Baby to Bikini... Tears and All

Today was a major milestone for me.

I haven't been to a pool (or beach/etc) in a few years. I have NEVER been comfortable in a bikini- regardless of how I looked. I have always had the feeling that I must sit this way or sit that way, stand that way or face that direction because there was something to hide.

And then I got pregnant. And then I got FAT. I ate indiscriminately, I did not exercise.. and by the time I gave birth I had gained something like 80 lbs and delivered at 238 lbs. The baby was 7 of those pounds. I knew I had screwed up. That was the end of May 2012.

I split with my fiancé (my child's father) and life was... well.. bad. I was a single mom, with little support and no family nearby. I had been in a bad relationship for the last 4 years, was fat, and had zero confidence. I was lonely, scared, insecure, and I ate my feelings. In September of 2012, I was still 212 lbs. Breastfeeding hadn't exactly "melted off all the weight" like I expected. I began watching my intake and dropped a few lbs. I started logging on September 15th and I started lifting weights on September 30th, 2012. That was when it started.

I felt powerful. I felt good in my skin, even if my skin didn't look so good. And my body changed. I wanted it to continue- so I made myself a deal: I would go from baby to bikini in a year.

Since then, my body has done things that I never knew was possible. Sometimes I ate really well, sometimes I didn't. For the most part I ate at a deficit, but I took several month long breaks and a few weeks here and there.

Today, I am 11 1/2 months post-baby. Today, I put on a bikini... I walked across my apartment complex, and I went to the pool. I had tears welling up in my eyes on that long walk- from nerves and fear. But I walked in and for the first time in my life, I felt good in that bikini. With my stretch marks, with my bits of flub and extra skin- I was confident and proud of my marred body. That's what this has done for me- it's not the weight, or the fat, or even the bikini.... it's the FEELING.

Now for all the pictures....

Where I was when I started lifting weights:

[/URL]

[/URL]

And today, in a bikini. :-)

[/URL]

[/URL]