that? What if one of us ended up disabled in a wheelchair (horrible possibility but it happens). I definitely don't want to think that someone I might actually marry would be so shallow as to not mean those vows. So yeah, if a man categorically states, "If you ever get fat I'll leave you" then I know he isn't the marrying kind. Might be worth keeping around for a good lay.
  • twelfty
    twelfty Posts: 576 Member
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    changing naturally and aging is different to stuffing your face to the point you change. plain and simple, the easiest way to lose someone is to stop doing what you did to get them. love isn't all about looks but it doesn't make unimportant, and you're relying on that person to carry on loving you rather than relying on yourself to look good and be healthy
  • ekalexm
    ekalexm Posts: 73
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    In short, yes. Agree also that it's a sensitive topic.

    I was engaged for 3 years and left the relationship for that very reason. I was 22, young and immature but, if I'm being honest the change in my partner's appearance was the catalyst and to this day I feel vindicated. She hadn't gained a stone or even two, it was several more. Significantly she made no effort to change and whenever I tried to sensitively broach the subject I was told in no uncertain terms how selfish I was being.

    I took some criticism at the time from certain people but I guess my point is that she was not the person I was attracted to in the first instance. Of course the irony is that now I'm older, I find bigger women attractive too.
  • ekalexm
    ekalexm Posts: 73
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    changing naturally and aging is different to stuffing your face to the point you change. plain and simple, the easiest way to lose someone is to stop doing what you did to get them. love isn't all about looks but it doesn't make unimportant, and you're relying on that person to carry on loving you rather than relying on yourself to look good and be healthy


    This is an excellent point well made.
  • Seaglass1123
    Seaglass1123 Posts: 500 Member
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    I can but it didn't happen to me. My husband loves me for who I am but he certainly loved my new body more :)
  • scaredofcoasters
    scaredofcoasters Posts: 90 Member
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    Been with my partner almost 5 years now. Though I definitely find her attractive, being solely attracted to someone physically is just not sustainable. For years, we have been, as my Japanese professor referred to us, "close friends." My partner isn't just someone whose company I enjoy, or who I am attracted to, but also someone I have a deep appreciation and respect for. Now, if either of us let ourselves go, physically or mentally, we are the first ones to point it out to each other, but that comes with that partnership and respect for the other, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

    Besides, how could I not be with a girl who puts up with my weird hobbies, collections, emotional instability, and also can keep up with my thirst for knowledge? There's a lot more to a person than that which is visible.
  • hbrittingham
    hbrittingham Posts: 2,518 Member
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    I've been with my husband for 23 years. The only time I wasn't attracted to him had nothing to do with the fact he was obese at the time, it was because we had lost our "connection" with each other.

    He has never said a word about my weight. He's even gone so far as to tell me that I was never fat (even though I know I was). He will tell me when he thinks other people are fat, so it's not that he doesn't notice overweight people, he just has never seen me as being overweight. Must be the love clouding his judgement. LOL
  • jcmartin0313
    jcmartin0313 Posts: 574 Member
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    If a change, no matter how radical, ruins a marriage, you should have never married in the first place. We are far too quick to throw a marriage away these days. A marriage is a covenant bond that should only be broken under the strictest circumstances and weight gain is not one of them. When you marry, you do so for like and if you have any thought otherwise, you should not be marrying. If you end a marriage because your spouse gained alot of weight, then you are being selfish, but in our "me" society that is accepted. A marriage should be a fully selfless partnership from both sides and unless the both of you are commited to that selflessness than you should not wed.
  • LookMaNoHands
    LookMaNoHands Posts: 174 Member
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    Of course gaining weight CAN ruin a relationship, that is not in doubt. The question is, SHOULD it? The answer depends on the nature of the relationship. If the relationship is a marriage, then the answer is emphatically NO. Absolutely not. If, on the other hand, you are just "dating" or "shacking up" or "having fun" or whatever, then sure, end the relationship for whatever selfish reasons you may have. But once you enter matrimony you are no longer entitled to such selfishness.
  • Colombianchick29
    Colombianchick29 Posts: 298 Member
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    i think so. its letting yourself go and all the other things that come along with it , that can ruin a relationship. I think when you let yourself go, you stop caring in general. Stop caring about, how you look, the weight you gained, how you walk out of the house, how you carry yourself, and even how you interact with people in general. I can tell you that I have been there. I want to say it was some sort of depression. Not depressed to the point og wanting to die, or hurt myself or even not being able to function. I was functioning and going to work and all the normal things...but i stopped caring about myself. ( this was right after I had my second child and lasted for about 4 1/2 years till recently). My hubby very supportive, but also frustrated in how I became ...sloppy, lazy...my whole personality changed. He stuck it out, stood by me...and I finally got the big picture. It was ME that was ruining my relationship with HIM, and even my kids...and anyone else that tried to get close to me... I just wanted to stay in my bed under the blankets for no one to see me if I could. I would avoid social events just becuase I was embarrased for myself. I started this fitness jouney just a few months ago. But I can tell you this journey has led me to GOD, to finding myself, to dropping some pounds and to improving my relationships. Now that I am taking this journey I also want my hubby and my children to get healthy with me.

    So with all that said ( im sorry I know it was alot) try to find out what the big picture is. What is going on with your partner to have become this way. Help your partner see what she is doing to herself & to you.
  • skinnybunny_x
    skinnybunny_x Posts: 449
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    I think it really depends on the situation.

    If you're married, your vows state for better OR worse ... and yes, that encompasses looks!

    If you're not married, then you have no commitment to that person, however I think it would be pretty shallow to dump someone, male or female, because they gained a few pounds. IF you really love them for their personality & spirit, I don't see it happening.

    There are so many contributing factors to your weight ... If a woman has just had a child, of course her number one priority is not going to be fitness. And it shouldn't be. The farthest thing from my mind after having both my daughters was "can I fit into my skinny jeans?". For men, often the loss of a job or financial trouble can be the precursor for depression and weight gain. None of us can be perfect all of the time - the bottom line is if you're trying your best to be a good person and make a positive change, does it really matter if you gained an inch on your waistline?

    My husband could gain fifty pounds, and I'd still love him just as much. I can understand if you're truly concerned for your partners health, but that's where it ends for me. If a man wants his wife to be a trophy wife, he needs to treat her like she's one. We don't just roll out of bed looking hot. Treat her to a shopping trip, let her get her hair and nails done ... these things make us feel attractive, and therefor more motivated to spend time on ourselves by working out, eating right, etc. This is especially true for us moms out there!
  • diodelcibo
    diodelcibo Posts: 2,564 Member
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    Yes.
  • skinnybunny_x
    skinnybunny_x Posts: 449
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    Who is the "Yes" for? lol
  • anneerick
    anneerick Posts: 147 Member
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    I think it can take a toll, but completely ruin a marriage.... no. I personally expect my husband to stick by me if I "let myself go" until I can "pick myself back up" and I would absolutely do the same. There is no way I would leave my best friend and husband because he's put on some pounds.
  • scaredofcoasters
    scaredofcoasters Posts: 90 Member
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    I think it really depends on the situation.

    If you're married, your vows state for better OR worse ... and yes, that encompasses looks!

    If you're not married, then you have no commitment to that person, however I think it would be pretty shallow to dump someone, male or female, because they gained a few pounds. IF you really love them for their personality & spirit, I don't see it happening.

    I must ask, though it's nothing on you, what is so brilliant about a piece of paper and an expensive ceremony that shows commitment? Sure, it's a legal agreement for the protection of one or both parties, but honestly that makes it seem colder. Maybe I'm weird, but I always thought commitment started the day you decided to start dating. Even a friendship is a commitment to another person, and I don't need a document to know that I care about my friends or my partner.

    More concerning to me is that if I did get married, most people would change their view of the relationship I'm in based solely on a word, almost like the word "married" makes a relationship magically exist, or somehow makes it "real." It's always a question: "When will you get married? Are you planning a wedding? Did you propose yet?" Sure, they are asking because they feel we've had a long relationship and it's the "next step" in their minds, but what does that say about their view of my current relationship with my partner? The emphasis on marriage really doesn't make sense, because it invalidates the importance of building a serious relationship with someone and being a couple.

    That's just my opinion :-P
  • DebbieLyn63
    DebbieLyn63 Posts: 2,650 Member
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    If I ever marry I expect the line about in sickness and health to mean just that. If I let myself go that's a mean trick to play on a man and he shouldn't get all gallon tub of ice cream sloppy on me either, but what if one of us were to get sick? Not be able to exercise? Suffer an injury and the pain and recovery and all the frustration and disfigurement of that? What if one of us ended up disabled in a wheelchair (horrible possibility but it happens). I definitely don't want to think that someone I might actually marry would be so shallow as to not mean those vows. So yeah, if a man categorically states, "If you ever get fat I'll leave you" then I know he isn't the marrying kind. Might be worth keeping around for a good lay.

    ^^This happened to me. Two years after we married, I ended up in a wheelchair, permanently disabled by a work injury. Lost my job/income, and ended up gaining about 60 pounds over the next 5 yrs due to the immobility and constant pain. Did my husband leave me? Nope. He told me I was beautiful and he loved me, every day. He pushed me around in my wheelchair and took care of me. He reassured me that I was NOT a failure as a mother and wife, and if I never made it out of that chair or lost the weight, it didn't matter to him, because he loved me no matter what. In sickness and in health. For better for worse. We made those vows to each other and we meant them. But he put action to his words, and proved how much he meant them.
    I am now out of the wheelchair and am getting stronger over time. I am also losing the extra weight, and getting back to the women he married. Altho he never saw me as anything else. He is still my biggest cheerleader and support. And now he is reaping the rewards!
    Married 14 years last week and our marriage is stronger than ever. Just the way it is supposed to be.

    And BTW, he gained a few pounds over the years himself, and I never would have even considered ending the marriage because of it. He has since lost his weight and is back to wedding weight himself, and I plan to be back there myself in a few months. It just keeps getting better! :flowerforyou: :blushing:
  • bbl2013t
    bbl2013t Posts: 49 Member
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    no way! if it does it just mean your partner is so shallow, they should love you for you not your body.I let myself go when i met my 18 and i met one of my boyfriends, i got huge and didn't care how i looked and he wanted me to lose weight. sex went from daily to 2-3 times a week. being healthy lasted for about a month, then he stopped exercising and started going to the buffet regularly, i would pig out and he ate normally,he cheated on me so i dumped him, why are people so shallow?
  • MrsR0SE
    MrsR0SE Posts: 341 Member
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    Two years after we married, I ended up in a wheelchair, permanently disabled by a work injury. Lost my job/income, and ended up gaining about 60 pounds over the next 5 yrs due to the immobility and constant pain. Did my husband leave me? Nope. He told me I was beautiful and he loved me, every day. He pushed me around in my wheelchair and took care of me. He reassured me that I was NOT a failure as a mother and wife, and if I never made it out of that chair or lost the weight, it didn't matter to him, because he loved me no matter what. In sickness and in health. For better for worse. We made those vows to each other and we meant them. But he put action to his words, and proved how much he meant them.
    I am now out of the wheelchair and am getting stronger over time. I am also losing the extra weight, and getting back to the women he married. Altho he never saw me as anything else. He is still my biggest cheerleader and support. And now he is reaping the rewards!
    Married 14 years last week and our marriage is stronger than ever. Just the way it is supposed to be.

    And BTW, he gained a few pounds over the years himself, and I never would have even considered ending the marriage because of it. He has since lost his weight and is back to wedding weight himself, and I plan to be back there myself in a few months. It just keeps getting better! :flowerforyou: :blushing:

    This is how it should be - and so inspiring to the rest of us :smile:

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